big ole kick in the nuts.

herro everyone.  Back to the blog today.  Not sure where to start today.  No real content for today, so let's just have some fun.  Maybe my tiredness will be inspiration for a totally awesome blog.  Probably not.  Expect mediocrity today.

You know what's weird?  I have a way harder time getting up in the morning when I've had an adequate amount of sleep.  Last night I got roughly 3 hours and I was super awake till like 1:00 today.  Two days ago I got like 9 hours and I couldn't get out of bed.  I tried really hard too.  I think anything more than like 7 hours of sleep gives me a temporary spinal cord lesion at my ventral horns at about L1.  No leg movement possible.  Arrow down.  Deficit.  Hyporeflexia.  All that jawn.

I'm thinking about taking a bath, but I think it'll be really awkward.  I remember it being a lot harder to wash myself while laying down than while standing up.  Plus it's weirdly quiet.  You can like hear your skin squish the water around and stuff.  You would think that a bath would just be like a tiny personal pool, but it's really not that cool.  Plus I'm way too tall for baths now.  I can't lay down, and the back of the bath doesn't let you sit and lean back.  \______/  is not a good structure for sitting when there is no friction.  Friction is the force that drives life people.  Don't you ever forget it.  All I really need in my life is mu and the transitive property.  It's not magic people.  It's science.  and also math.  and really science is just applied math at one level or another so we'll just go with it's math.  From now on I'm living only in binary.

1100101111110010100010101101001010010010100010101

Get it? Do you see what I did there?  YOU HAD TO HAVE SEEN IT!

So I feel like I should touch on the red sox, since this is a missouri based blog.  The red sox choked big time.  And at some weird level it was actually refreshing.  It's not that I'm psyched that the sox lost, but I like when weird stuff happens in sports.  Sports are so bland these days that it's kinda refreshing to get that metaphorical kick in the nuts.  And the best part about the metaphorical kick in the nuts is that you get all the wake up without any testicular tissue damage.  None of that weird pain that slowly creeps up into your large intestine and tugs on your ileocecal valve, then slowly moves into the small intestine where almost all of the absorption from your food, and in this case ball pain, happens.  Then that kick in the nuts goes across the apical membrane and across the basolateral membrane and into lymph with the chylomicrons, and it drains into your heart where it gets pumped to the rest of your body and then you throw up and pass out.  I saw a good example of the transitive property on google images but I didn't like the image, just the text, and it seems applicable here.  Not that applicable but just enough so. 

Knowledge=power
bombs=power
knowledge=bombs

Consider yourself knowledge bombed.

Here's your haiku:

this blog was ok
gimme a freaking break here
it's been a long week.

Did I mention getting kicked in the nuts hurts?  It's probably the funniest pain, which makes sense because it's the funniest injury.  My favorite moment when I get hit in the nuts is the 4-5 seconds when it doesn't really hurt and you think you're gonna be ok.  Then just like old faithful you get that creep I so accurately described above.  My favorite ball hit of all time happened my junior year of high school.  My boy JGav got rocked from like 5 feet on a ball that was going the width of the field.  He went down, got back up and jogged three steps, then just fell down.  Textbook.  You hear that Kristen?  It was a textbook nut shot.  Textbook.  Textbook.  It is as if he read a book of text about how you should take a testicle injury and then followed the directions.  In sports they call that a textbook play.  I'll say it one more time before I go.

textbook.

I hope Kristen reads this blog because I don't think anyone else will get this joke.

let's go south korea

I'm watching the red sox tonight which is weird because I haven't really been into sports recently, but since it's essentially a do or die game I'll have to write this between half innings.  be prepared for  thought processes that make less sense than usual.

Here is my first thought for the day:  I need a sleeveless turtleneck.  For whatever reason my Ortho professor brought those up today.  I want one that looks like this but has a turtleneck.  I think it's important that I make this investment, and soon.  It will solve my perpetual "warm trunk and arms cold neck" dilemma.  I can't tell you how many times I have had that problem.  Actually yes I can. Zero.  Nobody has ever had that problem.  But now I will try to give myself that problem.  I wish I was really good at photoshop so I could make all these weird ideas come to life.  Hey somebody who is good at photoshop:  make that Tebow picture into a turtleneck and send it to me.  Come on South Korea.  I know you're reading my blog, and you guys probably kill it at photoshop.  Help a brother out here.

Did you guys know that Jacoby Ellsbury hit 32 homers this season?  Are you kidding me?  What a freak.  Dude is like the fastest guy in baseball and now apparently he's a homerun hitter.  Plus he's super dreamy, and part native american, who everyone knows are my favorite indigenous peoples.  Pay that guy whatever he wants Theo.  Tell him that if he gets rid of Drew Rosenhaus he can name his price.  And that is all I have to say about baseball.

I tried chocolate milk on my frosted flakes today.  Not that good.  I probably woulda loved it when I was a kid, but it was too much sugar for me now.  Kinda made me feel sick.  I did get another good idea from my girl Erica.  The idea?  Try other cereals.  So I will be conducting a study:  Which non-chocolate flavored cereals taste the best when consumed with chocolate milk instead of regular milk?  Up next:  whatever it is I buy next.  I know you said fruity pebbles Erica, but I don't really eat those and I'm hesitant to buy a whole box.

I just made baked potatoes.  Jealous?  Ya you are.  They call me the Copper Chef, because I'm somewhat more pliable and a far better electrical conductor than the Iron Chef.  I'm less susceptible to magnetism, but what are you gonna do?  We each have strengths and weaknesses.  My weakness is an inability to be polarized by flux.  If that didn't make sense to you, don't worry because I'm not sure that what I said is even a little bit true.  But they do call me the copper chef.  Apparently that's a thing already.  Not really sure what this picture is about, but somebody took the time to make that Copper Chef poster for me so I'll have to go find out.  Is somebody gonna eat that fish or something?  Do you think that episode of House is possible where the kid swallows a toothpick while he's strokin in the back seat of a car and then starts bleeding all over his insides and for some reason he forgets that he swallowed a toothpick and eventually House figures it out at the end?  What I'm asking is could one of those tiny fish bones stab your intestines and make House think you're going to die?

Alright, time for some homework and soul searching.  Typical Wednesday night.  Here's your haiku

red sox play tonight
hope they limp into playoffs
limp on down the street

apparently afroman is touring in wyoming.  i bet he's got a huge following there.

I know I missed monday but today I am writing a blog.

The latest search to bring someone to my blog:

"poop in a can"

Who is searching for poop in a can?  Probably Zisk.  Get back to work Zisk, your boss isn't paying you to find poop in a can pictures on the internet/find my blog in weird ways from canada to make me laugh.  But I do appreciate it.  Please continue.

Got to skate my new box today.  IT'S SICK.  Love my life right now.  Took a sick nap during nutrition, mouth all flopped open and everything.  Haven't slept that hard in god knows how long.  Gotta love embarrassing nap positions.  That's essentially what we do in grad school.  I love being in a big class sitting in the back.  You can get away with literally anything.

You know what I thought would be cool today?  If I could swallow a cell phone and have it ring from inside my GI.  Here are the conditions under which I would swallow a phone:
1) It would have to be small enough so that I could poop it out without any major problems.
2) It would be in a bag that would be undigestable so I wouldn't get mercury or whatever is in phones inside me
3) It would be on vibrate so I could feel what it's like to have something vibrate in my stomach.  That would be awesome

If I could get a guarantee that those would happen I would definitely do it.  I think those are reasonable stipulations.  No painful poops and no poisoning.  The vibrate thing is negotiable, but I think that should be easy enough.  What do you think would be the best songs to have playing out from your stomach?  My vote is for "total eclipse of the heart."  That's just a funny song for any occasion.  Do you think Bonnie Taylor thought that her heartfelt love ballad would turn into a hilarious song for so many people?  It must suck to be really serious and then have people laugh.  That is why I have such a serious blog.  Because it is important that somewhere down the line people can look at how serious I was and make fun of me behind my back.  It's the circle of life.

