I learned that walking four miles takes a really long time
I learned that face paint is very uncomfortable
I learned that juggalo facepaint is scary
I learned that sidewalks in Missouri are a luxury
that is what I learned
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Saturday, October 29, 2011
blog lull: over
I really don't know what has kept me from blogging this week but I am so so so so so so sorry. There are some things I need to tell you all about.
I got a new phone yesterday. It is the i version of phones. I got an iphone. I'm the coolest guy around now. Look at this guy over here with the fancy internet phone. You know who that guy is? Me. I have one of those now. Aaaaaaaand it's so cool. But before I get carried away, let me get carried away with something else. The story of the iphone getting. Most of you have heard this story already if you live in the state of missouri. But if you have not, then you're in for a treat. Because this is the story of how I suck. If you know this story already, feel free to skip the next paragraph, unless you think it might be funny to see the difference between my blog narrative compared to my real life narrative. I'm much funnier on the internet.
So I went after school to go buy an iphone yesterday. I got to the store and asked if they had got a new shipment in because I had been told that yesterday would be the day of the iphone shipment. Alas, I was told no. There are no iphones here sir. That is, until I started filling out the reserve form, and another employee said "oh, we have one of those in the back. I will get it for you." Boom. I'm getting an iphone. Problem #1- My credit card did not have the available balance to purchase said iphone. Problem #2- My debit card did not have the available balance to pay for said iphone. Problem #3- They could not split the cost between the 2 cards because they are both Visa cards. So, I tell them I will go to the bank and work this thing out, because after all they do call me the problem solver.
So I get to the bank, and here is where I encounter problem #4. There is an armored truck blocking me from parking, and I am sort of in it's way. I back up. Problem #4- There is a car behind me. I hit the car. Woopsies! Fortunately, minimal damage occurred, and it's not gonna cost me a bunch of money. Just some money. So after that, I go in the bank to see if some funds can be transferred. Problem #5-that won't work. Something about a couple days for the transfer to process. So I figure I'll just write a check for some of it and put the rest on my credit card. I go home and get my checkbook. Problem #6-Verizon doesn't believe in checks. So I go to the ATM and get cash out, and I'm ready to buy this iphone. Problem #7- Bank of America thinks my credit card is being used fraudulently and has blocked activity. So I talk to the robot on the phone and we work that part out. The robot says to wait five minutes and try again. So I wait ten minutes just in case. Problem#8- Still no dice with the credit card. So I try calling my parents again to see if they can make a dollars transfer, which leads me to Problem#9- they don't pick up. So I call the Wass and ask him for $40, because that was the difference between the number of dollars I have in my bank (I'm broke) and how much the phone costs. The Wass has 40 dollars, and he delivers me all 40 of them. I did have to do back to the ATM to get the rest of my cash out, but finally I pay for my brand new pretty iphone with straight cash homie. And that, my friends, is the story of my iphone. I got 9 problems and an iphone is the source of afferentation for all of them. hit me.
So now back to regular blog content. What should we talk about? Well, more people are finding out about my blog. My boy Wes has been my best spokesperson at school. Just making blog references left and right. Making sure everybody knows about this site. It's humiliating because then I have to explain that yes, I do have a blog, and no, it's not really about anything and no, I swear I'm not entirely self-centered and think I am the center of the universe (even though that last part is a lie, we all know I am the center of the universe). But the end product is that more people read this silly site and my self-esteem gets a boost that it really doesn't need but it appreciates anyway. So really what I'm trying to say is thank you Wesley and I can't wait to see your mustache next week. And I can't wait for your halloween party so I can wear my awesome costume.
Speaking of my costume, I have been surprised at how many people don't know what juggalos are. Come on guys, I go to school in the midwest and nobody knows what a juggalo is? I thought meth was big out here. I was looking forward to trying Faygo soda and huffing paint. Maybe I have my regions wrong, but I kinda just assumed the midwest would be crawling with ICP fans. Apparently people out here are just regular people with no discernable accent pattern. Who would have thought?
You know what I learned twice this week and expect to probably hear about again? That Nutella is actually pronounced "NEW-tell-uh." Who knew? I'll tell you who. Anna knew. The whole time. And I must have made a big deal at some point about how it DEFINITELY was not pronounced that way, because I thought for a second I was going to be punched in my face when she told me. I feared for my safety for a second, until I remembered how much bigger than her I am. I love having a rather large stature. It makes me have to be scared of a lot less stuff. But I do have one other thing to say on the Nutella front- I will still be pronouncing it "NUH-tell-uh" because this is America and I can do whatever I want. Also this poor quality commercial pronounces it like me. So at some point when you stop having to study so much and get around to reading this post, make sure you watch that youtube link Anna. Because even if you're in nutrition, you can always just put your headphones in like always. And I'm not going to bring this up in real life because I'm scared of confrontation, but you have your (conveniently undocumented) commercial, but I have mine now too. I'm happy to call it even for now, until you get mad at me after you read this.
I talked to Tim on the phone yesterday. On iphone. because I have one of those now. Which also means you'll be getting mid-day blogs. But probably not this week because I have a lot of tests. But who am I kidding, maybe this week. But when I was talking to Tim, he told me how much he enjoyed my dictator story. And I was very happy to hear that he liked it. Because I thought that story was fantastic. Right up there with my pumpkin beer story that Alex reminded me of. Wow I am really funny. I can't wait to get this blog made into a book so I can replace "Stuff White People Like" in my bathroom.
