In transit blog

I'm on my way to deraware to see my friends from college and I still have a few hours left in transit and I already read a book so I figured I would write a blog for all of my loyal readers. I aporogize for not blogging much over break so far but I've been doing stuff. You understand. As a grad student my busiest time is naturally between semesters. Here's your blog stop whining.

I love Christmas cookies. The sugar cookies cut into evergreen tree shapes with frosting and stuff of top. They're the bees knees and I love them so very much. Yesterday I ate about 12 cookies. Half of them were washed down with beer. I do have to comment, however, that beer and cookies do not go well together. It's one of those ideas that has potential when you don't really think about it. Kinda like when I decided to eat frosted flakes with chocolate milk. one of those "hey maybe this is a good aw aw awwwww. Aw." moments.

I haven't seen my college friends since may. Clearly this is way too long. I would say that I want you to come visit me in missouri but that would be a terrible choice I think. For one, it would be super expensive for you all to get to the gateway to the west unless you drive the 16 hours. Secondly I refuse to be in missouri when I have no responsibility there so I woul be busy all the time. Thirdly I just don't like any of you enough to spend that much time with you individually. Stay where you are and leave me alone. I hate you all and I don't know why I'm coming to see you all.

Also I went to new Hampshire for the last three days or so and did some pretty fun stuff. I hiked like half way up mount Washington, that was pretty cool. Did you know that hiking is just walking for a long period of time? It's like that yogging fad but on a mountain and you don't run. Hiking reminded me of tough mudder and I want to do another one. Hey college friends--when we graduate this silly grad school thing we should do a tough mudder every spring so I don't get too fat. And then when they stop having tough mudders we can just all drive to Pennsylvania is the woods somewhere and get drunk and roll around in the mud for like 2 hours. Sound good? Ok good because I'm gonna make you all come. Ya dig.

Last night my mom said "you'd be surprised how much I can squeeze out of those things." It made me giggle and I thought I should mention it. Here is a new game we are going to play for just this post. It's called "was my mom talking bout nearly empty toothpaste tubes or penises?". I think that's a pretty good game.

I decided that next semester in gonna start reading books. There's too much stuff I don't know and it's starting to get on my nerves. Ive been trying to read stuff on like economics and that kind of thing so I can have some sort of idea what's going on in the world and so I can be a responsible adult and this is what I look like the whole time.
http://chzscience.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/funny-science-news-experiments-memes-dog-science-fuzzy-logic.jpg
Phone blogging gimme a break here with the links.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EL8e2ujXe8g&feature=youtube_gdata_player
So basically here is my request to any and all of you--when you read this blog and it's about how I watched like a million hours of tv or something like that, personally reprimand me in an incredibly hurtful way. Do your best to make me cry, preferably with personal attacks. Try to keep my family out of it, but everything else is fair game. Keep in mind that this starts after my pretty ok feeling reunion so I'm not being beat down for the next five or so days.

Now if you will excuse me I will go either start my second book of this trip or browse reddit for the next couple hours. Here's or haiku. I can't believe I'm still writing haikus

Zisk texts other day
Recipient yours truly.
"I sharted today"

merry christmas everyone.

So I am writing this blog starting at 1:30am or so on christmas day because I feel that I owe you all a Christmas blog.  So welcome, one and all to my first annual christmas day blog.  It's like the NBA christmas day games but more blogging and less basketball.

So I don't know about you all but I have had a wonderful break so far.  Done so work son, got some relaxing in, got some skateboarding in, and I even got to hang out with my boy Tai today and watch the patriots.  So far so good.  I got to skate my new deck this week, which is HUGE.  I had my last one since august break, which was 4 months ago.  For all of you who can't really appreciate how long that is, imagine wearing the same underwear for like 15 days and then finally getting to put a new pair on.  It just makes me so happy.  When I'm rich I'm buying new boards like every 3 weeks because it feels so right.

Also can I mention something about it being ridiculously warm out this winter?  Are you kidding me with it being 60+ on december 22nd?  I would say I'm not mad about it but I kinda feel like I should be mad about it.  Guys, clearly we're doing something wrong, and it's kind of making me worried that the world is going to end in 362 or so days.  I do have a question about that though.  What does everyone mean when they say "the world is going to end"?  Is it like a rapture thing, or does everybody die, or does the Earth cease to exist completely?  Because to me even if all life ends on Earth but the actual planet is still here that's not the end of the world.  Specificity is important people.  Think about that one and get back to me.  What do you think the most likely scenario is for the end of the world) meaning the end of people)?  Giant asteroid?  Aliens?  Series of natural disasters?  Nuclear Holocaust?  Robots?  Well whatever it is, clearly this is the only solution.

So I went to church tonight with my dad, and I gotta tell you a lot of it made me laugh.  Here are my two favorite things about church: preacher voice and little kids eating way too much communion.  I know catholics do the thing where you all line up and the priest gives you a cracker, but at my church they pass around these plates with communion bread on it, which honestly looks pretty tasty.  like a dehydrated biscuit or something.  But I always watch it for as long as I can, and I try to keep an eye out for kids under like 12, especially when they're new to my parent's church because they don't know the protocol.  Everybody takes like a little piece of the cracker and then the kid gets the plate and they're not really paying attention so they take like 2 whole crackers and mash those things down like a boss.  And then they take like 4 shots of grape juice.  Gotta love em.  It just makes the awkward seriousness of communion and turns it into an awesome suspense comedy.

But preacher voice is SO funny.  There is no other scenario where someone could talk like that and be taken seriously.  And this isn't about what they're saying at all.  It's all about delivery.  Let me try to find a clip for you all so you have an idea of what I'm talking about.  Nope can't find one.  All youtube has to offer is white people doing bad impressions of stereotypical black preachers.  I expected more from you youtube.  Well preachers at my church always do this thing where they're like kind of whispering and somehow they always manage to end sentences with a really long S sound (usually JEsusssssss).  I realize I've done a really bad job explaining this but it's really funny you'll just have to TRUhssssssssssssst. (see what I did there)

BONUS thing that I really like at church is people just yelling stuff at the preacher.  There's typically like 3 things that people say, like "YUP" or "AMEN" or something like that, but occasionally you get the person who doesn't get church yelling protocol and then it's just pure gold.  Anything longer than 3 words makes me laugh every time.  "PREACH THE WORD OF GOD TO US MIKE" or something along those lines is typical and borderline acceptable church heckling if you wanna call it that.  But if you get the combination of the right holiday and a weird enough dude out in the crowd you can get some beautiful stuff.  "Thank you Jesus!  Praise him!  We need you Jesus! Teach us!"  and just this long onslaught of yelling that clearly takes too long and doesnt fit into the preacher pause.  It makes the rest of the time there completely worth it.  And when people yell at inappropriate times is nice too.  Yelling during scripture reading is excellent, especially when you happen to get accidental overlap between the scripture and the heckle.
"and jesus gave all those people fish, and everybody was psyched and they said to Jesus..."
"PREACH"
"yup, that is what they said thanks. maybe you just wanna yell out the rest of the verse huh?  No?  well then SHUT IT and let jesus talk"

OH last thing.  Today the preacher was praying and all of a sudden in the middle of the prayer whoever was doing the lights turned off all the lights and spotlighted the guy super hard.  He literally stopped in the middle of the prayer, opened his eyes and looked up at the balcony like this.  I thanked Jesus for that one.  What a nice guy he is, giving me a present for his birthday.  Stand up guy, that jesus.

Welp my computer is about to die so I would like to wish you all a merry christmas.  Especially Zisk.

Still waiting to hear back from King John Un.  Maybe this site is blocked in North Korea and Un hasn't got the password for parental controls yet.  Boom roasted.

killer one liner at end this one. I think you'll be impressed. I feel pretty good about it. I don't wanna toot my own horn, but I bought this tuba for a reason

So as you all know, I challenged Kim Jong Un to a duel in my last blog.  He has yet to respond, but there is news that  there is some unrest in North Korea and people aren't really sold on his reign.  Clearly, the people have spoken.  New blood in the Il House.  They want change.  Something completely out of the norm.  The people want a white male to lead their country.  What's that?  You're telling me that I am a white male?  OH what a coincidence.  Just say the word oppressed people of North Korea.  Get the word out to me via carrier pigeon or rock thrown over the border to South Korea or fish with my name branded on it or something.  I'm your man and we all know it.  I'll build those political connections in like 10 minutes.  Get ready for a revolution, because I'm gonna turn your country around so hard that you wont know this guy from this guy.  It's funny because they look the same.