Speaking of which, I haven't seen Lion King 3D yet.  Anna if you're reading this, I know it's a shocker to you that Lion King came out in 3D recently, but believe it!  It's true!  You heard it from me first (this is funny because she told me about it).  I love Lion King.  I identify most with Mufasa I think.  Or Timon.  Which should probably be pronounced "tie-min" because it's spelled like Simon just with a T.  Timon and Mufasa are closer in character than you realize.  It's deep.  Don't worry about it.

This next paragraph is dedicated to a conversation I had today

So I was talking to my girl Erica today, and I asked her if she had ever had cereal with chocolate milk.  She said only when she had cocoa puffs, and I decided that's not good enough.  So tomorrow morning I am going to make chocolate milk with nestle chocolate powder (not with chocolate syrup because I don't have any and I haven't had chocolate milk with syrup in years, and honestly I remember it being way too much work than it's worth) and then pour it over my frosted flakes.  I will give you an update tomorrow regarding how good it is, but I am expecting it to be FREAKING AWESOME.

I gotta shower now because my butt is all sweaty and I gotta go to trivia soon, but here's your haiku, followed by a segment of "Tim's German Haiku."  No luck on "out of context one-liners" today because I was in lab most of the day and it's harder to have one-liners in lab.  Actually here is something I said out loud first that was kind of funny.  Actually I shouldn't put that on the internet.  Probably a bad idea.  Yay for discretion!

i almost messed up
and violated HIPPA
instead I didn't

take it away Tim!

back

Kansas is just like Missouri.  Surprise surprise.  Given we were only like 15 minutes across the border, but it's the same.  Who would have thought that two midwestern states with such similar geography and climate could be so similar?

So I had some fun this weekend, and also some not so fun.  Learned some good stuff, learned some stuff I don't care about.  But I guess that's why you play the game.  And by play the game I mean go to technique seminars.  Because you never know what you'll like or not like.  Also sometimes you just gotta blast SI joints and CT junctions all day.  My spine will never recover.

I was watching Saturday Night Live last night and to my surprise it was really funny!  Given Alec Baldwin was the host so it had to be good because that guy is a super boss.  By the way, do yourself a favor and watch National Geographic Channel's Road to Infinity narrated by Alec Baldwin.  Your mind will be blown.  There is no way they can know that much about space.  Come on Alec, don't lie to me.  We can't even send a person to Mars but we know about individual stars galaxies away?  You ain't got to lie Alec, you ain't got to lie.  Tell me about nebulas and those giant fire ring things all you want but don't act like you know about white dwarf 32b459t in the pinwheel galaxy. 

But anyway, about SNL, they played this game that I thought was going to be celebrity jeopardy but turned out to be called "Who's on Top?" which, as you may or may not have guessed by the title depending on if you have seen this skit or how perverted your mind is, is a hypothetical game about if two celebrities had gay sex who would be on top.  THAT is a funny game.  Alec Baldwin was really good at it.  I know it was scripted and all, but I was really impressed with his gay sex position determination skills.  I guess that's why he is head of the Film Actor's Guild.

Well I really need to go exercise somehow and also study, because I have a pathology test on Tuesday.  That should be un-fun.  But for now, I will console you with a haiku

driving to kansas
there are lots of porno stores
that are arcades too

They call me the ice cream swindler

early post today

Well guys, today I'm leaving for Kansas after soccer this afternoon, so I figured I would get in a post before I went out for all of your sakes.  I just have a few things to talk about.  But I really like one of them.  I'm gonna start with that one.

Did you know they make flavored exam gloves?  For real.  For little kids and stuff I guess.  Apparently regular latex tastes really bad.  I think if I walked into a doctor's office and saw that he had a bunch of different flavored gloves on his desk I would just turn around and leave right away, like that time at the Shluge's party.  Also, I think if I walked into a doctor's office and she had a bunch of different flavored gloves in her desk I would ask about it, and then probably still leave.  Actually I might ask to try one, just to see.  Curiosity may have killed the cat, but the worst it's ever done for me is embarrassment.  Do you think they taste like jolly ranchers or something?  Do you think they're made in the same place as flavored condoms?  Do you think they ever made like a glove-condom hybrid?  Like with roll up fingers, kinda like those mitten/glove hobo things, but instead of flipping the mitten part up they have the fingers roll out.  Like individual finger mitten things.  Is this making sense?  Also I'm clearly gonna need some of those hobo gloves for winter blogging.  Someone help me with that.  BUY ME THINGS READERS.

Today in class, I was playing with my gum to entertain myself.  I like squeezed it between my lips so it stuck to both my lips and like stretched out and stuff (ya dig [by the way that's Logan speak for "that's what she said"]).  I felt like Neo in the matrix when he wants his phone call and the Matrix guy tells him "how are you going to make a phone call if you are unable to speaK?  And he says that really hard K and sounds like a big douche, and then neo's mouth starts to like fuse together.

If we didn't have mouth openings, do you think it would be possible to eat through your nose?  Like if surgical intervention weren't possible do you think somebody could just like huck food lugies through their nose and swallow?  I mean, assuming we still had all the internal mouth structures somehow.  I know this is a weird hypothetical but I think this is a relevant question to the narrative of this blog.  Don't ask annoying questions like "what kind of trauma or disease would get you that problem Drew?" just think about it.  No mouth hole, no surgery possible.  How much food do you think you could eat through your nose?  Really. Would you just have to be continuously "eating" stuff?  probably right?  That's a competition I want to see.  I'm gonna start making some calls.  NEF=nose eating federation.  Expect a huge contract with ESPN in the next few years.  I feel something huge coming.  Ok that was just a fart, but really this is a good idea.

Here's your latest installment of "out of context one-liners"
-ya, I have a question.  Are you shitting me?

That's it for today.  Here's your haiku.

when you next chew gum
try to get it in your mouth
through nasopharynx

See you guys Monday, or maybe Sunday evening.  Herro Kansas.

101 blogmations

guys, I have personally read my post from yesterday twice, and I have 2 thoughts:

1) I am awesome
2) My internal narrative has terrible grammar

This semester I decided to change my seat, which so far has been pretty good.  My only problem is that I don't really sit by anyone that I can make comments to throughout lecture.  I used to sit by Alex, but since he's not in my class for the most part I felt like that seat held too many memories and I would be haunted by them if I stayed.  So, I made a decision today that I think will make for good blog material.  Here is an experimental new segment called "Out of context one-liners."

1) "I've vaporized some lube in my day"
2) "not if you get botox"

Expect a lot more of those in the future, because I really didn't decide to start doing this till like 10:00 today which sounds pretty early until you realize that I've already had 3 of my 7 thursday classes by then.  I wake up before the sun comes up now, so that's pretty exciting.

Yesterday I played soccer with people from school for the first time this semester, and it was fun.  After playing sports with these people for a year now, they still have not comprehended my sweatiness.  I'm being told sweatiness is not a word, but I'm sticking with it.  Now let me say first of all that I don't blame them.  I'm a freak.  I'm hardly used to it myself.  It's very confusing how I can lose that much water on a day to day basis and not be dead.  I don't really remember what my second of all was going to be.

I have added more decorations to my wall.  Don't worry, it's not another toilet paper roll.  That won't be for another 6 weeks or so.  No, this is real art.  As you may recall, I have recently acquired the nickname "the pig whisperer."  What I may have not told the rest of you is that I was given what I will call a certificate of my pig whispering that very same night.  So here it is, everyone.  The newest decoration on my wall.  Posting this picture has literally taken me 20 minutes because photo booth takes pictures backwards and for whatever reason it won't save as is after I flip it.  Stupid old computer and your inability to do easy things.  Before you get to see it I'm going to tell you what I ended up having to do to get it to save in the right orientation.  Stupid preview.

I took the picture, made it full screen, took a screen shot, opened the picture of the picture, then cropped that picture to make it look like the original picture, and then saved it so I could upload it.  OK that sounds not that hard but it's annoying and I'm entitled because I'm in generation Y.  Here's the picture of my glorious new wall art.

Notice how the pig with the stegosaurus tail is labeled "pig" so I know what animal I am whispering.  This was cause of much debate about whether or not the label was necessary, and whether or not I was confused by the label.  When push came to shove, it didn't matter because they also call me the decider and I decided the point was moot.

