I've gone skateboarding for 3 days in a row now. GREAT choice on my part. Today I had the little kindergarten class watching me through the windows, just making the teachers' jobs so much easier. Hey teachers, where's my cut? You're supposed to be occupying these kids' minds here, and I'm doing it for you. How bout a tip or something? A guy's gotta eat. Even though mom and dad pay for all my food, I gotta drink right? I mean I'm only 22 here. I have like 7 more years before it starts to get lame that I still binge drink and skateboard. And then obviously it gets really cool again right after that. Just look at that guy. But really. I'm serious. I deserve a tip or something. 40 minutes of entertainment earns me at least like 2 or 3 bucks per teacher. And that's lowballing myself. My time is valuable. I mean I'm here doing your job when I need to be blogging, watching tv on the internet, and putting off studying till this weekend. I mean I have an exhausting schedule here. At least offer to do my laundry or something.
Today I saw a picture of a bug that is so big that it can eat full sized carrots. I should warn you. That link goes to the bug. and it is a large. I would call it a large bug. And since when do bugs have mouths that big? I really only have one question for you all though. How hard would you stomp that bug? I would stomp it harder than I have ever stomped anything in my life. You remember in American History X when ed norton stomped that dude's face? Or when Albert haynesworth stomped that dude when he played for the titans? I would stomp that bug about 100000000X harder than that. It would make the most satisfying crunch. Like no crunch you've ever heard. You would never be able to get that sound out of your head. I bet it would echo. You'd have to wear boots though. And like those gallagher ponchos to avoid all the juice. You would have to have like a warrior cry too. I would definitely go with the howard dean BYAAA! Oh my someone get me this bug so I can BYAA the crap out of it. I watch the L word on showtime. BYA
But seriously. How big is that bug? Do you think it's even real? I mean it's on the internet so it has to be, but is it real? How does a bug evolve to be that big? Don't exoskeletons get inefficiently heavy at that size? And WHO IS OK WITH HOLDING THAT THING IN THEIR HAND? I get that some people aren't grossed out by spiders and stuff (like Zisk. Nerves of steel that one), but who was like "hold that bug? yeah no problem I've seen bigger." NO YOU HAVENT. I've seen dinosaurs smaller than that. That bug is like the size of the smallest person. If that thing can fly I might just kill myself right now so I never have to see it fly at me. If tha can fly I'm carrying a tennis racket with me all the time now so I can slice and dice that thing in one swoop. Hopefully they're dumb like cicadas and fly really slowly right at you so you can dominate them right out of the air and then BYA them. I mean that thing is a monster. Literally. There is a new genus in the animal kingdom and it is "monstrus" and that bug is the only thing in it.
Saying "monstrus" last paragraph made me really miss the dining hall in college when me and zisk would make the monstrosity on burger night. The best strosity. Double cheeseburger with two layers of fries in it. essentially a big mac with fries in it. That is why I put on weight in college. And then immediately lost it because I hate being fat. In one of my classes we had to write about what cues we have to make us exercise. I wrote something along the lines of "I can feel myself getting fatter and I can feel my skin folding over onto itself and it makes me want to puke so then I go work out and stop eating so much." Not those words exactly but something like that. That has to be my least favorite feeling. My stomach skin folding up on itself and touching other things. I'd rather have that bug crawl all over me and I immediately take that back I don't want that bug near me. Unless it's under my boot. I can see it now. I'm imagining the perfect stomp. Sports psychology here. Knee comes up to my chest, I see the bug look up at me with the carrot in its mouth, then BYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA and its intestines mash out from under my boot and i squish it and the crunch is so satisfying. Get me this bug but really keep it away from me but I wanna squish it so bad. Here's your haiku
giant carrot bug
i would like to squish your head
and see you go dead
Today I saw a picture of a bug that is so big that it can eat full sized carrots. I should warn you. That link goes to the bug. and it is a large. I would call it a large bug. And since when do bugs have mouths that big? I really only have one question for you all though. How hard would you stomp that bug? I would stomp it harder than I have ever stomped anything in my life. You remember in American History X when ed norton stomped that dude's face? Or when Albert haynesworth stomped that dude when he played for the titans? I would stomp that bug about 100000000X harder than that. It would make the most satisfying crunch. Like no crunch you've ever heard. You would never be able to get that sound out of your head. I bet it would echo. You'd have to wear boots though. And like those gallagher ponchos to avoid all the juice. You would have to have like a warrior cry too. I would definitely go with the howard dean BYAAA! Oh my someone get me this bug so I can BYAA the crap out of it. I watch the L word on showtime. BYA
But seriously. How big is that bug? Do you think it's even real? I mean it's on the internet so it has to be, but is it real? How does a bug evolve to be that big? Don't exoskeletons get inefficiently heavy at that size? And WHO IS OK WITH HOLDING THAT THING IN THEIR HAND? I get that some people aren't grossed out by spiders and stuff (like Zisk. Nerves of steel that one), but who was like "hold that bug? yeah no problem I've seen bigger." NO YOU HAVENT. I've seen dinosaurs smaller than that. That bug is like the size of the smallest person. If that thing can fly I might just kill myself right now so I never have to see it fly at me. If tha can fly I'm carrying a tennis racket with me all the time now so I can slice and dice that thing in one swoop. Hopefully they're dumb like cicadas and fly really slowly right at you so you can dominate them right out of the air and then BYA them. I mean that thing is a monster. Literally. There is a new genus in the animal kingdom and it is "monstrus" and that bug is the only thing in it.
Saying "monstrus" last paragraph made me really miss the dining hall in college when me and zisk would make the monstrosity on burger night. The best strosity. Double cheeseburger with two layers of fries in it. essentially a big mac with fries in it. That is why I put on weight in college. And then immediately lost it because I hate being fat. In one of my classes we had to write about what cues we have to make us exercise. I wrote something along the lines of "I can feel myself getting fatter and I can feel my skin folding over onto itself and it makes me want to puke so then I go work out and stop eating so much." Not those words exactly but something like that. That has to be my least favorite feeling. My stomach skin folding up on itself and touching other things. I'd rather have that bug crawl all over me and I immediately take that back I don't want that bug near me. Unless it's under my boot. I can see it now. I'm imagining the perfect stomp. Sports psychology here. Knee comes up to my chest, I see the bug look up at me with the carrot in its mouth, then BYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA and its intestines mash out from under my boot and i squish it and the crunch is so satisfying. Get me this bug but really keep it away from me but I wanna squish it so bad. Here's your haiku
giant carrot bug
i would like to squish your head
and see you go dead
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