somehow this ended up being all about emma watson.

so apparently I won't be gone all weekend.  I'm back today and I know you're all super happy about that.  I have some stuff to say.

I hate soft beds.  and by soft i mean the opposite of firmness, not the opposite of coarse.  I slept on a soft bed in a hotel the past 2 nights.  Impossible to get out of.  You try to push into it with your hand and you just sink further into the thing.  It's like a combination of devil's snare (2:56) and quick sand.  Devil's snare, devil's snare,  it's deadly fun but will sulk in the sun.  Call me Emma.  I dig the short hair.  We can share shampoo or something, and I can blame you for all the hair in the shower even though we both know I'm balding and you seem nice enough to play along and not rub it in my face that I only have like 4 more years of looking young and you'll look young and super hot forever because you're a celebrity and girl british accents gives me tingles in a silly place and you're only with me because you're slumming but I would be fine with that and there would be an unspoken agreement that I never ask you to dress up as a witch when we do it but I would be imagining it and you would be able to tell because my eyes would glaze over and then I would giggle at an inappropriate time and you would pretend like it bothered you but really you would think it's funny because you already read this blog and it's impressive how accurate my prediction was.

they call me the rambling man.  I love the allman brothers.  they kill it so hard.

Really I could end it here because that emma watson sentence paragraph was so good, but I feel that I at least owe you one haiku.  So here is your boy raichu writing a haiku for you.

i'm getting creepy.
first kailey, now ms. watson
really though. call me.

I'm starting a new segment called "pictures of people doing the shankar without actually knowing they're shaking."  Here's the first of what I hope is a long lasting and entertaining segment, but in actuality will probably end today.  Can you guess who it will be today?  I'll give you a hint.  George Clooney

It's funny because it's actually Emma Watson and I tricked you.  I'm not sure how acceptable it is to write about girls like I have been, but it's my blog and I do what I want.  But really sometime tell me if I've crossed some line of creepiness.  And by someone I mean Tim or Alex because I assume you'll both tell me that I haven't gone far enough.  Thanks for the advice, my brain's interpretation of Tim and Alex's advice based on my past experiences!  Yay limbic system!

So that's about it for today.  I know that earlier I said that they call me the rambling man, but now I would like to tell you something else that they call me.  And this is a real name that I am actually called sometimes. 

They call me wematanye

Wematanye calls them silent sticks to test your spirit of shutting up.  Pure comedic gold.

friday is the day that it is today

Hello there boys and girls, men and women, and Shaqtus the big galactus.  Just a heads up, I'll be out of town this weekend so you will be getting no saturday or sunday blogs.  No blog for you.  Come back 3 days.  I would like to wish you all a happy weekend. I hope all of your dreams come true.

That being said, let's get on with the show.  My boy C Woosh suggested to me via text at midnight that I write about clothes trends, especially those that are/were ridiculous.  So here we go with a new segment called "Fashion with your boy C Woosh"

1) JNCO pants

Just gonna throw it out there, I had a pair of JNCO pants in the fourth grade.  For whatever reason, jnco's remind me of juggalos.  Essentially jncos were a way to tell your parents that you hate them.  Look at how big those back pockets are.  Think of all the cargo you could bring with you in those huge pockets.  You could bring spare face paint, your meth pipe, tiny rubber bands for your little braid things that are sticking out of your head, a giant knife, and your wallet all in one pocket.  Useful? yes.  Worth it? probably not.  My grade on jnco pants: D+

2) Tying your shirt around your waist

Honestly this picture has it all.  Shirts around the waist, Tevas, a girl mall grabbing her walmart skateboard, giant knee hole pants.  But for now, we will stick with the shirt belt.  And by we, I mean me because I'm doing all the work here.  Wearing your shirt around your waist is a way of telling people "I can't properly plan my clothes for the weather."  I know it's the 90's, but just take a look at the newspaper or watch the weather channel for 2 minutes.  It's gonna tell you how hot it's gonna be.  You don't need all those layers if it's gonna be 85 out.  Not to mention that you ruin your shirt sleeves.  You can't wear that shirt on your arms anymore because your sleeves are so wrinkled.  Come on 90's teenagers.  Show a little pride and stop mall grabbing.  I mean wearing shirt belts.  Grade for shirt belts: C-.

I'll do one more of these for C woosh and then it's onto haiku time because, let's face it, I'm the voice of a generation.

3) Hats with brims up

This is a style that I could get behind.  Look at that tiny hat and funny shaped brim.  funny hats have always held a dear place in my heart.  I dont know why.  Umbrella hats, turquoise hats with self-drawn street pirates, my boy Wesley's hat in that picture.  I love em all.  I wish that I was old enough to have been choosing my own clothes during this trend because I woulda rocked it super hard.  Wearing your hat with the brim up is the best way to communicate to the world "I kill it harder than you."  Grade for hats with brim up: A.  I don't believe in A+'s because I think it distorts the GPA scale.  What, you got a 4.33 out of 4.0?  You're lying and you don't deserve to be in college.

Haiku time

Thanks a lot C woosh
This is a sick new segment
but now it's over

I require feedback on fashion with c woosh.  It's up in the air.  I write to please.  Myself.  All feedback will be accepted, but only if it comes from me.  Feel free to inception me.

The color of the day is eggshell white

Shout out to my boys at art-paints.com for hooking me up with this exclusive jpg from google.  Thanks guys.  I appreciate the special celebrity treatment.  I'm happy to spread the word about your website to countries like India, Canada, Germany, and the UK.  They love me over there.  I'm like the claw to those green alien toys in Toy Story.  They do my will.

