I'm on my way to deraware to see my friends from college and I still have a few hours left in transit and I already read a book so I figured I would write a blog for all of my loyal readers. I aporogize for not blogging much over break so far but I've been doing stuff. You understand. As a grad student my busiest time is naturally between semesters. Here's your blog stop whining.
I love Christmas cookies. The sugar cookies cut into evergreen tree shapes with frosting and stuff of top. They're the bees knees and I love them so very much. Yesterday I ate about 12 cookies. Half of them were washed down with beer. I do have to comment, however, that beer and cookies do not go well together. It's one of those ideas that has potential when you don't really think about it. Kinda like when I decided to eat frosted flakes with chocolate milk. one of those "hey maybe this is a good aw aw awwwww. Aw." moments.
I haven't seen my college friends since may. Clearly this is way too long. I would say that I want you to come visit me in missouri but that would be a terrible choice I think. For one, it would be super expensive for you all to get to the gateway to the west unless you drive the 16 hours. Secondly I refuse to be in missouri when I have no responsibility there so I woul be busy all the time. Thirdly I just don't like any of you enough to spend that much time with you individually. Stay where you are and leave me alone. I hate you all and I don't know why I'm coming to see you all.
Also I went to new Hampshire for the last three days or so and did some pretty fun stuff. I hiked like half way up mount Washington, that was pretty cool. Did you know that hiking is just walking for a long period of time? It's like that yogging fad but on a mountain and you don't run. Hiking reminded me of tough mudder and I want to do another one. Hey college friends--when we graduate this silly grad school thing we should do a tough mudder every spring so I don't get too fat. And then when they stop having tough mudders we can just all drive to Pennsylvania is the woods somewhere and get drunk and roll around in the mud for like 2 hours. Sound good? Ok good because I'm gonna make you all come. Ya dig.
Last night my mom said "you'd be surprised how much I can squeeze out of those things." It made me giggle and I thought I should mention it. Here is a new game we are going to play for just this post. It's called "was my mom talking bout nearly empty toothpaste tubes or penises?". I think that's a pretty good game.
I decided that next semester in gonna start reading books. There's too much stuff I don't know and it's starting to get on my nerves. Ive been trying to read stuff on like economics and that kind of thing so I can have some sort of idea what's going on in the world and so I can be a responsible adult and this is what I look like the whole time.
http://chzscience.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/funny-science-news-experiments-memes-dog-science-fuzzy-logic.jpg
Phone blogging gimme a break here with the links.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EL8e2ujXe8g&feature=youtube_gdata_player
So basically here is my request to any and all of you--when you read this blog and it's about how I watched like a million hours of tv or something like that, personally reprimand me in an incredibly hurtful way. Do your best to make me cry, preferably with personal attacks. Try to keep my family out of it, but everything else is fair game. Keep in mind that this starts after my pretty ok feeling reunion so I'm not being beat down for the next five or so days.
Now if you will excuse me I will go either start my second book of this trip or browse reddit for the next couple hours. Here's or haiku. I can't believe I'm still writing haikus
Zisk texts other day
Recipient yours truly.
"I sharted today"
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
merry christmas everyone.
So I am writing this blog starting at 1:30am or so on christmas day because I feel that I owe you all a Christmas blog. So welcome, one and all to my first annual christmas day blog. It's like the NBA christmas day games but more blogging and less basketball.
So I don't know about you all but I have had a wonderful break so far. Done so work son, got some relaxing in, got some skateboarding in, and I even got to hang out with my boy Tai today and watch the patriots. So far so good. I got to skate my new deck this week, which is HUGE. I had my last one since august break, which was 4 months ago. For all of you who can't really appreciate how long that is, imagine wearing the same underwear for like 15 days and then finally getting to put a new pair on. It just makes me so happy. When I'm rich I'm buying new boards like every 3 weeks because it feels so right.
Also can I mention something about it being ridiculously warm out this winter? Are you kidding me with it being 60+ on december 22nd? I would say I'm not mad about it but I kinda feel like I should be mad about it. Guys, clearly we're doing something wrong, and it's kind of making me worried that the world is going to end in 362 or so days. I do have a question about that though. What does everyone mean when they say "the world is going to end"? Is it like a rapture thing, or does everybody die, or does the Earth cease to exist completely? Because to me even if all life ends on Earth but the actual planet is still here that's not the end of the world. Specificity is important people. Think about that one and get back to me. What do you think the most likely scenario is for the end of the world) meaning the end of people)? Giant asteroid? Aliens? Series of natural disasters? Nuclear Holocaust? Robots? Well whatever it is, clearly this is the only solution.
So I went to church tonight with my dad, and I gotta tell you a lot of it made me laugh. Here are my two favorite things about church: preacher voice and little kids eating way too much communion. I know catholics do the thing where you all line up and the priest gives you a cracker, but at my church they pass around these plates with communion bread on it, which honestly looks pretty tasty. like a dehydrated biscuit or something. But I always watch it for as long as I can, and I try to keep an eye out for kids under like 12, especially when they're new to my parent's church because they don't know the protocol. Everybody takes like a little piece of the cracker and then the kid gets the plate and they're not really paying attention so they take like 2 whole crackers and mash those things down like a boss. And then they take like 4 shots of grape juice. Gotta love em. It just makes the awkward seriousness of communion and turns it into an awesome suspense comedy.
But preacher voice is SO funny. There is no other scenario where someone could talk like that and be taken seriously. And this isn't about what they're saying at all. It's all about delivery. Let me try to find a clip for you all so you have an idea of what I'm talking about. Nope can't find one. All youtube has to offer is white people doing bad impressions of stereotypical black preachers.I expected more from you youtube. Well preachers at my church always do this thing where they're like kind of whispering and somehow they always manage to end sentences with a really long S sound (usually JEsusssssss). I realize I've done a really bad job explaining this but it's really funny you'll just have to TRUhssssssssssssst. (see what I did there)
BONUS thing that I really like at church is people just yelling stuff at the preacher. There's typically like 3 things that people say, like "YUP" or "AMEN" or something like that, but occasionally you get the person who doesn't get church yelling protocol and then it's just pure gold. Anything longer than 3 words makes me laugh every time. "PREACH THE WORD OF GOD TO US MIKE" or something along those lines is typical and borderline acceptable church heckling if you wanna call it that. But if you get the combination of the right holiday and a weird enough dude out in the crowd you can get some beautiful stuff. "Thank you Jesus! Praise him! We need you Jesus! Teach us!" and just this long onslaught of yelling that clearly takes too long and doesnt fit into the preacher pause. It makes the rest of the time there completely worth it. And when people yell at inappropriate times is nice too. Yelling during scripture reading is excellent, especially when you happen to get accidental overlap between the scripture and the heckle.
"and jesus gave all those people fish, and everybody was psyched and they said to Jesus..."
"PREACH"
"yup, that is what they said thanks. maybe you just wanna yell out the rest of the verse huh? No? well then SHUT IT and let jesus talk"
OH last thing. Today the preacher was praying and all of a sudden in the middle of the prayer whoever was doing the lights turned off all the lights and spotlighted the guy super hard. He literally stopped in the middle of the prayer, opened his eyes and looked up at the balcony like this. I thanked Jesus for that one. What a nice guy he is, giving me a present for his birthday. Stand up guy, that jesus.
Welp my computer is about to die so I would like to wish you all a merry christmas. Especially Zisk.
Still waiting to hear back from King John Un. Maybe this site is blocked in North Korea and Un hasn't got the password for parental controls yet. Boom roasted.
So I don't know about you all but I have had a wonderful break so far. Done so work son, got some relaxing in, got some skateboarding in, and I even got to hang out with my boy Tai today and watch the patriots. So far so good. I got to skate my new deck this week, which is HUGE. I had my last one since august break, which was 4 months ago. For all of you who can't really appreciate how long that is, imagine wearing the same underwear for like 15 days and then finally getting to put a new pair on. It just makes me so happy. When I'm rich I'm buying new boards like every 3 weeks because it feels so right.
Also can I mention something about it being ridiculously warm out this winter? Are you kidding me with it being 60+ on december 22nd? I would say I'm not mad about it but I kinda feel like I should be mad about it. Guys, clearly we're doing something wrong, and it's kind of making me worried that the world is going to end in 362 or so days. I do have a question about that though. What does everyone mean when they say "the world is going to end"? Is it like a rapture thing, or does everybody die, or does the Earth cease to exist completely? Because to me even if all life ends on Earth but the actual planet is still here that's not the end of the world. Specificity is important people. Think about that one and get back to me. What do you think the most likely scenario is for the end of the world) meaning the end of people)? Giant asteroid? Aliens? Series of natural disasters? Nuclear Holocaust? Robots? Well whatever it is, clearly this is the only solution.
