just remembered

Well as i occasionally do I went back and read some of my old blogs to see how awesome I was in previous weeks, and I came across my facebook birthday competition.  Tim won.  Looking back it was an incredibly unfair competition because my boy green thumb had already set the bar so high.  So shout out to the wrinkly raisin for being short and irish like regis philbin.  Your prize will be determined later.

I would like to point out that I just referred to the same person 3 times while using 3 different names.  Nicknames kill it super hard.

tim thinks I'm HP
killing voldemort and stuff
steal magnets off bus

a bit scattered, I admit, even for my haikus but i stand by it.  apologies to those of you not from delaware and who dont know the basic story of harry potter because you will understand none of that haiku.  so sorry anna.  maybe you should spend less time at music festivals being cool and spend more time being lame like the rest of us.  You'll only hate your life when you're alone with your thoughts and your thoughts are trying to reconcile perceived inconsistencies in minor details of the wizard world as described by Ms. Rowling.

vacation is sick

It's noon and I've done nothing today.  what an awesome feeling.  I'm like the dude from office space when I'm on break.  It's like pet rock mode but more deliberate.  Wake up, eat some cereal, sit on internet.  Just living the dream.  And I get to use a chainsaw today.  It's gonna be a good day.

I have something to discuss for real now.  This is important, so listen up.  Really, put your computer on blind guy mode and have it speak this blog to you so you can hear it as you read because then it will stick better.  Here we go.

I hate the wave so much.  It is literally the worst thing that has ever happened to live sports. You know what it means when people start doing the wave?  It means the game sucks.  Every time the wave starts the entire league that the game is in should be embarrassed.  Fix your product MLB.  There's a 12 second pitch count for a reason, and that is that baseball sucks when it takes 4.5 hours to play a game.  Ok that's off topic. back to the wave.

People, you paid like $50+ a ticket to go to a baseball game, and you get excited to stand up and put your hands up every 15 seconds or so?  The worst wave people aren't the ones that start it or the ones that are psyched on it.  No no my friends.  It's the people that won't even stand up but still put their hands up.  I'm all for laziness people, but pick a side.  Are you waving or not?  We're in 2.5 wars, our economy sucks, people are dying of starvation and genocide and malaria and stuff and you can't even stand up?  You're the worst person.  Ok maybe not the worst, but maybe like the second worst.

There was something else I was gonna talk about semi related to the wave but I can't remember now.  Stupid wave. I hate it so much, and I don't even really hate that many things anymore.  I'm getting nicer I think.  Just not to the stupid wave.

Ok one other thing.  For the first time, I actually feel old.  Something clicked in my head when I turned 22.  Way back when I was 21 it felt like the whole world was ahead of me and I was so young, so full of hopes and dreams.  Now I'm a 20-something and I suck.  I'm having a 1/5 life crisis.  I live in missouri.  that sucks.  I wanna go do something cool.  People do cool stuff like do the appalachian trail and like live in europe and stuff and I live in suburban missouri and I memorize which bacteria gives you the worst diarrhea. Weak.  Somebody go do something cool with me.  You know, next april when I have time.  I hate myself.

Ok now that I have thoroughly depressed all of you, here is a happy haiku

sunshine and rainbows
butterflies and nature stuff
sun with sunglasses

Ok it's time to go for a run now because I'm fat and my old man metabolism can't keep up with the amount of food that I want to eat.  Stupid 22.  You're the worst.

OH! NECK TATTOOS!  That's what I was gonna write about.  Ok, who are all these people getting neck tattoos?  Do you just wake up one day and decide to get one?  I get that tattoos are cool these days, but I don't see how people think tattoos above their clavicles is a good idea.  Do you think there are people out there who don't have any other tattoos except on their neck?  Like some accountant or social studies teacher or something with just a picture (can you call it that?) of a dragon or his neck?  Dude just loves neck dragons.  By the way, how much does mark texiera look like a social studies teacher who really needs to poop?  Worst smile in baseball right there.  I bet all of his teammates secretly hate him.  He's got dragon nostrils.  This is my best impression of Mark Teixiera

They call me dragon nostrils

quick synopsis of last week and some other stuff ya know?

Ok so a lot of stuff has happened in the past week, so I figure the best way to tell you all about it is not through this blog.  I will, however, write one long sentence that does not make any sense grammatically and gives an overview of my most recent vacation.  I might be a little rusty, so bear with me if this doesn't live up to some of my other long rambling sentences.

skateboard friday with most of neon fly to seattle hear gay guys talk about tom's weiner get on absurdly big boat sweat while laying down take a nap eat way too much food sleep in dark room with no windows aaron got seasick eat way too much food helicopter onto glacier almost fall into giant hole but not really eat eat eat watch a seal catch a fish hide a gnome in a tree see some whales sea lions are fat catch some salmon with paul's doppelganger bail on the cruise fly to seattle read a book get kicked in the nuts by irene fly to detriot fly to pittsburg drive 14 hours through the hurricane get home lose electricity run over downed power lines buy new skateboard eat $1 burger electricity is back on.

i think that sums it up about as well as I am capable.

Well first of all I would like to give a shoutout to my girl Irene.  If you're gonna be a hurricane might as well take some stuff out right?  I gave you all that little blurb underneath the picture because I assume a lot of you don't know who hurricane carter is.  Bob Dylan wrote a song about him.  Guess what it's called.  Hurricane.  I told you so you didn't have to guess.

Well I've missed you all terribly.  I assume you've missed me and you've aged the past week at the rate that presidents age because of how stressed you've been without my blog.  Especially you, Brit.  St. Martin sounds like a tough place to be.  Giant lizard poops and stuff.  I don't know how you made it out alive.

Ok that joke actually does need to be explained because it was one of the funniest things I've seen in a while.  I'm gonna go ahead and just copy and paste the email because I literally can't make it any funnier:

"Today a lizard the size of an iguana pooped next to the pool.  It was the size of his whole body.  Imagine if that was the size of your body:poop ratio."