I would like to write one more haiku today, because as I understand it my boy Green Thumb started PT school today and he's really the only one who cares about these haikus.
grad school in jersey
prepare for it in your butt
from roommate grandma

I know that haiku probably didn't make sense to anyone, but i'm laughing out loud by myself right now. Shout out to jablonskeet.  Sorry everyone in Missouri for none of this making sense, but I'm internationally known now and I have to cater to my massive audience.

Also I decided on a shankar emoticon yesterday
:fl
I think that's about as good as I can get.

Time for the hardest part of writing this every day.  I hope at least one of you figures this one out.

They call me the eht em llac yehT

pure silliness

I made an awesome sandwich today for lunch. chicken patty, egg, cheese, BBQ sauce, hot sauce.  Let me tell you, eating poultry (even things loosely based on poultry like chicken patties) with eggs is fantastic.  Definitely a huge slap in the face to the chicken community, but nonetheless a fantastic combo.    You know what else? I really like the little end piece of bread for sandwiches.  It's a better size for things like eggs and chicken patties, both of which are huge components of my diet.  I would say my diet is roughly 1/3 chicken patty.  Such convenience and acceptable taste, especially since I have the taste buds of a 5 year old.

That's me.  So I wear blue contacts, so what?  The ladies love blue eyes.  It's not like I won best eyes of my high school class by playing fair.  if you're not cheating, you're not trying.

I see you Bill.  Just playin dumb, stalking your prey.  Kinda like me and Hong Kong and India.  In other Patriots related news, we picked up Albert Haynesworth today.  I look forward to that not working out.  Dude is a disaster.  The things that come up when you let google finish your search for Albert Haynesworth are "stomp"  "highlights" "lays down" "gurode" and "fight"  You don't want a guy on your team whose highlights (which I assume include the stomp and laying down) are about as important to his career to his stomping on somebody's face, laying down, fighting, and whatever the hell gurode means.  I'm being told gurode is the guy whose face he stomped. 

So just to recap.  3/5 things most commonly searched for in regards to albert haynesworth are when he stomped on some guy's face.  1/5 is his laying down on the field.  1/5 is at least somewhat about his play.  Go Football!  I think I hate sports

Speaking of sports, I went to rugby practice yesterday.  I think that I'm gonna develop into a thoroughly average rugby player and I wish I had played in college.  I would probably be a huge meathead with pretty severe alcoholism, but the sport woulda been fun.  I haven't tackled somebody in a long time, and I'm kinda looking forward to it.  I imagine it will be like slamming really hard, but instead of concrete it will be on grass and people.  I think I would rather fall on people than concrete.  Higher water content in people.  That picture isn't quite relevant, but I'm gonna allow it.

Haiku time.  I'm not really sure how this segment has lasted longer than all of my other segments, but so far I like it.
Billy Belichick
don't take no crap off Haynesworth
Pride, power, badass

That was as close as I could get in a haiku to capturing the essence of that scene in cool runnings.  Also I think this is my first Cool Runnings reference in my blog.  Disappointing Drew.  That is now what they call me.

Speaking of awesome movies, here is something that makes me giggle

Now, Joi may be a Ho fo sho, but she's got a point.  You ain't got to lie, Craig.  You ain't got to lie.  So much wisdom.  Let's take a second and ponder that in a segment I will now call "a lot of lines skipped means a lot of time has passed"
















I'm sticking with Disappointing Drew today.

HAHAHAHAHA

Ok we got a view from Canada today.  I'm not sure if I should be excited about it because we all know that Canada is too close to us to be excited about expanding into that territory.  Not hating on Canada, just to be clear.  I got love for Canada.  But when the MLB and NBA have both already expanded into your country, I just can't get that excited about it.  Shout out to Canada anyway, now that the Bruins hold the cup.  More importantly, however, is how they got to the site.  I'm gonna go ahead and give this a new paragraph, because it's important that you all read this part.  Here is what was googled.

"what does my poop mean"

If that is not right up my alley then I don't think I even have an alley.  I can't tell you how many times I have thought that.  Mostly because I don't remember all of my thoughts.  This just goes to show you that writing about poop can only be good.  I'm gonna go ahead and screenshot that and post it.  Here goes.

It's funny because it's true

In related news, a reader that shall not be named told me that last blog had too much poop related content.  This post will have less graphic poop detail, but just keep in mind that "what does my poop mean" got someone to read my blog.  Or at least click the link by accident.  It's called advertising?

Now I'm super interested what this guy's (i assume it was a guy.  do girls google that kind of stuff?) poop was like, and how he thought google could know based on that what to look up.  You gotta be more specific bro.  Google isn't your buddy that can look at your poop and answer your vague questions.  I promised I wouldn't get into poop details today, but you gotta be more descriptive when you ask what your poop means.  For all google knows your poop could have just used an old expression and that you didn't understand or you could be asking some grand philosophical question, like "what do the constellations mean?"  Hell, you could even be asking what the phrase "my poop" means in english.  Step up your google game.

By the way, how big of a stretch are the constellations?  You know what Taurus is? the letter K.  Scorpius?  A line.  Orion? a virus.  Whoever made up the constellations is an idiot.  Apparently nobody even knows who made them up.  Ya, if I decided that a line was a scorpion I think I would want to be anonymous too.  Lay off the shrooms, ancient farmers.