So I went to church tonight with my dad, and I gotta tell you a lot of it made me laugh. Here are my two favorite things about church: preacher voice and little kids eating way too much communion. I know catholics do the thing where you all line up and the priest gives you a cracker, but at my church they pass around these plates with communion bread on it, which honestly looks pretty tasty. like a dehydrated biscuit or something. But I always watch it for as long as I can, and I try to keep an eye out for kids under like 12, especially when they're new to my parent's church because they don't know the protocol. Everybody takes like a little piece of the cracker and then the kid gets the plate and they're not really paying attention so they take like 2 whole crackers and mash those things down like a boss. And then they take like 4 shots of grape juice. Gotta love em. It just makes the awkward seriousness of communion and turns it into an awesome suspense comedy.
But preacher voice is SO funny. There is no other scenario where someone could talk like that and be taken seriously. And this isn't about what they're saying at all. It's all about delivery. Let me try to find a clip for you all so you have an idea of what I'm talking about. Nope can't find one. All youtube has to offer is white people doing bad impressions of stereotypical black preachers.
BONUS thing that I really like at church is people just yelling stuff at the preacher. There's typically like 3 things that people say, like "YUP" or "AMEN" or something like that, but occasionally you get the person who doesn't get church yelling protocol and then it's just pure gold. Anything longer than 3 words makes me laugh every time. "PREACH THE WORD OF GOD TO US MIKE" or something along those lines is typical and borderline acceptable church heckling if you wanna call it that. But if you get the combination of the right holiday and a weird enough dude out in the crowd you can get some beautiful stuff. "Thank you Jesus! Praise him! We need you Jesus! Teach us!" and just this long onslaught of yelling that clearly takes too long and doesnt fit into the preacher pause. It makes the rest of the time there completely worth it. And when people yell at inappropriate times is nice too. Yelling during scripture reading is excellent, especially when you happen to get accidental overlap between the scripture and the heckle.
"and jesus gave all those people fish, and everybody was psyched and they said to Jesus..."
"PREACH"
"yup, that is what they said thanks. maybe you just wanna yell out the rest of the verse huh? No? well then SHUT IT and let jesus talk"
OH last thing. Today the preacher was praying and all of a sudden in the middle of the prayer whoever was doing the lights turned off all the lights and spotlighted the guy super hard. He literally stopped in the middle of the prayer, opened his eyes and looked up at the balcony like this. I thanked Jesus for that one. What a nice guy he is, giving me a present for his birthday. Stand up guy, that jesus.
Welp my computer is about to die so I would like to wish you all a merry christmas. Especially Zisk.
Still waiting to hear back from King John Un. Maybe this site is blocked in North Korea and Un hasn't got the password for parental controls yet. Boom roasted.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
killer one liner at end this one. I think you'll be impressed. I feel pretty good about it. I don't wanna toot my own horn, but I bought this tuba for a reason
So as you all know, I challenged Kim Jong Un to a duel in my last blog. He has yet to respond, but there is news that there is some unrest in North Korea and people aren't really sold on his reign. Clearly, the people have spoken. New blood in the Il House. They want change. Something completely out of the norm. The people want a white male to lead their country. What's that? You're telling me that I am a white male? OH what a coincidence. Just say the word oppressed people of North Korea. Get the word out to me via carrier pigeon or rock thrown over the border to South Korea or fish with my name branded on it or something. I'm your man and we all know it. I'll build those political connections in like 10 minutes. Get ready for a revolution, because I'm gonna turn your country around so hard that you wont know this guy from this guy. It's funny because they look the same.
Also I have something to ask. I was doing work at my dad's office today inputting some stuff for electronic records change, and basically I was inputting people's allergies and meds into the system so obama can kill them all easier. Most people had no allergies, some people were like "omg i cant even think of a dog lol" but then one guy put down that he was allergic to trees. So I laugh and write it in because it's funny that this guy is trollololing the healthcare overhaul and I move on. And then I see that like 4 other people are apparently allergic to trees. My question is, can you actually be allergic to trees or is this some serious conspiracy to troll me personally? These people have to be either joking or misinformed right? Are these people allergic to all the trees, or like some sap, or are they allergic to like xylem or phloem or something? Because I don't see how you can exist if you're allergic to every tree. And what do you have to do to get this reaction? There's gotta be varying degrees of this allergy right? Are they eating the tree, or do they just have to be within like 10 feet of a tree to break out in hives or whatever it is that happens? Are they carrying sticks in their mouths and playing fetch but being the dog instead? Someone find me a person who is allergic to trees because I obviously can't mock these patients for having a silly allergy, but I can always make fun of one of you anonymously via the interwebs.
Also I talked to my dad today over our first official business dinner and we essentially decided on me coming in to work at his office after I graduate, which is pretty super badass. I can't wait to just blast people all over his office and like high five my dad in the hall after really good adjustments. I'll see between patients and be like "BOOYA blasted that guy" (internet five). I'm gonna have so much fun working and I'm super excited.
ALSO I got to play with my sister's nephew Joshua last night. Oh my being an uncle is gonna be so fun. I got to play dinosaurs last night. Do you realize the extent to which roaring at other adults is fun? Especially after like 3 drinks. He was like "let's go scare Toby!" and I was like ok how are we gonna scare him. "WE'RE DINOSAURS!" YES WE ARE JOSHUA. I was born for this game. Who doesn't love dinosaurs and yelling noises in the house? Too bad I probably won't see the little dude for another year or so, but still I am gonna rock this uncle thing. I wanna play with toy cars just as much 2 1/2 year olds and my niece (yup Bridget's kid is a girl) will not be able to get enough of me. Guaranteed. Too bad I have to live in Missouri till she's 1&1/2, but I'll be making up for lost time like a boss when I get back. Play with ALL THE TOYS. Also Bridget's other nephew is just shy of 1 and he can't crawl yet and it's wicked funny to watch him try. He like gave up using his arms and tried mashing his head against the floor. I guess when you think about it it kinda makes sense. That's like the biggest part of their body. If my head was as big as my arm is long I would definitely be trying to use it to propel things and myself even more than I do now (which is fairly often). But enough of the baby talk because it's making me want to play with one again and also it's making me want a dog because face it; dogs and babies are the same before babies can talk except that puppies can run around so they're kinda better.
I feel like I need to reiterate this: North Korea, get at me. Make your intentions known. Don't keep me wondering. I can't take it anymore. Here I am in the prime of my life and I can't even get a decent dictator gig when the heir apparent is some sort of asian Michelin man with a slicked back Guile haircut. I mean this is no Dear Leader who really likes to look at things and also likes dubstep. This is Jaba the Hut whose slime is concentrated in his hair. This guy is essentially a giant baby Italian immigrant with jaundice. Boom I'm ending on that joke. Goodnight.
Also I have something to ask. I was doing work at my dad's office today inputting some stuff for electronic records change, and basically I was inputting people's allergies and meds into the system so obama can kill them all easier. Most people had no allergies, some people were like "omg i cant even think of a dog lol" but then one guy put down that he was allergic to trees. So I laugh and write it in because it's funny that this guy is trollololing the healthcare overhaul and I move on. And then I see that like 4 other people are apparently allergic to trees. My question is, can you actually be allergic to trees or is this some serious conspiracy to troll me personally? These people have to be either joking or misinformed right? Are these people allergic to all the trees, or like some sap, or are they allergic to like xylem or phloem or something? Because I don't see how you can exist if you're allergic to every tree. And what do you have to do to get this reaction? There's gotta be varying degrees of this allergy right? Are they eating the tree, or do they just have to be within like 10 feet of a tree to break out in hives or whatever it is that happens? Are they carrying sticks in their mouths and playing fetch but being the dog instead? Someone find me a person who is allergic to trees because I obviously can't mock these patients for having a silly allergy, but I can always make fun of one of you anonymously via the interwebs.
Also I talked to my dad today over our first official business dinner and we essentially decided on me coming in to work at his office after I graduate, which is pretty super badass. I can't wait to just blast people all over his office and like high five my dad in the hall after really good adjustments. I'll see between patients and be like "BOOYA blasted that guy" (internet five). I'm gonna have so much fun working and I'm super excited.
ALSO I got to play with my sister's nephew Joshua last night. Oh my being an uncle is gonna be so fun. I got to play dinosaurs last night. Do you realize the extent to which roaring at other adults is fun? Especially after like 3 drinks. He was like "let's go scare Toby!" and I was like ok how are we gonna scare him. "WE'RE DINOSAURS!" YES WE ARE JOSHUA. I was born for this game. Who doesn't love dinosaurs and yelling noises in the house? Too bad I probably won't see the little dude for another year or so, but still I am gonna rock this uncle thing. I wanna play with toy cars just as much 2 1/2 year olds and my niece (yup Bridget's kid is a girl) will not be able to get enough of me. Guaranteed. Too bad I have to live in Missouri till she's 1&1/2, but I'll be making up for lost time like a boss when I get back. Play with ALL THE TOYS. Also Bridget's other nephew is just shy of 1 and he can't crawl yet and it's wicked funny to watch him try. He like gave up using his arms and tried mashing his head against the floor. I guess when you think about it it kinda makes sense. That's like the biggest part of their body. If my head was as big as my arm is long I would definitely be trying to use it to propel things and myself even more than I do now (which is fairly often). But enough of the baby talk because it's making me want to play with one again and also it's making me want a dog because face it; dogs and babies are the same before babies can talk except that puppies can run around so they're kinda better.