CAN YOU IMAGINE!  haha that song just came to mind because it would be funny if it was about a poop.  Google the lyrics and just assume that when he says Jesus he has named his poop Jesus because that makes it way funnier.  You know what? Here are the lyrics.  Just read them if you don't want to listen to the song, but make sure you read it with the intent of someone singing it to their massive person sized poop.  I really haven't missed a beat at all.  This might be my best poop content e-ver.

You know what I need to get more into?  Conspiracy theories and old books.  I need like a hundred leather bound books with historical significance.  Having important books makes you timelessly cool in a nerdy kind of way.  That's the kind of cool I want to be.  Strange cool so that you can just continue being kinda strange for decades but not lose any coolness.  it seems that this transformation is going to cost me a lot of money, so I'll put it on the backburner for now, and eventually forget about it and then I won't feel so bad about not fulfilling my dream of being weird cool forever because I won't remember but then one of you idiots will show me this blog when I'm like 35 and I'll have a 1/3rd life crisis because, let's face it, I'm gonna live and be awesome till like 115, and then I'll have to divorce my wife and stop talking to my kids and grow a soul patch and it'll be all your fault.  I preemptively hate you.

Alright well I gotta go get ready for some serious skateboarding now.  Gotta go shred the gnar with pumpkin.   I love nicknames.  Andy gives the best nicknames.  He calls one of my friends Double-mini-mee-maw.  (double pronounced DUB-lay)  When he calls me on the phone he asks if he is talking to "Dr. weematanye of the weematanye institute."  Kid's unreal.  Some day I'm gonna commit a whole blog to andy stories, and it will be the funniest blog I've ever written.  But I digress.

Here's your first haiku in almost 2 weeks:

Want to fly a kite
like my boy the kite runner
with less poverty

The call me culturally insensitive

hello blogger my old friend

ITS ME SNITCHES

i'm back and you'll be getting a full blog tomorrow morning in all likelihood.  I know you're all super excited and, I gotta admit.  So am I.  I've missed having my random thought outlet to the entire world.  We've branched out to some new countries, I've got some good stories to tell, and as usual, you'll all be tuning in to hear all the important things that I have to say.

Probably none of you will read this before I write my full real blog tomorrow but we got electricity back so I felt like I had to post.  Stupid Irene.

They call me the alaskan pipeline

I fare thee well

Well everyone, this will be my last post for about a week.  I know that you are all upset because I can see the tears on your faces through the internet portal that all bloggers have access to once they reach 8 followers.  Good luck reaching that huge accomplishment.  It takes minutes of effort every 30 hours or so to achieve this sort of following.

But back to the point.  I will be killing it super hard this week on this gigantic boat.  I am gonna eat so much food.  EVERYTHING IS A BUFFET.  Be surprised if I don't come back 10 pounds heavier.  Also I'm planning on meeting my next girlfriend on this cruise that I will eventually go on a trip to europe with.  More importantly,  I will have little to no access to the information superhighway aka interweb aka internet or my cellular telephone, so don't bother trying to get in contact with me.  Your efforts will be futile, unless you have seen taken enough times to learn how to find people.  Good luck.

On a final note, I would like to tell you all that I went on a night skate mission with an actual crew tonight and it was a dream come true.  None of you will understand the extent of how much I enjoyed myself tonight.  The past 3 days have been unreal.  How unreal you ask?  They've been so awesome that I have nothing funny to say because I can't complain about anything and nothing lame has happened.  There are a bunch of funny stories, but none that I would like to commit to the vast memory of the internet.

I have to go to sleep now.  I hope all of your weeks are as excellent as mine will be, but really I'm just patronizing you because my life will be better than all of yours for the next 8 days.

I will leave you with one haiku:

being me is cool
doing cool stuff all the time
they call me smooth cat

I am officially on vacation..................NOW

before I go home

Hello everyone.  I would like to give a quick shoutout to my newest follower and friend of the blog, Wes.  Welcome to the remodeling family Wesley.  I look forward to talking to you about how awesome my blog is.

Well I get to go home today. Leaving in about a half hour.  I regret to have to inform you all that while I am on the cruise I will be on from Saturday till next Sunday, I will not have any internet access.  So you'll all have to wait until the 29th or so until I get to blog again.  I know you'll all probably forget that this site exists by then, but in the hopes that you don't I figured I'd give you all a heads up.

So before I go, I would like to wish all my friends in PT school good luck on their finals and all that jawn.  Especially Alicia who apparently just discovered this site.  I hope you continue to read, because I'm desperate for attention so I'll give a shout out to anyone who reads this in an attempt to keep him or her as a reader.  I've always loved you Alicia and I hope to marry you some day.  We would make beautiful children. 

Ok I really have to go because I have laundry to get out of the dryer.  I dont have any underwear right now because half of it is packed and the rest is being dried. 

I'll probably blog again tomorrow, but if I don't get the chance then I'll talk to you all in about 10 days.  Here's a little something to make you jealous of how awesome my life is

I love my life

Real fast, I don't get serious too often on this thing but I gotta get serious for a second.

HUGE HUGE HUGE shout out to Alex and Anna for killing it super hard for my birthday.  I have literally never had a birthday quite like today, and I thank you both very much.  Here's how hard they killed it:  I had 2 finals today and studied for like 3.5 hours by 1 oclock central time and I'm still psyched on the day.  And I know there is more awesome to come.  I'm tearing up a little bit just thinking about it.

So from the depths of my limbic system, I would like to thank you both.  I'm touched.

THEY CALL ME THE BIRTHDAY BOY

Just had a good idea

After seeing Tim's post on my facebook for my birthday, I have decided to announce a competition.  He or she who posts the best thing on my wall that is even slightly related to my day of birth wins.  I will come up with a prize later.  So far time is winning.  I will extend this competition through august 24th because I know a bunch of you don't read this every day because you have "things to do" and "a life outside of sitting on the computer all day."  So if I get a birthday post on like august 22nd I will assume you have read this and count you into the competition.