Just realized that I only say bro on this blog.  I never say bro in real life.

You know what's worth inventing?  Shoes with built in socks.  Actually maybe that would get gross.  I'm just tired of putting multiple things on my feet.  they're so far away and I'm so inflexible.  Somebody get on that.  Shoes with built in self-cleaning socks.  Come on science.  Maybe Kailey-our-soon-to-be-ex-waitress-at-trivia's dad can invent something.  Come on Mr. Trivia Waitress.  I don't know your last name but I know that you do science.

Kailey if you read this sorry I never learned your last name.  Next week I will.  Also call me.  You've seen my ID enough times to be able to find me on facebook, and I go by Drew, not Andrew.  Also I hope I'm spelling your name right.  We'll miss you at Kriegers, I'm sorry it didn't work out with your coworkers and the distance you have to drive to work.

Here is my haiku:

Hi Kailey, what's up?
you like to touch my shoulder
is this too creepy?

I think Tim will like that haiku.

They call me the creep

Indian expansion

also I'm taking over india too.  I average .00000004 views per person in india.  Killing it.

HA.  This is the google search that I assume came from india that somehow ended up at my blog.

"how does meth ice looks like"

arbitrary post title

today I drove with no pants on.  no shirt on.  no socks on.  Just underwear and sunglasses.  I couldn't help but wonder if people knew if I wasn't wearing pants.  I mean I assume people in giant trucks could if they were trying to take a peek, but can people in normal sized cars tell? definitely not right?  I could just rock out naked and if only regular cars were around nobody would know right?  Ha those things are so ugly.

Today it dawned on me that someday I will actually have a full time job that isn't going to end after the summer.  Somehow that never really clicked.  What am I gonna do when I actually have an income?  Something tells me I'm gonna pick up a serious drug habit or something else ridiculous (ridiculous, spelled with no E).  I'm feeling philosophical right now.  Time to switch gears back into poop jokes.

I held in a poop for like 5 hours today.  Maybe 6.  I kinda had to poop when I woke up and decided (foolishly) to not let it fly before class.  Then by the time 1 oclock rolls around I realized that my butt was about to explode.  all over the place.  but mostly just into my shorts.  I really need to get my poop schedule figured out.  If there is one thing in this world that needs to be in control, it's poop schedule.  You can't be having to poop all willy nilly at all times of the day.  Get it together.  Voila.  more poop gold.  Gold poop.  If that thought doesn't deserve a picture nothing does.

There are a surprising amount of relevant results for golden poop.  I really shouldn't be surprised.  If I think it's awesome then clearly the rest of the world also does.  I should suit up more often.  Next time we go to a real bar/club/whatever they're called, I'm definitely suiting up.  I don't even know if I have a suit.  But i'll figure it out.

After talking with my boy Alex today, I think I'm gonna be a clown chiropractor.  I'll be like patch adams or something but for people with lumbar disc herniations.  I don't see anything that could go wrong with this plan.

Even if I go broke and end up homeless, that's a solid skate spot/bed.  That's not all bad.  Wake up, skate your "house" and then sleep.  I bet I could get good at stealing decks and shoes and stuff.

Ok I just got way too carried away with that train of thought.  This is another one of those times where I realize that I'm actually an idiot.  Big idiot.

Here is your haiku, I guess
sometimes my brain sucks
it likes to wander around
poop poop poop poop poop

When in doubt, poop is funny.  I just counted on my hand how many syllables that last line was.

Here is your fact of the day:
the ascending limb of the loop of Henle is impermeable to water.

At least I'm pretty sure that's right.

Bye Bye. just jump to 3:55 because I can't figure out how to make it go to that part when I make the link.  I know you can do it somehow but it would take me longer to figure that out than it is taking me to write this.  Also this is funnier for me. 

real quick

Per the suggestion of my boy Shaun, I'm gonna start collecting the sweat that I ring out of my shirts.  2 bucks a pint.  Investors are welcome.  I don't know how you invest in this project, but I have a feeling that I will lose money on this so really I just need someone to give me money.  I'M BROKE

Sweat in a bottle.  Pure genius.  Let's play a game called "google something and see what the first picture is"

Disappointing

more butt related stuff

so last night i set my facebook status as "washing my butt" and it got an overwhelming "like" response.  It seems as though my friends are trying to tell me something.  Hey german guy who is psyched on my blog, what could it be?

Oh. just figured it out.  I smell bad.  And the smell is coming from my butt.  Got it.

More huge news--two views from hong kong today.  I love the internet, and the internet world loves me.  What are the chances that these are even people from these foreign IP addresses?  Someone help me out here, because I'm suspicious.  I bet it's foreign government keeping their eyes on the best and the brightest in america.  you're welcome, america.  Now all of our foreign competition thinks we're all idiots even more than before.  Now we can sneak attack them.  Somebody think up  a way to attack hong kong.

Just kidding guy from hong kong.

Speaking of hong kong, when I was a kid growing up in china, my favorite soccer team was liverpool. Suck it Zisk.

They call me the facebook picture isolater.

Apparently Green Thumb really liked my haiku yesterday.  Oh by the way I hope you all appreciate that I never use any of your full names so you can't be traced back to this blog when you look for a job in the future and your boss googles you.  You're all welcome.  Here's another butt related haiku, made especially for the lawn doctor.

my butt smelled real bad
I washed it with irish spring
smells like poop clovers

I really don't know why I write about anything that isn't butt related.  it continues to be my best work.  here is your fact of the day.
the colon reabsorbs 90% of the 10% of water that is left in the GI after the small intestine.

that's pretty close to being butt related. They call me the professor.  I could've gone a lot of ways with that professor link.  I believe I made the correct decision.