I've been thinking about moving at the end of next summer so I can be closer to my clinic, and just because I could use a change of scenery. Here's my biggest problem; I don't know what place to pick. And anyone who knows me a little too well knows that once I start a project, it really bothers me until it's finished. And now that I've started sort of browsing for a new apartment, I'm really annoyed that I haven't found the perfect one yet. Even though it's like 10 months till I would be moving, if I even move at all. Call me unreasonable if you want, because I won't argue with you. We've already established that I'm scared of confrontation and also you would be right and I don't like to be wrong, because it clashes with my view of myself as infallible. If I was a pharaoh back in ancient egypt, there is a 100% chance that I would have legitimately thought that I was part god. And those pyramids would have a way cooler shape. or they would have been upside down or something. That would be cool. Come on egypt, get on that. Giant stone inverted pyramids.
Ok this blog has gone on long enough. I hope you have enjoyed my return to blogdom. Here's your haiku.
Woke up when it's dark
wasn't even hungover
still got nothing done.
They call me unproductive.
I got a new phone yesterday. It is the i version of phones. I got an iphone. I'm the coolest guy around now. Look at this guy over here with the fancy internet phone. You know who that guy is? Me. I have one of those now. Aaaaaaaand it's so cool. But before I get carried away, let me get carried away with something else. The story of the iphone getting. Most of you have heard this story already if you live in the state of missouri. But if you have not, then you're in for a treat. Because this is the story of how I suck. If you know this story already, feel free to skip the next paragraph, unless you think it might be funny to see the difference between my blog narrative compared to my real life narrative. I'm much funnier on the internet.
So I went after school to go buy an iphone yesterday. I got to the store and asked if they had got a new shipment in because I had been told that yesterday would be the day of the iphone shipment. Alas, I was told no. There are no iphones here sir. That is, until I started filling out the reserve form, and another employee said "oh, we have one of those in the back. I will get it for you." Boom. I'm getting an iphone. Problem #1- My credit card did not have the available balance to purchase said iphone. Problem #2- My debit card did not have the available balance to pay for said iphone. Problem #3- They could not split the cost between the 2 cards because they are both Visa cards. So, I tell them I will go to the bank and work this thing out, because after all they do call me the problem solver.
So I get to the bank, and here is where I encounter problem #4. There is an armored truck blocking me from parking, and I am sort of in it's way. I back up. Problem #4- There is a car behind me. I hit the car. Woopsies! Fortunately, minimal damage occurred, and it's not gonna cost me a bunch of money. Just some money. So after that, I go in the bank to see if some funds can be transferred. Problem #5-that won't work. Something about a couple days for the transfer to process. So I figure I'll just write a check for some of it and put the rest on my credit card. I go home and get my checkbook. Problem #6-Verizon doesn't believe in checks. So I go to the ATM and get cash out, and I'm ready to buy this iphone. Problem #7- Bank of America thinks my credit card is being used fraudulently and has blocked activity. So I talk to the robot on the phone and we work that part out. The robot says to wait five minutes and try again. So I wait ten minutes just in case. Problem#8- Still no dice with the credit card. So I try calling my parents again to see if they can make a dollars transfer, which leads me to Problem#9- they don't pick up. So I call the Wass and ask him for $40, because that was the difference between the number of dollars I have in my bank (I'm broke) and how much the phone costs. The Wass has 40 dollars, and he delivers me all 40 of them. I did have to do back to the ATM to get the rest of my cash out, but finally I pay for my brand new pretty iphone with straight cash homie. And that, my friends, is the story of my iphone. I got 9 problems and an iphone is the source of afferentation for all of them. hit me.
So now back to regular blog content. What should we talk about? Well, more people are finding out about my blog. My boy Wes has been my best spokesperson at school. Just making blog references left and right. Making sure everybody knows about this site. It's humiliating because then I have to explain that yes, I do have a blog, and no, it's not really about anything and no, I swear I'm not entirely self-centered and think I am the center of the universe (even though that last part is a lie, we all know I am the center of the universe). But the end product is that more people read this silly site and my self-esteem gets a boost that it really doesn't need but it appreciates anyway. So really what I'm trying to say is thank you Wesley and I can't wait to see your mustache next week. And I can't wait for your halloween party so I can wear my awesome costume.
Speaking of my costume, I have been surprised at how many people don't know what juggalos are. Come on guys, I go to school in the midwest and nobody knows what a juggalo is? I thought meth was big out here. I was looking forward to trying Faygo soda and huffing paint. Maybe I have my regions wrong, but I kinda just assumed the midwest would be crawling with ICP fans. Apparently people out here are just regular people with no discernable accent pattern. Who would have thought?
You know what I learned twice this week and expect to probably hear about again? That Nutella is actually pronounced "NEW-tell-uh." Who knew? I'll tell you who. Anna knew. The whole time. And I must have made a big deal at some point about how it DEFINITELY was not pronounced that way, because I thought for a second I was going to be punched in my face when she told me. I feared for my safety for a second, until I remembered how much bigger than her I am. I love having a rather large stature. It makes me have to be scared of a lot less stuff. But I do have one other thing to say on the Nutella front- I will still be pronouncing it "NUH-tell-uh" because this is America and I can do whatever I want. Also this poor quality commercial pronounces it like me. So at some point when you stop having to study so much and get around to reading this post, make sure you watch that youtube link Anna. Because even if you're in nutrition, you can always just put your headphones in like always. And I'm not going to bring this up in real life because I'm scared of confrontation, but you have your (conveniently undocumented) commercial, but I have mine now too. I'm happy to call it even for now, until you get mad at me after you read this.
I talked to Tim on the phone yesterday. On iphone. because I have one of those now. Which also means you'll be getting mid-day blogs. But probably not this week because I have a lot of tests. But who am I kidding, maybe this week. But when I was talking to Tim, he told me how much he enjoyed my dictator story. And I was very happy to hear that he liked it. Because I thought that story was fantastic. Right up there with my pumpkin beer story that Alex reminded me of. Wow I am really funny. I can't wait to get this blog made into a book so I can replace "Stuff White People Like" in my bathroom.