Also I have something to ask.  I was doing work at my dad's office today inputting some stuff for electronic records change, and basically I was inputting people's allergies and meds into the system so obama can kill them all easier.  Most people had no allergies, some people were like "omg i cant even think of a dog lol" but then one guy put down that he was allergic to trees.  So I laugh and write it in because it's funny that this guy is trollololing  the healthcare overhaul and I move on.  And then I see that  like 4 other people are apparently allergic to trees.  My question is, can you actually be allergic to trees or is this some serious conspiracy to troll me personally?  These people have to be either joking or misinformed right?  Are these people allergic to all the trees, or like some sap, or are they allergic to like xylem or phloem or something?  Because I don't see how you can exist if you're allergic to every tree.  And what do you have to do to get this reaction?  There's gotta be varying degrees of this allergy right?  Are they eating the tree, or do they just have to be within like 10 feet of a tree to break out in hives or whatever it is that happens?  Are they carrying sticks in their mouths and playing fetch but being the dog instead?  Someone find me a person who is allergic to trees because I obviously can't mock these patients for having a silly allergy, but I can always make fun of one of you anonymously via the interwebs.

Also I talked to my dad today over our first official business dinner and we essentially decided on me coming in to work at his office after I graduate, which is pretty super badass.  I can't wait to just blast people all over his office and like high five my dad in the hall after really good adjustments.  I'll see between patients and be like "BOOYA blasted that guy"  (internet five).  I'm gonna have so much fun working and I'm super excited.

ALSO I got to play with my sister's nephew Joshua last night.  Oh my being an uncle is gonna be so fun.  I got to play dinosaurs last night.  Do you realize the extent to which roaring at other adults is fun?  Especially after like 3 drinks.  He was like "let's go scare Toby!"  and I was like ok how are we gonna scare him.  "WE'RE DINOSAURS!"  YES WE ARE JOSHUA.  I was born for this game.  Who doesn't love dinosaurs and yelling noises in the house?  Too bad I probably won't see the little dude for another year or so, but still I am gonna rock this uncle thing.  I wanna play with toy cars just as much 2 1/2 year olds and my niece (yup Bridget's kid is a girl) will not be able to get enough of me.  Guaranteed.  Too bad I have to live in Missouri till she's 1&1/2, but I'll be making up for lost time like a boss when I get back.  Play with ALL THE TOYS.  Also Bridget's other nephew is just shy of 1 and he can't crawl yet and it's wicked funny to watch him try.  He like gave up using his arms and tried mashing his head against the floor.  I guess when you think about it it kinda makes sense.  That's like the biggest part of their body.  If my head was as big as my arm is long I would definitely be trying to use it to propel things and myself even more than I do now (which is fairly often).  But enough of the baby talk because it's making me want to play with one again and also it's making me want a dog because face it; dogs and babies are the same before babies can talk except that puppies can run around so they're kinda better.

I feel like I need to reiterate this:  North Korea, get at me.  Make your intentions known.  Don't keep me wondering.  I can't take it anymore.  Here I am in the prime of my life and I can't even get a decent dictator gig when the heir apparent is some sort of asian Michelin man with a slicked back Guile haircut. I mean this is no Dear Leader who really likes to look at things and also likes dubstep.  This is Jaba the Hut whose slime is concentrated in his hair.  This guy is essentially a giant baby Italian immigrant with jaundice.  Boom I'm ending on that joke.  Goodnight.

King Jong Un, I challenge you to a duel

Is it weird to floss in public?  And by public I mean like in my car or something?  I've been thinking of doing my flossing elsewhere because every time I go to bed it seems like I have a million things to do before I actually get to lay down and it's super annoying, so if I could cut flossing out of the equation it would save me like at least one minute.  I need feedback on this and since I'm home, I have less access to people that I can ask these sort of questions to.  I could always ask my mom, but then she would think I'm an idiot and tell my school that I'm probably cheating because, let's face it, people who think about flossing in the car clearly cannot pass their classes when taking 14 of them per semester.  Unless they have Aspergers or something, but I clearly don't have that.  Right?    How did I ever write these things without memes?  Next topic

You know what's the best?  Driving in new england.  So many cool roads.  It's like a race course through the woods almost all the time.  Back roads and back roads and back roads.  I mean the layout makes no sense, but that's the best part.  There were houses first and then roads to connect the houses, and that's the way it should be.  When I'm going somewhere, I don't want to go in a straight line.  Absolutely not.  Get me away from the straight lines.  I want squiggles (4:46).  Give me the road where I'm like 77% going to hit a tree or a car every time.  No more room on the side of roads.  I want my car to barely fit, and sometimes maybe I wanna hit something.  But I also think that cars should be really cheap so I can clip things and put all sorts of scrapes and dents in my car and be able to get a new one whenever I want.  Basically life should be a video game and I don't understand why it's not yet.  It's almost 2012, science.  Get me easily recyclable cars that cost less than actually playing the cruisin USA game.  No more of this virtual reality stuff.  I want reality, but I also want extra lives and stuff. Come on, it's christmas, and it's also almost festivus.  Which reminds me, I better start getting my grievances in order.  Seems like I should have some pretty good ones this year.  But of course I can think of nothing.  BUT there is some huge news that needs to be discussed.

Dear Leader King Jong Il just died in the past 24 hours or so.  And you know what that means!  DICTATOR JOB IS OPEN.  Now it may seem like Illy (that's what we in the dictator business call him) just left it to his son, but those of us in the know know that Un is too busy nomnomnoming to really want to be dictator.  He's got no personality.  No style.  No class.  No discernable shape.  Gross looking fingers.  He's a disgrace to dear leader and to his people. No way this guy is gonna shoot better than Illy did his first time on the links (38 under par) or rock grandpa glasses as hard as dear leader.  Plus, he looks like he even used to like american culture and probably was an eminem fan.  Now, I have no way of knowing if that's actually him or if it's Cameron but I assume it's him because it came up when I googled him.  Just like how this is how obama really looked at some point and was also in the whoomp video.

Clearly Obama

Anyway, Kim Jong Un does not have what it takes to properly suppress an entire country.  A town? Yea.  County?  Maybe. State?  Absolutely not.  North Freaking Korea?  I laugh in your general direction.  There's a reason the pillsbury dough boy isn't a dictator, and it's because he kinda makes you giggle.  I mean you can't just give a dude a bad fade and put him in a suit and call him a dictator.  You might as well put a woman as dictato-hahahahahah I couldn't even type it all out.  Obviously Un is better than a woman, but that's like saying he's better than not even having a dictator, and we all know that there needs to be a Korean dictator.  But I won't be able to sleep at night knowing this clown is it.  I'm going on the offensive here.  As I clearly stated in the title of this blog, I am challenging Kim Jong Un to a battle to the death.  You choose the weapons, the place, the time, and whatever other weird rules you want to choose to make me think that you're crazy enough to dictate (still doesnt sound right).  Hell, if you want to have a gummy worm eating competition I'll smoke you in that.  You may be a fatty mcfat-fat but I bet I can eat you under the table.  Man up Un.  You gotta stomp out all competition if you're gonna be a real dictator, and I'm the first of the seven evil exes you have to face to get the girl with the weird pink haircut who is actually pretty cute.  And by pretty cute I mean She's babe! Shwing! Yadayadayada. HRRRRRR

And on the off-chance that Kim Jong Il isn't actually dead and he's just staging a heroic jesus-esque comeback in which he'll probably wait 4 days to come back to show that he's more powerful than western religion, I sincerery aporogize dear reader and I hope you have not taken my comments against your son too serirousry.  But if you really are dead, then we're all a rittre bit ronery without you.  I won't even bother posting the video because you know the one.  Haiku, dear leader style.

hakiu five seven five

but not for the dearest leader

more surraburr each line.

airplane troll

I forgot about a funny story from yesterday that I meant to tell you all.  Here it is.

So i was walking down that makeshift hallway thing from the gate to the plane yesterday and I was standing in the line there to enter the plane and find my seat like a normal person when I noticed something strange.  The guy behind me in line, instead of standing an appropriate distance directly behind me as is standard line waiting protocol, would walk to my left and stand even with me in the line.  At first I thought he did it by accident or was looking for something that maybe he could only see from the left of the jetbridge, so I sort of ignored it. But around the 9th time we moved forward 4 feet and he walked right up to my side but didn't acknowledge me I started to wonder.  Eventually he fell in line behind me but I started thinking of what possible reason he had to do that.  And by started to wonder I mean I'm about to make up like 5 reasons right now that I think are funny and probably have to do with farts.  So here they are.

1) Blatantly real life trolling me and he's actually just a boss
2) Guy behind him keeps farting and he wants to get away from the source
3) He decided it would be funny to fart on me but had to get at least even with me first
4) Was hoping that I would let him onto the place first so he could crop dust me in the aisle all the way to his seat
5) Thought I'm cute and couldn't get enough of looking at my face in line
6) Thought I was Woody Harrelson and the first 7 times he looked he couldn't tell.