I feel like I need to reiterate this: North Korea, get at me. Make your intentions known. Don't keep me wondering. I can't take it anymore. Here I am in the prime of my life and I can't even get a decent dictator gig when the heir apparent is some sort of asian Michelin man with a slicked back Guile haircut. I mean this is no Dear Leader who really likes to look at things and also likes dubstep. This is Jaba the Hut whose slime is concentrated in his hair. This guy is essentially a giant baby Italian immigrant with jaundice. Boom I'm ending on that joke. Goodnight.
Monday, December 19, 2011
King Jong Un, I challenge you to a duel
Is it weird to floss in public? And by public I mean like in my car or something? I've been thinking of doing my flossing elsewhere because every time I go to bed it seems like I have a million things to do before I actually get to lay down and it's super annoying, so if I could cut flossing out of the equation it would save me like at least one minute. I need feedback on this and since I'm home, I have less access to people that I can ask these sort of questions to. I could always ask my mom, but then she would think I'm an idiot and tell my school that I'm probably cheating because, let's face it, people who think about flossing in the car clearly cannot pass their classes when taking 14 of them per semester. Unless they have Aspergers or something, but I clearly don't have that. Right? How did I ever write these things without memes? Next topic
You know what's the best? Driving in new england. So many cool roads. It's like a race course through the woods almost all the time. Back roads and back roads and back roads. I mean the layout makes no sense, but that's the best part. There were houses first and then roads to connect the houses, and that's the way it should be. When I'm going somewhere, I don't want to go in a straight line. Absolutely not. Get me away from the straight lines. I want squiggles (4:46). Give me the road where I'm like 77% going to hit a tree or a car every time. No more room on the side of roads. I want my car to barely fit, and sometimes maybe I wanna hit something. But I also think that cars should be really cheap so I can clip things and put all sorts of scrapes and dents in my car and be able to get a new one whenever I want. Basically life should be a video game and I don't understand why it's not yet. It's almost 2012, science. Get me easily recyclable cars that cost less than actually playing the cruisin USA game. No more of this virtual reality stuff. I want reality, but I also want extra lives and stuff. Come on, it's christmas, and it's also almost festivus. Which reminds me, I better start getting my grievances in order. Seems like I should have some pretty good ones this year. But of course I can think of nothing. BUT there is some huge news that needs to be discussed.
Dear Leader King Jong Il just died in the past 24 hours or so. And you know what that means! DICTATOR JOB IS OPEN. Now it may seem like Illy (that's what we in the dictator business call him) just left it to his son, but those of us in the know know that Un is too busy nomnomnoming to really want to be dictator. He's got no personality. No style. No class. No discernable shape. Gross looking fingers. He's a disgrace to dear leader and to his people. No way this guy is gonna shoot better than Illy did his first time on the links (38 under par) or rock grandpa glasses as hard as dear leader. Plus, he looks like he even used to like american culture and probably was an eminem fan. Now, I have no way of knowing if that's actually him or if it's Cameron but I assume it's him because it came up when I googled him. Just like how this is how obama really looked at some point and was also in the whoomp video.
 |
| Clearly Obama |
Anyway, Kim Jong Un does not have what it takes to properly suppress an entire country. A town? Yea. County? Maybe. State? Absolutely not. North Freaking Korea? I laugh in your general direction. There's a reason the pillsbury dough boy isn't a dictator, and it's because he kinda makes you giggle. I mean you can't just give a dude a bad fade and put him in a suit and call him a dictator. You might as well put a woman as dictato-hahahahahah I couldn't even type it all out. Obviously Un is better than a woman, but that's like saying he's better than not even having a dictator, and we all know that there needs to be a Korean dictator. But I won't be able to sleep at night knowing this clown is it. I'm going on the offensive here. As I clearly stated in the title of this blog, I am challenging Kim Jong Un to a battle to the death. You choose the weapons, the place, the time, and whatever other weird rules you want to choose to make me think that you're crazy enough to dictate (still doesnt sound right). Hell, if you want to have a gummy worm eating competition I'll smoke you in that. You may be a fatty mcfat-fat but I bet I can eat you under the table. Man up Un. You gotta stomp out all competition if you're gonna be a real dictator, and I'm the first of the seven evil exes you have to face to get the girl with the weird pink haircut who is actually pretty cute. And by pretty cute I mean She's babe! Shwing! Yadayadayada. HRRRRRR
And on the off-chance that Kim Jong Il isn't actually dead and he's just staging a heroic jesus-esque comeback in which he'll probably wait 4 days to come back to show that he's more powerful than western religion, I sincerery aporogize dear reader and I hope you have not taken my comments against your son too serirousry. But if you really are dead, then we're all a rittre bit ronery without you. I won't even bother posting the video because you know the one. Haiku, dear leader style.
hakiu five seven five
but not for the dearest leader
more surraburr each line.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
airplane troll
I forgot about a funny story from yesterday that I meant to tell you all. Here it is.
So i was walking down that makeshift hallway thing from the gate to the plane yesterday and I was standing in the line there to enter the plane and find my seat like a normal person when I noticed something strange. The guy behind me in line, instead of standing an appropriate distance directly behind me as is standard line waiting protocol, would walk to my left and stand even with me in the line. At first I thought he did it by accident or was looking for something that maybe he could only see from the left of the jetbridge, so I sort of ignored it. But around the 9th time we moved forward 4 feet and he walked right up to my side but didn't acknowledge me I started to wonder. Eventually he fell in line behind me but I started thinking of what possible reason he had to do that. And by started to wonder I mean I'm about to make up like 5 reasons right now that I think are funny and probably have to do with farts. So here they are.
1) Blatantly real life trolling me and he's actually just a boss
2) Guy behind him keeps farting and he wants to get away from the source
3) He decided it would be funny to fart on me but had to get at least even with me first
4) Was hoping that I would let him onto the place first so he could crop dust me in the aisle all the way to his seat
5) Thought I'm cute and couldn't get enough of looking at my face in line
6) Thought I was Woody Harrelson and the first 7 times he looked he couldn't tell.
I think those are all the possible reasons for his actions. So that's my story. I'm out.
So i was walking down that makeshift hallway thing from the gate to the plane yesterday and I was standing in the line there to enter the plane and find my seat like a normal person when I noticed something strange. The guy behind me in line, instead of standing an appropriate distance directly behind me as is standard line waiting protocol, would walk to my left and stand even with me in the line. At first I thought he did it by accident or was looking for something that maybe he could only see from the left of the jetbridge, so I sort of ignored it. But around the 9th time we moved forward 4 feet and he walked right up to my side but didn't acknowledge me I started to wonder. Eventually he fell in line behind me but I started thinking of what possible reason he had to do that. And by started to wonder I mean I'm about to make up like 5 reasons right now that I think are funny and probably have to do with farts. So here they are.
1) Blatantly real life trolling me and he's actually just a boss
2) Guy behind him keeps farting and he wants to get away from the source
3) He decided it would be funny to fart on me but had to get at least even with me first
4) Was hoping that I would let him onto the place first so he could crop dust me in the aisle all the way to his seat
5) Thought I'm cute and couldn't get enough of looking at my face in line
6) Thought I was Woody Harrelson and the first 7 times he looked he couldn't tell.
I think those are all the possible reasons for his actions. So that's my story. I'm out.
back home and it feels pretty OK
Well the semester is finally over and I am blogging from my glorious kitchen table in my glorious childhood home in the glorious town of Westwood Massachusetts. This past semester I took 37 credits, and next semester I will also be taking 37 credits. It got me thinking about my girl Gail Mattix from UD who told me that there was almost no chance that I would be allowed to take 20 credits in the spring of 2010 because it was just too much. Guess what Gail? I just took 37 and got a 3.6 so something tells me that 20 2 years ago (damn) was probably not too much. I think at this point they could tell me I'm taking 50 credits and I wouldn't even think twice. My boy Dr. Elliot could waltz down into my classroom and be like "Drew we decided that it would be best for you to take tri 5 and 6 together, but you'll just be taking tri 5 online is that OK?" and I would be like "sorry Dr. Elliot I didnt pay attention to what you just said because it was so believable that you would ask me that and I don't listen to mundane details. You know how old people like to say "you're only as old as you feel" even though we all know they're lying? That's essentially what I'm doing right now. Please don't make me take 50 credits. It was just a joke. I take it back
So I get to see all my college friends in 12 days and I feel pretty OK about it. By the way thanks for actually allowing "feels pretty ok" become a thing guys. I know it's not that funny and you really only hang out with me because I organize this kind of thing so you can all see each other but I appreciate the gesture. By the way I'm the worst at charades. There is no one worse than me. And also pictionary. And taboo. pretty much any of those games where you have to describe things quickly in an unorthodox way. Whoever made up those games were clearly not looking out for those of us who are self-conscious and have a lisp. Sorry that I can't talk quickly and I mumble alright? Just leave me alone and let me guess or make snide comments from the side in good fun. I can do that. Just don't make me get up in front of the class because it's scary and I have a nervous bladder.
