blog #100

and oh boy do I have a doozy of a story to tell all of you.  Here are all the details to how I ghost sharted today.

So.  During lunch today I had to be at the soccer booth for club day, so we can get everybody's email and stuff so we can coordinate stuff, and about halfway through the 2 hours I was supposed to be there I realized I had to poop.  Not a big deal, I was potty trained at least like 10 years ago so I can hold it.  So I leave club day as I usually do, with a full free pizza in hand, and I swing by my class to grab my keys so I can put my pizza in my car.  Here is where this story gets good.  NEW PARAGRAPH

So as I'm walking to my car, I decide its time to fart.  So I'm step farting along, happy as can be.  I feel one little fart left over and so I decide to squeeze it out.  In the business, we call that "gambling."  well folks, I gambled, and I was COMPLETELY sure that I lost.  I felt a little liquid squish come out, hell I even heard it a little bit.  So obviously I start loling all by myself, which I'm starting to realize I do way too often.  I can kinda feel the wetness afterward, but I wasn't really sure if it was significant enough to be able to see it, since I was wearing black underwear today and I have a naturally sweaty butt almost all the time.  OK all the time.  So I head on over to the bathroom, half because I wanted to check so I could confirm a few texts that I had sent out, and half because I still really needed to poop.  Take into account that this is right after class had started so I figured nobody would really be in the bathroom.  NEW PARAGRAPH

There are 5 people in the bathroom, including a guy in the stall next to me.  I'll spare you all the details of my poop because for some reason I think that describing my poop is less socially acceptable than describing my shart.  Probably has something to do with rarity, or maybe there's just no social protocols on sharting yet because it's such an unexplored concept. let's just say the Gods of my GI tract have not been pleased with my offerings.  Also, I was wearing glasses today, and I decided that after I washed my hands I wanted to rinse off my face.  So I took my glasses off and rinsed my face off, only to hear someone else walk in and say to me "you were just outside like a second ago."  For those of you who don't know, I am essentially blind without glasses, so I had no idea who was talking.  Instinct takes over and I say back "well, I am very fast."  I put my glasses back on and saw that it is a guy that I am kind of friendly with.  Honestly I don't even remember his name right now.  But here is what I said next.  NEW PARAGRAPH

Just to be clear, I didn't say new paragraph. 

I said "you know, in college they called me fast poop Lowey."
"wait, what?"
"nothing. bye"

And such concludes the story of my shart and subsequent bathroom experience.  Also I would like to add that there was no visible poop in my underwear, so while I am certain that I gambled and lost, there was no concrete evidence of the loss.  No solid evidence whatsoever (see what I did there?).

WOW.  What a 100th blog.  I would like to thank some people for helping me along the way to this 100th post.  First of all, I would like to thank the internet gods, without whom none of this would be possible.  Secondly I would like to thank all 8 of my loyal followers and Zack I guess too, who I assume never reads this even though he is a "follower," because he hasn't said anything about the story I wrote on here about the other time I pooped my pants as an adult.  I would also like to thank my readers that are not official followers, aka Alicia, Anna, and all those people that clicked the link on Tim's facebook.  I would like to make babies with you all, although I realize very few of you could still be attracted to me after reading this post.  And also probably last post.  Ah, whatever, Ill trick somebody into it someday.  Lastly I would like to thank pumpkin beer for accompanying me through the epic that was this story.  Although technically I would need about 900 more pages for it to be considered an epic, I think this is the most I've written since the 11th grade so I'll take it and none of you can do anything about it because this is my blog and none of you know my gmail password.  Also I would like to say to all of you one thing.  You're welcome.

I write hundred posts
couldn't ask for better time
to gamble and lose.

something else funny happened today, but I can't remember because this shart is completely engulfing my train of thought.  Oh you know what I hate? people whining about new facebook formats.  Hey bro, stop acting like you can't figure out new facebook.  "eh, I want old facebook back because it was SO much better."  SHUT UP. SHUT. UP. SHUTUP.  You're just like me and you spend like 5 hours a day on the computer and clearly if you're still posting something on facebook you can figure it out.  you're just playing into zuckerberg's hand.  Dude knows that there's no such thing as bad press.  There's nothing zuckerberg wants more than for there to be a serial killer called the "facebook killer."  Because that's gonna mean like 10 million more users and a billion dollars in advertising, not to mention that he gets to go on TV and shamelessly plug facebook while he half heartedly condemns murder in a really confusing way.  "Just to be clear, facebook does not kill, so I don't approve of the nickname the media is giving this serial killer.  Facebook does nothing but bring together old friends, make it easier to stay connected, and share special moments with loved ones far from home.  Murder is not cool like facebook is.  Murder doesn't have a new user-friendly interface, or an all new revamped groups application, the ability to upload HD video, or the all new 'facebook killer tracker' app, so you can stay updated on where the most recent facebook murder has taken place.  It's OK for me to call him the facebook killer, because I am facebook.  It's ok when I say it, but it's totally not cool for you to say it because then it's offensive.  Wait, what were we talking about again?"

Freaking zuckerberg.  I'm gonna hire that guy to promote my practice.  I'll blow up like the whole world did in the movie 2012, which I coincidentally watched today after monday's rant about the Mayans.

Wow this blog has been a beast.  You're welcome everyone, because you just got a double blog.

They call me the blogosaurus.  DUDE how sick is that dinosaur show gonna be?  I freaking love dinosaurs.  So dope.  This blog took freaking forever.  The call me fast poop lowey