After all, they do call me the decider.

That was a killer segway to finish this blog.

I would like to make one thing perfectly clear to all my loyal fans out there.  especially you Germany.  I see you logged in today.  Don't think I'm not paying attention.  I like eating everything that makes your tongue blue.  Had a blue slurpee today.  Loved it.  Blue Jello? Didn't have it today, but definitely love it.  I really can't think of anything else right now, but I'm sure someone (from Germany perhaps?) will comment and tell me something else that makes your tongue turn blue.  And I am equally sure that I will love said product.

Always a good look.  I think my senior research project is going to be on the rate at which blue leaves the tongue.  I'm gonna publish it.  I bet I could get some doc to OK that project.  I'm very persuasive.

In other big news, this is my 51st post.  I would have made a big deal about #50 but I was pretty involved in whatever it was that I wrote last time.  I know it was like 6 hours ago or something but I honestly can't remember and I'm not about to go check.  See what I did there?  Half century mark.  When 100 comes around, expect the same crap you've been getting from me for the past 6 weeks or so.  This is it folks.  Get used to it.

Well time to hit the sack.  Click that if you dare.  I guarantee it's a sack.

continued international dominance

Somebody from the UK viewed my blog today.

Note to IP Address from UK--welcome and I hope you like me as much as everyone else does.

Note to everyone else--I really could just be making these countries up and you would never know.  But I'm telling the truth.  I taking over.

letdown of the century

I was looking through my drawers for a blank CD, and guess what I found.  You'll never guess so I'll just tell you.

BACKYARD BASEBALL

For those of you who don't know about the backyard sports games, they are the best sports games to ever come out for late 90's PC.  Just an unbelievable set of games. 

So I put this disc into my computer, assuming that old stuff will work on new computers, kinda like how PS1 games work on PS3.  But the worst has happened, and apparently "There is no application to run 'Baseball' on this computer"

Devastation

GOOD MORNING

Well it's that time of day again everyone.  Time to buckle those seatbelts, put on your safety glasses, swoop loop and pull those shoelaces, zip up your jackets, put on your helmets and elbow pads, and get ready because it's time to...

READ!
THIS!
BLOG!

You're psyched now aren't you?  Yeah you are.  I can feel it.  Nobody is even reading this right now but I can feel your future excitement because you just love my blog so much.  Ya you do.  You don't have to tell me.  I will have been there.  In the future. When you read this.  So right......NOW. right NOW.

I've been in a fantastic mood the past couple of days.  Just psyched on my whole life.  Sometimes you just gotta be psyched.  Even though it's too hot to even consider going outside and I'm gonna have to study for like 4 hours today, I just have a good feeling about today.

I would like to endorse a product today.  EAT THIS IT IS FANTASTIC

Did you hear about Buzz Aldrin punching a dude in the face?  Here's the video, I'm really just impressed that he lasted as long as he did before giving this guy a fist full of America to the face.

I love this guy's argument.  "hey Buzz you never went to the moon. stop lying, liars go to hell."

Oh ok bro.  Ya I guess you're right, when you put it that way.  I mean I am super old, maybe I never did go to the moon.  You know what, just put that Bible in front of my face so I can finally tell the truth about how I never went to the BOOM THAT WAS MY FIST SON! BYAAAAAAH! SUCK IT NERD I'VE BEEN TO THE MOON!

I'm sure that's exactly how it went, even though I just saw the video and none of that actually happened.  When they make a movie about Buzz Aldrin it will go like that.  Oh, you mean they already did make a movie about Buzz Aldrin?  Oh alright well if they can make 2 Hulk movies in like 4 months, they can make another Buzz Aldrin movie.  What a sick name.  Buzz.  My first son's name will be Buzz Guy Lowey.  The 2 sickest names combined into one glorious man baby that will be an astronaut all by himself and get to Mars without a space program and be the first person to do a 360 flip in space.  Maybe I should set my expectations lower, but I won't.

It feels like somehow all my blogs end up talking about space recently.  At least like 3 of them.  I guess I really do have some sort of deep seeded separation anxiety with the space program.  I mean come on, space is so cool.  Anyone who doesn't think space is cool is the worst.  I would literally sell my soul to go to space. 
Let me tell you why: first of all, I don't even know if I have a soul.  No idea if souls actually exist.  You know what definitely exists? you guessed it, SPACE.  Secondly, no gravity.  let me say that again-THERE IS NO GRAVITY.  How cool would that be?  Just floating around all the time.  I can't even float in water.  It would be the most comfortable you've ever been, but all the time.  Super cool.
Lastly, I'm pretty sure Alec Baldwin would be narrating my entire time in space.  Everything I would do would be made way cooler by Alec Baldwin telling you how awesome it is. 

Oh and Aliens.  I wanna meet some aliens.  I'm pretty sure that if I manage to get to space, I will be the one to make first contact with real aliens.  I'll be sure to bring my kodak one time use camera so we can get a few snapshots.  Then I'm sure that guy from the Buzz Aldrin video will come bother me about how I didn't really meet aliens and then I can reenact my version of that video. 

I really need to get to space.