I've been thinking about moving at the end of next summer so I can be closer to my clinic, and just because I could use a change of scenery. Here's my biggest problem; I don't know what place to pick. And anyone who knows me a little too well knows that once I start a project, it really bothers me until it's finished. And now that I've started sort of browsing for a new apartment, I'm really annoyed that I haven't found the perfect one yet. Even though it's like 10 months till I would be moving, if I even move at all. Call me unreasonable if you want, because I won't argue with you. We've already established that I'm scared of confrontation and also you would be right and I don't like to be wrong, because it clashes with my view of myself as infallible. If I was a pharaoh back in ancient egypt, there is a 100% chance that I would have legitimately thought that I was part god. And those pyramids would have a way cooler shape. or they would have been upside down or something. That would be cool. Come on egypt, get on that. Giant stone inverted pyramids.
Ok this blog has gone on long enough. I hope you have enjoyed my return to blogdom. Here's your haiku.
Woke up when it's dark
wasn't even hungover
still got nothing done.
They call me unproductive.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
naps and dictators
Today my main activity was sleeping. I would like to recap the hours of the day that I have been asleep for you all.
12:00am-6:15am
1:20pm-1:40pm
4:30(ish)pm-8:55pm.
That's what I call productivity. That's a real life graduate school schedule people. Given I was either or class or eating for the other hours of the day. I'm essentially only writing this so that I can feel like I did something besides sit in lecture and sleep today. They say that slow an steady wins the race, but it depends of the race. In whatever race it is that I'm running, and I seem to be winning it at this point, looks like it's going to be won by doing nothing for days at a time and then scrambling to catch up to the pack only to surpass most of them at the very end. I like this race. It suits me. It seems as though my internet stopped working sometime between the time I opened this page and right now, so I may or may not be able to put any silly links in today. Sorry to those of you who only come here to click the links and skim through my shenanigans. This just in-internet temporarily working again.
Speaking of slacking off super hard, we got to pick our future outpatient clinics for the last year of school yesterday. Fortunately for myself, I got to pick mine somewhere in the first 45% of people and I got the clinic that I wanted to go to. And fortunately for my future real patients, I picked the really hard clinic where I'm going to actually have to try on a day to day basis. "Whuuuuuuaaaaaaahh?" you say? "Drew, why did you pick the hard clinic? That's going to cut so far back on your pet rock time and therefore your time that you can write this blog that we all love so very much and can't live without." Well I have 2 responses for both of you who said that (you know who you are):
1) I'm getting an iphone in a few days (hopefully) so I can blog from freaking anywhere
2) If I' still writing this blog in 14 months and you're still reading it regularly then I think we both need to reevaluate our lives. I know things are great now but inevitably my writing will get even more stale than it already is and you'll get busy and I'll realize that I ran out of things to say at about blog #34 and we'll just drift apart like all healthy relationships do. We'll pretend like we haven't for the sake of the children but at some point we'll have to face it and cut our losses and either break up or realize that we're both too old to date again and just be friends with benefits and a shared bank account. Hey, maybe we can even be swingers or something. Don't worry. It'll work out. See, even now you're starting to think these long stories that really don't make any sense in regards to the original topic are less funny than they once were. I can tell. You don't laugh at my jokes like you used to. It has begun.
So I got 27 views from the netherlands yesterday. I can think of 3 things that could have happened here:
1) There's a friend of the blog who told a friend of their's either from or studying abroad in the Netherlands about this site and they thought it was kinda funny and told their friends about it and they read a little bit, giggled, and that'll be the end of it
2) One of my random pictures I put up links to for some reason was popular amongst a small group of Dutch people yesterday.
3) Somebody from the Netherlands stumbled upon (I don't think I'm actually on stumbleupon.com, but I should be. Somebody put me on there) my blog and now I'm about to spread like wildfire through Holland and become their David Hasselhoff, and I'll have to go there and make music videos and meet their president or chancellor or prime minister or whatever they have there and hang out with their soccer team and eventually run for public office. Although this seems like the most likely situation, I really don't think I'm cut out for public office. I'm too maverick-y. Goose would have made a good politician, but Maverick is just no good. Too hot headed. And everybody who has seen Top Gun and knows me immediately makes the connection between me and good old Mav. But really I've just been told that I look kind of like Sarah Palin a couple times. And I'm OK with that. Because I think I would look good in tight leather jackets, and I really love America.
I don't know how many of you have heard about this, but Libyan dictator Moammar Ghadaffi died this weekend. That only means one thing to me personally, and that is that a dictator job just opened! I'm so excited, one of these openings hasn't happened since Saddaam got found in that hold like 6 years ago. I'm scrambling to get my resume together so that I can be considered for the position. What's that? you guys think that dictators just rise to power? Ok, I guess I'm gonna have to spell it out for you. Here goes.
When a dictator job opens, which is pretty freaking rare (that cuban guy is like 130), all the remaining world dictators hold a meeting at Kim Jong Il's house to determine who the next dictator will be. It's not always in the same country, but there is always a steady number of dictators. We like to maintain a healthy number, kind of like how your body maintains blood glucose. Why Kim Jong Il's house you ask? Because the guy can throw a party. What about that face doesn't just scream life of the party? So I've wanted to be a dictator for-e-ver. And you really have to start young, so you can establish yourself and grow into your craziness. Nobody will listen to a crazy old guy unless you've been around for like 30 years. I gotta get my people used to my own brand of crazy, and kinda ease them into it. You can't just walk in at 60 and start demanding candy in the shape of your ears and that all your faucets be edible. You gotta start small and work your way to edible faucets. Ok now I'm stuck on edible faucets. That's a good idea. Admit it. That's going in my long term plan for my dictator resume. Don't you people dare steal it. So yeah, that's the gist of it. I'm trying to be the newest dictator candidate. If they give it to another Asian I'm gonna file a racism complaint with the department of dictatorial decisions (DDD). Just because I'm a white American male doesn't mean I can't be a good dictator. The world is always trying to hold us white american men back. Totally not fair.