I think those are all the possible reasons for his actions.  So that's my story.  I'm out.

back home and it feels pretty OK

Well the semester is finally over and I am blogging from my glorious kitchen table in my glorious childhood home in the glorious town of Westwood Massachusetts.  This past semester I took 37 credits, and next semester I will also be taking 37 credits.  It got me thinking about my girl Gail Mattix from UD who told me that there was almost no chance that I would be allowed to take 20 credits in the spring of 2010 because it was just too much.  Guess what Gail?  I just took 37 and got a 3.6 so something tells me that 20 2 years ago (damn) was probably not too much.  I think at this point they could tell me I'm taking 50 credits and I wouldn't even think twice.  My boy Dr. Elliot could waltz down into my classroom and be like "Drew we decided that it would be best for you to take tri 5 and 6 together, but you'll just be taking tri 5 online is that OK?" and I would be like "sorry Dr. Elliot I didnt pay attention to what you just said because it was so believable that you would ask me that and I don't listen to mundane details.  You know how old people like to say "you're only as old as you feel" even though we all know they're lying?  That's essentially what I'm doing right now.  Please don't make me take 50 credits.  It was just a joke.  I take it back

So I get to see all my college friends in 12 days and I feel pretty OK about it. By the way thanks for actually allowing "feels pretty ok" become a thing guys.  I know it's not that funny and you really only hang out with me because I organize this kind of thing so you can all see each other but I appreciate the gesture.  By the way I'm the worst at charades.  There is no one worse than me.  And also pictionary.  And taboo.  pretty much any of those games where you have to describe things quickly in an unorthodox way.  Whoever made up those games were clearly not looking out for those of us who are self-conscious and have a lisp.  Sorry that I can't talk quickly and I mumble alright?  Just leave me alone and let me guess or make snide comments from the side in good fun.  I can do that.  Just don't make me get up in front of the class because it's scary and I have a nervous bladder.

Alright it's time to go christmas shopping with mom and dad.  But not before your haiku

semester is done
fly back home to westwood, mass
J O in each room

killed that haiku

I am so sorry matt

sorry matt for not posting a blog but i've been pretending to study for like 5 days now and it's impossible to act like i'm really busy and also blog at the same time.  I mean I gotta at least save face here.  If I'm gonna fade down the stretch and just rely on my midterm grades to carry me through the semester I'm gonna have to at least keep my trace small so it looks like I've been doing workson.  So here goes makeup blog.  The power is mine.

So I'm sitting here at C woosh's kithen table right meow.  Just waiting for my last final to come visit so I can be done with this exhausting semester.  It's not so much that it's been difficult to learn the material as much as it has been super exhausting to have to pretend like I care enough about extra curricular activities to hunt people down and get them to play soccer.  Come on guys, you're making me stressed out and thats not cool.  I don't do stressed out.  I do stressed in.  I know that's not a colloquialism but I'm gonna go ahead and let it go.  Story time.

So I woke up at like 7 oclock this morning to do some last minute review for my exam this morning and I ended up snoozing till like 9.  To avoid being really tired for the rest of the day I took an excedrine migraine aka the greatest thing of all time.  It has caffeine in it.  I don't do well with caffeine.  It has like 1/3 a cup of coffee in it.  I made the choice to not eat anything before said pill.  And it was GAME ON.  My brain flipped out.  This is what happens when Drew ingests caffeine.  Three minutes passed in the library and I thought it was like a million minutes.  Clearly I need to avoid all serious drugs.  They will end poorly.   And by serious drugs I mean anything that has been deemed as an "upper".  

Oh did you hear that Ryan Braun did steroids?  Gotta love professional athletes.  Clearly they're not all scumbags.  Albert Pujols turns down $200 mill to get $230 mill?  That makes sense.  Just keep telling yourself that you're gonna be worth $250 mill for the next 10 years.  You're like 35 years old and coming off a half season long injury.  Here's how you know that you're the worst:  when you're morbidly obese teammate that literally tells the public that he's gonna go to whoever gives him the biggest contract is not the biggest scumbag out of the 2 all stars on your team.  I'm talking about you Ryan Braun.  Science doesn't lie bro.  You did steroids and now people are gonna hate you just like they hate andy pettite roger clemens.  Also this is funny. See next paragraph for commentary, which is why you come here in the first place.

So Jeter gives away skank baskets huh? skankets, if you will.  How many of those gift baskets do you think he has at any given time?  At least like a dozen right?  If I'm Derek Jeter I'm riding this train for as long as possible.  I mean my contract is giving me way too much money, I'm statistically the worst defensive shortstop in baseball, and I've been hitting singles into right field for like 13 years.  I have an awkward shade of skin and an ambiguous name that nobody can tell the ethnicity I am, and I'm as boring as Bill Belichick without being funny.  Come on Jeter.  This is your breakout event.  Start advertising  your skankets and making them interesting like in the oscars.  Make people want to get one of your consolation prizes.  Give some different stuff every time.  Don't be giving out Toblerones and bed bath and beyond gift cards.  Make it something wierd.  Get collections of weird stuff from goodwill.  Like sex and the city seasons on vhs and baby onesies that are ladybug  colored.  by the way I hate ladybugs.  I odn't trust em.  If you're gonna be a secret baller, make yourself special.  Do some illuminati stuff.  Give these girls some severed goat heads or something.  Quit slacking Jeter.  If this paragraph took me like 10 minutes to write, you can give these girls something to remember.  You probably didn't try that hard last night.  Make at least some of the night memorable (boom roasted jeter).  Killed it

Here's your haiku

drink the beer all day

take final in the morning

Get A like a bowse

Today it looked like I peed out of my butt.

Now I will tell you the story about why that was the case.  So I was getting my car tuned up at the Honda place, studying like the responsible student I'm known to be.  Then I thought to myself, "PIZZA."  So I looked up the closest non-st. louis style pizza place and I packed up my stuff and walked myself down the road to the pizza hut.  There I ordered and ate my pizza while learning about all kinds of disgusting pathologies.  And flinch I did not.  As I was about to leave, I refilled my water bottle, put the cap on tight and put it back in my backpack.  On the way home, I had my headphones in, but some 17-20 year old male yelled something out of his car at me.  I did not understand his words.  But in hindsight, it was probably something along the lines of "YOU LOOK LIKE YOU PEED OUT OF YOUR BUTT."  So I finally get back to the honda place and I realize that my legs feel wet.  I grab my backpack and think to myself "wet." I then remove my backpack to find that there is a big ole puddle in my bag and it has been dripping down onto my legs via my butt.  And that is the story of how I did not pee out of my butt, but it must have looked to people who saw me walking that I, in fact, did have some sort of butt pee incident.

By the way, don't google "butt pee."  It's not what you think.  Or maybe it is.  I don't know just don't do it.

Finals start for real tomorrow, which means I will probably be blogging more than usual if this trend holds up.  I do not understand why finals always means I have so much free time, but I think this is why I love finals week.  It's full of actual learning and then down time that I actually feel like I earned.  If I learned all the time at the rate that I do during finals week I would have already learned everything.  And not just for my DC program either.  I mean literally EVERYTHING.  If only I didnt have to waste 7 hours a day pretending to listen to people talk at me.  Zat wut be so grayt.  Stupid classrom requirements.  Just stifling my productivity left and right.  In like 400 years when people actually figure out how to do things well, there will be an option in school for them to just give you a massive stack of papers and tell you "learn all this by the end of the semester," and reincarnated Drew will choo choo choose that option every time.  And then he will watch a lot of internet TV and have no social interactions with people, and he will turn into this, just without the beard because he will not be able to grow one either.  It's only fair.

This thought came into my head today.  After I graduate, I have to do a semester internship for my masters program.  The thought briefly came into my head to do it at UD, and that I could always just sublet for somebody studying abroad.  And then I remembered that I would be 24 living with a bunch of 19 and 20 year old kids.  And that would SUCK.  Remember how gross it was living with 19 and 20 year olds when you were that old and they were your friends?  How long do you think it would be before my brain just exploded? like 3 weeks?  I'd be like hey guys any chance you wanna clean up the puke from the party last week? and they'd be like "I did clean it up" and I'd be like "no, you put it in the bathtub and then the drain clogged and so it's still there."  "not my problem bro. hey can you buy us beer?"  That's as far as I got before I made myself stop thinking about it so I wouldn't get mad at my hypothetical underage roommates two years from now, meaning they are now probably seniors in high school.  AAaaaaaaaaaand I'm old.