Haiku time
space is really cool
aliens and other stuff
please don't probe my butt.

I watched most of Labyrinth last night before I fell asleep.  That's one weird movie.  I had no idea what was going on, but I felt like I was learning valuable life lessons and problem solving skills at the same time.  I think I got smarter and dumber at the same time, so I guess I broke even?  I don't even know.  I was pretty confused by the occasional musical numbers.  it cant be a musical because there's spoken word?  i don't know, I think i'm just gonna go with it and add it to the list of movies that I can say I saw and pretend like it was life changing with everybody else when in reality I didn't get it at all.  I'm really just more of a Dunstin Checks In kind of guy.

Monkeys in people clothes.  I can wrap my head around that.

Time to go be productive.  The call me the ghostblogger

exercising my futility

this blog goes out to my boy C Woosh who told me quite plainly, "less pictures, more rambling thoughts."  Well everyone, you can thank my boy Connor aka C Woosh aka Frank for this next blog, which I can assure you will have no discernible train of thought or direction.  Here we go.

I am an old man.  I went to the bar with some of my brosef and brosefettes last night, and I literally had fun until the music got loud.  When I get old I'm gonna have whatever the 2060 conjugate of a broom on the porch is (hopefully a ray gun or something, come on science),  waving it at all the whipper snappers and telling them to shut up and get off of my land plot.  And then I'll probably go skateboarding because I'm also gonna be killing it till the day I die.

Speaking of science, we better start making some cool stuff now that we're not doing the whole space thing anymore.  I'm talking like vaporizing guns, teleporting, time travel, telekinesis, some super nerd-gasm inducing stuff.  Time to step it up, mr. scientist.  Shout out to anyone who recognizes that reference.

I don't know how many people do this, but when I sneeze, I sneeze like 15 times in a row.  Right now I'm on like 6 and I can see no end in sight.  Seven.  Nine.  Come on science.  Cure my sneezes.  It's not rocket science.  Not that we do that anymore anyway.  I WANT TO GO TO SPACE

Even though it's hardly 11:00am, I can already update my newest segment, "Have I sweated sitting down today." 
Today I have sweated sitting down.  I woke up in sweat.  And then I made pancakes.  And for those of you who regularly read this blog, you know how I feel about pancakes. 

Speaking of pancakes, I think I digest them in about 25 minutes.  Literally every time I eat pancakes I have to poop within a half hour.  And I would chalk it up to coincidence but it's always the same consistency too, so I have come to the conclusion based on sound scientific principle (see science? if I can do science from my toilet you can make me a vaporization ray.  Loony Toons style) that pancakes are digested at the fastest rate of any food.  I know that the glycemic index scale is based on white bread (1.0) but i think if they included pancakes on the scale they would be like a 6.0. 

Remember when Comedy Central used to have Battle Bots?  That show was so awesome.  Never before had level of nerdiness been so highly correlated with level of awesomeness.  I could watch that show for hours.  If anybody knows about a place where I can go watch robots fight I would very much appreciate it.

I stopped sneezing.  The count was roughly 13. maybe more.  It's weird how you don't notice when you don't sneeze.  Actually probably not that weird.  I say weird a lot.

Can someone tell me what instagram is?

Alright I literally can't stand thinking anymore, so it's time to cease this blog.  For those of you who don't know blog = web+log.  We(b log).  They call me the educator. 

Alright one more thing.  I love that my friends out here talk like my friends from college.  Shout out to my 6-10 friends at UD who talk like idiots.  Wow that's actually kind of a lot of friends.  I love all of you.  Except Zack.

Zack I actually love you the most.

Hopefully someone else remembers that part.  I watch too much TV

They call me the tv duck.

feelin hot hot hot

today it is hot out.

I'm starting to think that I'm actually the sweatiest person alive.  If I had been alive in a period in history where water was scarce, I would be dead.  No chance I would survive in the desert.  Or maybe I just have a whole lot of extra water weight.  Maybe I'll try not drinking water for like a week and see what happens.

I scraped off (most of) my calluses today with a so-called "callus remover."  One of them still had a blister under it.  It was pretty gross.  So much dead skin. Although that's kind of a misnomer because technically all of your surface skin is dead.  We'll go ahead and call that the fact of the day.

For the next few days I'm gonna have a segment called "Did I sweat while sitting down today?"
Today I did sweat sitting down.

Does anybody know why kangaroos are only in Australia?  Are they even isolated there?  Are there actually kangaroos in all sorts of places and for whatever reason people just decided that they were to be associated with Australia? Also I don't like typing Australia.  It doesn't really fit with my little kid typing style.

After watching most of the first 3 seasons of breaking bad, I have come to the conclusion that my decisions to neither be addicted to nor cook crystal meth were both good decisions.  Thanks Mom and Dad.

Here is your meth related haiku:

crystal meth is bad
it makes your teeth look like twigs
please do not smoke meth.

I think that was the most responsible thing I have written on this blog.
They call me the publog service announcer.

That one was a stretch.

farts

today I had an awesome fart.  I was walking and whistling a song and perfectly timed my fart to when the drummer would have hit the cymbal in the actual song.  Twice.  In a row.  I looked around and nobody was there.  I was hoping that it would be like the first week of college when I trumpet farted and because of that I made new friends. 

But there was no Zisk to be found.  No Green Thumb around.  No Bertus to astound.  No rambunctious ohio statian to take naps on the ground.  I was alone.  holding my phone.  giggling at the tone. of my fart.