Alright well I've been awake for well over an hour now, so it's high time I got back to sleep. Here's your haiku.
sleep for the whole day
dreaming about dictating
for generations
Sunday, October 23, 2011
rise and shine boys and girls
Sunday mornings are the best mornings. M&M pancakes, soccer, laying in bed for hours on end. And on top of that, completely hangover free. I gotta have relaxed Saturday nights more often. It just feels so right. I woke up at 7:45 today, and I'm not even mad about it. Not even a little bit. Did I eat too many pancakes? Of course I did. Have I essentially already digested them? I think so. There must be something in pancakes that makes the gastrocolic reflex go super hard. Somebody research that. What is it about eating your own body weight in pancakes that makes you have to poop immediately after. Maybe that will be my senior research project. Thank god for this blog, because otherwise that brilliant idea might have gone to waste.
Yesterday was literally the best weather in the history of the world. It was 72F and sunny. and then it was 6:30 and apparently that's night time. That's by far the worst part about not living on the equator. Super short days. I need more than 12 hours of light. Maybe I'll plan on living in Finland every summer and somewhere in south america in the winter when I'm old. I would like it to never be dark out. Is that so much to ask? I'm just trying to avoid vampires here. I'm really gonna need that personal artificial sun asap. I really don't think that's too much to ask. I'm only gonna be alive for so long, especially if I try to keep skating into my 40's. Clearly I'm gonna be dead pretty soon, so somebody help me out here.
Yesterday I played skateboarding, and I tried to tell some people afterwards why it's so awesome. Failed miserably. And here is why: I suck at explaining things. I'm just the worst. Here's what happens when I try to talk for more than like 15 words: They all turn into one word and try to come out at the same time. My tongue tries to make like 4 sounds at once that just can't be done. Like a G, F, R, and S sound all at once. Then my brain gets mad at me and shuts off and then I just say something stupid, and fortunately I'm really attractive so people think they like me anyway. All my professors at school talk about giving little educational speeches and that kind of thing, but I think if I try to do that I will have no patients. Everyone will think I'm an idiot. But I will be wearing a bow tie most of the time, so that might work in my favor. My generation associates bow ties with Bill Nye, and that was the guy everybody learned science from, so maybe people will still think I'm smart just because of the bow tie. I'll just have to get custom sky blue doctor jackets and get way skinnier. When people actually start making the connection I'll just have to tell them to get out. Because subliminal Bill Nye suggestions are fine, but when people figure out that you're actually trying to look like Bill Nye, then you seem crazy. I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that's the rule.
I've been getting really into weird semi-electro indie pop recently. I have this tendency to be embarrassed of stuff that I like, and this case is no different. For example, the last 2 artists that just came up on pandora are Swedish electro-pop bands, and I'm pretty embarrassed to say that I'm super into it. There's a chance I'm developing robot ears. People like to say cliche things like "do what you love" and all that crap, but let's be honest. You're all judging me super hard now. I can hear your future thoughts through my blogosphere. "Ha Drew is so lame. What kind of person has a blog and listens to foreign electronic music? I'll tell you what kind. The lamest of the lame. And stop writing about skateboarding, nobody who reads this thing skates and it doesn't make sense to any of us. You're 22 years old, learn to play guitar and go through a rasta/wu tang phase like everybody else.'' Well you know what? I already went through a Wu Tang phase in high school and I kinda made a tiny effort to learn bass last semester and I just didn't like it that much OK? Lay off me I'm starving.
I've said "lay off me I'm starving" like 4 times in the past couple weeks, and I have got a total of 0 responses that have anything to do with Chris Farley. I've been pretty disappointed. Do people not think Chris Farley is funny in the midwest? I didn't think it was that obscure of a reference and I've tried it in a number of different demographics. I guess I'm just gonna have to put it on the back burner until I get back home. That joke didn't test well, and I suppose it's time to move past it. But I like french fries and Chris Farley and cross dressing so much. Oh well. Objectivity, Drew. Objectivity. You are nothing if you can't stay objective. Comedy requires a differential diagnosis just as much as health care. it's not magic, it's science.
Time for more soccer and some stuff that doesn't involve writing nonsense into the internet. T-minus 5 days until iPhone. I hope. I haven't written a haiku in a while. Here goes.
swedish electro
and creepy female singers
give me ear-gasms
That was pretty good for being rusty. They call me the rusty haiku
Yesterday was literally the best weather in the history of the world. It was 72F and sunny. and then it was 6:30 and apparently that's night time. That's by far the worst part about not living on the equator. Super short days. I need more than 12 hours of light. Maybe I'll plan on living in Finland every summer and somewhere in south america in the winter when I'm old. I would like it to never be dark out. Is that so much to ask? I'm just trying to avoid vampires here. I'm really gonna need that personal artificial sun asap. I really don't think that's too much to ask. I'm only gonna be alive for so long, especially if I try to keep skating into my 40's. Clearly I'm gonna be dead pretty soon, so somebody help me out here.
Yesterday I played skateboarding, and I tried to tell some people afterwards why it's so awesome. Failed miserably. And here is why: I suck at explaining things. I'm just the worst. Here's what happens when I try to talk for more than like 15 words: They all turn into one word and try to come out at the same time. My tongue tries to make like 4 sounds at once that just can't be done. Like a G, F, R, and S sound all at once. Then my brain gets mad at me and shuts off and then I just say something stupid, and fortunately I'm really attractive so people think they like me anyway. All my professors at school talk about giving little educational speeches and that kind of thing, but I think if I try to do that I will have no patients. Everyone will think I'm an idiot. But I will be wearing a bow tie most of the time, so that might work in my favor. My generation associates bow ties with Bill Nye, and that was the guy everybody learned science from, so maybe people will still think I'm smart just because of the bow tie. I'll just have to get custom sky blue doctor jackets and get way skinnier. When people actually start making the connection I'll just have to tell them to get out. Because subliminal Bill Nye suggestions are fine, but when people figure out that you're actually trying to look like Bill Nye, then you seem crazy. I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that's the rule.