When I'm rich, in the winter I'm going to figure out how to have fake sun in my room when I wake up.  This waking up in the dark stuff is crap.  I'm gonna have to sync up my alarm clock to a lamp or something, or just get an artificial sun.  Whichever is easier, I'm not picky.  I just want an artificial sun.  Right Brit?  I just want my own personal source of light, heat, and energy that sustains life on a planet.  I just want one of those. 

It's laundry time now.  Gotta go fetch las ropas.  That's probably spanish for clothes.  I learned that word in the 7th grade, so it could have changed since then.  After all, if I learned it in the 7th grade it must have been invented then.  By the way, thanks for all the positive feedback on my shart story.  I'll be sure to tell more stories like it whenever they happen

going to kansas
leave tomorrow afternoon.
wait. kansas? really?

That's right folks.  In the past 3 months, I will have been to arkansas, alaska, and kansas.  What am I doing with my life?

blog #100

and oh boy do I have a doozy of a story to tell all of you.  Here are all the details to how I ghost sharted today.

So.  During lunch today I had to be at the soccer booth for club day, so we can get everybody's email and stuff so we can coordinate stuff, and about halfway through the 2 hours I was supposed to be there I realized I had to poop.  Not a big deal, I was potty trained at least like 10 years ago so I can hold it.  So I leave club day as I usually do, with a full free pizza in hand, and I swing by my class to grab my keys so I can put my pizza in my car.  Here is where this story gets good.  NEW PARAGRAPH

So as I'm walking to my car, I decide its time to fart.  So I'm step farting along, happy as can be.  I feel one little fart left over and so I decide to squeeze it out.  In the business, we call that "gambling."  well folks, I gambled, and I was COMPLETELY sure that I lost.  I felt a little liquid squish come out, hell I even heard it a little bit.  So obviously I start loling all by myself, which I'm starting to realize I do way too often.  I can kinda feel the wetness afterward, but I wasn't really sure if it was significant enough to be able to see it, since I was wearing black underwear today and I have a naturally sweaty butt almost all the time.  OK all the time.  So I head on over to the bathroom, half because I wanted to check so I could confirm a few texts that I had sent out, and half because I still really needed to poop.  Take into account that this is right after class had started so I figured nobody would really be in the bathroom.  NEW PARAGRAPH

There are 5 people in the bathroom, including a guy in the stall next to me.  I'll spare you all the details of my poop because for some reason I think that describing my poop is less socially acceptable than describing my shart.  Probably has something to do with rarity, or maybe there's just no social protocols on sharting yet because it's such an unexplored concept. let's just say the Gods of my GI tract have not been pleased with my offerings.  Also, I was wearing glasses today, and I decided that after I washed my hands I wanted to rinse off my face.  So I took my glasses off and rinsed my face off, only to hear someone else walk in and say to me "you were just outside like a second ago."  For those of you who don't know, I am essentially blind without glasses, so I had no idea who was talking.  Instinct takes over and I say back "well, I am very fast."  I put my glasses back on and saw that it is a guy that I am kind of friendly with.  Honestly I don't even remember his name right now.  But here is what I said next.  NEW PARAGRAPH

Just to be clear, I didn't say new paragraph. 

I said "you know, in college they called me fast poop Lowey."
"wait, what?"
"nothing. bye"

And such concludes the story of my shart and subsequent bathroom experience.  Also I would like to add that there was no visible poop in my underwear, so while I am certain that I gambled and lost, there was no concrete evidence of the loss.  No solid evidence whatsoever (see what I did there?).

WOW.  What a 100th blog.  I would like to thank some people for helping me along the way to this 100th post.  First of all, I would like to thank the internet gods, without whom none of this would be possible.  Secondly I would like to thank all 8 of my loyal followers and Zack I guess too, who I assume never reads this even though he is a "follower," because he hasn't said anything about the story I wrote on here about the other time I pooped my pants as an adult.  I would also like to thank my readers that are not official followers, aka Alicia, Anna, and all those people that clicked the link on Tim's facebook.  I would like to make babies with you all, although I realize very few of you could still be attracted to me after reading this post.  And also probably last post.  Ah, whatever, Ill trick somebody into it someday.  Lastly I would like to thank pumpkin beer for accompanying me through the epic that was this story.  Although technically I would need about 900 more pages for it to be considered an epic, I think this is the most I've written since the 11th grade so I'll take it and none of you can do anything about it because this is my blog and none of you know my gmail password.  Also I would like to say to all of you one thing.  You're welcome.

I write hundred posts
couldn't ask for better time
to gamble and lose.

something else funny happened today, but I can't remember because this shart is completely engulfing my train of thought.  Oh you know what I hate? people whining about new facebook formats.  Hey bro, stop acting like you can't figure out new facebook.  "eh, I want old facebook back because it was SO much better."  SHUT UP. SHUT. UP. SHUTUP.  You're just like me and you spend like 5 hours a day on the computer and clearly if you're still posting something on facebook you can figure it out.  you're just playing into zuckerberg's hand.  Dude knows that there's no such thing as bad press.  There's nothing zuckerberg wants more than for there to be a serial killer called the "facebook killer."  Because that's gonna mean like 10 million more users and a billion dollars in advertising, not to mention that he gets to go on TV and shamelessly plug facebook while he half heartedly condemns murder in a really confusing way.  "Just to be clear, facebook does not kill, so I don't approve of the nickname the media is giving this serial killer.  Facebook does nothing but bring together old friends, make it easier to stay connected, and share special moments with loved ones far from home.  Murder is not cool like facebook is.  Murder doesn't have a new user-friendly interface, or an all new revamped groups application, the ability to upload HD video, or the all new 'facebook killer tracker' app, so you can stay updated on where the most recent facebook murder has taken place.  It's OK for me to call him the facebook killer, because I am facebook.  It's ok when I say it, but it's totally not cool for you to say it because then it's offensive.  Wait, what were we talking about again?"

Freaking zuckerberg.  I'm gonna hire that guy to promote my practice.  I'll blow up like the whole world did in the movie 2012, which I coincidentally watched today after monday's rant about the Mayans.

Wow this blog has been a beast.  You're welcome everyone, because you just got a double blog.

They call me the blogosaurus.  DUDE how sick is that dinosaur show gonna be?  I freaking love dinosaurs.  So dope.  This blog took freaking forever.  The call me fast poop lowey

guess what time it is!

Everyone--it's my favorite time of year.  It's not because football is starting, or because baseball playoffs are around the corner, or anything sports related.  Not weather related.  Not school related.  Not long lists of things that are not related related.  No my friends, sack races will not be held on consecutive sundays, because we will all be drunk because it's PUMPKIN BEER SEASON.  The greatest of the seasons. 

The tradition of pumpkin beer goes back to, who else, ze germans in 1365, when the great beer maker Hanz von Greten accidentally dropped 100 pumpkins off of his 16th floor apartment into the vat of beer that was being brewed inconveniently at the bottom of the fire escape.  He was too scared to tell anyone because pumpkins were outlawed in 1365 Germany, whose national vegetable at the time was the squash--pumpkin's arch vegetable nemesis according to folk tales at the time.  When the beer was finished, it had a curious orange hue, but nobody really cared because it was before the german beer purity law, or "Reinheitsgebot" of 1516.  When the beer had fermented properly in early September of the next year, they drank the orange beer and were overcome with joy, for they had never tasted such a glorious beverage.  It was brought to the king or whatever germany had at that point and he declared it "Ze Greatest Beer In All Of Ze World."  And it was.  And that, my friends, is the story of how pumpkin beer was first discovered.  It also shows that pumpkins were, in fact, native to europe and not to America and suggests that the pilgrims really showed the native americans how to farm and stuff and that they should be grateful that we gave them casinos and they should really stop whining. 


Just kidding Native Americans.  You guys are great and I'm sorry about the small pox.


When I wrote the title to this post, I thought for a second that maybe I should put a question mark.  But then I realized that's stupid and I wasn't asking a question.  I was demanding that you guess.  Just because I want you to ask me when time it is doesn't mean I should put my demands in question form.  You will guess in a quizzical tone of voice and you will like it.  But I realize I already told you what time it is, so this point is now moot.