Alright it's time to go christmas shopping with mom and dad. But not before your haiku
semester is done
fly back home to westwood, mass
J O in each room
killed that haiku
So I get to see all my college friends in 12 days and I feel pretty OK about it. By the way thanks for actually allowing "feels pretty ok" become a thing guys. I know it's not that funny and you really only hang out with me because I organize this kind of thing so you can all see each other but I appreciate the gesture. By the way I'm the worst at charades. There is no one worse than me. And also pictionary. And taboo. pretty much any of those games where you have to describe things quickly in an unorthodox way. Whoever made up those games were clearly not looking out for those of us who are self-conscious and have a lisp. Sorry that I can't talk quickly and I mumble alright? Just leave me alone and let me guess or make snide comments from the side in good fun. I can do that. Just don't make me get up in front of the class because it's scary and I have a nervous bladder.
Alright it's time to go christmas shopping with mom and dad. But not before your haiku
semester is done
fly back home to westwood, mass
J O in each room
killed that haiku
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
I am so sorry matt
sorry matt for not posting a blog but i've been pretending to study for like 5 days now and it's impossible to act like i'm really busy and also blog at the same time. I mean I gotta at least save face here. If I'm gonna fade down the stretch and just rely on my midterm grades to carry me through the semester I'm gonna have to at least keep my trace small so it looks like I've been doing workson. So here goes makeup blog. The power is mine.
So I'm sitting here at C woosh's kithen table right meow. Just waiting for my last final to come visit so I can be done with this exhausting semester. It's not so much that it's been difficult to learn the material as much as it has been super exhausting to have to pretend like I care enough about extra curricular activities to hunt people down and get them to play soccer. Come on guys, you're making me stressed out and thats not cool. I don't do stressed out. I do stressed in. I know that's not a colloquialism but I'm gonna go ahead and let it go. Story time.
So I woke up at like 7 oclock this morning to do some last minute review for my exam this morning and I ended up snoozing till like 9. To avoid being really tired for the rest of the day I took an excedrine migraine aka the greatest thing of all time. It has caffeine in it. I don't do well with caffeine. It has like 1/3 a cup of coffee in it. I made the choice to not eat anything before said pill. And it was GAME ON. My brain flipped out. This is what happens when Drew ingests caffeine. Three minutes passed in the library and I thought it was like a million minutes. Clearly I need to avoid all serious drugs. They will end poorly. And by serious drugs I mean anything that has been deemed as an "upper".
Oh did you hear that Ryan Braun did steroids? Gotta love professional athletes. Clearly they're not all scumbags. Albert Pujols turns down $200 mill to get $230 mill? That makes sense. Just keep telling yourself that you're gonna be worth $250 mill for the next 10 years. You're like 35 years old and coming off a half season long injury. Here's how you know that you're the worst: when you're morbidly obese teammate that literally tells the public that he's gonna go to whoever gives him the biggest contract is not the biggest scumbag out of the 2 all stars on your team. I'm talking about you Ryan Braun. Science doesn't lie bro. You did steroids and now people are gonna hate you just like they hate andy pettite roger clemens. Also this is funny. See next paragraph for commentary, which is why you come here in the first place.
So Jeter gives away skank baskets huh? skankets, if you will. How many of those gift baskets do you think he has at any given time? At least like a dozen right? If I'm Derek Jeter I'm riding this train for as long as possible. I mean my contract is giving me way too much money, I'm statistically the worst defensive shortstop in baseball, and I've been hitting singles into right field for like 13 years. I have an awkward shade of skin and an ambiguous name that nobody can tell the ethnicity I am, and I'm as boring as Bill Belichick without being funny. Come on Jeter. This is your breakout event. Start advertising your skankets and making them interesting like in the oscars. Make people want to get one of your consolation prizes. Give some different stuff every time. Don't be giving out Toblerones and bed bath and beyond gift cards. Make it something wierd. Get collections of weird stuff from goodwill. Like sex and the city seasons on vhs and baby onesies that are ladybug colored. by the way I hate ladybugs. I odn't trust em. If you're gonna be a secret baller, make yourself special. Do some illuminati stuff. Give these girls some severed goat heads or something. Quit slacking Jeter. If this paragraph took me like 10 minutes to write, you can give these girls something to remember. You probably didn't try that hard last night. Make at least some of the night memorable (boom roasted jeter). Killed it
drink the beer all day
take final in the morning
Get A like a bowse
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Today it looked like I peed out of my butt.
Now I will tell you the story about why that was the case. So I was getting my car tuned up at the Honda place, studying like the responsible student I'm known to be. Then I thought to myself, "PIZZA." So I looked up the closest non-st. louis style pizza place and I packed up my stuff and walked myself down the road to the pizza hut. There I ordered and ate my pizza while learning about all kinds of disgusting pathologies. And flinch I did not. As I was about to leave, I refilled my water bottle, put the cap on tight and put it back in my backpack. On the way home, I had my headphones in, but some 17-20 year old male yelled something out of his car at me. I did not understand his words. But in hindsight, it was probably something along the lines of "YOU LOOK LIKE YOU PEED OUT OF YOUR BUTT." So I finally get back to the honda place and I realize that my legs feel wet. I grab my backpack and think to myself "wet." I then remove my backpack to find that there is a big ole puddle in my bag and it has been dripping down onto my legs via my butt. And that is the story of how I did not pee out of my butt, but it must have looked to people who saw me walking that I, in fact, did have some sort of butt pee incident.
By the way, don't google "butt pee." It's not what you think. Or maybe it is. I don't know just don't do it.
Finals start for real tomorrow, which means I will probably be blogging more than usual if this trend holds up. I do not understand why finals always means I have so much free time, but I think this is why I love finals week. It's full of actual learning and then down time that I actually feel like I earned. If I learned all the time at the rate that I do during finals week I would have already learned everything. And not just for my DC program either. I mean literally EVERYTHING. If only I didnt have to waste 7 hours a day pretending to listen to people talk at me. Zat wut be so grayt. Stupid classrom requirements. Just stifling my productivity left and right. In like 400 years when people actually figure out how to do things well, there will be an option in school for them to just give you a massive stack of papers and tell you "learn all this by the end of the semester," and reincarnated Drew will choo choo choose that option every time. And then he will watch a lot of internet TV and have no social interactions with people, and he will turn into this, just without the beard because he will not be able to grow one either. It's only fair.
This thought came into my head today. After I graduate, I have to do a semester internship for my masters program. The thought briefly came into my head to do it at UD, and that I could always just sublet for somebody studying abroad. And then I remembered that I would be 24 living with a bunch of 19 and 20 year old kids. And that would SUCK. Remember how gross it was living with 19 and 20 year olds when you were that old and they were your friends? How long do you think it would be before my brain just exploded? like 3 weeks? I'd be like hey guys any chance you wanna clean up the puke from the party last week? and they'd be like "I did clean it up" and I'd be like "no, you put it in the bathtub and then the drain clogged and so it's still there." "not my problem bro. hey can you buy us beer?" That's as far as I got before I made myself stop thinking about it so I wouldn't get mad at my hypothetical underage roommates two years from now, meaning they are now probably seniors in high school. AAaaaaaaaaaand I'm old.
OK well its time to go work out I guess so my fat stops growing and I can actually sleep tonight. I get to sleep till like 8 tomorrow. I love finals week. Here's your haiku
no lecture for me
take tests real fast then go read
try not to butt pee
boom all 3 lines rhymed. killed that haiku. They call me hashimoto because I am the primary cause of hypothyroidism in the US
Now I will tell you the story about why that was the case. So I was getting my car tuned up at the Honda place, studying like the responsible student I'm known to be. Then I thought to myself, "PIZZA." So I looked up the closest non-st. louis style pizza place and I packed up my stuff and walked myself down the road to the pizza hut. There I ordered and ate my pizza while learning about all kinds of disgusting pathologies. And flinch I did not. As I was about to leave, I refilled my water bottle, put the cap on tight and put it back in my backpack. On the way home, I had my headphones in, but some 17-20 year old male yelled something out of his car at me. I did not understand his words. But in hindsight, it was probably something along the lines of "YOU LOOK LIKE YOU PEED OUT OF YOUR BUTT." So I finally get back to the honda place and I realize that my legs feel wet. I grab my backpack and think to myself "wet." I then remove my backpack to find that there is a big ole puddle in my bag and it has been dripping down onto my legs via my butt. And that is the story of how I did not pee out of my butt, but it must have looked to people who saw me walking that I, in fact, did have some sort of butt pee incident.