I've been getting really into weird semi-electro indie pop recently. I have this tendency to be embarrassed of stuff that I like, and this case is no different. For example, the last 2 artists that just came up on pandora are Swedish electro-pop bands, and I'm pretty embarrassed to say that I'm super into it. There's a chance I'm developing robot ears. People like to say cliche things like "do what you love" and all that crap, but let's be honest. You're all judging me super hard now. I can hear your future thoughts through my blogosphere. "Ha Drew is so lame. What kind of person has a blog and listens to foreign electronic music? I'll tell you what kind. The lamest of the lame. And stop writing about skateboarding, nobody who reads this thing skates and it doesn't make sense to any of us. You're 22 years old, learn to play guitar and go through a rasta/wu tang phase like everybody else.'' Well you know what? I already went through a Wu Tang phase in high school and I kinda made a tiny effort to learn bass last semester and I just didn't like it that much OK? Lay off me I'm starving.
I've said "lay off me I'm starving" like 4 times in the past couple weeks, and I have got a total of 0 responses that have anything to do with Chris Farley. I've been pretty disappointed. Do people not think Chris Farley is funny in the midwest? I didn't think it was that obscure of a reference and I've tried it in a number of different demographics. I guess I'm just gonna have to put it on the back burner until I get back home. That joke didn't test well, and I suppose it's time to move past it. But I like french fries and Chris Farley and cross dressing so much. Oh well. Objectivity, Drew. Objectivity. You are nothing if you can't stay objective. Comedy requires a differential diagnosis just as much as health care. it's not magic, it's science.
Time for more soccer and some stuff that doesn't involve writing nonsense into the internet. T-minus 5 days until iPhone. I hope. I haven't written a haiku in a while. Here goes.
swedish electro
and creepy female singers
give me ear-gasms
That was pretty good for being rusty. They call me the rusty haiku
Saturday, October 22, 2011
profundity is probably not a word
i think ive been slacking on blogging this week. But you will receive no apologies. Because I'm an american and I don't have to apologize for anything. Because God has chosen this country to dominate world policy for about the past 85 years on one of 10 planets (pluto counts people) that orbits one of somewhere between 10 sextillion and 1 septillion stars in the universe. Perspective people. Get some. But mainly continue to focus on yourself because the extent of our insignificance renders anything that we could do so not relevant that you might as well just smoke all the meth you can find and enjoi whatever you can. Or maybe just do whatever you want. Because there's probably aliens out there betting on your life and you might as well make the one who bet on "that guy will do something productive for the society that he has subscribed to" win, since although said life form probably didn't have faith in you, at least he wagered something in your favor and you kinda owe him that, assuming that have similar reproductive systems as we do and they can actually be classified as male or female. If they don't we're gonna have a hard time explaining our style of engineering to them because they really won't get "male" and "female" pieces. I assume your minds have been blown. More talk about farts next paragraph.
so I've been playing fart tennis with my boy G for the past couple days (sorry Tim, that's why I never farted back at you) and it's been awesome. The only problem is that neither of us care about the score enough to keep track. Fart texts are just so funny that we lose count of who farted when. Thanks Matt for introducing me to a game that there was no way I could maintain in any way anything that even resembles competition. Fart noises are too funny to put them against each other. I wish there was a game we could play that could only be won by having the funniest fart. Seems like I just made up a new game--you and a friend have 4 chances at fart noises each. Whoever has the funniest of the farts wins. And this game is probably going to be the most objective game ever played. You just determine how hard you laughed at each fart. Context and place received counts. The only rule is that when you receive the fart text you have to play it at maximum speaker volume your phone can provide. Then you gauge how funny it was. Be honest, because karma is real. Not really, but i said it, double stamp, no backsies, all that stuff. You can't triple stamp a double stamp.
This is another late night blog. It's important that you all take everything I say seriously and take it to heart. I hope Shanele reads my blog by now. We're good enough friends right? Anna, get your girl to read my blog. I take back all the mocking comments about your (plural you) relationship. Shanele kills it and she deserves to be recognized for it. I hope this is enough flattery to actually get you to read this. Really, it's pretty funny on a regular basis. Don't judge me for having a blog, I swear I'm not lame.
I am lame.
When you write a blog
make sure that it's worth reading
unlike all this crap
I hope someone enjoyed this. This was probably not a good blog. publish post
so I've been playing fart tennis with my boy G for the past couple days (sorry Tim, that's why I never farted back at you) and it's been awesome. The only problem is that neither of us care about the score enough to keep track. Fart texts are just so funny that we lose count of who farted when. Thanks Matt for introducing me to a game that there was no way I could maintain in any way anything that even resembles competition. Fart noises are too funny to put them against each other. I wish there was a game we could play that could only be won by having the funniest fart. Seems like I just made up a new game--you and a friend have 4 chances at fart noises each. Whoever has the funniest of the farts wins. And this game is probably going to be the most objective game ever played. You just determine how hard you laughed at each fart. Context and place received counts. The only rule is that when you receive the fart text you have to play it at maximum speaker volume your phone can provide. Then you gauge how funny it was. Be honest, because karma is real. Not really, but i said it, double stamp, no backsies, all that stuff. You can't triple stamp a double stamp.
This is another late night blog. It's important that you all take everything I say seriously and take it to heart. I hope Shanele reads my blog by now. We're good enough friends right? Anna, get your girl to read my blog. I take back all the mocking comments about your (plural you) relationship. Shanele kills it and she deserves to be recognized for it. I hope this is enough flattery to actually get you to read this. Really, it's pretty funny on a regular basis. Don't judge me for having a blog, I swear I'm not lame.