OK well its time to go work out I guess so my fat stops growing and I can actually sleep tonight.  I get to sleep till like 8 tomorrow.  I love finals week.  Here's your haiku

no lecture for me
take tests real fast then go read
try not to butt pee

boom all 3 lines rhymed.  killed that haiku.  They call me hashimoto because I am the primary cause of hypothyroidism in the US

on a roll

I've studied for the past 2 days in a row.  And on top of that, I'm even planning to do some more studying this very evening.  They call me the finals dominator.  And I also have a story to tell.  Blog, HOOOOOOOOO

So I was minding my own merry business yesterday, staring at some pathology words on a paper, all alone in my classroom because everyone else had left.  It was in the early afternoon.  One of my classmates, who shall remain nameless, entered the classroom and started talking to me.  I decided to engage him back.  So we get to talking, and by we I mean he told me all about himself for like 20 minutes and I smiled and nodded and gave some appropriate social feedback.  Until we started talking about his old high school.  So from there, he told me his school had a lot of Bosnian immigrants and inner city kids bussed in to attend, which didnt seem that out of the ordinary.  He told me about the Bosnian kids and how they all smell bad and had "rice burner" cars, which I am looking up right now on urban dictionary because I don't know what it means.  And I'm being told it's racist.

He then said that only about 30% of people from his high school went to college.  I was sort of surprised, being from the snooty rich town that I'm from, since almost all of my friends, even the dumb ones, went to college.  Then this person said to me, and I'm paraphrasing for the most part, but I'm gonna put it in quotes here for effect, "I don't know about the Bosnians or black kids, but out of all my white friends, you know, the people from good families, like 30% went to college."  Yay racism!  Dude didn't even flinch.  And he's just some normal guy too.  Here is how I felt, and here is how I looked.  Straight poker faced him.  Gotta love blatant, unapologetic racism.  Except the opposite.  Get me back to a northern coast please.  Maybe we still do lame stuff up there too, but at least we have the decency to keep our racism private (except the old people, who of course do whatever they want).  Hey dude, I appreciate that middle eastern food smells bad, but I'm not trying to hear about how the black kids are all from "bad families."  uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I'm uncomfortable now, I think I'm gonna go study pathology and write an apology letter to Al Sharpton for you.  He's still in charge of formal racism apologies right? Too much for me.

Well now that I've spent the past 2 days writing about religion and racism, I'm gonna go a little bit lighter here.  I would like to give you another funny thing I found from reddit.  Maybe even 2, depending on how I feel. This is a series of pictures that I saw last night while I was roaming the interwebs.  Oh my is this funny.  If you're in class, I recommend that you compose yourself fully before reading? this and then have some sort of object at hand to cover your face.  Because you're about to enter the roflcopter and take a flight over to lmaosville.  I hope that I've hyped this up enough so that you really think it's not funny anymore, aka the Big Lebowski effect.  People do that with movies all the time, but I've never seen it crash so hard as it does with the Big Lebowski.  You know who likes Big Lebowski?  Not your girlfriend or your friend whose favorite movie is fight club.  You know who does like big lebowski?  your drug dealer.  Rule #1 of the big lebowski--never watch it with anyone who has never seen it before.  It's the worst.  It's like watching a skate video with someone who doesnt skate.  You're sitting there making the occasional "OH" or "woo!" sound and the other person is playing fruit ninja lite for the 200th time even though they've already got the highest score possible because they can't afford a dollar for the real thing.  I know none of you skate but I'll assume you have some sort of correlating experience, even though I'm sure you're all shaking your head "no" right now.  I hate you all.

I have come to the realization that grad school is the worst time I could have ever got a smartphone.  I've devised a little equation here in the last 10 seconds and it goes a little something like this:

___(amount of studying I have to do)^2____  =GPA
  amount of time on reddit on my phone

You see, as reddit approaches 0, my GPA approaches infinity, and as as reddit approaches infinity, my GPA approaches 0.  However, I really just need to keep study time at about 3.6(reddit^2) so I can look smart to my parents.  This is a very careful balancing act that mostly involves going on reddit.  My current situation is sort of like in 2008 when the economy crashed and then we had like 25 other major crises (natural disasters, etc.) in like a 2 year period, and every time anyone would talk about it on the news, everything was "the perfect storm" of stuff coming together to destroy us all at once, but everybody knew that it was just a regular storm added to people being idiots.  And I'm beginning to realize 2 things:

1) I put way too much stock in stuff John Stewart says, and
2) I'm an idiot just like everybody else

It's kind of nice knowing that I'm just as stupid as everybody else.  For so long I had the burden of thinking that I was super smart and therefore had responsibility to actually do something useful with myself, but now I'm finding out that I just like looking at funny pictures on the internet.  It's like a huge weight has been taken off my shoulders and it has been replaced with like 3 really soft puppies that are actually cumulatively the same weight as the other weight but they're so much cuter.  Welp, I feel great now.  Oh and here is the other thing from reddit I was gonna show you.

insanity wolf
really has to poop in class
and you know the rest.

tebow and the pope and wrestling and such

I've been seeing a lot of articles about how it's bad to make fun of tim tebow for tebowing.  And clearly the people writing these articles did not learn from when they got made fun of in elementary school.  You know what's funny?  Tebowing.  You know what's funnier than that?  Tebowing in the face of someone who is whining really loud about how bad it is to mock someone's religion.  Remember when you were growing up and you were just doing weird stuff, minding your own business because you were 6 and 6 year olds do weird stuff?  And then your brother said "Drew stop that it's really annoying"?  What did you do?  DO IT WAY HARDER.  I believe I've made my point but I will continue to make it in the next paragraph.

Lately a lot of people have been saying stuff like "if tebow was a muslim you wouldn't do that" and "christians are the last group that it's ok to make fun of."  Well, it's also ok to make fun of fat people so that 2nd point is moot.  But as for the first point, you're right.  But, if you want to make that argument and really make it work for you, I think you need to find some crazier extremists and bombard the media with them so everybody thinks that when you get messed with, a bunch of people die.  Because nobody makes fun of the dude with the crazy cousin, no matter what's wrong with him.  Personally if I was the christian King (Jesus?) I would choose radicalism.  Go big or go home.  Or as I always say, go big and then go home.  But you're gonna have to choose your signature move.  Stone Cold had the stunner, undertaker had the choke slam, the rock had the people's elbow.  You're gonna have to get creative, christians.  It's gotta be catchy.  It's gonna start with "the."  And it's gotta get the crowd going.  How about the pope slam?  Cross yourself with those 2 fingers and then hook under the dude's chin with those same fingers, and do like a submandibular triangle slam (but with both hands for balance because that's not a midsaggital triangle.  It's just an idea (but an awesome one).  Maybe I went too far with this.  Or maybe not far enough.

You could have a whole wrestling crew and call it "the clergy" or something.  Each of you can have different clergy names and you would all wear rosaries and instead of hitting people with chairs you use a big cross or a pew or something.  Your leader can wear the pope hat and come out in a fake popemobile (Apparently popemobile is an accepted word by blogger.com by the way).  You guys would be a hit.  Your song that you come out to would be "amazing grace" or "jesus loves the little children" or better yet "I am a C"  I would pay so much to see greased up dudes in bikini underwear wrestle to that song.  In a totally straight way.  I think.

Well I'm pretty sure this is the most offensive blog I've written so far.  Haven't really come down this path before, so I guess we'll just have to see what happens here.  Also not really sure why I went the wrestling route.  But I like it.  Time for some hummus and online TV reruns.

write about wrestling
link the anatomy terms--
instant board review

Oh my

Welp I'm here studying pathology and I have a few thoughts on this subject. It is the worst. I'm essentially trying to memorize different types of anemia and cancer. Hey chiropractic school--there is a reason I didn't go to med school and it's not so I could learn all this crap anyway. Show of hands--how many of you have treated cancer with your bear hands (http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/funny-puns-my-bear-hands.jpg)? Like my new way of posting links from my phone? Pretty awesome huh? Copy and paste it you lazy bastards. Well back to the point. I would like to demonstrate to you all how I will be treating patients with cancer.

"well mr patient your x ray has some spots on it that could be cancer, so I will refer you to an oncologist now. Good luck with your cancer."