Well I'm sorry to cut this blog short but I gotta go now because I'm building a new grind box with my boy the Wass.  It's gonna be sick.  4x7x1.  Those are the dimensions, not some inside joke that I made up today.  Here's your haiku, hopefully my crew of poem writing commenters will join me in writing about pumpkin beer or germany or something like that.  Clearly now that I have asked Shaq's will not be about either.  You suck shaq.


i was gonna write
about pumpkin beer's glory
but shaq sucks on poop


Just so we're clear shaq is a friend of mine who is actually a white.  He's not the big galactus, as much as he tries to convince you over the internet.  we all have the internet, shaq, you're not the only one who can find private pictures of shaq playing with his dog from last april.  To the real Shaquille O'Neal, you might want to invest in a better firewall.


They call me the hacker

computer stuff and also some other stuff

my computer is currently lying to me.  My blogger dashboard says that I have had 0 page views today, but also I have had 2 from canada and 2 from the UK today.  I think what blogspot is trying to tell me right now is "i just farted."  I'm not positive with this, but I'm relatively sure that's the message I'm getting right now.

Quick question--does anyone actually believe the world is going to end in 2012?  I mean, come on guys.  really. next year.  I get that the Mayans were pretty smart, but so far everyone who has ever existed has been wrong about when the end of the world will be.  I don't care if you invented the calendar, or math, or rain dances or whatever the Mayans invented.  You're wrong about the world ending.  I can confidently say that with certainty and not think I'm jinxing it.  Because jinxes exist.  "this game's over"=game's totally not over.  "I'm gonna kickflip this first try no warm-up"=torn ACL.  That's just the way it works all of the time, except when you're talking about the world ending. 

To be completely honest, I'm not impressed with you, ancient Mayans.  Ya you built big stone cities and invented astronomy, but you know what we have these days?  the internet son.  that's right.  I can press these little white buttons with letters on them and then some dude in latvia can read it.  AND HE DOES.  You can have your fancy little calendar.  I have one of those on my phone.  I got a garfield comic on a little sheet that I rip off every day for a calendar.  You got garfield Mayans?  didn't think so.  I can watch this guy a million times if I want to, and you're extinct.  So don't come over here, preaching to me about the end of the world.  Because you're over there, and you're over there, and I don't know which way is up!  You can't BS the BS-er.

Did anybody watch the emmy's?  I hope the BS-er was a good host.  She's pretty funny.  I've never really been an awards show person, but I do love the BS-er.  I mean, you just cant BS her.  Don't even try.  I know that picture was tiny but it was the most relevant.  Quality over quantity.  Don't get caught up with girth, people.

I bought hummus today.  Spicy hummus.  Unfortunately, they had no jalepeno hummus, but they did have hot red pepper hummus so I bought that.  SUPER GOOD.  I love hummus dude.  It's super good.  Creamy, yummy goodness.  Just can't be beat.  Well I mean maybe it can be beat but I'm psyched on it right now so give me a break. 

I watched this video the other day (yesterday, but that is an "other day") about this OG pro skateboarder, and he was like the ultimate skate snob.  It's not like he was even a hater, just a massive skate snob.  Given, the guy rips and he's super badass and he can do whatever he wants, but is there anything worse than people who feel too strongly about things?  I mean I get it, you really like pictures of Joe Biden eating a sandwich but that doesn't mean you should tell everybody else that they suck because they like a different Joe Biden sandwich eating picture than you do.  Maybe I just don't care enough about Joe's sandwich eating, I don't know.  Here's one more for you, because these are kind of funny.

Alright I'm gonna go eat more hummus.  TIM AND SHAQ!  write me a haiku.  I trust that you won't let me down.

They call me kinda scrumptious

second blog post of the day

I do not know what to do with myself right now so I guess I will write a second blog.  Roll the dice, see if I can be funny twice in one day.  Ready, GO

I put my first decorative toilet paper roll on my wall today.  Biggest problem=no strong tape.  Currently using athletic tape, and it is working, but the opposite of working.  What's the word I'm looking for? Oh that's right, not working.  Sometimes words escape my tongue despite my ability to speak so eloquently.  Part of me really wants a super good vocabulary, but then I realize that I would probably sound like a big douche.  Sounding like a big douche isn't really that high up on my priority list, so I think maybe I'll just stick to writing blogs.

By the way, this is my 97th blog post.  How crazy is that?  Apparently I have way more to say than I previously thought.  I would say about 5-10 times a day I forget if I said something out loud or just thought it.  Does that make me an idiot?  Maybe.  It definitely keeps me from sounding like an idiot.  If you could all hear the thoughts in my head, none of you would be friends with me.  Oh, you're saying that this blog has literally put you into my head and now you can't look away from the wreckage?  Oh ok, I'm sorry.  Thanks for still being my friend.

So my back scab is getting way better.  Now it's just this big red thing.  Oh that reminds me, I think it was on Friday, some girl saw the little scab on my elbow that actually just fell off like an hour ago whole.  It didnt bleed or anything.  It was still like penny sized, I was impressed.  But she like bugged out.  WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR ELBOW?  I started to laugh at her face and then remembered that's not socially acceptable, especially because we don't really know each other that well.  I don't know where this is heading, so I'm gonna just go ahead and upload a picture of my back cut from like 4 or 5 days after it happened.  Here it is like 4 or 5 lines down for all you squeamish people.  You can skip it if you want, but it's pretty cool looking.  I've been talking about it a lot so I figured it's about time you all saw it.  Whatever here it is.

It's nice to be able to sit down and not leak all over my clothes now.  All the scabs are gone, although it never properly scabbed up.  I think it's gonna make for a pretty sweet scar.  Chicks dig scars I think right?  I don't know, I'm really bad with girls.  Never figured that one out.  Probably mostly due to a lack of trying.  Girls don't like Friday night skate missions as much as I do.  Or farts.  Also I'm really sweaty.  I need to fill out an E harmony or something with all of my flaws and see what kind of people respond to it.  Here's how I think my about me section (if they even have that, I'm assuming it's just a less annoying facebook) would probably read:

I'm 22, I have a really high opinion of myself, and I still skateboard.  I have overactive sweat glands, especially on my butt, and structurally weak lower limb joints.  I like to keep track of how long it takes me to go through a roll of toilet paper, and in college I used to keep track of how often I cut my fingernails and toenails because I was curious what the ratio was (about 2:1).  I like corduroy pants and cheap sunglasses, and while I do bathe regularly I don't really like to.  I have small hands.  Not creepy small, but too small to palm a basketball.  My eyes function poorly and I tend to not pay attention when people talk to me.  If I sound like your type, email me because I check it compulsively.  I also really like Baseketball.

I think that would put me right up there at the top of everyone's list.  Time for some happy stuff!  Wow actually this is really long already. 

Shaq, write me a quatrain.

And don't sweet me eitha

an actual weekend update.

sunday, sunday.  tim, I will talk about grave digger whenever I want.  I may have never gone to a monster truck rally but I have dug my fair share of graves.  One time when I was a kid we found a dead chipmunk and we had a funeral for it.  We put it in a box and dug a hole.  We also put my cat down and buried it in the back yard.  No veterinarians were involved.  I was a ruthless child.  I was a mini white mike tyson, lisp included.  My style was impetuous.  My defense was impregnable.  I wanted to eat other children.

By the way, what's the chances Tyson actually knew what impetuous means?  I have a feeling he was coached.  On a related note (which for once is actually somewhat related), I watched the ortiz mayweather fight last night.  Hilarious ending.  Let me recap the last 3 blows of the match for you: headbutt, sucker punch, sucker punch.  Yay boxing!  Mayweather's interview at the end was unreal too.  just watch the last 30 seconds, then stay tuned for my analysis because we all know that's what all you fans are here to see.