Best will be determined subjectively by me at a time of my choosing.  No criteria will be announced, but "best" will be completely decided by me.  The name is this competition is called "BEST."  good luck to you all.

write on my facebook
make it really freaking good
you will win a prize

no real punch line there.  Just an explanatory haiku for those of you who just read the haiku.  Even though if you only read the haiku then you're probably not reading this.  Will you just read the rest of the blog for goodness sake?  (I typed "for god's sake" and then realized that it sounded like I thought you were doing god a favor by reading this blog.  Actually I like for God's sake better.  but maybe more like this:  Will you just read the rest of the blog for G-d's sake?  Ya. thats better)  You're already on the site.  Clearly you care a little bit or can't figure out how to change your home page because I struck a deal with safari and all their new users get this as their homepage.  Ok, obviously that's a lie but just read the freaking blog.  It's kinda funny sometimes, and the rest of the time you just get to read poorly written sentences that are vaguely skateboarding related or are about inside jokes that you probably don't get.  Taco pizza.  The method of your payment will be dearly.  I'm gonna come and eat your cornbread too.  I am so freakin done.  Frog arms.  That last one wasn't even an inside joke.  I just made that up completely, but you probably thought it was a real thing.  Maybe someday someone will read this and laugh at frog arms because they have a joke with someone about frog arms.  who knows? not me.  See Anna? This is what I do with my time.  lay in my bed and write nonsense into the internet.  I lead a fulfilling life.  I hate myself.

They call me that guy in the wolf shirt.

PHILLIPINES

This is how they speak english in the phillipines:

"what the appeearance that we have in carrot"

 

I don't really know how that got them to this site, but more power to em.  All hail the internet for vague connections across the world.  I didn't even know they had computers in the phillipines.  you learn something new every day.  isn't that where manny pacquiao is from? I'm gonna go ahead and assume that manny pacquiao is reading my blog regularly.  That being said, will you fight floyd maryweather already?  just do the freaking drug tests.  You won't miss that tiny amount of blood.  Everybody wants to see it.  I get it, you're a senator now but just fight the guy.  He's scared of you.  I don't know anything about boxing but just fight em.  for posterity.

3 more finals to go.  24 hours from now I'll just have one garbage final left and then i get to go home. for the win.  

Just figured I'd let you know that manny pacquiao is reading my blog, we we're about to blow up big time.  And by you i mean me.  So get ready to get mad when I sell out and then you can complain to each other about how much cooler I was before I got famous and you can brag to your friends about how you knew me back when I was nobody.  I know none of that is gonna happen except the me getting super famous and rich part but it happens in all the movies so I assumed that's how it works in real life.

3 more finals left

manny pacquiao loves me

just like jesus does

I bet you didn't see that last line coming.  They call me the 14th apostle.  You know, because in Dogma Chris Rock was Rufus the 13th apostle.  They left out the only 2 black apostles.  Racism.

quick bog before the day's final exams

I GOT MY KEYS BACK.  Some guy with awkwardly long hair who cuts his t-shirts into v-neck sleeveless shirts took them by accident last week.  But now that fiasco is all over.  So that's kinda nice.

Last night my roommate's car alarm went off at about 1:30am.  For whatever reason I thought that I had some secret alarm that kept going off every 10 seconds or so when it woke me up, and I went on an absolutely rampage trying to find it.  I threw everything off my bed, pulled my bed off the wall, crawled around on the ground and looked for this alarm that I most certainly do not own.  Finally I checked out the window and saw his car flashing me.  He was super confused when I woke him up.  The first word he said was "WOAH."  Kinda made me giggle.  Stupid malfunctioning volvo electrical systems.

By the way, rampage was a super fun game.  The whole game's purpose is to run through the city as these monsters that vaguely resemble characters from other games (donkey kong, the 2 monsters from Ninja Turtles 2, etc.) and destroy everything.  You step on people, punch helicopters, climb buildings and jump on the top of them and somehow that smushes them to the ground, and all sorts of fun stuff.  Fun for the whole family.  And by the whole family I mean me and my brother when we were like 10 or so.  Still, super fun.

Lastly, it's only 1 day until my birthday.  I better be getting something awesome from you guys.  I don't have any suggestions but you can probably just read some of my old posts and find some stuff that I think is awesome.  So I'll probably be getting either a box full of blue jello packets and a shirt from www.animalshirts.net  or I'll be getting nothing at all because you all hate me and just read this so you can make fun of me behind my back.  I'm pretty sure that's the 21st century definition of friend anyway.  I'm basing that solely on the movie "Mean Girls" because I think that it's a fantastic portrayal of the plight of the pretty popular girl.

I'm wearing Spice Girls shirt today to take my finals.  It should be a good day.  From now on they will probably call me Scary Spice, because I'm black.  People are racist out here.

Continued world domination

Latest on the list of countries that now use my blog as their main means of entertainment--Latvia.  I did a report on something that had to do with Latvia in high school.  I don't really remember what it was about, but I think it was with my girl Michelle and I think we got a B+.  They call me the Positive B.  But anyway, welcome Latvia.  I knew some eastern european country would be all over this blog soon enough.  Sometimes you can just feel it, ya know?

So I get to go home in 4 short days.  And by 4 short days I mean 7 tests from now and probably about 30 hours of studying.  Honestly it'll probably be closer to 15-20 but it makes me sound better if i say 30.  I like to pretend like my life is way harder than it actually is so that people give me sympathy that I don't really deserve.  My whole life is a lie.  Don't believe anything I say.  Except these past 2 or 3 sentences.

Tomorrow is my last day reffing the adult league I've been doing for the past 5 weeks or so.  I'm hoping something ridiculous happens.  It's been so up and down for the past few weeks that it would be a huge letdown if nothing crazy happens.  I want to see somebody get kicked in the head or something.  At the very least I would like to get my keys back.  Come on mystery person who took my keys and doesnt check his/her email.  the internet is everywhere.  You're probably getting cancer from it as we speak, so you might as well use it to check your email and find out that those keys you took are from your coed recreational soccer league that you probably take too seriously.