Boom treated. All without ever taking pathology 2 taught by miscellaneous med school professors. I'm not real happy about this. Time to go study again, but not before your haiku

Read pathology.
All words look the same to me
Chop my head off now

I just farted.

not in sleep mode yet

I made soup tonight after I reffed some soccer because it's real cold out.  I put some goldfish in it, and I had a sad realization.  Whole grain goldfish are nowhere near as good as the regular stuff.  They're not the same crispy wonderful slightly cheesy snack I've grown to love so much.  It's way harder and overall a huge disappointment.  Good thing I only bought the biggest box they sell in normal grocery stores.  Now I get to be disappointed for like 3 days while I stuff my face with letdown after letdown.  I mean did you see that little girl's face?  Blatantly mocking me.  "Oh Drew you want regular godlfish?  OOPS, I spilled some all over the floor.  Looks like you can't have any of these because it's only OK for little kids like me to eat stuff off the floor.  That must be so upsetting for you.  I would offer you a tissue but I'm gonna need it to wipe all the cheesy goodness off of my hands and the places my tongue doesn't reach on my face that somehow I'll manage to get food on because I'm a small child and my motor control isn't very good.  I still have to build some neural pathways before I'll be able to eat without getting crumbs in my eyebrows."  I hate you.

So I have my first A of the semester, 4 days before finals starts.  Thank you class for failing our first NMS test miserably so I got a whole bunch of free points that I really didnt need and making it super easy for me to cruise to an A.  So far, so good.  Doin it and doin it and doin it well.  

Also, I was reading the new skateboarder magazine today and there's a section called "who's hot" where they do mini interviews to like 4 up and comers in skateboarding, and one of the questions was "what would you do if you won the lottery?"  I started thinking what I would do, and I was pretty disappointed in my imagination.  All my answers are really practical, with the exception of the like 3 cool things I would want to do with my hypothetical house (urinal in every bathroom, basement skatepark, hammock floor).  And I've been disappointed in my ability to think of something funny for christmas this year (nothing plausible yet).  I just have no creativity left I guess.  My brain is slowly being stripped of all its glory by being force fed information in lecture 7 hours a day, and on top of that I'm definitely getting some early cold whininess.  I would call it depression, but really it's just whininess.  STOP IT DREW.  YOU'RE BUMMING OUT THE READERS WITH YOUR DEPRESSING JIBBER JABBER.   Do you ever wonder what Mr T is like in real life?  Me neither.

Well it's just about that time where I'm gonna have to actually start buckling down and studying for finals because I feel guilty not learning all the crap they want me to learn.  So I hope it doesn't cut into my blogging, but I can make no guarantees.  Most of them will probably be mid-class short sweet nothings whispered into the deep tubes of the internets.  So don't be upset with me for not giving you a mental break from your finals, because it takes about 15 times longer for me to write this crap than it does for you to read it.  So I will now leave you with a meme, because there's only so many haikus you can write.

conspiracy keanu, everyone.

Ten minute Physio blog

Let's see if I can bang this thing out in fifteen minutes. Shouldn't be a problem since I only have one thing to talk about. Button fly pants. Here we go

So I bought my first pair of button fly pants last week and I feel like a total sellout. I have been fundamentally against button fly pants because they take so long to button up and because I thought they would take a long time to unbutton. Turns out only one of those things is true. Real easy to take off. A little....too easy. But still I feel at least 1/2 sold out. Fortunately, as I get older I've become better and better at suppressing shame and just doing whatever it is I feel like doing. But this is serious. Major ethical dilemma here. Does wearing pants that I have to button 5 times make me lame? My vote currently is still yes. Let's take a look at the facts shall we?

1) I write a blog on a regular basis
2) I bought a pair of button fly pants
3) I have ray ban glasses.
4) I like plaid

That's it. I've done it. I'm officially a lame hipster. what have I done? And not only that, I've made it clear that my inner monologue is gay. I think I should probably just get it over with and move to France and start wearing a beret and dress shoes with no socks. I'm the worst. I need some time to reflect on what my life has become. Here's your somewhat related haiku

Put on my new pants
Button button button stop.
Two more buttons left

sunday sunday

Good day everyone.  I say good day because it's technically still morning here in missouri for another 2 minutes but I don't want to offend those of you who are on the east coast and clearly are now in the afternoon.  I would hate to inappropriately greet any of you.  So good day.  I said good day.

Finals start this week.  Friday.  It's about to go down.  But before finals start, I would like to show you my new favorite goal of all time.  I put it on facebook yesterday but I feel like I owe it a long-winded and hyperbolic breakdown.  So here we go.

For whatever reason I think it's even funnier to watch this goal in what appears to be Turkish?  I have no explanation why, but Turkish is just kinda funny to me.  Does anyone know what turkish delight is?  I'm gonna go ahead and google it and see what it looks like.  Hold please.  Well.  That does not help at all.  Oh you mean it's cubes with white powder on it?  I completely understand what that is now! Thank you so much.  But now onto the goal.

I'll hit the obvious point first.  He's black.  Now that we got that out of the way, can you honestly believe that goal?  The score is 4-1 in the 89th minute, and the game is clearly done for, so what do you do?  Shoulder in a ball that's already going in and try to intimidate the net off of the goal.  His teammates are like "yay that was so cool I liked how you put the ball in the goal" and he is essentially Insanity Wolf.  I finally understand what swag is.  People have been using the term "swagger" wrong for like 5 years now.  Whenever that song "swagger like us" came out, they clearly had no idea what they were talking about.  I mean, they weren't even fly like the bees in the trees, and they had never seeen that goal because it was in the future and they're not Michael J Fox.  I've never seen such authority in my entire life.  Sports Authority has less authority over sports than Balotelli has over that goal.  Mind--Blown.  If there is one thing reddit has done for me that doesnt involve me wasting all of my time every day, it is giving me way more internet to put links to on this blog.  Gotta love the blown mind gif.  Do I understand it?  Not really.  Is it really funny?  Yup.

This is my other new favorite meme. Oh what's that you're saying, internet?  I'm a huge nerd now and you're not sure if you want to be friends with me anymore?  I understand.   But seriously, Neil Degrasse Tyson, astrophysicist and overall super smart and useful contributor to the earth, and he is best known for a black and white drawing of him with a quote next to him that he didn't say.  That's the internet at its finest.  I've been saying "watch out guys, we got a badass over here" to myself all the time recently.  Unfortunately, the only person I know who gets it is only in like 3 of my classes now, so I'm essentially forever alone now.  But hopefully this paragraph will help spread the word of the glory of Neil Degrasse Tyson and I won't have to makes jokes to myself all the time.  So now you know.

So i saw Tim's facebook post about Harry Potter weekend from friday or saturday or whatever day it was, and I gotta say it made me real happy.  Not only was it about harry potter and how awesome ABC family is for force feeding us harry potter movies because they know it's the only reason people watch ABC family, but also Tim is starting to write facebook statuses like how I write blogs.  Here it is in its entirety.

"no idea how or why i'm awake right now... but the glory that is harry potter weekend is making it impossible to even consider going back to sleep. what's that you say? every 3rd weekend is harry potter weekend and it's ridiculous that you watch it almost every time? well i say to you, judgemental facebook status readers of the world, while your words are upsetting, i don't really care what you think. Filch all day."


Sound famlilar? Asking yourself questions that clearly nobody is actually asking because you're writing on your computer alone and then giving answers that you had already thought up? Anyone? Nobody? Tim loves me everyone! He reads my blog with such fervor that even my inner monologue is starting to penetrate his own. And not in a gay way. Unless you're into that. They're not real anyway so you can imagine them any way you want because they have no physical manifestation. So I guess what I'm saying here is that maybe my and Tim's inner monologues are gay for each other or something? I don't know.  Time to eat breakfast.  But first--your haiku

gay monologues drew?

that's really where you're going?

have seat over there.

They call me the Chris Hansen incorporator.  Also remember when that guy got caught diddling?  

Blog Tub Time Machine.

writing this while sweaty on the floor in my room

I've gone skateboarding for 3 days in a row now.  GREAT choice on my part.  Today I had the little kindergarten class watching me through the windows, just making the teachers' jobs so much easier.  Hey teachers, where's my cut?  You're supposed to be occupying these kids' minds here, and I'm doing it for you.  How bout a tip or something?  A guy's gotta eat.  Even though mom and dad pay for all my food, I gotta drink right? I mean I'm only 22 here.  I have like 7 more years before it starts to get lame that I still binge drink and skateboard.  And then obviously it gets really cool again right after that.  Just look at that guy.  But really.  I'm serious.  I deserve a tip or something.  40 minutes of entertainment earns me at least like 2 or 3 bucks per teacher.  And that's lowballing myself.  My time is valuable.  I mean I'm here doing your job when I need to be blogging, watching tv on the internet, and putting off studying till this weekend.  I mean I have an exhausting schedule here.  At least offer to do my laundry or something.