That was a new segment called "somewhat sentimental rhyming about farts."  don't expect to see that one very often.

Is there a name for when you try to fart when you have to pee and you accidentally leak a little bit out?  Not that I just almost did that or anything.  But really, is there a name?  I would appreciate the real name for it or any fake name that sounds plausible.  Like balderdash.

I slept till 10:45 today.  Felt fantastic.  Never underestimate the importance of sleep or keeping your feet warm.  There's a reason why lieutenant Dan told Forrest Gump to always keep extra socks.
IT'S GOOD FOR YOU

This blog needs a picture.

Raichu brings to you another haiku (part 2!)
farts will make you friends
especially in grad school
such maturity.

I miss my farmer's tan.  That thing was gorgeous.  I wish I could have a completely tan lower body and a farmers tan at the same time.  Leg tan lines are lame.  Arm tan lines are funny.  You heard it here first.  Tan your butt.

One time somebody called me sweats mcgee.  Have I given myself a mcgee nickname yet? well either way.  Sweats McGee it is.

part one of 2.

Not much time to write this morning, but I figured I'd give you two today because I was crunched for time yesterday.  Here's your first haiku of the day, courtesy, as always, of your boy Raichu

my ankles are sore
a million degrees outside
i think i'll lay down

I would like to also give you a color of the previous day today as well.  The color of yesterday was wet green.

I don't have much more time this morning either, but here are a few things I was thinking about at some point in the past 24 hours
1) Calluses

That was the least gross picture in google images.  Also LOOK! I DID A CAPTION

2) Naps

Time to go get my bones checked.

They call me the craggelmeister

yo dog

short blog today

Merry Christmas

so today I realized that I'm really only useful when I'm stressed out.  in college my boy Bob who taught my sports psych class had this chart with stress vs performance, and it was like a bell curve.  My curve is more of a right upper quadrant of x^2.   small stress=no performance.  I literally just sit there.  I'm a pet rock, but more frustrating because there's actually a chance that I could be doing something.

When I actually have a task, I AM FREAKING INVINCIBLE.  Today I had twenty minutes to find out when our game tonight was, get out an email and text to the team, find out how many guys we had coming, find someone's number to cover for me at work tonight, and convince her to switch shifts with me.  BOOM. done. 

Guess what I did after?  Went home and watched breaking bad for three hours while eating about 1500 calories.  Back to pet rock mode.  There you have it.  Pet rock or John McClane.

Things I was thinking about today:
1) Tamagachi

2) Snickers

3) The Jeffersons

Look at those nostrils.  The furrowed brow.  The purple? blazer.  THE MUSTACHE.  That's a man.

So who is tired of the haikus?  Haikui?  Haiki?  is there a plural?  anyway doctors, YOU'RE GETTING MORE HAIKU AND YOU WILL LIKE IT.

john mcclane's pet rock
in another universe
writes an awesome blog

I really like putting links to my own blog in my blog.  they call me the architect.

How do I keep this level of excellence every day you ask? Because I'm John Freaking McClane and it's Christmas in July.

Grasping at straws here

i wasn't gonna blog today because I didn't really have anything to say, but then I realized that i never have anything to say.  So I'm just gonna wing it and assume that everything that I say is pure genius.  Here goes.

I slept with my contacts in both nights this weekend.  Surprisingly my eyes don't hate me.  Shout out to my eyes for being understanding.  Thanks guys.

I am very out of clothes right now.  Whoever decided to make laundry machines run on quarters clearly didn't know how difficult it is to keep quarters on hand.  It's not 1960 bro.  People don't have change anymore.  At least I don't. and everyone knows that everyone else does exactly what I do.

The color of the day today is turquoise in honor of my favorite hat that I always forget is awesome.  They call me the hat artist.

Raichu will now write you a haiku.  Also I don't know if I've mentioned this but for those of my readers who were never into pokemon, raichu is the evolved form of pikachu.  But really if you didn't already know that, then I don't know why you read this.

Pokemon is sweet
I might be a nerd, but hey
nerds rule the whole world

I think I've peed like 7 times today.  One of them was a double pee, like that time after chemistry in the smith bathroom freshman year of college but nowhere near as long.  Remember Tim?  So much pee.  It was like Austin Powers pee but like the real life version and not as British.

I just looked for like 10 minutes for the clip from Little Giants where the kid gets hit so hard he talks out of his butt.  That is from little giants right?  somebody help me out here. hint- google-ing (googling?  googleing?) "little giants talk out of butt" will not help you find it, and it will get you red flagged by the people from to catch a predator.  So you'll have to settle for this clip.

Spike don't play with girls.  Didn't you hear?

Today is gonna be a good day.  I lost my sunglasses yesterday.  Good thing they were only 5 buckaroos.

That reminds me.  In high school I made a Rube Goldberg project.  It was obviously nowhere near as good as that one.  But you had to have a purpose for the whole project and a theme.  I did mine with my girl Michelle and the goal was to dunk a dunkaroo into the frosting.  That was probably way too long a story considering this isn't at all funny, but suck it nerds, this is my blog and I do what I want.

Today is peachfest in some town in Missouri.  I will be attending.  For those of you who can't wrap your mind around the concept of peachfest, it's a celebration of the harvest of peaches.  There are millions of peaches.  Peaches for me.  In the country.  I'm gonna eat a lot of peaches.

I just went back and read the first three sentences of this blog.  Wow. Pure Gold.