By the way, don't google "butt pee." It's not what you think. Or maybe it is. I don't know just don't do it.
Finals start for real tomorrow, which means I will probably be blogging more than usual if this trend holds up. I do not understand why finals always means I have so much free time, but I think this is why I love finals week. It's full of actual learning and then down time that I actually feel like I earned. If I learned all the time at the rate that I do during finals week I would have already learned everything. And not just for my DC program either. I mean literally EVERYTHING. If only I didnt have to waste 7 hours a day pretending to listen to people talk at me. Zat wut be so grayt. Stupid classrom requirements. Just stifling my productivity left and right. In like 400 years when people actually figure out how to do things well, there will be an option in school for them to just give you a massive stack of papers and tell you "learn all this by the end of the semester," and reincarnated Drew will choo choo choose that option every time. And then he will watch a lot of internet TV and have no social interactions with people, and he will turn into this, just without the beard because he will not be able to grow one either. It's only fair.
This thought came into my head today. After I graduate, I have to do a semester internship for my masters program. The thought briefly came into my head to do it at UD, and that I could always just sublet for somebody studying abroad. And then I remembered that I would be 24 living with a bunch of 19 and 20 year old kids. And that would SUCK. Remember how gross it was living with 19 and 20 year olds when you were that old and they were your friends? How long do you think it would be before my brain just exploded? like 3 weeks? I'd be like hey guys any chance you wanna clean up the puke from the party last week? and they'd be like "I did clean it up" and I'd be like "no, you put it in the bathtub and then the drain clogged and so it's still there." "not my problem bro. hey can you buy us beer?" That's as far as I got before I made myself stop thinking about it so I wouldn't get mad at my hypothetical underage roommates two years from now, meaning they are now probably seniors in high school. AAaaaaaaaaaand I'm old.
OK well its time to go work out I guess so my fat stops growing and I can actually sleep tonight. I get to sleep till like 8 tomorrow. I love finals week. Here's your haiku
no lecture for me
take tests real fast then go read
try not to butt pee
boom all 3 lines rhymed. killed that haiku. They call me hashimoto because I am the primary cause of hypothyroidism in the US
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
on a roll
I've studied for the past 2 days in a row. And on top of that, I'm even planning to do some more studying this very evening. They call me the finals dominator. And I also have a story to tell. Blog, HOOOOOOOOO
So I was minding my own merry business yesterday, staring at some pathology words on a paper, all alone in my classroom because everyone else had left. It was in the early afternoon. One of my classmates, who shall remain nameless, entered the classroom and started talking to me. I decided to engage him back. So we get to talking, and by we I mean he told me all about himself for like 20 minutes and I smiled and nodded and gave some appropriate social feedback. Until we started talking about his old high school. So from there, he told me his school had a lot of Bosnian immigrants and inner city kids bussed in to attend, which didnt seem that out of the ordinary. He told me about the Bosnian kids and how they all smell bad and had "rice burner" cars, which I am looking up right now on urban dictionary because I don't know what it means. And I'm being told it's racist.
He then said that only about 30% of people from his high school went to college. I was sort of surprised, being from the snooty rich town that I'm from, since almost all of my friends, even the dumb ones, went to college. Then this person said to me, and I'm paraphrasing for the most part, but I'm gonna put it in quotes here for effect, "I don't know about the Bosnians or black kids, but out of all my white friends, you know, the people from good families, like 30% went to college." Yay racism! Dude didn't even flinch. And he's just some normal guy too. Here is how I felt, and here is how I looked. Straight poker faced him. Gotta love blatant, unapologetic racism. Except the opposite. Get me back to a northern coast please. Maybe we still do lame stuff up there too, but at least we have the decency to keep our racism private (except the old people, who of course do whatever they want). Hey dude, I appreciate that middle eastern food smells bad, but I'm not trying to hear about how the black kids are all from "bad families." uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I'm uncomfortable now, I think I'm gonna go study pathology and write an apology letter to Al Sharpton for you. He's still in charge of formal racism apologies right? Too much for me.
Well now that I've spent the past 2 days writing about religion and racism, I'm gonna go a little bit lighter here. I would like to give you another funny thing I found from reddit. Maybe even 2, depending on how I feel. This is a series of pictures that I saw last night while I was roaming the interwebs. Oh my is this funny. If you're in class, I recommend that you compose yourself fully before reading? this and then have some sort of object at hand to cover your face. Because you're about to enter the roflcopter and take a flight over to lmaosville. I hope that I've hyped this up enough so that you really think it's not funny anymore, aka the Big Lebowski effect. People do that with movies all the time, but I've never seen it crash so hard as it does with the Big Lebowski. You know who likes Big Lebowski? Not your girlfriend or your friend whose favorite movie is fight club. You know who does like big lebowski? your drug dealer. Rule #1 of the big lebowski--never watch it with anyone who has never seen it before. It's the worst. It's like watching a skate video with someone who doesnt skate. You're sitting there making the occasional "OH" or "woo!" sound and the other person is playing fruit ninja lite for the 200th time even though they've already got the highest score possible because they can't afford a dollar for the real thing. I know none of you skate but I'll assume you have some sort of correlating experience, even though I'm sure you're all shaking your head "no" right now. I hate you all.
I have come to the realization that grad school is the worst time I could have ever got a smartphone. I've devised a little equation here in the last 10 seconds and it goes a little something like this:
___(amount of studying I have to do)^2____ =GPA
amount of time on reddit on my phone
You see, as reddit approaches 0, my GPA approaches infinity, and as as reddit approaches infinity, my GPA approaches 0. However, I really just need to keep study time at about 3.6(reddit^2) so I can look smart to my parents. This is a very careful balancing act that mostly involves going on reddit. My current situation is sort of like in 2008 when the economy crashed and then we had like 25 other major crises (natural disasters, etc.) in like a 2 year period, and every time anyone would talk about it on the news, everything was "the perfect storm" of stuff coming together to destroy us all at once, but everybody knew that it was just a regular storm added to people being idiots. And I'm beginning to realize 2 things:
1) I put way too much stock in stuff John Stewart says, and
2) I'm an idiot just like everybody else
It's kind of nice knowing that I'm just as stupid as everybody else. For so long I had the burden of thinking that I was super smart and therefore had responsibility to actually do something useful with myself, but now I'm finding out that I just like looking at funny pictures on the internet. It's like a huge weight has been taken off my shoulders and it has been replaced with like 3 really soft puppies that are actually cumulatively the same weight as the other weight but they're so much cuter. Welp, I feel great now. Oh and here is the other thing from reddit I was gonna show you.
insanity wolf
really has to poop in class
and you know the rest.
So I was minding my own merry business yesterday, staring at some pathology words on a paper, all alone in my classroom because everyone else had left. It was in the early afternoon. One of my classmates, who shall remain nameless, entered the classroom and started talking to me. I decided to engage him back. So we get to talking, and by we I mean he told me all about himself for like 20 minutes and I smiled and nodded and gave some appropriate social feedback. Until we started talking about his old high school. So from there, he told me his school had a lot of Bosnian immigrants and inner city kids bussed in to attend, which didnt seem that out of the ordinary. He told me about the Bosnian kids and how they all smell bad and had "rice burner" cars, which I am looking up right now on urban dictionary because I don't know what it means. And I'm being told it's racist.
He then said that only about 30% of people from his high school went to college. I was sort of surprised, being from the snooty rich town that I'm from, since almost all of my friends, even the dumb ones, went to college. Then this person said to me, and I'm paraphrasing for the most part, but I'm gonna put it in quotes here for effect, "I don't know about the Bosnians or black kids, but out of all my white friends, you know, the people from good families, like 30% went to college." Yay racism! Dude didn't even flinch. And he's just some normal guy too. Here is how I felt, and here is how I looked. Straight poker faced him. Gotta love blatant, unapologetic racism. Except the opposite. Get me back to a northern coast please. Maybe we still do lame stuff up there too, but at least we have the decency to keep our racism private (except the old people, who of course do whatever they want). Hey dude, I appreciate that middle eastern food smells bad, but I'm not trying to hear about how the black kids are all from "bad families." uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I'm uncomfortable now, I think I'm gonna go study pathology and write an apology letter to Al Sharpton for you. He's still in charge of formal racism apologies right? Too much for me.