I decided on my first son's name.  Guy Benjamin Lowey.  I know it has no flow at all but the name Guy is so sick and if my kid somehow manages to not like that name, he will be called Jam, which is the best nickname for BenJAMin there ever was.  Be honest, you're impressed with the awesomeness of that nickname.  How much would you love to be called Jam?  Your whole life would be way better and everyone would assume you kill it super hard.  Kind of a lot to live up to but you would have infinity confidence because of your awesome name and everybody knows that confidence=success.  I know that's not actually true but I said it so confidently that you probably believed it for at least 2 seconds, which is all the time I need to take advantage of you and then leave you out to dry while I move onto the next person to trick.  To the victor goes the spoils.

I learned from Deadliest Warrior (the best show ever) that THIS is actually how Vlad impaled people, but that last link came up faster and now it's too late to change it.  Really I just want 2 impalement pictures in this blog.  It just feels right.  Sometimes you gotta impale people.  Vlad knows what I'm talking about.

So just a heads up, I'm not sure how much I'm gonna be able to get onto the blogosphere while I'm away from school, mostly because somehow I'm pretty sure I'm gonna manage to be busier during vacation than I am during my 30+ credit hour class schedule.  School is for nerds anyway.  Speaking of school, I have lived in Missouri for a year.  The city of St. Louis smells like everybody farted all at once.  Trust me, I know about farts.  I lived on beer and meat in college.  If you were to write a recipe for farts, it would be beer and steak, starting as early as you can in the day.  Also make sure the beer is out of a can to allow for maximal gas swallowing, and don't chew your food very well.  I think I should probably patent this recipe so nobody can steal it.  I'll be dominating the fart market.  The farket, if you will.  I have a feeling most of you will.

So the point of that paragraph was that maybe you should start blog rationing if you feel so inclined.  I know most of you do that anyway, but for my daily readers (Tim and Brittany)  I would recommend taking a day off or two for the next week so that you can still have a blog every other day.  My writing is like meth.  You can't just stop cold turkey.  Trust me, I've tried.  Not the meth, and also not the blog stopping, but I have tried doing things and then not doing them.  It can get ugly.

Well, here is your haiku and then I have to pee and go to bed because I have 2 finals tomorrow.

What's up Latvia?
I wish the farket was real
I would make millions.

Just so everyone knows, I had to dictionary.com millions to make sure it wasn't 3 syllables.  This haiku business can be tricky.  And just so everybody knows again, I didn't actually have to do that but I pretended like I did so that you would think I have flaws, which clearly I do not.

They call me the stock farket wind broker.  (that's 2 fart jokes in 4 words.  you're welcome everyone)

I remembered

BOOM I remembered what I wanted to write about.  It's 2 things.  Here goes.

1) I hate when people walk with their arms out really wide.  Hey buddy, we get it.  You like lifting and you're the biggest baddest guy out there.  Put down those imaginary suitcases and swing your arms like a normal person.  The same goes for people whose hands are always facing backwards.  Next time you walk behind a really fat person or someone carrying invisible suitcases, look at their hands.  Guaranteed they'll be facing straight back at you.  I don't know why that bothers me but it does.  It doesn't make any sense.

2) People who don't wash their hands in public bathrooms.  Come on.  You can't be in that big of a hurry.  People like you caused the spanish flu and black death.  We can all smell your poop and now you're gonna do the 2 second water rinse?  I can still see the poop on your hands, and now I have to open the same door as you, and I hate being that weird dude who opens the door with his elbow or still holding a paper towel.  People look at you like you're the freak for not wanting other people's poo on your hands.  Sorry that I like to not eat poop guys.  Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's not there.  I've taken microbiology, and I know all about the oral-fecal route of disease.  I'm not trying to get diarrhea because you think bacteria don't exist.  There should be a law that you have to wash your hands in a public bathroom.  If you don't want to wash your hands in your own house that's your business, but I need some government intervention here.  Step up Obama.  I know you really have no control over any laws or anything and the job of a president is essentially to be a scapegoat for everything that goes wrong, but I'm gonna go ahead and put this one on you.  I don't care about unemployment or health care or any of that.  Just get people to wash their freaking hands after they poop.  Alright I think that's enough on this topic.

I have to get back to studying now but I felt as though you all knowing my opinion on these 2 topics was vital to all of your lives.  And as the saying goes, "Everything I say is important."

wash hands after poop
keep diarrhea to self
courtesy flush please?


I found this online.  I don't know who he is but he's got a mean shank.

Good day.

well guys, we got another fantastic google search to find my blog.  This is one of my favorites, because this person seems like they're really concerned about what they're searching for.  I'll give this one a separate paragraph too because it's pretty awesome.

"need to poop all morning.  can't poop"

How worried about your constipation do you have to be to google that?  Also who doesn't know the word "constipated"?  I don't know why this poop-filled person from the UK googled that, but I would like to thank him or her for making my day a little bit better. 

I had one more thing I wanted to add to my list last night, but now I can't remember what it was.  I really need to start writing these things down.  Is that taking this too far?  If I think of topics ahead of time?  I can't even tell anymore.  I'm in too deep. 

My phone is doing weird stuff, kinda like how Alex was sleeping at the bar the other week (joke for 2 people).  Every time I lock the screen, it brings up the screen with all my previous calls and then it locks.  The call button unlocks the phone and also locks it sometimes.  I think it's time I got a new phone. Even though I've only had this particular one since May....woops.  Note to self; don't break your next phone, because the replacement ones are super crappy and you end up buying like 4 more of them.

Today I got a serious urge for a night skate mission.  I used to go out on those things all the time.  One time I saw a cross-dresser peeing in a closed car wash on a night mission.  One time I tore my ACL on a night mission.  I think I've only been on one since then.  It's like playing sports under the lights, but with the added excitement that you might get arrested.  Everything is more exciting when you might get arrested.  I read something that some dude wrote about going to the skatepark at like 30 years old and how weird it was being the old dude at the park.  I can't wait to get to the park with all my clinic gear and sphygmometer and stuff with me in like a year and a half.  They will call me Dr. Nollie Flip.