Here is my favorite part about the video, and I know it won't be everyone else's favorite part.  Obviously hearing an old guy talk about kicking somebody's ass 50 years ago is fantastic, but here's my favorite part.  Here is the beginning of the question that sent mayweather off.  "You were in charge of the fight, you were aggressive, and taking advantage of what you saw."  ITS A COMPLEMENT BRO.  when people tell you that you were good, you typically don't tell them that they should be fired.
"hey Drew good job on your test you got an A..."
"You know what professor, you don't ever give me a fair shake.  Logan needs to fire your ass, you don't know shit about physiology"
"now you have an F"

I know that in context it wasn't really a compliment but I figure only like 1/3 of you would actually watch the video.

Yesterday we went to pirate festival.  it was awesome. sawesome.  sauce them.  it was cool.  We got to watch old women belly dance, I got another huge turkey leg, we took pictures on the king and queen's thrones, and I did my first plank.  I definitely overplanked by like 15 degrees, but better to overplank than underplank, that's what I always say.  I've never said that before.  If you get the chance to go to a pirate/renaissance festival, DO IT.  you won't be mad about it.  People dressed up in ridiculous clothes, songs about pirate con, fake french princesses in exorbitantly wide dresses, the works.  It was pretty dope.  Bravo, wentzville. Bravo.

Today's blog is probably a little too centered around my life this weekend, but I'm gonna continue because this story is too good to pass up.  My friend bought a baby pig on Friday.  so far it doesn't have a real name, and it's terrified of people except for me.  Well, it's still scared of me just less so than it is of everyone else.  This thing tolerates me so much that I was actually given a nickname, and not one that I gave to myself.  they call me THE PIG WHISPERER.  I literally held the pig for like 4 hours so it wouldn't squeal.  the last time I tried to hold a human baby it cried and I freaked out and gave it back to its mom.  the last time I held a pig I dominated.  I think this means something but I don't know what yet.  Maybe I am manbearpig? half man, half bearpig.  or perhaps half pig, half manbear.  either way, keep al gore away from me.

I thought for the past 10 minutes or so that I didn't poop yesterday but now I remembered that I did.

I like to hold pigs
to keep them from squealing loud
rub the occiput.

for real though, they do call me the pig whisperer.

HUGE NEWS

Some of you may remember that in early July, I wrote a blog about how I had just started a new roll of toilet paper.  Coincidentally, the name of that post was "big news" and this one was titled "HUGE NEWS" before I had gone back and found the old one.  Clearly there is some sort of continuity in my consciousness.  Well back to the main point.  Today, on Friday September 16th, I have finished that roll of toilet paper.  Oh boy I just got a great idea.  Alright I'll tell you what it is in a second.

So according to my calculations, this current roll of toilet paper has been in use for 71 days.  If we subtract the 17 days that I was on school break, that leaves us with 54 days using one roll of toilet paper.  Now, let's break this down further.  I will be in missouri  for approximately 3 years and 4 months.  thats 365(3) +1 (leap year in 2012) + 30+31+31+31=1218 days.  Now I'll take out the 7 breaks that I won't be in student clinic for, giving me about 7(15)=105, giving me somewhere around 1113 days in missouri. 1113/54=20.611, so we'll round that up to 21.  Now, my mom bought me 24 rolls of toilet paper when I moved in.  SO, barring any major change in my bowel pattern or having any "slumber parties" if you will, I should never have to buy toilet paper in missouri.  THAT, my friends, is impressive.

NOW, for my awesome idea.  I'm always on the lookout for cheap and awesome things to decorate my room with.  I have decided that, from now on, I will take my empty toilet paper rolls, WRITE THE DATES OF USE, and tape them up on my wall.  BOOM.  This is the best idea I've ever had.  I am so psyched on this.  Before you say "ew, that's gross," consider this.  Your toilet paper roll is completely sanitary.  It doesn't touch poop.  It comes wrapped in like a thousand sheets of toilet paper, and outside of that, it's shrink wrapped (essentially).  And before you say "ok maybe it's sanitary but it's definitely weird, consider this.  SUCK IT I'M DOING IT AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP ME

They call me the roll collector.

this weekend should be pretty cool

It's friday and I'm excited for what is in store for this weekend.  I have two words for you all: PIRATE FESTIVAL.  I'm gonna kill it so hard at this pirate thing.  I can't wait.  I don't even know what to write about this thing right now, but I'll keep rambling and something will come to me later.  Nope, nothing came to me.

I had the pleasure of logging onto facebook today and seeing that my boy Green Thumb had shamelessly plugged my blog today.  Shoutout to regis philbin for re-energizing the blog effort.  You know, not everyone can be on the front lines writing beautiful blogs and killing the boredom nazis in all of your heads.  Some people have to be back home picking up scrap metal and sending it to the bullet factories so I can have more bullets or something.  Also I just watched Captain America this week.  I got lost in this metaphor, but the bottom line in that I'm psyched now, and I hope all my new readers will thank Tim and/or Alicia personally for introducing you to this fantastic website.  Because you may not know me or understand anything I'm talking about, but eventually you might.  Probably not, but give it a shot.  Come on, please?

By the way, how sick was that haiku that Tim wrote?  something about kitty litter I think?  I dunno I read it on my bathroom break during class today and it made me laugh out loud by myself.  A couple people looked at me funny, but whatever.  Just to be clear, I was not checking my email in the bathroom.  I know it sounds like that's what I was saying, but we don't have like open computer lab bathroom hybrids where you poop and are on the computer at the same time and it's all wide open and stuff.  Although that is a good idea.  This on a large scale, but not with stalls or anything.  Just a giant pooping, youtube watching room.  What am I even talking about right now?  I hope someday my patients find this blog.  I will instantly lose all credibility as an academic.  "oh hey doc, I just read your idea about giant computer labs with toilets for seats, and I just wanted to say that I think it's a genius idea, way ahead of your time, really you're super smart, but actually I'm moving like 2000 miles away so I won't be coming in anymore and this has nothing to do with your blog because really it's just awesome and you're super great but I just have to move really far away or something right now sorry."

On a related note, how awkward is it when you are laughing out loud by yourself in a room with other people in it and they have no idea what you're laughing at.  For example, I was doing my daily skateboard website check today because I'm in grad school and I saw this picture so obviously I snorted and a little snot came out of my nose.  I mean, come on, cheeseburger noseblunt?  I don't understand it at all but clearly that is funny.  Then I remembered that there were people doing homework or something on either side of me, and I'm here looking at a cheeseburger with some kid obviously doing a posed nosebluntslide on it.  Not obviously posed because he's on a cheeseburger, but because his body position clearly shows that he's not moving.  By the way, shorts with 2 different leg sleeves(?) are pretty baller.  Alright but the point is it was awkward but that didn't stop me from finding this picture too.  Probably less funny to the rest of you but equally funny to me.

Gotta love BA.  One of the best tall guy styles in the game.

Alright I gotta go do some other stuff now, but here's your haiku:

Actually you know what, since I assume new people are reading today, I'll go ahead and use the real name of this segment.  Here is the latest installment of "Raichu writes a haiku for you"

Felt like poop today
can't stop thinking about this:
YOU JUST SAID SHAUSS IT!

Now because yesterday's bold move went so well, I'm gonna go ahead and do the second installment of "german haiku with tim."  Sock it to me tim.

They call me the 6th little piggy.  Oh yeah Joe is getting his tiny pig today.  Let's hope it doesn't die.

I guarantee it dies.

feel the rhythm. feel the rhyme.

get on up, it's blogsled time!

I don't know how this is the first time I thought to write that.  I know it's not my first cool runnings reference but I'm a bit embarrassed that it took me this long to get this specific phrase in.  I apologize sincerely to you all.

My butt scrape is now in this awkward phase where it's starting to get kind of itchy but it also kind hurts and it bleeds sometimes too.  Stupid varied healing stages, messing with my head.  A fair amount of my class saw it today during my butt touching class where I touched some peoples butts and my butt got touched by some people.  One guy asked what I did to myself and, in an effort to keep myself alienated form my peers as much as possible, I said "I fell."  The key to having friends when you're really not interesting and you have nothing to offer is to keep the intrigue so people are still interested in you.  Once you let them in it's all over.  I've become really self-deprecating lately.  I think it's some sort of subconscious effort to feign modesty because if I just talked about how awesome I am (which I still do fairly often, as you know if you are a regular reader) then everyone would hate me.  Gotta find that happy medium of manic state and depression.  Again, in an effort to keep the intrigue.  MTV True Life- I think it's more fun if nothing I do is serious or genuine.  I'll need a catchier title than that.

