Fart tennis is the best game I have ever played. Off the top of my head I can't think of something funnier than recording farts and sending them to your friends who are in, say, a Barnes & Noble for example, and having my farts played out loud a thousand miles away for people shopping for books and also get points for doing it. As you may have guessed, Tim and I started playing today and I'm winning our first game 15-30 (He served first). Still plenty of time for game changers. Tim you will be happy to know that I held the first one in for about 40 minutes until I could get home so I could record my fart. And by 40 minutes I mean probably closer to an hour and a half because I started feeling farts coming on in the beginning of the 2nd half of my game today. The second one came about 5 minutes later right before I got in the shower. I can't get enough of this game. I just want more all the time. I'm like a crack fiend for this game. I'm going to base my whole diet on fart generation. Just cheese, beans, and hot dogs from here on out. And I'm never chewing again. Massive boluses make massive farts. Strategy people. Real life mode.
I think the only thing I miss about video games is playing real life mode. For those of you who don't know real life mode originated when cameron started hitting us with pillows when we crashed or died in whatever video game we were playing at the time (smash bros, nascar, or mariokart I think were the first 3). The best part about real life mode is that you don't have a choice. If someone decided you're playing real life mode, you were playing real life mode and you had better like it. Obviously, we took real life mode and turned it into something we would just yell at each other and eventually it had no real meaning just like everything else. like this blog for example. you are going to read the rest of this post. it's real life mode, you don't have a choice. READ IT
That reminds me of another story. Time for another installment of "one time I made a friend doing this."
One time freshman year I was playing some video game with Zisk. I think it was NCAA football, or maybe it was shit game. I don't remember. I had to fart, so I leaned over to the side and let it go. However, I had one of those farts where your butt isn't sure yet, and it lets it go in little fragments instead of one whole fart. Fortunately for me, it came out in 3 different pitches. Low to high, trumpet style. It was from that moment, Zisk would tell me later, that he knew we would be friends. And that is how I made a friend doing that.
I had a test today. It went pretty well.
It's been forever since I got to skate. I can feel the urge. Again, like a crack fiend. Clearly I am just a drug addict. What will my parents think. Today I got tripped in my soccer game pretty good. Like a full on foot kick. I fell down and I just laughed out loud for like 10 seconds. Nobody else laughed, as usual. I think that's a sign that I need to skate real bad for some reason. I don't really know why, but I'm pretty sure it's a sign.
Why does everybody think that every bearded figure that appears is Jesus? Hey bro, maybe it's Grizzly Adams. Contrary to popular belief, he did have a beard. Doesn't that seem kind of desperate? Not that people think they see Jesus in the toast, but that they never think it's someone else. Maybe desperate isn't the right word. Although I have to admit, if I was jesus I would put my face on all sort of weird stuff. like pee stains from drunk people who pee the bed, or I would make animals that look just like me. I wanna see a cow with a spot that looks like Jesus, or a bear that has a birthmark on its face that looks like jesus. Jesus face on a face. That bear would be dead so fast. People would kill the crap out of that bear. I want that bear's face above my fireplace. I think that's the real way you get to heaven. Collect Jesus face tokens. It's like tickets at Chuck-e-cheese. Those have Chuck E's face on em, and they get you cool stuff there. It only makes sense people. I just got you all into heaven, and you won't even read my blog every day. Thanks guys. Real nice.
Time for $3 pitchers. And hopefully more fart tennis points. I'm saving farts up right now so I get a good audible one. I've never strategized so much about farts in my whole life. Thanks Matt.
fart into my phone
so I can beat Tim at this
poop gets on my face
now THAT was a haiku
I think the only thing I miss about video games is playing real life mode. For those of you who don't know real life mode originated when cameron started hitting us with pillows when we crashed or died in whatever video game we were playing at the time (smash bros, nascar, or mariokart I think were the first 3). The best part about real life mode is that you don't have a choice. If someone decided you're playing real life mode, you were playing real life mode and you had better like it. Obviously, we took real life mode and turned it into something we would just yell at each other and eventually it had no real meaning just like everything else. like this blog for example. you are going to read the rest of this post. it's real life mode, you don't have a choice. READ IT
That reminds me of another story. Time for another installment of "one time I made a friend doing this."
One time freshman year I was playing some video game with Zisk. I think it was NCAA football, or maybe it was shit game. I don't remember. I had to fart, so I leaned over to the side and let it go. However, I had one of those farts where your butt isn't sure yet, and it lets it go in little fragments instead of one whole fart. Fortunately for me, it came out in 3 different pitches. Low to high, trumpet style. It was from that moment, Zisk would tell me later, that he knew we would be friends. And that is how I made a friend doing that.
I had a test today. It went pretty well.
It's been forever since I got to skate. I can feel the urge. Again, like a crack fiend. Clearly I am just a drug addict. What will my parents think. Today I got tripped in my soccer game pretty good. Like a full on foot kick. I fell down and I just laughed out loud for like 10 seconds. Nobody else laughed, as usual. I think that's a sign that I need to skate real bad for some reason. I don't really know why, but I'm pretty sure it's a sign.
Why does everybody think that every bearded figure that appears is Jesus? Hey bro, maybe it's Grizzly Adams. Contrary to popular belief, he did have a beard. Doesn't that seem kind of desperate? Not that people think they see Jesus in the toast, but that they never think it's someone else. Maybe desperate isn't the right word. Although I have to admit, if I was jesus I would put my face on all sort of weird stuff. like pee stains from drunk people who pee the bed, or I would make animals that look just like me. I wanna see a cow with a spot that looks like Jesus, or a bear that has a birthmark on its face that looks like jesus. Jesus face on a face. That bear would be dead so fast. People would kill the crap out of that bear. I want that bear's face above my fireplace. I think that's the real way you get to heaven. Collect Jesus face tokens. It's like tickets at Chuck-e-cheese. Those have Chuck E's face on em, and they get you cool stuff there. It only makes sense people. I just got you all into heaven, and you won't even read my blog every day. Thanks guys. Real nice.
Time for $3 pitchers. And hopefully more fart tennis points. I'm saving farts up right now so I get a good audible one. I've never strategized so much about farts in my whole life. Thanks Matt.
fart into my phone
so I can beat Tim at this
poop gets on my face
now THAT was a haiku
drew von't defeating
ReplyDeleteze graytest farter of all
zat is me... yoda.
referencing past, present, and future via german style haiku makes me feel like a prophet. also, being able to talk about farting all the time makes me happy. i'm a fart prophet... a prophart. see what i did there?
this is one of the best blog posts i've read you referenced three things i really love, fart tennis, real life mode, and shit games and i laughed the whole way through this blog, thank you once again you need to get a Worlds Greatest Blogger mug.....http://www.zazzle.com/the_worlds_greatest_blogger_mug-168546103410406465
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