I just took like an hour and a half break from this and I completely forget what my train of thought is.  I guess I'll just write a haiku.  I didn't study today.  I think that was a bad choice.  Oh well.  It's just grad school right?

zone out on the couch
feels like i just took a nap
i need to stand up


this song kills it.

a few thoughts before sleep

1)  If it turns out that I'm having twins whenever it is I start having kids, I want my wife/baby momma/whatever my relationship is to the person having my kids to have a C-section at like 11:57pm so that my twins have separate birthdays.  If there are triplets, I want to go 2 together and 1 separate.  Or if possible, just delay the last kid for a day so I can have triplets all born on separate days.  make it happen science.  I know you can do it.

2)  I'm tired of being lied to.  Not in like a whiny teenager way, like in a I would like my professors to not tell me contradicting information and I would like the golf course I'm playing to have accurate yardage markers.  Is that so much to ask?  Don't tell me it's 150 yards if its 135.  Thats gonna mess up my hole and then I'm gonna get so far into my own head that my whole round will be ruined.  Oh yeah and also my education, blah blah blah i need to be knowledgeable to be a competent doctor, yadda yadda yadda.  But seriously.  Get the yardage markers under control.  It takes like 10 minutes a whole.  If you can keep grass suspiciously short exactly where you want it, you can walk the giant measuring rope out 150 yards.  They could sail across the Atlantic ocean by looking at stars like 700 years ago.  You can measure about the distance that people can run in 16 seconds accurately.

3)  I think I'm going to pick my outpatient clinic at school based on proximity to a skatepark.  Not 100% on that yet, but I'm pretty sure.  Priorities: in line.  Speaking of skateboarding I figured out a temporary fix to my wheel loss situation.  I'm freakin McGruber over here, fixing stripped nuts with only an axle re-threader and a different nut.  Talk about innovation.  I hope somebody understood what I was talking about there because I think that was actually pretty funny.  I put myself out there every day people.  Show some freakin gratitude. 

Alright it's sleep time now, just wanted to make sure I got that twins idea off my chest and into the vastness of the internet. 

skateboard Macgyver
my twins have separate birthdays
reiteration

These haikus are like the sportscenter of my blogs.  If you ever want to see if you're interested in what I have to say that day (I know it's a silly notion that you wouldn't but just for the sake of the point bear with me) just read my haiku and it will give you the gist of it all in just 17 syllables.  Gist.  I like that word.

Birthday countdown-5 days? 6 days? something like that.

They call me young Joc

I have decided that it is time to try some new formats for this site.  I'm gonna need feedback for what is the best way to go about this.  For now, my title actually makes sense.  We will be remodeling.  Try #1: my boy Vijay K will be manning the left margin and we're gonna go for a little whiter, less gray look.  Anyone who has been following this from the beginning knows that gray is the best color there is so it does upset me a little bit to be not so gray, but it is time to shake things up.  So back to the point.  I'm gonna be trying a bunch of these in the next few days (i think) and then we'll settle on one that everyone enjoys.  And by everyone I mean me (as usual) because everyone knows that mine is the only opinion that matters.  This is a dictatorship.

In other news, today I only have one class to go to and it's at noon, so I got to sleep in today.  I woke up at 6:38.  That's roughly the time I get out of bed in the morning every day.  Stupid pineal gland waking me up when it gets light out.  Couldn't you malfunction just this one time?  I don't think my body likes getting more than 6-7 hours of sleep.  Instantly puts me into pet rock mode for the rest of the day. 

"But Drew!"  you're all saying.  "Haven't you been awake for an hour and a half and you're just sitting on the computer writing nonsense?  Isn't that essentially pet rock mode?"  NAY I say.  This is community service.  I really should have used this blog as my community service hours for Pro D.  They call me the servicer?  I'm really hoping I don't get red flagged by the government for googling "I'm here to service these young boys."  If I disappear and nobody hears from me just assume I was taken and liam neeson is chopping throats and mysteriously avoiding arrest in France trying to find me.  Hey Liam!  I'm not in France bro.  Check Chris Hansen's house in the basement with all the other pervs.  Did I say other pervs?  I meant with all the pervs.  If only there was a way to change what I just wrote on the internet.  Oh well.  It's out there now.

For all of you young aspiring blog writers out there, let that paragraph be a lesson to you.  I'm gonna make a flow chart of that.

imaginary 3rd person talking to self--->community service--->Role Models--->throat chopping--->shout out to Liam Neeson--->Chris Hansen--->self deprecating pervert joke.

How do I do it?  It's a gift.  From myself.  to myself.  Also I go through phases of capitalizing words.  Sometimes it seems worth it and sometimes it doesnt.  Same goes with apostrophes.  Apologies to anyone with OCD who reads this (aka nobody because I don't know anyone with OCD).

Welp, I think that's about all I have to say for this morning.









EXCEPT FOR MY HAIKU

switch up the background
vijay watches over us
and so does the LAW

That picture will be funny until the day I die.  Someday I'll get a pillow made with that picture on it.  I apologize to everyone in Missouri reading this.  I really need you guys to steal my silver memory goo out of my ear and watch my college memories in the pensieve.

They call me Harry Blogger

this might be a bad choice

well it is night time and I am here writing a web log.  I think they might start calling me nightblogger.  He was one of my favorite xmen growing up.  Along with gambit and wolverine.  I love X Men.  that new movie that just came out killed it so hard.  Loved every second of it.  I wished it would never end.  If only magneto and charles could have reconciled their differences, maybe our lives would be much different now.  It's real life ok?  I get it, I'm a nerd and I have no friends.