Well now that I've spent the past 2 days writing about religion and racism, I'm gonna go a little bit lighter here. I would like to give you another funny thing I found from reddit. Maybe even 2, depending on how I feel. This is a series of pictures that I saw last night while I was roaming the interwebs. Oh my is this funny. If you're in class, I recommend that you compose yourself fully before reading? this and then have some sort of object at hand to cover your face. Because you're about to enter the roflcopter and take a flight over to lmaosville. I hope that I've hyped this up enough so that you really think it's not funny anymore, aka the Big Lebowski effect. People do that with movies all the time, but I've never seen it crash so hard as it does with the Big Lebowski. You know who likes Big Lebowski? Not your girlfriend or your friend whose favorite movie is fight club. You know who does like big lebowski? your drug dealer. Rule #1 of the big lebowski--never watch it with anyone who has never seen it before. It's the worst. It's like watching a skate video with someone who doesnt skate. You're sitting there making the occasional "OH" or "woo!" sound and the other person is playing fruit ninja lite for the 200th time even though they've already got the highest score possible because they can't afford a dollar for the real thing. I know none of you skate but I'll assume you have some sort of correlating experience, even though I'm sure you're all shaking your head "no" right now. I hate you all.
I have come to the realization that grad school is the worst time I could have ever got a smartphone. I've devised a little equation here in the last 10 seconds and it goes a little something like this:
___(amount of studying I have to do)^2____ =GPA
amount of time on reddit on my phone
You see, as reddit approaches 0, my GPA approaches infinity, and as as reddit approaches infinity, my GPA approaches 0. However, I really just need to keep study time at about 3.6(reddit^2) so I can look smart to my parents. This is a very careful balancing act that mostly involves going on reddit. My current situation is sort of like in 2008 when the economy crashed and then we had like 25 other major crises (natural disasters, etc.) in like a 2 year period, and every time anyone would talk about it on the news, everything was "the perfect storm" of stuff coming together to destroy us all at once, but everybody knew that it was just a regular storm added to people being idiots. And I'm beginning to realize 2 things:
1) I put way too much stock in stuff John Stewart says, and
2) I'm an idiot just like everybody else
It's kind of nice knowing that I'm just as stupid as everybody else. For so long I had the burden of thinking that I was super smart and therefore had responsibility to actually do something useful with myself, but now I'm finding out that I just like looking at funny pictures on the internet. It's like a huge weight has been taken off my shoulders and it has been replaced with like 3 really soft puppies that are actually cumulatively the same weight as the other weight but they're so much cuter. Welp, I feel great now. Oh and here is the other thing from reddit I was gonna show you.
insanity wolf
really has to poop in class
and you know the rest.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
tebow and the pope and wrestling and such
I've been seeing a lot of articles about how it's bad to make fun of tim tebow for tebowing. And clearly the people writing these articles did not learn from when they got made fun of in elementary school. You know what's funny? Tebowing. You know what's funnier than that? Tebowing in the face of someone who is whining really loud about how bad it is to mock someone's religion. Remember when you were growing up and you were just doing weird stuff, minding your own business because you were 6 and 6 year olds do weird stuff? And then your brother said "Drew stop that it's really annoying"? What did you do? DO IT WAY HARDER. I believe I've made my point but I will continue to make it in the next paragraph.
Lately a lot of people have been saying stuff like "if tebow was a muslim you wouldn't do that" and "christians are the last group that it's ok to make fun of." Well, it's also ok to make fun of fat people so that 2nd point is moot. But as for the first point, you're right. But, if you want to make that argument and really make it work for you, I think you need to find some crazier extremists and bombard the media with them so everybody thinks that when you get messed with, a bunch of people die. Because nobody makes fun of the dude with the crazy cousin, no matter what's wrong with him. Personally if I was the christian King (Jesus?) I would choose radicalism. Go big or go home. Or as I always say, go big and then go home. But you're gonna have to choose your signature move. Stone Cold had the stunner, undertaker had the choke slam, the rock had the people's elbow. You're gonna have to get creative, christians. It's gotta be catchy. It's gonna start with "the." And it's gotta get the crowd going. How about the pope slam? Cross yourself with those 2 fingers and then hook under the dude's chin with those same fingers, and do like a submandibular triangle slam (but with both hands for balance because that's not a midsaggital triangle. It's just an idea (but an awesome one). Maybe I went too far with this. Or maybe not far enough.
You could have a whole wrestling crew and call it "the clergy" or something. Each of you can have different clergy names and you would all wear rosaries and instead of hitting people with chairs you use a big cross or a pew or something. Your leader can wear the pope hat and come out in a fake popemobile (Apparently popemobile is an accepted word by blogger.com by the way). You guys would be a hit. Your song that you come out to would be "amazing grace" or "jesus loves the little children" or better yet "I am a C" I would pay so much to see greased up dudes in bikini underwear wrestle to that song. In a totally straight way. I think.
Well I'm pretty sure this is the most offensive blog I've written so far. Haven't really come down this path before, so I guess we'll just have to see what happens here. Also not really sure why I went the wrestling route. But I like it. Time for some hummus and online TV reruns.
write about wrestling
link the anatomy terms--
instant board review
Lately a lot of people have been saying stuff like "if tebow was a muslim you wouldn't do that" and "christians are the last group that it's ok to make fun of." Well, it's also ok to make fun of fat people so that 2nd point is moot. But as for the first point, you're right. But, if you want to make that argument and really make it work for you, I think you need to find some crazier extremists and bombard the media with them so everybody thinks that when you get messed with, a bunch of people die. Because nobody makes fun of the dude with the crazy cousin, no matter what's wrong with him. Personally if I was the christian King (Jesus?) I would choose radicalism. Go big or go home. Or as I always say, go big and then go home. But you're gonna have to choose your signature move. Stone Cold had the stunner, undertaker had the choke slam, the rock had the people's elbow. You're gonna have to get creative, christians. It's gotta be catchy. It's gonna start with "the." And it's gotta get the crowd going. How about the pope slam? Cross yourself with those 2 fingers and then hook under the dude's chin with those same fingers, and do like a submandibular triangle slam (but with both hands for balance because that's not a midsaggital triangle. It's just an idea (but an awesome one). Maybe I went too far with this. Or maybe not far enough.
You could have a whole wrestling crew and call it "the clergy" or something. Each of you can have different clergy names and you would all wear rosaries and instead of hitting people with chairs you use a big cross or a pew or something. Your leader can wear the pope hat and come out in a fake popemobile (Apparently popemobile is an accepted word by blogger.com by the way). You guys would be a hit. Your song that you come out to would be "amazing grace" or "jesus loves the little children" or better yet "I am a C" I would pay so much to see greased up dudes in bikini underwear wrestle to that song. In a totally straight way. I think.
Well I'm pretty sure this is the most offensive blog I've written so far. Haven't really come down this path before, so I guess we'll just have to see what happens here. Also not really sure why I went the wrestling route. But I like it. Time for some hummus and online TV reruns.
write about wrestling
link the anatomy terms--
instant board review
Oh my
Welp I'm here studying pathology and I have a few thoughts on this subject. It is the worst. I'm essentially trying to memorize different types of anemia and cancer. Hey chiropractic school--there is a reason I didn't go to med school and it's not so I could learn all this crap anyway. Show of hands--how many of you have treated cancer with your bear hands (http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/funny-puns-my-bear-hands.jpg)? Like my new way of posting links from my phone? Pretty awesome huh? Copy and paste it you lazy bastards. Well back to the point. I would like to demonstrate to you all how I will be treating patients with cancer.
"well mr patient your x ray has some spots on it that could be cancer, so I will refer you to an oncologist now. Good luck with your cancer."
Boom treated. All without ever taking pathology 2 taught by miscellaneous med school professors. I'm not real happy about this. Time to go study again, but not before your haiku
Read pathology.
All words look the same to me
Chop my head off now
I just farted.
"well mr patient your x ray has some spots on it that could be cancer, so I will refer you to an oncologist now. Good luck with your cancer."
Boom treated. All without ever taking pathology 2 taught by miscellaneous med school professors. I'm not real happy about this. Time to go study again, but not before your haiku
Read pathology.
All words look the same to me
Chop my head off now
I just farted.
Monday, December 5, 2011
not in sleep mode yet
I made soup tonight after I reffed some soccer because it's real cold out. I put some goldfish in it, and I had a sad realization. Whole grain goldfish are nowhere near as good as the regular stuff. They're not the same crispy wonderful slightly cheesy snack I've grown to love so much. It's way harder and overall a huge disappointment. Good thing I only bought the biggest box they sell in normal grocery stores. Now I get to be disappointed for like 3 days while I stuff my face with letdown after letdown. I mean did you see that little girl's face? Blatantly mocking me. "Oh Drew you want regular godlfish? OOPS, I spilled some all over the floor. Looks like you can't have any of these because it's only OK for little kids like me to eat stuff off the floor. That must be so upsetting for you. I would offer you a tissue but I'm gonna need it to wipe all the cheesy goodness off of my hands and the places my tongue doesn't reach on my face that somehow I'll manage to get food on because I'm a small child and my motor control isn't very good. I still have to build some neural pathways before I'll be able to eat without getting crumbs in my eyebrows." I hate you.