I am lame.
When you write a blog
make sure that it's worth reading
unlike all this crap
I hope someone enjoyed this. This was probably not a good blog. publish post
Thursday, October 20, 2011
cut short due to skateboarding
Major setback in the iphone acquiring process: there is a backorder. DUN DUN DUNNNNNN. Wondering what exactly that entails? It means I have to wait A WHOLE WEEK to get one. To say I'm upset is a statement, and an accurate one. To say I'm very upset is an exaggeration. I have become surprisingly tame in my old age. I'm thinking it has something to do with all the snacking. It's easier to be content with a full belly. For example, I just ate another tub of hummus. If there is one good thing about being 22, it's that my incredible good looks are at a peak. If there are 2 good things, the 2nd is that I can eat so much food with really no negative side effects. That includes any negative implications for my incredible good looks. God I'm attractive. What was I talking about again?
Today I wore a hoodless sweatshirt for the first time in a long time, and let me tell you something--it felt FANtastic. All the warmth and room of a regular sweatshirt without the hood bouncing around behind my neck. I like hoods as much as the next guy, but if I'm not gonna be using it I see no reason to bother myself with all the extra material. It's called efficiency people. How do you think I graduated college a year early? Because I'm some sort of super genius? Nope. Because I started wearing hoodless sweatshirts freshman year and never looked back. I gotta bring the rest of my collection back to school. Or at least the Harvard Medical School one. I bet I can get some dirty looks in the hall with that one. Maybe I'll finally make somebody's "I hate that guy even though I've never met him" list at Logan. I've always felt out at the lack of unexplained dirty looks. I gotta start making enemies so I fit in better. I'm sure advertising medicine will make somebody hate me. I mean, come one, everybody knows that medication never did anything good for anyone so anybody who condones the use of any man-made chemical remedies must be beelzebub. By the way I think google is a satan worshiping company because they wanted me to capitalize "beelzebub," presumably as a sign of respect. If my blog gets taken down in the next few hours or I go missing only to be found in a tub of formaldehyde 2 months later in a swamp, you'll know that google has hired Dexter to dispose of its enemies. Aaaaaaaand that's how you write a blog people.
I really need to stop eating in bed. It's really not a good look to have crumbs all over your bed and empty popcorn bags in the trash next to your mattress. And I do mean bags. I'm not very consistent at emptying my room trash bins and I also eat popcorn in bed embarrassingly often. I just realized that it's been over a year since I've been in the ocean. I hate myself so much. Why are there places that are so far away from the ocean? People out here are so psyched on lakes, but it's really only because they're in denial. Guys, the internet just told me that denial is only the first stage of grief. Although I guess even if you make it through all the other stages, you're gonna end up right back with acceptance, which is essentially the same as denial in this case. You're just gonna end up back at the lake doin lake stuff. Don't get me wrong, wakeboarding and stuff is pretty cool, but really I've lost interest in this topic because I just got a call from the Wass and we're gonna go play skateboarding. His exact words were "time to shred." so I believe it's time to go kill it.
Deeboheebo--out.
Really though, Andy used to call me that before he started calling me Wematanye and then Whimmy. Here was the progression:
D-Lo-->Dlo Brown-->Dlo Brownside-->Deebo-->DeeboHeebo-->Dr. Deebo-->Dr. Wematanye-->Dr. Wematanye of the Institute for Wematanyes-->Whimmy
That guy is gonna do something awesome someday and we will all benefit from it.
Today I wore a hoodless sweatshirt for the first time in a long time, and let me tell you something--it felt FANtastic. All the warmth and room of a regular sweatshirt without the hood bouncing around behind my neck. I like hoods as much as the next guy, but if I'm not gonna be using it I see no reason to bother myself with all the extra material. It's called efficiency people. How do you think I graduated college a year early? Because I'm some sort of super genius? Nope. Because I started wearing hoodless sweatshirts freshman year and never looked back. I gotta bring the rest of my collection back to school. Or at least the Harvard Medical School one. I bet I can get some dirty looks in the hall with that one. Maybe I'll finally make somebody's "I hate that guy even though I've never met him" list at Logan. I've always felt out at the lack of unexplained dirty looks. I gotta start making enemies so I fit in better. I'm sure advertising medicine will make somebody hate me. I mean, come one, everybody knows that medication never did anything good for anyone so anybody who condones the use of any man-made chemical remedies must be beelzebub. By the way I think google is a satan worshiping company because they wanted me to capitalize "beelzebub," presumably as a sign of respect. If my blog gets taken down in the next few hours or I go missing only to be found in a tub of formaldehyde 2 months later in a swamp, you'll know that google has hired Dexter to dispose of its enemies. Aaaaaaaand that's how you write a blog people.
I really need to stop eating in bed. It's really not a good look to have crumbs all over your bed and empty popcorn bags in the trash next to your mattress. And I do mean bags. I'm not very consistent at emptying my room trash bins and I also eat popcorn in bed embarrassingly often. I just realized that it's been over a year since I've been in the ocean. I hate myself so much. Why are there places that are so far away from the ocean? People out here are so psyched on lakes, but it's really only because they're in denial. Guys, the internet just told me that denial is only the first stage of grief. Although I guess even if you make it through all the other stages, you're gonna end up right back with acceptance, which is essentially the same as denial in this case. You're just gonna end up back at the lake doin lake stuff. Don't get me wrong, wakeboarding and stuff is pretty cool, but really I've lost interest in this topic because I just got a call from the Wass and we're gonna go play skateboarding. His exact words were "time to shred." so I believe it's time to go kill it.
Deeboheebo--out.