You know what bothers me? WhEn PeOpLe WrItE lIkE tHiS.  Not only is it painfully time consuming (that just took me almost a full hours to write), it's impossible to read.  Stop the madness people.

Well thank god I have default segments because I am completely out of ideas right now.

blogging is so hard
oh you think you could do it?
you probably could.

Things I was thinking about today
1) really long arms

2) Stretch Armstrong

3) Toys

4) still thinking about stretch armstrong

there are no sheets on my bed.

non harry potter related post

I say dude too much.

first things first

I love harry potter.  I already miss not having another movie to look forward to.  Let me just say that they killed it so hard with this last movie.  Right on point.  I'll need to watch it at least 5 more times.  it completely engrossed me.  I could have got punched in the face and not noticed, that's how into that movie I was.  Fantastic.  And the best part is that it's all real and happened in real life.

Also me and Wes saw it together at midnight-ish last night and it was "not a date."  There ya go Wesley.  I told everyone that it was "not" a date.

Honestly I'm a little low on material today because my brain is in 100% harry potter mode.  I need a harry potter skateboard.  I want my boy Dobby on there.  All artsy and stuff, and I want it to say "i didn't mean to kill, only maim or seriously injure."  Somebody make that happen.  Or at least photoshop it or something.

The color of the day is red, in honor of the weasley's hair color.

Shout out to my boy Buggy Wallace in the mean streets of Philly.  You better learn about peptide hormone synthesis.  It's clinically relevant.

They call me Bathilda Blogshot

HUGE NEWS

here at please excuse our appearance we are remodeling we have just gone INTERNATIONAL

ok maybe not just now because I never really checked this before but the bottom line is i have 1 view from germany.  I am fully ready to take over the internet.

Hey german person reading (read "accidentally stumbled upon one time") my blog: I love you and will do anything to keep you reading.  I hope you like my juvenile sense of humor and writing style.  I don't think germans are the least funny people in the world. I think you guys kill it super hard.  those other countries are just jealous.

I think from now on you can call me the US ambassador to Germany.  Just bringing people together left and right.  Mom and Dad would be so proud.  But really for their sake it would be nice if they never had to read this thing and find out how stupid their son is. honestly how am I in grad school?

UPDATE: I rechecked the numbers.  Apparently I have 6 views from Germany and 9 from Puerto Rico.  I feel like double rainbow guy.  WHAT DOES IT MEAN

tissues and lobster carrots

first of all, I would like to apologize? to brittany who feels wrongfully accused of having a twitter account or something.  That's all you're getting Brit.

Secondly, I would like to mention in case you didn't know that HARRY FREAKING POTTER COMES OUT TONIGHT.  I would also like to say that I will probably be both inconsolable and really excited tomorrow because of how bittersweet this is.  Somebody get me a tissue.

Also I would like to take a second to thank the internet.  Some people also call it the interwebs or even sometimes the information superhighway, but no matter what you call it, can we all agree how awesome that place is?  I literally typed in tissue into google and I find that unbelievable tissue dispenser.  you can literally find anything, except for apparently a place to buy one of these.  Keep looking Alex, you'll find one someday.

Quick sidenote for everyone but Alex:  He's never gonna find one.

I was eating baby carrots today and I got the 2 weirdest carrots I ever saw.  One of them was like 6 inches long and the other was lobster claw shaped.  I'm gonna post 3 pictures now to let everyone know exactly what my carrots looked like:

1) normal carrot

2) Giant baby carrot

3) Lobster claw carrot

On that note, here's your haiku and stupid nickname because I have to go back to class.

lobster claw carrot
didn't look like that picure
just a branched carrot

they call me Blogs Bunny

ok one more thing

who is posting me on twitter?  show yourself (brittany)

I have more to say and you will read it

i had jello twice this week.  I would just like to reiterate (the most impressive word i've used so far in this blog) how awesome jello is.

that will be all.

blog post #30-something

No greeting today, just jumping into it.

Yesterday I ate donuts and drank beer at the same time.  That got me thinking about the other stupidly unhealthy things I've eaten in my life.  So today we're gonna do a little variation on "what's weirder" and go with "what's unhealthier?"

Today's matchup: Beer and donuts vs. KFC double down. 
Now I know some of your guts (see what I did there?) will want to go straight to the double down, thanks to the hilariousness of its unhealthiness.  HOWEVER, take into consideration that there is stuff in the double down that can actually sustain life.  There's chicken in there.  Assuming the cheese is actually cheese there's some calcium and stuff in there.  There is literally nothing in beer and donuts that is good for you.  In fact, by consuming that much fat and alcohol simultaneously, you're probably exponentially contributing to the cirrhosis of your liver.  Just saying.  Beer and donuts.  Come on.

Today's blog is brought to you by hammocks

obviously my hammock does not look like that one, but I guarantee I will have one of these at one point in my life.  If I don't have one then you will know that I gave up on my dreams and am no longer awesome.  here's your haiku:

Sit in my hammock
write a super awesome blog
i am the coolest

Harry Potter tomorrow night.  this movie is gonna kill it so hard.  how hard you ask? imagine how hard diamonds are, and then imagine a world where everything is made out of diamonds but they have their own version of diamonds that is the hardest thing in their world that's like way harder than diamonds.  So diamond world diamonds.  That freaking hard.

Here's your color of the day.  White.  The best color because it's all of the colors in one.  So whatever color you wanted to be color of the day, you're welcome.