So I have my first A of the semester, 4 days before finals starts. Thank you class for failing our first NMS test miserably so I got a whole bunch of free points that I really didnt need and making it super easy for me to cruise to an A. So far, so good. Doin it and doin it and doin it well.
Also, I was reading the new skateboarder magazine today and there's a section called "who's hot" where they do mini interviews to like 4 up and comers in skateboarding, and one of the questions was "what would you do if you won the lottery?" I started thinking what I would do, and I was pretty disappointed in my imagination. All my answers are really practical, with the exception of the like 3 cool things I would want to do with my hypothetical house (urinal in every bathroom, basement skatepark, hammock floor). And I've been disappointed in my ability to think of something funny for christmas this year (nothing plausible yet). I just have no creativity left I guess. My brain is slowly being stripped of all its glory by being force fed information in lecture 7 hours a day, and on top of that I'm definitely getting some early cold whininess. I would call it depression, but really it's just whininess. STOP IT DREW. YOU'RE BUMMING OUT THE READERS WITH YOUR DEPRESSING JIBBER JABBER. Do you ever wonder what Mr T is like in real life? Me neither.
Well it's just about that time where I'm gonna have to actually start buckling down and studying for finals because I feel guilty not learning all the crap they want me to learn. So I hope it doesn't cut into my blogging, but I can make no guarantees. Most of them will probably be mid-class short sweet nothings whispered into the deep tubes of the internets. So don't be upset with me for not giving you a mental break from your finals, because it takes about 15 times longer for me to write this crap than it does for you to read it. So I will now leave you with a meme, because there's only so many haikus you can write.
Ten minute Physio blog
Let's see if I can bang this thing out in fifteen minutes. Shouldn't be a problem since I only have one thing to talk about. Button fly pants. Here we go
So I bought my first pair of button fly pants last week and I feel like a total sellout. I have been fundamentally against button fly pants because they take so long to button up and because I thought they would take a long time to unbutton. Turns out only one of those things is true. Real easy to take off. A little....too easy. But still I feel at least 1/2 sold out. Fortunately, as I get older I've become better and better at suppressing shame and just doing whatever it is I feel like doing. But this is serious. Major ethical dilemma here. Does wearing pants that I have to button 5 times make me lame? My vote currently is still yes. Let's take a look at the facts shall we?
1) I write a blog on a regular basis
2) I bought a pair of button fly pants
3) I have ray ban glasses.
4) I like plaid
That's it. I've done it. I'm officially a lame hipster. what have I done? And not only that, I've made it clear that my inner monologue is gay. I think I should probably just get it over with and move to France and start wearing a beret and dress shoes with no socks. I'm the worst. I need some time to reflect on what my life has become. Here's your somewhat related haiku
Put on my new pants
Button button button stop.
Two more buttons left
So I bought my first pair of button fly pants last week and I feel like a total sellout. I have been fundamentally against button fly pants because they take so long to button up and because I thought they would take a long time to unbutton. Turns out only one of those things is true. Real easy to take off. A little....too easy. But still I feel at least 1/2 sold out. Fortunately, as I get older I've become better and better at suppressing shame and just doing whatever it is I feel like doing. But this is serious. Major ethical dilemma here. Does wearing pants that I have to button 5 times make me lame? My vote currently is still yes. Let's take a look at the facts shall we?
1) I write a blog on a regular basis
2) I bought a pair of button fly pants
3) I have ray ban glasses.
4) I like plaid
That's it. I've done it. I'm officially a lame hipster. what have I done? And not only that, I've made it clear that my inner monologue is gay. I think I should probably just get it over with and move to France and start wearing a beret and dress shoes with no socks. I'm the worst. I need some time to reflect on what my life has become. Here's your somewhat related haiku
Put on my new pants
Button button button stop.
Two more buttons left
Sunday, December 4, 2011
sunday sunday
Good day everyone. I say good day because it's technically still morning here in missouri for another 2 minutes but I don't want to offend those of you who are on the east coast and clearly are now in the afternoon. I would hate to inappropriately greet any of you. So good day. I said good day.
Finals start this week. Friday. It's about to go down. But before finals start, I would like to show you my new favorite goal of all time. I put it on facebook yesterday but I feel like I owe it a long-winded and hyperbolic breakdown. So here we go.
For whatever reason I think it's even funnier to watch this goal in what appears to be Turkish? I have no explanation why, but Turkish is just kinda funny to me. Does anyone know what turkish delight is? I'm gonna go ahead and google it and see what it looks like. Hold please. Well. That does not help at all. Oh you mean it's cubes with white powder on it? I completely understand what that is now! Thank you so much. But now onto the goal.
I'll hit the obvious point first. He's black. Now that we got that out of the way, can you honestly believe that goal? The score is 4-1 in the 89th minute, and the game is clearly done for, so what do you do? Shoulder in a ball that's already going in and try to intimidate the net off of the goal. His teammates are like "yay that was so cool I liked how you put the ball in the goal" and he is essentially Insanity Wolf. I finally understand what swag is. People have been using the term "swagger" wrong for like 5 years now. Whenever that song "swagger like us" came out, they clearly had no idea what they were talking about. I mean, they weren't even fly like the bees in the trees, and they had never seeen that goal because it was in the future and they're not Michael J Fox. I've never seen such authority in my entire life. Sports Authority has less authority over sports than Balotelli has over that goal. Mind--Blown. If there is one thing reddit has done for me that doesnt involve me wasting all of my time every day, it is giving me way more internet to put links to on this blog. Gotta love the blown mind gif. Do I understand it? Not really. Is it really funny? Yup.
This is my other new favorite meme. Oh what's that you're saying, internet? I'm a huge nerd now and you're not sure if you want to be friends with me anymore? I understand. But seriously, Neil Degrasse Tyson, astrophysicist and overall super smart and useful contributor to the earth, and he is best known for a black and white drawing of him with a quote next to him that he didn't say. That's the internet at its finest. I've been saying "watch out guys, we got a badass over here" to myself all the time recently. Unfortunately, the only person I know who gets it is only in like 3 of my classes now, so I'm essentially forever alone now. But hopefully this paragraph will help spread the word of the glory of Neil Degrasse Tyson and I won't have to makes jokes to myself all the time. So now you know.
So i saw Tim's facebook post about Harry Potter weekend from friday or saturday or whatever day it was, and I gotta say it made me real happy. Not only was it about harry potter and how awesome ABC family is for force feeding us harry potter movies because they know it's the only reason people watch ABC family, but also Tim is starting to write facebook statuses like how I write blogs. Here it is in its entirety.
"no idea how or why i'm awake right now... but the glory that is harry potter weekend is making it impossible to even consider going back to sleep. what's that you say? every 3rd weekend is harry potter weekend and it's ridiculous that you watch it almost every time? well i say to you, judgemental facebook status readers of the world, while your words are upsetting, i don't really care what you think. Filch all day."
Sound famlilar? Asking yourself questions that clearly nobody is actually asking because you're writing on your computer alone and then giving answers that you had already thought up? Anyone? Nobody? Tim loves me everyone! He reads my blog with such fervor that even my inner monologue is starting to penetrate his own. And not in a gay way. Unless you're into that. They're not real anyway so you can imagine them any way you want because they have no physical manifestation. So I guess what I'm saying here is that maybe my and Tim's inner monologues are gay for each other or something? I don't know. Time to eat breakfast. But first--your haiku
Finals start this week. Friday. It's about to go down. But before finals start, I would like to show you my new favorite goal of all time. I put it on facebook yesterday but I feel like I owe it a long-winded and hyperbolic breakdown. So here we go.
For whatever reason I think it's even funnier to watch this goal in what appears to be Turkish? I have no explanation why, but Turkish is just kinda funny to me. Does anyone know what turkish delight is? I'm gonna go ahead and google it and see what it looks like. Hold please. Well. That does not help at all. Oh you mean it's cubes with white powder on it? I completely understand what that is now! Thank you so much. But now onto the goal.
I'll hit the obvious point first. He's black. Now that we got that out of the way, can you honestly believe that goal? The score is 4-1 in the 89th minute, and the game is clearly done for, so what do you do? Shoulder in a ball that's already going in and try to intimidate the net off of the goal. His teammates are like "yay that was so cool I liked how you put the ball in the goal" and he is essentially Insanity Wolf. I finally understand what swag is. People have been using the term "swagger" wrong for like 5 years now. Whenever that song "swagger like us" came out, they clearly had no idea what they were talking about. I mean, they weren't even fly like the bees in the trees, and they had never seeen that goal because it was in the future and they're not Michael J Fox. I've never seen such authority in my entire life. Sports Authority has less authority over sports than Balotelli has over that goal. Mind--Blown. If there is one thing reddit has done for me that doesnt involve me wasting all of my time every day, it is giving me way more internet to put links to on this blog. Gotta love the blown mind gif. Do I understand it? Not really. Is it really funny? Yup.