Today I saw a picture of a bug that is so big that it can eat full sized carrots.  I should warn you.  That link goes to the bug.  and it is a large.  I would call it a large bug.  And since when do bugs have mouths that big?  I really only have  one question for you all though.  How hard would you stomp that bug? I would stomp it harder than I have ever stomped anything in my life.  You remember in American History X when ed norton stomped that dude's face? Or when Albert haynesworth stomped that dude when he played for the titans?  I would stomp that bug about 100000000X harder than that.  It would make the most satisfying crunch.  Like no crunch you've ever heard.  You would never be able to get that sound out of your head.  I bet it would echo.  You'd have to wear boots though.  And like those gallagher ponchos to avoid all the juice.  You would have to have like a warrior cry too.  I would definitely go with the howard dean BYAAA!  Oh my someone get me this bug so I can BYAA the crap out of it.  I watch the L word on showtime.  BYA

But seriously.  How big is that bug?  Do you think it's even real?  I mean it's on the internet so it has to be, but is it real?  How does a bug evolve to be that big?  Don't exoskeletons get inefficiently heavy at that size?  And WHO IS OK WITH HOLDING THAT THING IN THEIR HAND?  I get that some people aren't grossed out by spiders and stuff (like Zisk.  Nerves of steel that one), but who was like "hold that bug? yeah no problem I've seen bigger."  NO YOU HAVENT.  I've seen dinosaurs smaller than that.  That bug is like the size of the smallest person.  If that thing can fly I might just kill myself right now so I never have to see it fly at me.  If tha can fly I'm carrying a tennis racket with me all the time now so I can slice and dice that thing in one swoop.  Hopefully they're dumb like cicadas and fly really slowly right at you so you can dominate them right out of the air and then BYA them.  I mean that thing is a monster.  Literally.  There is a new genus in the animal kingdom and it is "monstrus" and that bug is the only thing in it.

Saying "monstrus" last paragraph made me really miss the dining hall in college when me and zisk would make the monstrosity on burger night.  The best strosity.  Double cheeseburger with two layers of fries in it.  essentially a big mac with fries in it.  That is why I put on weight in college.  And then immediately lost it because I hate being fat.  In one of my classes we had to write about what cues we have to make us exercise.  I wrote something along the lines of "I can feel myself getting fatter and I can feel my skin folding over onto itself and it makes me want to puke so then I go work out and stop eating so much."  Not those words exactly but something like that.  That has to be my least favorite feeling.  My stomach skin folding up on itself and touching other things.  I'd rather have that bug crawl all over me and I immediately take that back I don't want that bug near me.  Unless it's under my boot.  I can see it now.  I'm imagining the perfect stomp.  Sports psychology here.  Knee comes up to my chest, I see the bug look up at me with the carrot in its mouth, then BYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA and its intestines mash out from under my boot and i squish it and the crunch is so satisfying.  Get me this bug but really keep it away from me but I wanna squish it so bad.  Here's your haiku

giant carrot bug
i would like to squish your head
and see you go dead

2 very important things.

I have something to talk about today.  This will be a purpose driven blog.  TM.  Today I shaved.  Really it was like 10 minutes ago.  Maybe 12.  And my razor was dull.  Bru. Tal.  If I could give one piece of advice to mankind, it would be this:  Do not shave against the grain with a dull razor.  Talk about a first world problem.  My face now feels somewhat windburned, and even though I kind of like that feeling I do not appreciate the minor pain that I had to endure in order to achieve an attractively smooth face.  I mean, if they're going to call me smooth face I'm gonna need to have a smooth face and I can't be putting up with all kinds of dull razors and hair tug in order to get there.  Now I'm gonna have to go all the way to the third shelf in the same cabinet that my razor is in and do that cool reload thing where I stick my "razor handle" into the "new blade slot" so I can have a "refreshing shave."  That innuendo really fell apart at the end.  Someone comment me a good pun that makes it sound like shaving my face is intercourse.  I dont know if you've been able to tell but I've been really fishing for comments this past week and only Tim and Matt have come through for me.  Come on other 8 (7?) followers.  Step your game up.  I'm blogging again and it's been a whole 3 days and nobody has noticed?  I can't believe you're all being so selfish.

The other thing I would like to talk about today is peeing.  But a very specific aspect to peeing.  So I peed this morning, and then I washed my hands in warm water, and I immediately had to pee again.  Come on bladder.  You're that sensitive to the hand in warm water thing?  That's so 1985.  AKA 4 years before I was born.  That stopped being cool when I was still a primary oocyte and you still want to get tricked by it?  Of course, I didn't bother peeing again, but do you think I actually could have peed again?  Tim don't answer this one because you witnessed my miracle pee so you're biased.

I am getting really distracted by this hummus right now.  Jalapeno cilantro hummus, are you kidding me right now?  Not only are you unbelievably tasty, you do not exist according to google images.  Even on your website there is no picture of you, only a nutrition facts label.  Talk about arrogant.  "I'm so good that I don't even have to show myself.  People will search me out at their local dierbergs in the produce section between the premade salads in a bag and the bell peppers right underneath the guacamole without even seeing what I look like."  Well you know what jalapeno cilantro hummus?  I don't like you, but dammit I respect you.  And I also really like you.  How did I even consider living my life before hummus?  The older I get, the more I question my existence as a child and adolescent.  Are you serious young Drew?  No hummus, no stuffing, NO GRAVY? NO GRAVY REALLY?  I mean come on Drew.  I refuse to let my children make the same mistakes I have made.  Oh you don't like the hummus kids?  Well TOO BAD I'm not letting you have a hummus-less childhood.  Now while you're at it develop a better work ethic than I have so you can save America, because God knows I'm not smart enough to do it.  STOP CRYING!  Use your words to communicate why you're upset so that you can work out your problems logically.  Oh you're upset because I'm a terrible father and I'm force feeding you hummus?  Well then.  You're grounded.

Ok well I told myself I would study tonight so I guess I'll get a jump on that.  Or maybe I'll just move hummusfest '11 to my bed and watch house until I fall asleep.  Either way, here is your haiku so that you don't run into the mean streets of New York and get hit by a taxi or something.  Matt knows.  Oh by the way Matt I checked boltbus and their schedule isn't up for the dates we would be going to Delaware yet. By the way guys, only one response to the beach plan for new years?  I need head counts.  now.  People in Missouri can disregard this, unless you're planning on stalking me to Rehoboth, DE for new years.  POLAR BEAR PLUNGE TO THE FACE

hummus in my face
hummus inside of my cheeks
hummus on my butt

Ha.  Butt.

it's cold out now

So I think it's officially winter now.  It's not like super freezing or anything, but it's definitely not warm anymore at any point.  I need to bring gloves back with me.  You know how when you're a kid you never wanna wear any warm clothes because you think it's lame?  Oh that was just me?  Ok, well I have officially grown out of that phase.  I'm tired of cold fingers.  I need warm hands.  Why is my butt always so warm and my fingers so cold.  "Actually Drew it's because of blood circulation and your body's tendency to keep warmth centralized when it gets cold to save your organs and" SHUT UP I KNOW WHY.  Can't a guy complain rhetorically without getting an inner monologue lecture?  I get it, finals are coming up and you wanna do well.  Speaking of finals, I found out today that I have a practical exam tomorrow.  Good thing I'm super smart because I'm gonna smoke show this exam.  And all the rest of my exams with the exception of probably pathology and fund dx.  Let's face it, my knowledge of blood disorders is not going to make or break me in clinic.  Let's play a little game called "How Drew is going to handle patients that ask questions about their blood disorder."  Here we go:

"Hey Dr. Drew, is there anything I should be doing in particular about my ________?"
"You know what patient?  I don't know about that disease but I would be happy to read up on it and get back to you next time you come in.  If there's something I can't answer, I can always refer you to someone who can."
"Ok thanks Dr. Drew you're so smart and good looking and I wish I was you!"
"Everyone does patient.  Everyone does."

Boom disaster averted and I don't have to ever learn pathology.

So I've been thinking about moving when my lease is up here and I decided to look in the best of places: Craigslist.  I can't wait to live in a craigslist house.  I want it to be like a reality TV show.  Honestly I've had such good luck with my current roommate that I really want something to go terribly wrong in this next living situation so that 1) I can blog about it and it will be funny and 2) I can go Joe Kleiman all over them and  say "wait what?" all the time.  Shoutout to Jeff Kinney and Finberg if you still read this for being the only ones to get that reference.  Also shoutout to Joe Kleiman for being a boss.  Hopefully you google yourself and find this blog and remember me from 2007 freshman heavyweights.  Sorry for quitting.  But not that sorry.