Speaking of not having any friends, here's a skateboarding related paragraph.  Today I went to go skate at the high school parking lot that I frequent and right after I got warmed up on the nicest day of the summer so far (78 and mostly sunny)  guess what happens?  You won't be able to guess unless you're alex or anna and I have told you this already, because my wheel fell off.  Stupid trucks, only taking 4 years of getting beat down before you have a minor yet devastating problem.  WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?  that's right. black jesus. tupac rest in peace.

So that kinda bummed me out.  It was gonna be such a good sesh too.  I was just feelin it, ya know?  cruising around, throwin 360 flips around, doin little backside blunt powerslides.  Oh you don't know? because everyone who reads this is an adult and doesn't skate?  Oooooooooooh ok.  i'll move on then

I had the biggest food baby today.  I ate like a pound and a half of watermelon and a bunch of tortilla chips.  My body had no idea what to do.  SO MUCH WATER! NOW SO MUCH SALT! WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THIS ISOTONIC EXTRACELLULAR FLUID?  come on bro, send it to the kidneys.  They always know what to do.  I might not be able to tell you exactly what they do because that stuff is stupid, but I bet I had plenty of ANP secretion.  that's right body.  pee out that excess fluid and salt.  maintain that homeostatic balance and make sure i have a reasonable amount of water in my plasma so  can maintain a normal blood pressure.  Remember kids; it's not magic, it's science.

Shout out to Erglegrew, I hope you made it into the woods that one day when we left you in the elevator of christiana west tower.  I like to think that you found a wheel somewhere out there that you could sit under while the other mice ran on it.  You really were a crappy mouse.

Here are my top 3 favorite nicknames for girls at Pencader circa 2008:

3. Stephanie
2. Garfield
1. Slagathor

Slagathor is just pure genius.  Shout out to Dr. Kelso.  Ha.  That clip will always be funny.

Tomorrow is my last class of the semester.  Then only 9 exams and I finally get to go home.  It's been a very strange semester and I'm really not sure what to think of it.  Right now I'm doing a slow motion montage in my head of highlights of the semester.  Back hoe.  My boy Jason.  upper thigh tan.  naps.  blog.  burritos.  360 flips.  This song in the background.  I'm feeling sentimental tonight guys.  Just go with it. 

I just remembered home when I roam.  Somebody get me the mp3 of that song asap.  I need it really badly.  "The moon was full as we HEADED south.  casting SHAdows on the highWAY."  Oh my god that song is good.  Right now the city is asleep and I just feel so alive.  This post has a lot of jokes that don't cross my whole friend repertoire.  Guys, I'm gonna need you all to meet up and exchange all the stories you can think of so that I can just talk about everything I think is funny all the time.  I'm tired of asking people if I've told them that story.  I do it like 10 times a day.  Let me just get this one out of the way for those of you who don't know it.  This is the sportscenter version, so it's gonna be brief.  Also it is about briefs. 

One time I pooped my pants a little bit during a crew race and then I gave the underwear to my friend's mom because we slept at their house that night and she washed them and gave them back to me. 

I'm not sure if this friend of mine even knows the story but I think he can probably figure out who he is if he reads this. Somehow every time I've told a new friend of mine that story they have still been my friend afterward.  I think that means that I'm doing a good job picking friends. 

I bet that story somehow gets me a blog view from croatia or something like that.

well here is your haiku.  I think this blog went pretty well.

skateboard is broken
one time i pooped in my pants
sorry to big fein

There is a 100% chance writing that story online comes back to haunt me one day.  yay internet!

GOOD MORNING INTERNET

so apparently I'm only good at waking up when I don't get enough sleep.  Normally I try to be asleep by like 11 or so but the past few nights I've gone to bed at like one and I just snap into awakedness.  Also awakedness is not a word according to blogger.com's red squiggly line.  Here is the key to waking up I think--i'll wait for you to get something to write this jewel down.  got it? ok good--make your alarm freakishly loud.  Like ear drum rupturing loud.  That way your brain freaks out and you're catapulted into consciousness.  I don't know about you but I like to wake up scared.  If I was to make an analogy for how loud your alarm should be it would be as follows:

alarm:loudness::cologne:sex panther

You should feel the sting.  WAKE UP! WAKE UP NOW! I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG BECAUSE THERE IS A REALLY LOUD NOISE AND I DONT KNOW WHAT IT IS PLEASE MAKE IT STOP OH GOD OH GOD PLEASE MAKE IT STOP I DON'T WANT TO DIE I HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR oh it's just your "maggie's farm" ringtone on your phone?  alright that's cool just hit snooze and good luck getting back to sleep.

now THAT'S how you wake up.

Since I didn't get to blog yesterday I would like to cover "did Drew sweat sitting down today?" but retroactively.
Yesterday I did sweat while sitting down.

Ok my time is somewhat limited this morning because I have to go to this thing called "class."  I don't know if you've heard of it.  Apparently you just sit there and listen to people talk for an extended period of time.  It's amazing how relevant anchorman is to real life.  So what I'm getting at is here's your haiku.

woke up this morning
sympathetic nerves firing
also need to poop

One more thing.  Actually nope.  I really need to poop.  Well, see ya later.

They call me the worm getter.

late night snack

I know it's late but I felt like I should give you guys a little something-something.  By the way, that phrase looks way worse written than it does sounded out.  There's no letter combo to describe that throat catch that you do when you say that. "suhtm suhtm"?  "suh-mm suh-mm"? but i digress.

So i reffed soccer again tonight.  same people. same teams. way different.  It seems as though when you tell people that they will get thrown out if they behave like children, they realize that they're adults now.  Even douchey kid who told me that my effort was "poor" came up to me after the game and apologized and said himself that he was just being a baby.  All seemed right with the world.  And then my keys got stolen.

