welcome back to the latest episode of nonsense with Drew. I'm in a great mood today. Don't know why. For whatever reason I just felt good all day. I did do a lot of sweating while sitting down today, but not because it was hot out. I think I'm going back into nervous giddy teenager mode. I can't wait to get overly oily and have voice cracks every 10 words. I'll just have to start wearing polyester shirts or flannel shirts so that nobody can tell how sweaty I am. It is almost getting cold out, so I can start wearing flannel again. I love flannel. Really I just like plaid. And it makes me feel like a man. I kinda can't wait till I'm 40 so I can say that super often. Any time somebody second guesses me I'll just pull that one out. Hey at this point I'm closer to 40 than I am to being born, so I guess you round up at this point right? I'm 40 now. Wow, I'm really unaccomplished for a 40 year old. I gotta start having kids or something right now. Who wants to have my babies? Alicia? You're 40 too by my logic. Biological clock is almost ticked out. Your chance of having a baby with major birth defects is increasing by the day, I think it's time we started breeding. Your move.
That was pretty bold. I like my chances.
Does anybody else get way more farts when you work out? My farts can sense when I'm exercising or something, because they get all antsy and want to start moving fast themselves. They just sprint from my splenic flexure down my descending colon and rip through the curved glory of my sigmoid colon and juke my anal sphincters out of their minds. They're like Barry Sanders or something. They have Marshall Faulk's step back move, just making my lower GI look silly. This is a terrible analogy. I have a question. How far do you guys usually follow me into these analogies before you're like OK Drew that's enough we get it your farts have great lateral movement? I really have no idea because it's not like I'm sitting there with you reading this crap, so I'm curious when you just check out and decide that I'm a retard. Another question: How many of you read that "ruh-TARD" and how many of you read it "REE-tard"? Has the Hangover really infiltrated our lives enough so that people actually have internal monologues with grossly mispronounced mildly offensive insults? Only you know for sure. Be honest with yourself, because God knows I'm not being honest with you. All lies here. Except that thing earlier about you, Alicia. That was a serious offer. Facebook inbox me or something. I'll be waiting.
I learned my internet creepiness from Tim. Tim is the Yoda of those kinds of comments. I carried Tim on my back through parties and hit on girls as he hit me on the head with a stick and stuff. That routine really didn't work for us. Mostly because me and Tim are about the same size, so the whole Yoda thing wasn't successfully conveyed. Also we were just wearing bathrobes, so that made it kinda weird too. Tim chose to not wear underwear. It was ok though, I wore 2 pairs, so it averaged out.
The world record for most pairs of underwear worn at once is 215. Well done Jack. You may only be 11 right now, but this is gonna do something for you in the future. Probably something negative, but that's ok. It's still something. I'm gonna be this kid for halloween but wear 216 instead. Suck it Jack. Instant publicity for my future clinic. People are gonna want to be treated by the lots of underwear guy. I'm only doing Basic. Also 2 sentences ago I was gonna write "people are gonna wanna be...." but I decided that made me sound to stupid. More stupid than my fart:Barry Sanders analogy. If that analogy was on the GRE, what do you think the answer would be? fart:Barry Sanders::Body odor:PeeWee Herman. I need to start writing for the GRE. clearly they are missing out by not having me on their staff. let's go GRE, I'll shake up your company from the ground up. Change you can believe in and has a 50% chance of happening. Lowey 2011. Yes We Can, under certain circumstances which may or may not exist. Campaign slogan for the ages. Political joke!
Alright time to unleash. I'm sure you want to know what I will be unleashing, but you don't get to find out. Premium members only, and that will cost you. How much? What's your best offer? I'm being vague because that makes it more intriguing. I'm a master salesman. GIVE ME MONEY FOR STUFF
no haiku for you
really, I'm not writing one
for real. there's no way.
See what I did there? I must be the smartest person of all time.
That was pretty bold. I like my chances.
Does anybody else get way more farts when you work out? My farts can sense when I'm exercising or something, because they get all antsy and want to start moving fast themselves. They just sprint from my splenic flexure down my descending colon and rip through the curved glory of my sigmoid colon and juke my anal sphincters out of their minds. They're like Barry Sanders or something. They have Marshall Faulk's step back move, just making my lower GI look silly. This is a terrible analogy. I have a question. How far do you guys usually follow me into these analogies before you're like OK Drew that's enough we get it your farts have great lateral movement? I really have no idea because it's not like I'm sitting there with you reading this crap, so I'm curious when you just check out and decide that I'm a retard. Another question: How many of you read that "ruh-TARD" and how many of you read it "REE-tard"? Has the Hangover really infiltrated our lives enough so that people actually have internal monologues with grossly mispronounced mildly offensive insults? Only you know for sure. Be honest with yourself, because God knows I'm not being honest with you. All lies here. Except that thing earlier about you, Alicia. That was a serious offer. Facebook inbox me or something. I'll be waiting.
I learned my internet creepiness from Tim. Tim is the Yoda of those kinds of comments. I carried Tim on my back through parties and hit on girls as he hit me on the head with a stick and stuff. That routine really didn't work for us. Mostly because me and Tim are about the same size, so the whole Yoda thing wasn't successfully conveyed. Also we were just wearing bathrobes, so that made it kinda weird too. Tim chose to not wear underwear. It was ok though, I wore 2 pairs, so it averaged out.
The world record for most pairs of underwear worn at once is 215. Well done Jack. You may only be 11 right now, but this is gonna do something for you in the future. Probably something negative, but that's ok. It's still something. I'm gonna be this kid for halloween but wear 216 instead. Suck it Jack. Instant publicity for my future clinic. People are gonna want to be treated by the lots of underwear guy. I'm only doing Basic. Also 2 sentences ago I was gonna write "people are gonna wanna be...." but I decided that made me sound to stupid. More stupid than my fart:Barry Sanders analogy. If that analogy was on the GRE, what do you think the answer would be? fart:Barry Sanders::Body odor:PeeWee Herman. I need to start writing for the GRE. clearly they are missing out by not having me on their staff. let's go GRE, I'll shake up your company from the ground up. Change you can believe in and has a 50% chance of happening. Lowey 2011. Yes We Can, under certain circumstances which may or may not exist. Campaign slogan for the ages. Political joke!
Alright time to unleash. I'm sure you want to know what I will be unleashing, but you don't get to find out. Premium members only, and that will cost you. How much? What's your best offer? I'm being vague because that makes it more intriguing. I'm a master salesman. GIVE ME MONEY FOR STUFF
no haiku for you
really, I'm not writing one
for real. there's no way.
See what I did there? I must be the smartest person of all time.
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