Really though, Andy used to call me that before he started calling me Wematanye and then Whimmy. Here was the progression:
D-Lo-->Dlo Brown-->Dlo Brownside-->Deebo-->DeeboHeebo-->Dr. Deebo-->Dr. Wematanye-->Dr. Wematanye of the Institute for Wematanyes-->Whimmy
That guy is gonna do something awesome someday and we will all benefit from it.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
haiku killers
You see people? this is why I let my readers write the haikus for me. Do yourself a favor and go read last post's comments. All 3 of them. That's right. I got 3 comments. I'm blowing up like a leaf blower in the positive Y axis. That was rather literal. but I like it. So it will remain.
I played connect four today. But not the plastic 3D version. I drew it on a piece of paper and played with my boy the Wass. That didn't come out right. The Wass and I played with each other today during class. No. We played connect four with all of our clothes on and nothing gay happened. Not that there's anything wrong with that. This paragraph can bring me nothing but trouble. And maybe a few laughs? Eh? eh? eh? I know, going the blatant gay joke route is kind of cheap and tasteless, but this is a free website so you're gonna have to take what you can get. And what you get here is low quality, usually incoherent, poorly worded drivel that appeals to only the bottom rung of society. AKA graduate students. Boom you've all been roasted.
Speaking of graduate students, I had my ortho midterm practical today. I HATE gowns. I refuse to ever wear a gown again after I graduate. Unless, of course, I'm in a hospital and they're gonna give me a whole lot of drugs. As a future chiropractor, I feel like I should clarify that last statement. I'm a holistic kind of practitioner, meaning that I want the whole spectrum of drugs. All of them. Give them to me now. I have a serious morphine deficiency, and the only thing that can fix me is more cowbell. I mean morphine. See? I can't even think straight. Someone get me some prescription drugs asap. By the way, that christopher walken website is pure genius. I would like to start putting that picture up in public bathrooms like the internet told me to. Oh great internet, what else shall I do after christopher walken has taken his rightful place in handicap stalls across suburban missouri? I will do as you say with no backtalk or loud obscene outbursts.
I realize tourettes is a disease that apparently google doesn't think is a word, but it's still kind of a funny disease as far as diseases goes. And you know that guy thinks it's kinda funny too, otherwise he definitely wouldn't have posted that on youtube. Or he's faking, because I don't know how it goes with singing and tourettes, but something tells me that it's not like this otherwise people with tourettes would just never stop singing. If I was that woman I would just be in really good shape and jog all the time. On a separate but equal note, clearly I just found the cure for tourettes. Somebody get me a Nobel prize. I could use that million bucks or 3 million dollars or whatever they give you as a prize. I'll even take it in Switzerland money or Swedish money or whatever country gives out the nobel prize. Finland? I don't know. Just give me free stuff so Mom and Dad don't have to keep funding my life. I'm 22 for god's sake, I should be rich and stuff by now. If this was the 1500's I would have had kids and died of the plague by now. Instead I'm rotting in my swivel chair in 142B. Get me into clinic right now.
It's hockey season guys. and Winnipeg is back in the NHL. All hail Winnipeg. There's your Canadian geography lesson for the day.
Alright, time for me to at least pretend to study for orthopedics now. Oh real quick, Anna asked me if she was in my blog yesterday. In case you ask tomorrow, Anna, you are now in the blog today. Stop thrusting so hard in Diversified. First you have to climb all up in my personal jawn and then you're gonna thrust on me every time Filson tells you to body drop thrust and hold?
Highlights of that last paragraph:
-Anna climbed on me during class
-Anna thrusted on me during class
That will be all.
P.S. you wanted in the blog, you got in the blog.
I played connect four today. But not the plastic 3D version. I drew it on a piece of paper and played with my boy the Wass. That didn't come out right. The Wass and I played with each other today during class. No. We played connect four with all of our clothes on and nothing gay happened. Not that there's anything wrong with that. This paragraph can bring me nothing but trouble. And maybe a few laughs? Eh? eh? eh? I know, going the blatant gay joke route is kind of cheap and tasteless, but this is a free website so you're gonna have to take what you can get. And what you get here is low quality, usually incoherent, poorly worded drivel that appeals to only the bottom rung of society. AKA graduate students. Boom you've all been roasted.
Speaking of graduate students, I had my ortho midterm practical today. I HATE gowns. I refuse to ever wear a gown again after I graduate. Unless, of course, I'm in a hospital and they're gonna give me a whole lot of drugs. As a future chiropractor, I feel like I should clarify that last statement. I'm a holistic kind of practitioner, meaning that I want the whole spectrum of drugs. All of them. Give them to me now. I have a serious morphine deficiency, and the only thing that can fix me is more cowbell. I mean morphine. See? I can't even think straight. Someone get me some prescription drugs asap. By the way, that christopher walken website is pure genius. I would like to start putting that picture up in public bathrooms like the internet told me to. Oh great internet, what else shall I do after christopher walken has taken his rightful place in handicap stalls across suburban missouri? I will do as you say with no backtalk or loud obscene outbursts.
I realize tourettes is a disease that apparently google doesn't think is a word, but it's still kind of a funny disease as far as diseases goes. And you know that guy thinks it's kinda funny too, otherwise he definitely wouldn't have posted that on youtube. Or he's faking, because I don't know how it goes with singing and tourettes, but something tells me that it's not like this otherwise people with tourettes would just never stop singing. If I was that woman I would just be in really good shape and jog all the time. On a separate but equal note, clearly I just found the cure for tourettes. Somebody get me a Nobel prize. I could use that million bucks or 3 million dollars or whatever they give you as a prize. I'll even take it in Switzerland money or Swedish money or whatever country gives out the nobel prize. Finland? I don't know. Just give me free stuff so Mom and Dad don't have to keep funding my life. I'm 22 for god's sake, I should be rich and stuff by now. If this was the 1500's I would have had kids and died of the plague by now. Instead I'm rotting in my swivel chair in 142B. Get me into clinic right now.