Of all the things from college that I have brought to college2.0, I think what I am missing most is real life mode.  It's time I initiated real life mode missouri edition.  It would be much easier if Cameron was here, because then I wouldn't have to explain anything, because I could just say "I know I don't get it either but he did it and it's really funny so just go with it."  I guess it's up to me to keep pretending like I'm in college.  Actually, scratch that.  I just had an epiphany.  I'm keeping it to myself.  Mainly because it was a stupid epiphany.

I kind of wonder how many regular readers I actually have at this point.  Am I just writing this for Tim and Brit at this point?  It would be very helpful to know who is reading this so I can cater it to those people.  I'm happy to just type in German voice if it's just Tim.  Zat wut be so graet eef you coot tell me eef you ahr reading zis ya?  Actually that's really hard, sorry Tim.  I can't do that.  I'll try one german accent haiku though.

zis is ze hi-koo
zis languije is so silly
ze german is goot.

That was really hard.  I have no idea what people impersonating bavarian stereotypes like to say.  And that is why I would like to introduce a new segment called "German haiku with Tim."  It will be in the comments section sometime in the next 24 hours and I will be implementing it retroactively in future blogs.  I have reason to believe that that last sentence made no sense, so let me try to explain this further in the next paragraph.

The first installment of "german haiku with tim" will be in this post's comment section.  All future installments of "german haiku with tim" will be edited into the end of my blog when I see that Tim has written a german sounding haiku in the comments section.  Now, this is kind of a huge leap of faith on my part, assuming that Tim is going to even do this once let alone multiple times in the future, but I have faith in green thumb.  I'd let him doctor my lawn, if you know what I mean.

They call me the blogger that is skeptical that he still has an audience. (see anna [if you still read this]? Ugly pictures of me are funny because I'm good looking.  The same goes for you.  Isn't it nice being this attractive? I love myself)

ok just watch this

this video literally defines my life.

oh my jesus that is just absolutely perfect.  little bro just keeps chompin away like nothing even happened.  But mom gets a big fat F on reaction here.  What does your kid have to do to get a reaction from you mom?  I mean talk about playing favorites.  Little Johnny over there gets all the air time because he knows how to chew, and Mary off to the right is dropping golden turds of comedy and she gets absolutely nothing.  I'm upset.  What country do we live in where parents can just abuse their children like this?  I'm calling child protective services.  This girl needs to be put into my custody immediately.  Can I feed her? no. clothe her? not a chance.  Raise her to be a productive member of society?  I can't even do that to myself.  But what I can do is nurture the crap out of her (see what I did there) god-given comedic timing ability.  She's got 2 words, and she knows to not waste them when she's off camera.  She doesn't use them right away in the video.  She doesn't nag mom for camera time.  She just waits.  Like a vulture stalking shia labuff when he runs away from the camp in holes.  Then mom puts the camera on her.  SHE STILL GIVES IT A SECOND.  you can't teach that.  then BOOM.  bomb dropped all over your face.  you don't even know what happened.  One second you're watching a tree and the next a roflcopter drops a lmaotom bomb all over lol city.  Thank you little girl.  You are a true inspiration to us all.

I got new shoes today.  They're pretty sick.  HUF makes sick things.  Consider this an official endorsement.  I expect my check in the mail soon Keith.  I bought your shoes when you were on DVS when I was like 15, and I still buy your products today.  You skate like a boss and you make apparel like a boss too.

By the way I'm starting to reconsider my initial thoughts about where I'm gonna go to clinic.  let me tell you why.  THERE IS A CLINIC LITERALLY 50 FEET FROM THE SKATESHOP I BOUGHT MY SHOES AT TODAY.  Sorry for the internet screaming but I'm psyched.  ALSO there is a Vetta right down the road from there so I can ref there too (vetta is an indoor soccer place that I already ref at.  they have multiple locations).  Oh and there's a BETTER skatepark like 10 minutes from there too.  So don't think I'm rethinking my model for picking clinic, I have just stumbled across some VERY pertinent information.  VERY. pertinent.

Okie doke it's time for me to close this blog up, but here is your haiku

I've done some thinking
about who i think is the
sneakiest johnson

He's such a sneaky johnson that he's not even a johnson anymore!  you wouldn't even know he was a johnson so you couldn't know that he was a sneaky johnson.  this paragraph made no sense.

YOU HAD TO HAVE SEEN IT (I hope somebody reading this gets that joke)

one more thing again

I just saw that you can get your blog turned into a book for 15 bucks.  So, for the low price of 19.99 I will be offering my blog in book form.

Also sometimes I just leave a conversation after i know i have nothing else to offer.   I'll be talking to some and I'll know that I have nothing else to say, so I just cut my losses and stop trying.  It's like an eye contact fight but you just never look back and its not really that funny just awkward.

Ok that's it bye.

minorly exciting things get me more excited than really exciting things

I ripped a hole in the sole of my skate shoe today.  Time for some new shoes.  That means it's time for my favorite thing.

SHOE SHOPPING

Really though I hate that song it makes me really mad.  I'm listening to it right now and I'm getting more and more upset.  this song sucks.

Back to shoe shopping.  I am super psyched for this.  Going on down to the skate shop tomorrow, and I don't even know where to start.  This is always the best day.  NEW SHOES DAY.  Such a big decision though.  These will be on my feet for probably the next like 6 months, if not more because you never skate much in the winter.  I must make a good choice.  I must focus.

Speaking of big decisions, I get to pick my student clinic in like a month.  They had some people come in and talk to us today, and they did tell us to pick our clinic based on location, and since one clinic is located down the street from a skatepark, it looks like I will be taking the advice of my professors and picking the skatepark by the clinic.  I mean clinic by the skatepark.  Best part about that last sentence is that it was completely by accident.

Today I realized that the brain homonculus has no genitalia on it.  I think I figured out why.  There is literally a tiny brain in everyone's penis.  Girls you get no second brain.  Sorry.  I'm pretty sure that's what the Y chromosome is for.  I dont have any evidence (yet) but I am like 95% sure that this is the case.  It wakes up at puberty and that's why you get all of those mysterious boners at weird times of the day.  I think that once I graduate they will tell the whole graduating class about the penis brain.  It's probably the best kept secret in all of history, right up there with the illuminati and how jesus got out of that tomb and why dogs like the taste of poop.  When they tell us I will laugh at them because I already know.  And then I will be killed.  Stupid secret societies, always killing people.  Hey guys, maybe if you would stop killing people you wouldn't have to be a secret anymore.  You ever think of that?  You could just hang out and stuff, maybe stop wearing robes and masks.  Think about it.  You might like it.

I want ice cream so bad right now.  In related news I got a haircut today.

Who wants to go on a road trip with me?  I'm pretty sure I wanna plan a trip for my next spring break.  Given, it will be based on good skateparks, but I would also like to go through like national/state  parks and stuff.  Like camping and cool stuff like that.  Also concerts or something?  I dunno, just the best week ever or something like that.  I'm not tryin to get my hopes up too high.  Just preferably the best week of my life.  Anybody wanna make that happen?  No?  Alright cool I'll just go by myself.  No big deal.

Alright this seems like a good place to stop.  Here's your haiku.

new shoes tomorrow
shorter hair than yesterday
this blog's losing steam

Oh I came up with a good idea today.  I guess good isn't really the right adjective.  I came up with an idea today that made me laugh.  Instead of giving spare change to homeless people, giving them the rest of your gift cards when you don't use it all.  On a scale of throwing it out without a second thought to serial killing spree, how mad do you think they would get?  What about giving them like an itunes gift certificate.  Think they would call you out on it?  Like Hey buddy thanks for the free music on the computer I don't have because I'm homeless, maybe I can donate this to someone more fortunate than me.