Stolen is a harsh word.  My keys were on the table at 8:00 and then they were not on the table nor were they anywhere near the table at 9:00.  The way I see it, here are the things that could have happened to them in descending order of likelihood:

1)  Someone mistook them for their own keys and took them
2)  Someone deliberately stole my keys to spite me
3)  A wild animal came to the table while people were sitting at it and took my keys
4)  A young wizard who had not attended Hogwarts yet made them disappear by accident because said wizard cannot control his magic yet
5)  God made my keys disappear
6)  The table ate my keys

I think that's a pretty solid list.  I know i should really put my money on #1 because it seems like such a sure thing, but I like the odds on #4.  Not quite an impossibility like #6, but a small bet would get me a pretty good return.  If I'm feeling bold, I would take #4.  And you know what they say.  Fortune favors the bold.

And to think all this time I thought that was a dos equis slogan.  I'm a huge idiot.

Here's your haiku before I go to bed.  I got tests tomorrow people.  Can't be doin this stuff all night

eat roast beef in bed
i dropped some on the carpet
eat it anyway

I'm not gonna let em catch me no.  Not gonna let em catch the midnight blogger.  

expansion

we got a new country that I have invaded everyone.  The great nation of Norway is the latest country that has taken a liking to this fantastic website.  Shout out to Norway.  I don't know anything about Norway except that my boy Daniel is from there.  Something tells me that Daniel didn't google "pants whit hol on the knee" because Daniel can speak english.  I think it's really cold there.  It's national animal is the elk.  Next topic.

So I'm supposed to write a paper on this bacteria that I was supposed to narrow down in microbiology.  I don't remember how to write a paper.  I suck at writing, as you can tell.  This little blog experiment isn't helping either.  If any of my old english teachers read this blog I think they would retroactively fail me and revoke my high school diploma, which I assume would nullify my college degree.  But I would probably still be in chiropractic school because, let's be honest, we're fake doctors anyway.  Sorry Mr. Hart, Ms. Brackman, Ms. Kelsch, and whoever else has been my english teacher at some point in my educational career.  I hope you guys never find this.

I would like to bring back another segment due to popular demand.  And by popular demand I mean one person told me that they thought it was funny (thanks Brit).  This segment is called "did Drew sweat while sitting down today?"
Yes. I did sweat while sitting down today.

I played soccer today with a guy I met at rugby practice.  He showed me pictures of himself hand feeding a raccoon.  HOW COOL IS THAT.  The thing was literally sitting in his lap eating chicken out of his hand.  Personally I assume every raccoon has rabies so there's no way I would have done that.  Not trying to get that rhabdovirus all up in my system.  Still feeding wild animals  is cool.  I think. 

Time for a haiku.

raccoons eat chicken
i lack basic grammar skills
this blog's a failure

Well finals start this friday so expect a lot of facts of the day.  They call me the studier.  Really they don't  call me that but I hope to be studying a lot for the next 10 days.  10 days is a long time.  Maybe they won't really be calling me the studier after all.  But seriously, someone make me study.  I lack discipline.

My birthday is in 10 days.  I demand presents from all of you.  I'm turning 22, which will be my first symmetrical age since I was 11.  I imagine that I will have a lot of deja vu this upcoming year.

Well that's all I have to say for today.  This took way too long.  They call me Mr. Distractable.

haiku for tim

forgot my haiku
sweet potato fries for me
that's my whole dinner

haiku #2 as an apology

sit on my hammock
watch big bang on internet
bing bong herro prease

don't really have anything to say today. i guess i'll just start a rant about something and then take it too far.

I really want to see harry potter 7.2 in 3D.  I would say on my list of things that I want to do the most, it would be third behind go home and skateboard.  Those first 2 are essentially continually my top 2.  Everything else I can kinda take or leave.  I read something today about our generation having too high of an expectation for our jobs and having too high of an opinion of ourselves, and I gotta say that I was offended by how spot on it was.  This exact thought goes through my head every day--"I can't wait to graduate so I can make 6 figures working 4 days a week and have my own private skatepark within 6 months of finishing school.  Also I am so awesome." 

Maybe not those exact words but essentially every time I have a lapse in (ya I just zoned out twice while writing this sentence thinking about my future skatepark) my train of thought that's where my brain goes.  I don't know if everyone thinks like that, but I assume that they do because I can't grasp a concept of consciousness that isn't exactly like my own.  This post is starting to annoy me, so let's change gears.

I'm going through serious ipod withdrawal here everyone.  I hate the radio so much.  You know what happens when I'm listening to the radio and a song I don't like comes on? I sit there and listen to it anyway because changing the station is exhausting. 

Also I saw something on the internet that was funny.  I don't know how funny it will be to the rest of you, but it was funny to me.  Not like classic youtube dog being scared by its own fart funny, but nonetheless funny.  I also like saying nonetheless.  Makes me feel smart.  Here's the video. I'm sure at least 2 of the 8 people that will read this will think it's funny.  And that makes it blog-worthy.

I've been wearing bro socks a lot recently.  Like those ones but black and less lacrosse gear.  I gotta tell ya, I am killing these 3/4 socks.  Still kinda self-conscious about them because I still feel like a hipster but hell, I have a blog so I guess 3/4 socks isn't the lamest thing I do.  Yes, I still kind of hate the fact that I write these things every day.  Having some serious cognitive dissonance here.  I'll do the math and show you why.

people who write blogs=lame
me=awesome
people who write blogs=me

You see, that's the transitive property. a=b, b=c, so a=c.  but in my case, a and c are not lining up.  My self-image is being torn at all the seams and I'm having serious emotional turmoil here, and I do it all for you.  You're welcome. 

I'm gonna write the next sentence with no vowels and see if it's still readable.  smhw ths sms lk t wnt wrk, nd ts rlly (y's K) hrd t wrt wtht vwls.

Ya that sucked.  Experiment failed.  Government funding pulled.  Reputation destroyed. Imminent suicide.  I think i need to go outside.  skateboarding time.

They call me the shoelace destroyer.

So I have some bad news everyone.  My ipod got stolen out of my car last night.  I'm pretty upset about it.  Me and that ipod go way back to spring 2010.  If my calculations are correct, that's like 10 electronic gadget years.  ipods age way faster than dogs.  electronic dogs age exponentially faster.  I don't make up the rules, I just let everyone know about them. 