US beat France today in the women's world cup.  Not surprising, since we kill France in everything except being super lame.  But we could beat them in that too if we set our collective minds to it because America freakin kills it all day.

There is a video on my friend's facebook that properly describes how hard america kills it, but since I can't post videos from facebook on this thing you guys don't get to see it.  Alex has seen it.  Sucks for the rest of you.  All 5 of the rest of you.  So sucks for Tim, Matt, Brittany, Finberg, and Shaq.

you know the rules.  Pass it on.

They call me sneak attack mcgruff

HELLOOOOOOOO

Hello all my avid readers out there.  Today I am in a good mood.  No real explanation why.  Just loving life.  Gotta love those days.  Really though there has to be something wrong with me.  I am becoming seriously emotionally unstable.  Well, whatever. 

In more serious news, Thursday at midnight I will be going to see the last of the Harry Potter movies.  I have one problem though.  I literally have no friends so I'm just gonna buy 2 tickets and beg everyone I see to go with me.  I've accepted that, and that's not even the real problem.  My real problem is that I don't know if I want to see it in 3D or not. 

Sweet neck Daniel-san

I mean, 3D is usually super awesome but I don't know if it's gonna fit this movie.  Plus none of the other HP's were in 3D.  I've done the only thing I can think of so far, which is ask the highest authority in Harry Potter---my friends from college.  Really I'm just gonna do what Tim says, which I have just checked on and he says regular D.

REGULAR D IT IS.  Thanks Tim.

It is stupidly hot out in the midwest right now.  I will now be telling you about how sweaty I am.  I skated on Sunday at 7:30 pm.  So the sun was on its way out and it should be getting cooler at that time.  Instead, the heat index was like 105 and I sweated completely through a pair of pants in about 45 minutes.  That means no dry spots anywhere on my pants.  Raise your hand if you've ever done that.

This was me after about 3 minutes.

I don't see any hands.  Unless Andy is reading this but I don't think Andy has internet right now.  Still he's about 1100 miles away so I don't think I would be able to see him from my couch.

Here's your haiku.
My butt is sweaty
Harry potter out thursday
unrelated? yes.

Here is your fact of the day
Serotypes 3 and 9 of streptococcus pneumoniae are resistant to penicillin.

They call me Dr. Blogtavius

women's soccer blog?

Alright something right quick about the US-Brazil Women's World Cup game today.  That may have been the best ending to any game I've ever seen.  I'm not gonna say definitively, but come on.  That was absurd.  Do yourself a favor and go watch the highlights if you didn't watch the game. 

When the US scored in the 122nd minute, I'm not gonna lie- I teared up a little bit.  Does that mean I'm going soft? Yes.  Am I a little bit ashamed? Yes.  But it was poetic justice like you dream about.  It was unreal.  Are you kidding me? a player down IN INJURY TIME OF THE LAST OVERTIME PERIOD?  IS THIS EVEN REAL LIFE?  Alright that's all I'll write about that. 

But seriously. THE 122ND MINUTE? Imagine a 4 point play to tie the game at the buzzer of an NBA playoff game, but also the team that tied the game was a player down for the whole fourth quarter and also they're playing aliens who are trying to steal the Loony Toons for their amusement park and Michael Jordan is there and Bill Murray comes at the end of the game and the aliens stole Mugsy Boges and Charles Barkley's talent and Newman from Seinfeld drives a convertible and also everything is half cartoon.

Alright really I'm done.

Also Shawn Bradley is really tall.

Ok I have to go learn some stuff.

Also that was the plot of Space Jam for my readers who may have just graduated from high school and didn't get to go with their family to Florida this summer but their brother got to bring a friend.  Just in case that scenario applies to you.

one last thing

also I'm uploading this so I can watch it on my computer because for some reason Quicktime hates me.

Also if anybody has an ipod shuffle charger that fits this kind holler at me.  But really only if you're in the greater St. Louis area.

fact of the day

Here's your fact of the day for those of you thirsty for knowledge:

Growth Hormone Inhibiting Hormone (GHIH) inhibits Growth Hormone (GH)

update

I just did a massive itunes overhaul.  Deleted like 3000 songs from itunes.  Kept the files though, don't worry.  You gotta keep those files son.  You never know when your musical tastes will change back to underground gangster rap.

In other news I'm making a habit out of losing my wallet.  Today I found it on the street.  All 10 of my dollars were still in it.  My boy stephaun lives in a nice neighborhood.  People wave at you when you drive past them.  Real nice people.

So back to talking about my new roll of toilet paper.  My TP (that's toilet paper abbreviated) holder is too small for a new roll.  The roll is jammed up against the wall and it's hard to make it spin without ripping everything.  So I guess my options are as follows:
1. Deal with the minor inconvenience and in 3 or 4 days my TP roll will spin unhindered
2. Do some serious demo work and deepen the groove in the wall for my TP.

I think you all know where I'm going with this.

I'm gonna deal with the minor inconvenience.

My girl Evelyn told me last night to make a hip hop CD for her.  Bottom line is I'm not gonna make it unless she reads this and brings it up again.  READ MY BLOG ANNA

The color of the day is tequila

Things I was thinking about today

1) Yesterday

2) Peach Jello

Here's Raichu's Haiku for your last segment before my arbitrary nickname that nobody calls me
Don't lose your wallet
They won't let you in the bar
Five syllable line

They call me Jorge the Fire Breathing Hunchback of Notre Dame