Yep that's a good place to end for the day.

the day of the sun

sunday is kinda a redundant word isnt it?  It's day.  And therefore the sun is out.  I got all the information I needed from day.  Also pretty misleading.  Half of sunday is night.  Make up your mind sunday.  Is the sun out or is it not? 

Now that I got that out of the way, welcome back to my blog everyone!  I know its been a couple days, but most of you are too busy/cool to read this every day anyway.  So last night we took a party bus out on the town.  ITWASSOFUN!  Probably too much fun, but it's ok because I made it to my seminar on time today and i got to rid myself of my hangover the old fashioned way--by sitting in lecture and drinking a gallon of water.  I peed 6 times by 12:00 pm.  That's gotta be a record or something for people without diabetes.  By the way, I cannot handle my caffeine.  I had like half a cup of coffee and I thought my brain was gonna explode.  I think that's a sign that I shouldn't do any stimulant drugs.  I can't even imagine what ritalin feels like.  I was positive my skin was going to crawl off of me and my eyes were gonna pop out and grow legs and arms and start singing and dancing like the WB frog.  I often wish animals would sing and dance for me in somewhat formal attire.  Instead they usually just poop.  Disappointing animals, step your choreography game up.

Here's an update on my road rash--still getting stuck to things and not healing at all.  Stupid society and your convention to have everyone wear pants.  I'm just trying to not get my underwear incorporated into my scab, and you're worried about whether or not my butt crack is out.  hey guys, it's just a butt crack, and a pretty nice one at that.  Consider yourself lucky that it's not on my UPA.  I know I do.  That would kind of hurt, and I think it would look a lot like an STD.  Specifically syphilis.  I would hate to give all the people seeing me naked to think I have syphilis.  Meaning I would hate to confuse myself as someone with syphilis.  shucks.

I think a little while back I tried to start saying shucks again, but then I realized that I never actually said shucks very often growing up and also it sounds weird coming out of my mouth.  Also it sounds like a really dirty word.  say it out loud right now, wherever you are.  Shucks.  I don't like it.

I'm laying on my stomach on my bed right now and my sheets are kinda gross.  I think my open wound has leaked on them a little bit.  Ew.  Somehow it got up by where my head goes.  Aw, now it's spreading. Aw. Aww. Awww come on stop it aw.  I made a good basketball quote the other day but I don't think anybody got it.  Here's how you know a movie is funny for real--when you quote it in real life and nobody knows the movie quote but everybody thinks its funny anyway.  Pure gold.  I hear your mom is going out with SQUEAKS

Dexter starts in 3 weeks.  Oh dexter I have missed you so much.  Your righteous killing balanced with fatherhood and stuff gives me hope for a future filled with trash bags stuffed with body parts and a boat that I really only use for dropping bodies into the ocean. Also he's got a cool knife collection and he's super dreamy. 

You know what hurts really bad? pulling out nose hairs.  How is it that nose hairs don't grow at all for like a month and then all of a sudden there's one that's like a centimeter long?  Sneaky little bastards.  Then you get that crying reflex that of course you have to play off, because I really only pull out my nose hairs in public.  It only seems right.  I think from now on when I get the cry reflex I'm just gonna start bawling.  Like Alice in Wonderland style, snot flying all over the place and stuff.  "drew why are you crying so much it's just windy out I don't see why you're so upset"  "YOU JUST DON'T GET ME LEAVE ME ALONE"  major emo phase ahead captain.  Full speed ahead.

dexter back so soon
killing dudes, chopping them up
murder is so rad

I've started saying rad a lot.  I don't really know why.  I never really did the skateboarder talk thing until now that it's completely unacceptable.  Except for one of my professors did call me dude and bro today.  There''s hope for me yet.

They call me the skate doc.

So for my online class I have to comment on people's posts on the discussion board, and it is literally impossible to write anything serious on the internet.  How am I supposed to write things that aren't jokes or about skateboarding?  There is no chance I don't write something inappropriate by accident and get in trouble.  Stupid blog.  Ruining my academic career.

in other news I have a new addition to my wall decorations.  It is, wait for it, A GIANT CLASS SCHEDULE.  Anna decided that 2 semesters as EC wasn't self punishment enough so she decided to be secretary this semester.  First order of business- make a new class schedule for the front of the class.  Instantly blows up in her face.  Literally 50 complaints.  'the schedule is too small.  I cant read it.  It's too shiny and i cant read through the glare. the fonts are too hard to read.'  That was just one person's complaint too.  Just stream of consciousness whining with no transitions between sentences.  Just walked up and said those sentences and walked away.  That didn't actually happen but you get what I'm talking about.  Welcome to Logan, Anna.  If you do something in student government, you will get constant beatdowns.  That's just the way it works.  SO.  Long story short, Anna is making a new giant class schedule and I got to keep the old one.  2 square feet of color and font coordinated schedule glory on my wall.  The best part-my eyes are still too bard to read it without my glasses on.  Stupid eyes.

By the way, I don't really see how "long story short" makes sense grammatically.  I get that it's a saying, but shouldn't we at least try to make it make sense?  It feels silly writing things that make no sense.  hot pajama banana.

Time to go watch some internet TV and then maybe work out.  I'm gonna try a new strategy for taking teh gauze off of my road rash.  Get it really wet and then maybe it'll just peel off so I don't have to keep ripping my skin off every 12 hours.  It hasn't really been a good system.  Let it heal, rip it open.  let it heal, rip it open.  Here's your haiku

rip off my bandage
make my road rash more rashy
bloody sting cycle

It might take a while when you turn the lights on, but it's safe when I shart cause I got a man-pom

and so the semester begins

first day of class today.  Syllabus day.  I hate when professors actually teach on their first day.  Just let me zone out all day and send like 130 text messages.  I'm only human, and I absolutely cannot listen to you lecture my first day back in this prison classroom.  My back abrasion is leaking all over my clothes, I have no paper to take notes on, and I have like a bazillion classes after this, so just please let me stare absent mindedly at people around me.  Have a little heart.

You never really notice how much your skin moves until you have removed a large chunk of it.  Although I would like to say that showering in the morning wakes you up a lot more when it burns for like 30 seconds.  I know this is weird but I actually kinda like it.  Joint pain is not fun, but scrapes and bruises kinda feel good.  That might make me crazy, but I'm sticking to it.

Excuse me Mr. Bus driver? are you going back to delaware?

I have an online class where we have weekly discussions and I think having this blog is gonna make me either kill it or fail horribly at my discussion posts.  Either this has made me really good at channeling my thoughts or it's made me even more scattered and incoherent.  Only time will tell.  If I fail "Psychology of the Athlete" I blame all of you for encouraging this.

Does it bother anyone else how often football analysts say the word 'football' when they talk on tv?  that's the only sport that they say the name of their sport so often.  "Now this man is a great football player.  He's got a great football IQ.  Just take a look at this football play right here.  He secures the football and makes a great football move to get into the open field.  Just an outstanding football player making great football plays."  Sounds like overcompensation for stealing the name from another sport.  We get it, your sport is called football.  For whatever reason we just let them say whatever they want.  NO LONGER!  I will not stand idly by while football analysts butcher our language that we stole and kinda changed from the original english!  No more making up words like physicality, escapability, or any of those other stupid words.  This isn't a bud light commercial, and you can't just add "ity" to the end of words to make them into nouns.  And calling things football __________'s just makes you sound stupid.  Stupid Merryl Hodge and his huge tie knots.  Attention short people: having huge tie knots makes you look even smaller.  It's exactly the same as putting on a shirt that's way too big for you.  Stop with the huge tie knots.  you're not helping your cause.

By the way, I'm curious about this.  If English people invented the english language, and they say soft R's, are we pronouncing R wrong?  or did they start saying hard R's and then just decide it wasn't worth it anymore?  Did they just start singing everything and decide that hard R's sound bad in sung english?  Does anyone have a real answer to this?  Somebody with a yahoo answers account ask that.  I have a yahoo answers account.  But somebody else ask it.  just copy and past sentences 2-3 of this paragraph.  I think it sums up the topic very nicely, which also makes me wonder why I'm still writing about this.  Next.