I'm being told that I do make up the rules.  Ok, good to know.  I like this more and more every day.

But back to my ipod.  I would like to give a shout out to the upstanding citizen who took advantage of me forgetting to lock my car at alex's house last night.  Not only did you steal my ipod and toss all the stuff out of my glove box, you also appear to have got about $1.37 in spare change.  enjoy your medium sized slurpee while looking through the pictures of my grandpa's birthday party.  I hope you get really bad diarrhea.

By the way, that is the most useful thing I have learned so far from 2 semesters of microbiology.  I can spell diarrhea now.  There are apparently a lot of words that have an "rrh" in them. diarrhea, hemorrhage, and that's all i can think of.  But that's two more than I knew how to spell a year ago.  yay grad school!

I would also like to take this time to describe the "fashion show" that I went to last night.  I was kinda psyched to be at this sketchy zoolander-esque underground walkoff with a bunch of weird fashion people.  I wore nice pants because I was told to dress nice.  When we get to our destination, I notice that we're at a strip mall.  Instant disappointment.  Turns out we were just going to this store where there would be some girls in clothes with tags on them walking between two rows of foldup chairs with everybody's moms watching.  Also there was lemonade.  I ate some fruit and then we left and got some crappy nachos at the "mexican" place across the street.  So I was kind of upset.  And then my ipod got stolen.  Solid thursday night in missouri. 

Ha I'm being a huge downer right now.  Did I mention that I got kicked in the nuts and then all my friends told me that they don't actually like me and my parents told me that I'm actually adopted and they don't wanna talk to me anymore and a tiny cloud has been following me around and raining on me everywhere I go?  I really need a vacation

I'm gonna write a heartfelt haiku about my ipod now.  I miss you buddy.

ipod got stolen
we had so many good times
time to replace you.

I'm toying with the idea of sending this guy an e-mail, because my email is on my ipod.  I don't know how worried I should be about him messing with my stuff.  He's probably deleted most of my stuff by now right?  Is there anybody that's like super techy out there who knows how to track IP addresses and stuff?  Maybe I can play a game of words with friends with myself and see if he'll respond.  Maybe we can have a fruitful internet relationship or something.  That would be weird.  I'm gonna send that movie idea to Tom Hanks or something.  I think that would make a good movie plot.  Dude steals ipod, starts emailing the guy he stole it from and then they become friends?  That's pure gold.  So many ways to take that.  Time to start writing a screenplay.  Thanks for stealing my ipod bro, I think you just made me like a billion dollars.

I've had to pee really bad the whole time I've been writing this.  My commitment knows no bounds.

They call me gilligan

Yo dog

Sorry for missing a day yesterday.  I know this blog is the most important part of all your lives and I apologize from the depths of my soul for not supplying you all with an adequate supply.

First of all I would like to say to you how awesome Goldfish are.  Top of the line snack cracker.  I could eat goldfish all day err day.  For my money there is not a better artificially cheese flavored vaguely animal shaped food on the market.  For the most part all animal shaped food is good.  Think about it.  Gummy bears.  Animal crackers. Sour patch kids (that counts right?).  Gummy sharks.  Most of them are gummy things.   I want to start eating meat that is cut in the shape of the animal that it came from.  How cool would that be?  a cow shaped steak.  fish shaped fish filet.  Chicken shaped patties.  How is this not a thing?  I'm the smartest person there is.

 

 

Not exactly what I was talking about but still pretty cool

There is one more thing on my mind, and it is urinal related.  At school, there are four urinals in the main bathroom.  Three normal sized ones, and one little one at the end by the wall.  Here is my question:  If someone decides to pee in the middle normal urinal and you have to pee, which urinal do you pick?  Do you abide by the rule of not peeing right next to someone if you don't have to and thus pee in the tiny urinal that is kinda awkward to pee in, or do you punish them for being a jerk and pee right next to them?  I'll try to illustrate what I mean, because I assume this only makes sense in my head.

LU=little urinal
NU= normal urinal.

Wall.  LU  NU1  NU2  NU3.

There is your peeing scenario.  Do you pee next to the guy or take the little urinal?  I say you pee next to the guy so he learns his lesson, but I could be way off the mark here.  I need some guidance.  Preferably from a girl because you have no point of reference for urinal etiquette and I need a fresh perspective.  So Brit, Anna, and Big B (the only girls I know that read this on any sort of regular basis); where do I pee?  Input is encouraged.

Pretty sure I almost got heat stroke yesterday.  Got so hot that I was actually kinda cold for a second.  Thankfully I had about a half gallon of water and a ziplock full of goldfish to save the day.  Keep those electrolytes on hand, kids.  You don't wanna become a victim of hypotonic extracellular fluid.  Gotta keep those cells from swelling up.  Trust me, you don't want your cell membranes to lyse and leak contents all over the place.  We're talking a major self-perpetuating inflammatory process here.  Trust me.  I'm a doctor.

Alex told me today that I probably have a problem with haikus.  I'm addicted or something.  Well guess what Alex?  You're not my real dad and you can't tell me what to do.  Here's another haiku, because I'm in control and I can quit whenever I want.

Goldfish taste so good
salty fake cheesy goodness
haiku addiction.

I got new shorts this past weekend and they have HUGE pockets.  My forearms get about 3/4 of the way in before I hit bottom.  I like big pockets.  All the convenience of JNCOs or cargo pockets without the awfulness of JNCOs and cargo pockets.  Hey, maybe I have a lot of cargo and I don't like my shorts to look like they're wearing shorts.  Is that such a big deal?  No.  The answer is no.

Well that's about it for today.  I'm gonna leave you with another celebrity incidental shank before I give myself another nickname.  Maybe celebrity isn't the best word for this character, but nonetheless he is famous.  And that's a pretty solid shank.  Finding these pictures is actually kinda hard, but I know how much you all love this segment? so I will continue finding you sneak attack shanks.

They call me the goldfish miner