But anyway more about craigslist.  All the deals look so good but I don't trust any of them.  Here is why I don't trust things on craigslist.  Because they have a whole section of their website for people to give shoutouts to someone that gave them a boner.  You cant trust a place like that.  Imagine the conjugate real life place to that website.  Just people wandering around in a room saying things out loud like "You were my cashier at walmart and you had the cutest gold tooth.  I think I could really satisfy you.  Tell me what brand of hot dog I bought if you've been thinking of me too."  The worst part about that is that it wouldn't even be that weird of a missed connection.  I'm gonna click 3 and copy and paste the weirdest one.  Here goes. Aaaaaaand it only took one.

"You was working and just got scared by a squirrel in the dumpster lol I guess you caught me checking you out and told me your squirrel story lol I just wanted tell you that your a little hottie! If you remember me and want to hook up let me know!"


This is unacceptable.  You can't trust the internet, people.  With or without the comma.  Definitely don't trust internet people.  If someone tells you they are an internet person, run away.  This paragraph didnt really make sense except to me.  I think that's the case more often than I realize.


You know how else I know it's winter?  I'm getting really lazy for no reason.  I got out of school early today and had all the time in the world to go skate.  Instead?  Ate chips and salsa, watched internet TV and started on this blog.  And also I'm gonna make some ringtones.  Because I can.  The cold makes you do crazy things.  The more I think about it, the more I am realizing that I'm gonna have to build my own house.  Because I want weird things in there.  I'm gonna need a basement with tall ceilings and a urinal, unnecessary doors, a hammock floor, I want a slide, all this weird stuff.  I'm not gonna have any money for kids.  Sorry kids, but your needs come after my desire for a super awesome house.  Your dad is somewhat out of his mind, but it's OK because you'll never have to walk down stairs in your house because you'll have a slide.  Good trade.

Busenitz Hammock Floor

Sorry for the shameless Berrics plug but it's the only place I've ever seen a picture of Busenitz's hammock floor to the upstairs of his house.  I'm gonna add a caption so next time anybody googles busenitz hammock it comes right here.  It's all about strategy here guys.  Let's make my blog blow up so I can get rich off it and stop talking to all of you.  Here's your haiku


It's real cold outside
but my farts warm up my butt
but not for that long

How am I the least busy with finals coming up?  Someone explain this anomaly to me.

TWO DAYS IN A ROW

Just so we're clear, this is three blogs in two days.  I'm in full on procrastination mode.  Straight college mode.  I think my brain is only capable of focusing while seated for like 2 hours a day.  And those 2 hours have to be in like 15 minute increments.  Lecture was not invented with smartphones in mind.  My god reddit, why must you be so much more interesting and witty than my professors?  Well I guess here I go again.  On my own.  Writing on the only blog I've ever known.  Just remembered that my computer doesnt do the 2 space period shortcut or autocorrect words into the proper contraction.  Expect very few contractions to be spelled correctly.

So i went to ref today like I usually do on Monday nights, only to get there and realize it was too wet to play.  So that kinda sucked.  Then I went to Walmart.  I came to the conclusion that there are 3 groups of people at walmart: the broke, the fat, and the ironic.  Often there are overlap between two groups, but almost never three.  You can have fat and broke, ironic and fat, etc.  This is based on nothing really, but we all know that it's fun to group people into narrow categories and make rules.  Structure is necessary even in comedy people.  Otherwise you end up with that weird video that Gabe gives Erin in the office to play at the halloween party that is really disturbing that she eventually turns off and tries to play that penis card game.  Don't know what I'm talking about?  Well then that last sentence should be even funnier to you because penis card game is way funnier out of context than in any context.  By the way, how nervous are/were you about clicking the penis card game link?  If you havent yet, turn you volume all the way up especially if you're in a place where pornography is frowned upon.  If you have, you'll know that I was bluffing in that last sentence.  

Do you sometimes wish that when I start on a topic like that Walmart groups thing above that I would actually finish the paragraph on that topic?  Too bad because this is my blog and I do what I want.  You know what the worst part about holiday weeks is?  No new TV episodes.  The only show to come through?  Dexter.  Given it's on a sunday so it isn't affected per se by thanksgiving travel or anything like that.  By the way, Dexter keeps killing it real hard this season.  So many twists, turns, and the like.  If you're not watching Dexter this season, do yourself a favor and catch up on all the episodes, especially if you have 9 hours or so to kill.  Really it'll end up being closer to about 450 minutes, which is about 7.5 hours because the episodes are 50 minutes long (give or take) and if you watch them online there's no wait time between episodes.  So in one average work day, you could easily fit in the whole season (thus far) of Dexter.  And given that most (read "all") of my readers are in school of some sort (read "non-med school health field grad school"), that means you're probably going into finals soon and you're really gonna want to waste all the time you can because, let's face it, winging it on tests is way more fun than actually studying and learning the material.  It's all about the thrill.  Some people go skydiving or have sex in public, or have sex while skydiving.  I take tests that I'm completely unprepared for.  Basically the same thing.  By the way, skydiving sex?  Bold move.

Well Chrstmas is coming up and that means one thing for Drew--buying something silly for Aaron and Toby.  Best Saturnalia tradition ever.  For those of you who don't know the tradition, we essentially just try to buy each other the stupidest things we can find for christmas.  Like last year I got Aaron like 200 chinese finger traps and Toby got like 700 temporary tattoos.  So something like that.  This paragraph is essentially just gonna be brainstorming for my christmas presents.  Letting the creative juices flow.  Just so we're clear, the creative juices are also known as creativity stimulating fluid and are produced by the choroid plexus in the brain ventricles (science joke).  First thought- Macaulay Culkin fathead.  Either in classic Home Alone scream pose or current creepy coked out version.  Whichever one, I just want the head.  That would be pretty awesome.  And it has to be like 3 feet tall.  Maybe I should just get one of them for Aaron and the other for Toby.  Just found out you can make custom fatheads.  But they cost 70 bucks at the cheapest.  I can't wait to be rich and just squander money on silly things like Macaulay Culkin fatheads.  If my future wife isn't into strange things on our walls she will be in for a rude awakening.  I'm honestly drawing blanks here for plausible christmas presents.  I'll have to discuss it with a few of my most trusted colleagues.  Alex and Wes, prepare to help me with present ideas.  Grad school is somewhat less conducive to creativity than undergrad was.  When all you do is hang out with your friends all day and play video games and stuff, some wild stuff gets thrown around.  By the way guys, I really want to play super smashed bros during our new years reunion.  Do any of you have N64?  Because if not, we may have a problem.  I mean we could always play a day long harry potter drinking game.  I have made no progress on the christmas present front.

Well I have nothing else to say now.  I think it's time to watch some more internet TV and continue to waste my life.  Maybe eat some clementines or something.  By the way, this cereal is super good.  I'm sure it's not good for you at all, but it tastes so right.  Things really should just always taste like blueberry muffin.  Blog.  Out.

something real fast

Today I learned something that I feel is very important.  If any of you follow the NFL even loosely, you know that there is a wide receiver named Anquan Boldin.  The Patriots now have a cornerback named Antwaun Molden.  This has to be some sort of ploy by Roger Goddell to confuse me right?  I mean, these two have to instantly be mortal enemies dont they?  It would be like if there was a new NFL owner named Shmerry Shmones, or if all of a sudden there was some genius paralyzed physicist named Stephen (pronounced STEFF-in) Dawkins.  If the patriots play the Ravens in the playoffs and these two face off against each other, I demand a giant picture of it signed by both players.  Can you imagine John Madden trying to recap a play with these two?  I'm not even gonna write it out because if I do then it will be like your favorite book being made into a movie, but like one step before that when you have an awesome idea and then try to make it out of stuff in your garage and it just doesn't live up to your expectations.  Come up with your own bumbling John Madden monologue in which he eventually Lee Corso's it and says "fuck it" on live TV.  I would literally spend every dollar I have to get a signed picture of Molden and Boldin jumping side by side with both of them having their hands on the ball and somehow they're both turned in a manner that their backs face the camera.  So $45 dollars.  Boom, poor joke.  But seriously.  NFL.  Get this to happen.  And also get Molden to tackle Boldin for a safety that wins a game 2-0.  If that happened I would be able to die happy.  I might stop watching football all together because nothing else could live up to the glory of that moment.  It would be like if Rudy caught a touchdown pass to win a game that also somehow saved America from terrorists and freed all the bald eagles that were in a cage and also saved a bunch of babies from drowning and it brought about world peace and cured AIDS and put up a bunch of McDonalds in Africa that only served healthy food and it was free and it then prompted Jesus to come down and was like hey guys good job figuring this stuff out now everybody gets to go to heaven and the devil just exploded from all the awesomeness.  If all those things happened in like 4 second increments I think I would still pick the Molden Boldin safety game winner.  Alright this ended up not being that fast but this is just so cool and it has given me faith in sports again.  I think this moment kicked my sports apathy to the curb.  Hey guys! I care now!  Isn't that great!?  Sports are so cool!