Ok it's almost go time, so here's your haiku.

attention short guys
no more quadruple windsors
we get it, you're big.

They call me the regular sized tie knot advocater (or rstka [pronounced {wrist'-kah}] for short)

They also call me the improper parentheses and bracket orderer.

Oh and they call me van ripplehausen.

sweet home...missouri?

Back in freaking missouri people!  you know what that means right?  Way more down time and way more blog time.  In about a month I'll be getting an iphone, which means you will be getting blogs to your face during the day time while I'm sitting in class.  Get excited people, because this is season 2 of please excuse our appearance, and while we will be doing no remodeling because this new setup is pretty awesome, there will be some serious blogging going on.


I would like to share with you all a little something I said tonight at one point.  Here is my direct quote: "I LIKE WHERE THIS SEMESTER IS GOING."  And I really do.  There is gonna be some serious niceties happening over the next 4 months.  Jesus, 4 months. That's a lot of time.  But really.  A lot has happened in the past year since I moved out to the center of the large north american land mass.  I've grown a lot as a person and I think this might be a definitive year in my life emotionally.  I forsee a lot of deep and spiritual growth for me over the next 12 months.  I think that I've got to the point in my life where I have really become an adult and my life really has a purpose now.

But in all seriousness I'm back and better than ever.  You all better be ready for a solid semester of blogomania because I'm ready to bring the thunder.  They call me me wilson and I'm ready to slang some neighborly advice.

time to skype some rats
I like to wear bucket hats
YO DOG I'M BACK SON

cheers to me because I'm awesome

end of vacation blog

this has been quite the vacation.  It was cool.  Story time.

Yesterday I skated for like 2.5 hours and at the end i bombed this hill.  I turned down the street backside and my new slippery wheels started skidding at like 25+ mph.  Needless to say I ate it and took what was probably the gnarliest slam of my life and it was AWESOME.  I literally slid on asphalt for like 20 feet on my back and then did a backward somersault (which i just spelled correctly on my firs try) onto my feet.  No head slam, and only some minor elbow and wrist jam, along with some pretty sweet road rash on my left back-butt junction.  Slams are so sick.  So is going fast.  So fast slams are doubly sick.  I was so psyched and it just confirmed my theory that everyone should slam every once in a while.  It's like that feeling when you chew really minty gum and you can breathe a lot better.  It's like brain biofreeze.

Ok i kinda have to pack now because I'm leaving in less than 2 hours and I also have to do other stuff before I go, like change my gauze so I don't leak all over my clothes.  Just thought I would let you all know how rad my fall was yesterday.

Also I saw some kid with meth teeth yesterday.  I was gonna put a link to a picture of meth teeth but it was too gross for some of my younger readers (zisk).  Really though, it's super gross.  Don't do meth guys.  Apparently you can get meth teeth from other drugs too.  Don't do percosets either.  it's not good for you

don't google meth teeth
it will make you gag real hard
threw up in my mouth.

Realy though.  Meth teeth are gross.

If you live in missouri, I'll see ya there.  If you're anywhere else, I will see you on another time

latisonthemenjay.

hey missouri people

I'm gonna start whisper screaming at all of you starting on tuesday evening when I return.  Don't be scurred when I sweet you.  You might not like it at first, but you'll come around.  Just like you did to me.  Pretty soon you will all be C-ing each other and Bo Biceing and stuff and people around you will think you're weird but some people you talk to will kinda think it's funny and when they say something that you know you're gonna "sweet" them for they'll end their sentence with "and don't sweet me eitha"  in a boston accent like that and that's how I will know that my job is complete and I will slowly fade into nothingness and the rest of you will just keep on shanking people and having eye contact battles and whisper screaming "SWEEt" at people and somehow you will give people norwood accents when they say "either" and I will be looking down on you will from somewhere, but really only figuratively because, let's be honest, if heaven exists it's not really a location up in the sky it's much more abstract than that and people have just used the whole "up above" thing because fluffy clouds seem much nicer than stuff like crude oil and lava that comes out of the earth and concepts like the afterlife are really only graspable to the general public as earthly metaphors because we just don't have the ability as a species to imagine brand new things that we have never encountered and that's probably why we'll never encounter aliens because they could be a whole new form of life that we've never seen before kinda like my genie's nitrogen based life and we wouldn't even know what to look for because maybe life in other galaxies and stuff doesn't even follow the same rules as ours does because maybe they have completely different atoms and stuff.

And don't sweet me eithah.

today is september

Well everyone welcome to my first blog of september.  If you had told me way back in mid june when I started this thing that I would still be going strong in september, I would probably have believed you but been kind of disappointed in myself.  So much self-hatred.

I was thinking the other day about what I would wish for if I had a genie and 3 wishes.  By the way, why is it always three?  That seems pretty stingy, genie.  You have unlimited power and I go through all the trouble of going into the desert and into that lion's mouth to find your lamp (by the way, that thing looks nothing like any lamp I've ever seen) and you're gonna limit me to 3 things?  Weak. 

But anyway, back to my 3 wishes.  I couldn't decide if I would commit one or two wishes to the greater good of humanity.  I mean, one is pretty good right?  Plus, what do I wish for?  No more AIDS or something?  It seems like any wish along those lines would majorly change the course of history, and I don't think I'm ready to accept those consequences.  Like if you wish for the end of all diseases, then we massively overpopulate the earth, strip it of its resources and then we all die anyway.  If you wish for the end of starvation and you're not specific enough as to how, then does my genie like change metabolism as we know it and then the food industry goes under and then millions of people lose their jobs and now I've caused a major economic disaster.  Do we still need plants?  What about oxygen?  I've just changed the world from carbon based life to nitrogen based life all willy nilly and now we have to deal with the consequences.  World peace?  you know genie is just gonna turn us all into apathetic stoner types and then we'll never get anything done.  And if I wish for unlimited money for myself, do I cause major inflation and the eventual collapse of the dollar?  Maybe I could just ask for it in euros, but then I have to exchange all my money.  Dude, this is stressful, and I don't want any more wishes.  I think I'll just free the genie in exchange for him helping me out occasionally.  Me and genie can just be buds.  magic is scary.

Based on that paragraph i think it's clear that I need to get back to school and start doing something useful.  It seems like kinda a long time since I left missouri.  I think I'm too old to live at home now.  I can see why people used to  be adults at like 13 throughout history, and not just because everyone died at like 35.  It's weird how long we spend with our parents now.  Other animals don't do this stuff.  Other animals try to eat their kids.  Don't like Nemo fool you kids, fish don't know their parents. salmon die after they lay their eggs.  Question-do animals get kuru when they eat their babies?  Based on my 45 second google search, I guess not.  In a related note, there's a shoe company called Kuru.  Bad company name bro.  rule of thumb, don't name your company after a disease associated with cannibalism. 

I have decided that I'm gonna be super productive next semester.  Not productive to a point where I can't sit still for more than 45 seconds (you know who you are) but like productive to a point where I don't watch internet TV and eat a roll and a half of ritz crackers every day.  On a related note I'm gonna stop eating so much crap.  Not literal crap, but you get what I mean.  Call these my "school year's resolutions" because school is pretty close to rhyming with new and I like puns.

I haven't done very many segments recently.  I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.  I'm gonna give you all a color of the day for old times' sake.  That is the correct apostrophe placement right?  The sake of old times?  Anyway, your color of the day is parchment color

I like books.  Third school year's resolution--keep reading books.  Also shower right after exercise.  I think I can do all of those things.

Here's your haiku to take you into Sunday afternoon

magic is way cool
till you control history.
I'm unqualified.

I don't know if punctuation is proper haiku form but my desire to google it is low so we're gonna stick with it.

Also shoutout to Brad because it's your birthday today, even though you don't read this.  Hey, a guy can hope right?  And no, I'm not talking about the Brad.  We've been defriended for a long time now.

At some point I'm gonna start a record collection. I think that would be a cool collection to have.  Records and old books.  I don't think I've ever even heard a record play music.  That's pretty lame.  My future house will be decorated with records, skateboarding pictures, and hopefully a healthy stack of broken decks.  I can't wait to be cool dad.

There are no good pictures on google for cool dad