This is my other new favorite meme. Oh what's that you're saying, internet? I'm a huge nerd now and you're not sure if you want to be friends with me anymore? I understand. But seriously, Neil Degrasse Tyson, astrophysicist and overall super smart and useful contributor to the earth, and he is best known for a black and white drawing of him with a quote next to him that he didn't say. That's the internet at its finest. I've been saying "watch out guys, we got a badass over here" to myself all the time recently. Unfortunately, the only person I know who gets it is only in like 3 of my classes now, so I'm essentially forever alone now. But hopefully this paragraph will help spread the word of the glory of Neil Degrasse Tyson and I won't have to makes jokes to myself all the time. So now you know.
So i saw Tim's facebook post about Harry Potter weekend from friday or saturday or whatever day it was, and I gotta say it made me real happy. Not only was it about harry potter and how awesome ABC family is for force feeding us harry potter movies because they know it's the only reason people watch ABC family, but also Tim is starting to write facebook statuses like how I write blogs. Here it is in its entirety.
"no idea how or why i'm awake right now... but the glory that is harry potter weekend is making it impossible to even consider going back to sleep. what's that you say? every 3rd weekend is harry potter weekend and it's ridiculous that you watch it almost every time? well i say to you, judgemental facebook status readers of the world, while your words are upsetting, i don't really care what you think. Filch all day."
Sound famlilar? Asking yourself questions that clearly nobody is actually asking because you're writing on your computer alone and then giving answers that you had already thought up? Anyone? Nobody? Tim loves me everyone! He reads my blog with such fervor that even my inner monologue is starting to penetrate his own. And not in a gay way. Unless you're into that. They're not real anyway so you can imagine them any way you want because they have no physical manifestation. So I guess what I'm saying here is that maybe my and Tim's inner monologues are gay for each other or something? I don't know. Time to eat breakfast. But first--your haiku
gay monologues drew?
that's really where you're going?
have seat over there.
They call me the Chris Hansen incorporator. Also remember when that guy got caught diddling?
Blog Tub Time Machine.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
writing this while sweaty on the floor in my room
I've gone skateboarding for 3 days in a row now. GREAT choice on my part. Today I had the little kindergarten class watching me through the windows, just making the teachers' jobs so much easier. Hey teachers, where's my cut? You're supposed to be occupying these kids' minds here, and I'm doing it for you. How bout a tip or something? A guy's gotta eat. Even though mom and dad pay for all my food, I gotta drink right? I mean I'm only 22 here. I have like 7 more years before it starts to get lame that I still binge drink and skateboard. And then obviously it gets really cool again right after that. Just look at that guy. But really. I'm serious. I deserve a tip or something. 40 minutes of entertainment earns me at least like 2 or 3 bucks per teacher. And that's lowballing myself. My time is valuable. I mean I'm here doing your job when I need to be blogging, watching tv on the internet, and putting off studying till this weekend. I mean I have an exhausting schedule here. At least offer to do my laundry or something.
Today I saw a picture of a bug that is so big that it can eat full sized carrots. I should warn you. That link goes to the bug. and it is a large. I would call it a large bug. And since when do bugs have mouths that big? I really only have one question for you all though. How hard would you stomp that bug? I would stomp it harder than I have ever stomped anything in my life. You remember in American History X when ed norton stomped that dude's face? Or when Albert haynesworth stomped that dude when he played for the titans? I would stomp that bug about 100000000X harder than that. It would make the most satisfying crunch. Like no crunch you've ever heard. You would never be able to get that sound out of your head. I bet it would echo. You'd have to wear boots though. And like those gallagher ponchos to avoid all the juice. You would have to have like a warrior cry too. I would definitely go with the howard dean BYAAA! Oh my someone get me this bug so I can BYAA the crap out of it. I watch the L word on showtime. BYA
But seriously. How big is that bug? Do you think it's even real? I mean it's on the internet so it has to be, but is it real? How does a bug evolve to be that big? Don't exoskeletons get inefficiently heavy at that size? And WHO IS OK WITH HOLDING THAT THING IN THEIR HAND? I get that some people aren't grossed out by spiders and stuff (like Zisk. Nerves of steel that one), but who was like "hold that bug? yeah no problem I've seen bigger." NO YOU HAVENT. I've seen dinosaurs smaller than that. That bug is like the size of the smallest person. If that thing can fly I might just kill myself right now so I never have to see it fly at me. If tha can fly I'm carrying a tennis racket with me all the time now so I can slice and dice that thing in one swoop. Hopefully they're dumb like cicadas and fly really slowly right at you so you can dominate them right out of the air and then BYA them. I mean that thing is a monster. Literally. There is a new genus in the animal kingdom and it is "monstrus" and that bug is the only thing in it.
Saying "monstrus" last paragraph made me really miss the dining hall in college when me and zisk would make the monstrosity on burger night. The best strosity. Double cheeseburger with two layers of fries in it. essentially a big mac with fries in it. That is why I put on weight in college. And then immediately lost it because I hate being fat. In one of my classes we had to write about what cues we have to make us exercise. I wrote something along the lines of "I can feel myself getting fatter and I can feel my skin folding over onto itself and it makes me want to puke so then I go work out and stop eating so much." Not those words exactly but something like that. That has to be my least favorite feeling. My stomach skin folding up on itself and touching other things. I'd rather have that bug crawl all over me and I immediately take that back I don't want that bug near me. Unless it's under my boot. I can see it now. I'm imagining the perfect stomp. Sports psychology here. Knee comes up to my chest, I see the bug look up at me with the carrot in its mouth, then BYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA and its intestines mash out from under my boot and i squish it and the crunch is so satisfying. Get me this bug but really keep it away from me but I wanna squish it so bad. Here's your haiku
giant carrot bug
i would like to squish your head
and see you go dead
Today I saw a picture of a bug that is so big that it can eat full sized carrots. I should warn you. That link goes to the bug. and it is a large. I would call it a large bug. And since when do bugs have mouths that big? I really only have one question for you all though. How hard would you stomp that bug? I would stomp it harder than I have ever stomped anything in my life. You remember in American History X when ed norton stomped that dude's face? Or when Albert haynesworth stomped that dude when he played for the titans? I would stomp that bug about 100000000X harder than that. It would make the most satisfying crunch. Like no crunch you've ever heard. You would never be able to get that sound out of your head. I bet it would echo. You'd have to wear boots though. And like those gallagher ponchos to avoid all the juice. You would have to have like a warrior cry too. I would definitely go with the howard dean BYAAA! Oh my someone get me this bug so I can BYAA the crap out of it. I watch the L word on showtime. BYA
But seriously. How big is that bug? Do you think it's even real? I mean it's on the internet so it has to be, but is it real? How does a bug evolve to be that big? Don't exoskeletons get inefficiently heavy at that size? And WHO IS OK WITH HOLDING THAT THING IN THEIR HAND? I get that some people aren't grossed out by spiders and stuff (like Zisk. Nerves of steel that one), but who was like "hold that bug? yeah no problem I've seen bigger." NO YOU HAVENT. I've seen dinosaurs smaller than that. That bug is like the size of the smallest person. If that thing can fly I might just kill myself right now so I never have to see it fly at me. If tha can fly I'm carrying a tennis racket with me all the time now so I can slice and dice that thing in one swoop. Hopefully they're dumb like cicadas and fly really slowly right at you so you can dominate them right out of the air and then BYA them. I mean that thing is a monster. Literally. There is a new genus in the animal kingdom and it is "monstrus" and that bug is the only thing in it.
Saying "monstrus" last paragraph made me really miss the dining hall in college when me and zisk would make the monstrosity on burger night. The best strosity. Double cheeseburger with two layers of fries in it. essentially a big mac with fries in it. That is why I put on weight in college. And then immediately lost it because I hate being fat. In one of my classes we had to write about what cues we have to make us exercise. I wrote something along the lines of "I can feel myself getting fatter and I can feel my skin folding over onto itself and it makes me want to puke so then I go work out and stop eating so much." Not those words exactly but something like that. That has to be my least favorite feeling. My stomach skin folding up on itself and touching other things. I'd rather have that bug crawl all over me and I immediately take that back I don't want that bug near me. Unless it's under my boot. I can see it now. I'm imagining the perfect stomp. Sports psychology here. Knee comes up to my chest, I see the bug look up at me with the carrot in its mouth, then BYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA and its intestines mash out from under my boot and i squish it and the crunch is so satisfying. Get me this bug but really keep it away from me but I wanna squish it so bad. Here's your haiku
giant carrot bug
i would like to squish your head
and see you go dead
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