Actually I just want the Molden Boldin thing to happen.  Come on that would be so cool.

Post thanksgiving celeblogtion

Well thanksgiving is now over and it's time to get back to real life. Finals time. Boy oh boy did this semester ever go fast. I'm feeling a little nostalgic and I might get teary eyed as I write this on the plane, so don't be surprised to see a few water stains throughout this blog. I did learn a few things over this mini break though. I will now list them off to you in the order in which I remember them

1) family gatherings are way funnier when you're just a little bit drunk the whole day.
2) I definitely need to live in the city after I get out of school because skating in the city is just so much better.
3) I think I need to move in with some people who don't go to school with me because I hate talking about nothing but school.

That is all that I learned. I do have some exciting news too. In February I will be traveling to the great nation of Guatemala to chiropract some poor people with mom and dad. I'm pretty sure that's the correct verb. Chiropract. I'm sticking with it. They call me the word inventor for a reason.

While skating in Boston this weekend I stopped by Occupy Boston just so I could say that I did. I gotta say, their definition of 'occupy' is much different than mine own. I would call what thy are doing 'sleeping in makeshift tents in a contained half block.' If I was trying to occupy a place, I think I would try to spread out more. A for effort, F for execution. Interesting crowd in there too. Very Newton-y. Plenty of middle ages to old Jews and slightly overweight mixed race people. Not as hipster as I thought it would be. But that is all I have to say about that.

I was talking to someone last week about home alone, and I'm pretty sure it's a regular blog reader. I don't remember who exactly, but probably Wes. This person said that in the part where Kevin is beating down the wet bandits with all his booby traps, Marv takes a disproportionately large amount of the trauma. So, by happen chance (is that even a real phrase?) I watched home alone (on VHS mind you) this weekend and I took it upon myself to keep track of what happens to who in the McCallister household. I will now present to you my unbiased, double blind clinical trial entitled "Who Got Beat Down Worse?" Hopefully this will also become a staple in my blog because that's one he'll of a segment title. Here goes :

Pesci

Bb gun to nuts
Slip on stairs x3
Hot doorknob
Fire on head
Feathered/glue
Slip on cars
Paint can to face
Wire trip
Crowbar to stomach
Rope swing into house
Shovel to face

Marv

Bb gun to head
Slip down stairs x2
Crowbar to head
Iron to head
Step on nail
Step on glass ornaments
Slip on cars
Paint can to face
Spider on the face
Rope swing to house
Shovel face

I have yet to draw conclusions to this study yet, so this is just the raw data. Hopefully Slobodan can help me with the analysis. My first instinct is that Marv does get it worse, because pesci's only exceptions are fire in the head, burnt hand, and bb gun to nuts. Bb gun to nuts isnt so bad to me because he's got pants on. Naked bb gun to the junk and maybe were talking here. Plus the head fire was a big fat NBD because it had an accelerant to burn through before it got to his head and so he probably just felt a little warm. But Marv got a puncture wound on one foot and glass into both. You don't want plantar foot wounds. He also caught some serious blows to the head. But don't let me judge alone. You decide. In haiku form. Doityouwont.

More reddit all the time

Guys. I'm hooked on a new website and it is called reddit. Infinite lols. If you like Internet memes and would like to see all of them all the time, go to this website

http://www.reddit.com/r/adviceanimals

Usually I would just link that but iPhone doesn't allow that. But seriously. Reddit. Bookmark it. It's the front page of the Interwebs. And it's making me way more of a nerd. And it's making me fail every class. Worth it? Probably not. But will I continue? Most likely. Also by fail every class I do mean get the same grades as before.

WHO ELSE IS EXCITED ABOUT THANKSGIVING? I cant wait to get home. It's even supposed to be nice out in Westwood Massachusetts this weekend. Let me remind you that it is now late November. And the forecast says 63 and sunny. In new England. We got snow on Halloween. And by we I mean they because I live in Missouri now. Let me make an analogy for this weather.

63 and sunny:new England November::survival:getting hit directly by a hydrogen bomb. It doesn't happen. I have something to show ou all from reddit.

I'm sure you've all heard for the most part about those college kids at UC Davis getting pepper sprayed and probably have seen the video by now too. I'm not gonna talk about civil rights or police brutality or even bill oreilly and Megan Kelly talking about how pepper spray is essentially just a dinner spice because I'm sober. But I will show you this beautiful picture that someone photoshopped.


That's really funny every time and if you don't think so you can ggiiiitaaaaauuuttt. I hope that picture gets published in the right place or else this commentary is gonna be way more confusing than it needs to be. I'm trusting you here iPhone. Don't fail me now.

How do you think you would handle being a meme? I'm pretty sure I would handle it like a bowse. I would love to be a meme. Somebody make me into a meme. That would be such a good in for literally any situation. Any time I'm in a big group that thinks ice breakers are a good way to real the ice I would just bust that out. Hey drew tell us something interesting about yourself. Well, for the past 4 years I have been a popular Internet meme that has made me a nerd god. I get stopped on the street by fat gingers with stubby fingers that want me to take pictures with them. By the way, stubby fingers are not a good look. Get those fixed imaginary fat gingers.

Here's your haiku

I read all the memes
Warp into the cartoon world
I'm stuck forever

They call me Bobby's world.

I can't believe I forgot to blog this

Big news people--I finished another roll of toilet paper last week! It was exactly a week ago today. November 11th was the last day that I used the last roll of toilet paper. Time to do some calculations. Here we go.

So i finished my last roll on September 16th, and this most recent one on November 11th. This time I spent. I significant amount of time away from my apartment, so I don't have to make a correction for breaks. Thirty days hath September, so that's 14 days in September, plus the 31 in October, plus 11 in November. 14+31+11=56. My last calculation was 54 days for my last roll, which puts me right on target to needing to buy toilet paper in 55(8)=440 days, which will be in tri 8. I will be treating real life patients by the time I have to buy toilet paper. That feels right. I'll essentially be a doctor before I have to purchase paper poop remover.

I just finished my last exam before thanksgiving, which is major cause for celebration. I learned this week that the smell of pumpkin pie stimulates arousal in male humans. I'm not sure how I'm going to use this information yet, but I'm sure I'll think of something. After all this is the mind that brought you the Doppler counter train whistle. It is pretty freaking smart.

I'm sure by now you've all heard about that 84 year old woman who got pepper sprayed at the occupy some city. I usually don't write about political things because I have way more important things to write about (i.e., dictators, toilet paper rolls, pancakes). But this is something I feel I must comment on. But really I just have a question. Why is the stuff on her face all white? Is pepper spray white or is she just emitting that stuff from her face? I also really wonder what she was doing to get that much pepper spray. Really you can't underestimate grandma strength or mischievousness. I bet she was the most rowdy person around. Think about your own family for a second. Who is the most likely to mouth off to everybody else and just do whatever they want. GRANDMA. Grandma every time. Do I still feel bad for granny pepper face? Of course. Would I bet against her having done something crazy? Not in a million years. That's the whole point of being old. Everybody knows that. By the way I really hope granny pepper face catches on as a nickname. That's a good nickname. Trust me, I know nicknames.

Also I feel like I need to write about Tim tebow. He is by far the funniest athlete around to me and not because of anything he does. I love that everybody feels so strongly about him. I watched the jets broncos game last night with some people who LOVE tebow. Hilarious. The guy can do nothing wrong. Anything he does right is the greatest play ever and any bad play is due to lack of experience or crappy receivers. I can't even tell you how many times I heard "he's just a winner" last night. Also C woosh said "that was a great football play" last night and it made me lol.
Here is my ideal Tim tebow stat line:
2/6 passing for 16 yards, TD
16 rush for 56 yards
17-10 win, Denver wins on the final drive, tebow gets credit for final drive, shutdown defense, and kickoff return for TD that scored the other 7 points in the 3rd quarter. Also I love tebowing. It's just funny to watch him tebow all over the place. Pretty much any fad where people get in inappropriate poses in funny places is funny to me. Leisure diving, planking, tebowing. All pure gold. More tebow please.

Right now I am in class being taught how to take tests. Uh bro. I think I can take a test. Why do you think I got 2 A's in your class? How have I made it through 17 years of school? By learning stuff? Nah. It's called beating the system and I learned how I do that a long time ago. Get on my level Mr.PhD in physiology.

Alright that's all for now. Don't expect a blog till Sunday because I'm gonna be in the woods. November camping for the win. Here's your haiku

Sleeping in the woods
I want to avoid one thing
Poison ivy wipe