sorry matt for not posting a blog but i've been pretending to study for like 5 days now and it's impossible to act like i'm really busy and also blog at the same time. I mean I gotta at least save face here. If I'm gonna fade down the stretch and just rely on my midterm grades to carry me through the semester I'm gonna have to at least keep my trace small so it looks like I've been doing workson. So here goes makeup blog. The power is mine.
So I'm sitting here at C woosh's kithen table right meow. Just waiting for my last final to come visit so I can be done with this exhausting semester. It's not so much that it's been difficult to learn the material as much as it has been super exhausting to have to pretend like I care enough about extra curricular activities to hunt people down and get them to play soccer. Come on guys, you're making me stressed out and thats not cool. I don't do stressed out. I do stressed in. I know that's not a colloquialism but I'm gonna go ahead and let it go. Story time.
So I woke up at like 7 oclock this morning to do some last minute review for my exam this morning and I ended up snoozing till like 9. To avoid being really tired for the rest of the day I took an excedrine migraine aka the greatest thing of all time. It has caffeine in it. I don't do well with caffeine. It has like 1/3 a cup of coffee in it. I made the choice to not eat anything before said pill. And it was GAME ON. My brain flipped out. This is what happens when Drew ingests caffeine. Three minutes passed in the library and I thought it was like a million minutes. Clearly I need to avoid all serious drugs. They will end poorly. And by serious drugs I mean anything that has been deemed as an "upper".
Oh did you hear that Ryan Braun did steroids? Gotta love professional athletes. Clearly they're not all scumbags. Albert Pujols turns down $200 mill to get $230 mill? That makes sense. Just keep telling yourself that you're gonna be worth $250 mill for the next 10 years. You're like 35 years old and coming off a half season long injury. Here's how you know that you're the worst: when you're morbidly obese teammate that literally tells the public that he's gonna go to whoever gives him the biggest contract is not the biggest scumbag out of the 2 all stars on your team. I'm talking about you Ryan Braun. Science doesn't lie bro. You did steroids and now people are gonna hate you just like they hate andy pettite roger clemens. Also this is funny. See next paragraph for commentary, which is why you come here in the first place.
So Jeter gives away skank baskets huh? skankets, if you will. How many of those gift baskets do you think he has at any given time? At least like a dozen right? If I'm Derek Jeter I'm riding this train for as long as possible. I mean my contract is giving me way too much money, I'm statistically the worst defensive shortstop in baseball, and I've been hitting singles into right field for like 13 years. I have an awkward shade of skin and an ambiguous name that nobody can tell the ethnicity I am, and I'm as boring as Bill Belichick without being funny. Come on Jeter. This is your breakout event. Start advertising your skankets and making them interesting like in the oscars. Make people want to get one of your consolation prizes. Give some different stuff every time. Don't be giving out Toblerones and bed bath and beyond gift cards. Make it something wierd. Get collections of weird stuff from goodwill. Like sex and the city seasons on vhs and baby onesies that are ladybug colored. by the way I hate ladybugs. I odn't trust em. If you're gonna be a secret baller, make yourself special. Do some illuminati stuff. Give these girls some severed goat heads or something. Quit slacking Jeter. If this paragraph took me like 10 minutes to write, you can give these girls something to remember. You probably didn't try that hard last night. Make at least some of the night memorable (boom roasted jeter). Killed it
drink the beer all day
take final in the morning
Get A like a bowse
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