It's hockey season guys. and Winnipeg is back in the NHL. All hail Winnipeg. There's your Canadian geography lesson for the day.
Alright, time for me to at least pretend to study for orthopedics now. Oh real quick, Anna asked me if she was in my blog yesterday. In case you ask tomorrow, Anna, you are now in the blog today. Stop thrusting so hard in Diversified. First you have to climb all up in my personal jawn and then you're gonna thrust on me every time Filson tells you to body drop thrust and hold?
Highlights of that last paragraph:
-Anna climbed on me during class
-Anna thrusted on me during class
That will be all.
P.S. you wanted in the blog, you got in the blog.
Monday, October 17, 2011
I did something bad today. It rained and I left my sunroof open. Bad choice every time. By my calculations, this was the third? or maybe fourth time I have done this to myself. And that is why they call me soggy butt. Fortunately I only left it about 1/3 of the way open, but unfortunately that does not mean that the parts of my car that got wet are only 1/3 wet. On the contrary, they were and continue to be very wet, which in turn makes my butt very wet. And that is why they do and will continue to call me soggy butt. They do call me that. Don't look at me like that.
Another thing that happened today is that it was cold. And with the cold comes ashy face skin. And that is why every winter they call me Lotion face. I do a lot of giggling in the winter as I lotion my face. I would be a good spokesperson for that. You know, that is the first time I've ever written spokesperson and it does not look like the right word for what it means. Do you think the first spokesperson was a spokesman for spokes? Or do you think it was that they had spoken for the product? I hope both. I could use a good ironic twist. I guess technically that would just be a coincidence, but I'm willing to stretch the definition of "irony" for my own purposes. You don't like it? Find another blog. Wow that was aggressive. Please keep reading. We here at Please excuse our appearance value your pageview. Please hold.
Your pageview is important to us. Please hold.
Do you see what I did there? I just customer serviced you. To the face. I hope you feel served. I'm convinced that group dance battles happened for real at some point in American history. The elaborate choreographed kind too. I see no reason to not settle disputes that way, except that I would lose every time, and I'm not accustomed to losing. So that is a reason. We will not be settling disputes with dance offs, at least not as white people. You other races can do whatever you want, as long as when you come argue with me we do it in whatever obscure format I choose. Like yahtzee or backgammon or something that white people do. Math problems maybe. I dunno. What do we do? Someone help me. I really only know what Maryland does. That was a solid movie quote reference. I'm curious if anyone besides my newest reader Jay got that just from reading the link. Because everyone knows that Jay knows more about movies than is healthy. Maybe if you spent more time studying and less time watching movies you could make something of yourself Jay. Oh, you mean you're gonna be a doctor at 24 and you have like a 3.7 GPA? Oh ok. As you were.
I'm listening to a song in French right now and I'm super into it. Does that make me a bad american? What is it we don't like about French people again? Their skinny moustaches? Or is it their thinly striped shirts? Or their phallic loaves of bread? Sorry france, I'm just seeing a basket of overcompensation. Cut it out and stop being so french.
I still haven't got my iphone4s. The way you will know that I got it is that I will be writing like a thousand blogs a day. or at least one at some point during most mornings. And I will also probably say something like "THIS IS MY FIRST BLOG WRITTEN ON MY NEW IPHONE." That will be your biggest hint. Stupid Verizon. Just give me my iphone already. I'm impatient and irrationally demanding. Also I saw one of those Hitler dubbed over videos today about the new iphone. it was funny. You can google it if you want, but the funniest part to me was "How will everyone be able to tell that I am better than them if my iphone looks exactly like the old one!?" Such wisdom. I think I just called hitler wise by accident. I'm becoming a Zisk. Don't worry non-UD readers, Zisk isn't actually a racist or anti-semite. He just once told my dad that it was cool that my grandparents had to run away from the nazis to Shanghai. There might be some other context that I'm forgetting, but I don't think so.
Alright time for bed loyal readers. I'll let the comment crowd write your haikus because theirs are typically way better anyway. Take it away Tim/Shaq/Matt/SPFP. I know you won't let me down.
Another thing that happened today is that it was cold. And with the cold comes ashy face skin. And that is why every winter they call me Lotion face. I do a lot of giggling in the winter as I lotion my face. I would be a good spokesperson for that. You know, that is the first time I've ever written spokesperson and it does not look like the right word for what it means. Do you think the first spokesperson was a spokesman for spokes? Or do you think it was that they had spoken for the product? I hope both. I could use a good ironic twist. I guess technically that would just be a coincidence, but I'm willing to stretch the definition of "irony" for my own purposes. You don't like it? Find another blog. Wow that was aggressive. Please keep reading. We here at Please excuse our appearance value your pageview. Please hold.
Your pageview is important to us. Please hold.
Do you see what I did there? I just customer serviced you. To the face. I hope you feel served. I'm convinced that group dance battles happened for real at some point in American history. The elaborate choreographed kind too. I see no reason to not settle disputes that way, except that I would lose every time, and I'm not accustomed to losing. So that is a reason. We will not be settling disputes with dance offs, at least not as white people. You other races can do whatever you want, as long as when you come argue with me we do it in whatever obscure format I choose. Like yahtzee or backgammon or something that white people do. Math problems maybe. I dunno. What do we do? Someone help me. I really only know what Maryland does. That was a solid movie quote reference. I'm curious if anyone besides my newest reader Jay got that just from reading the link. Because everyone knows that Jay knows more about movies than is healthy. Maybe if you spent more time studying and less time watching movies you could make something of yourself Jay. Oh, you mean you're gonna be a doctor at 24 and you have like a 3.7 GPA? Oh ok. As you were.
I'm listening to a song in French right now and I'm super into it. Does that make me a bad american? What is it we don't like about French people again? Their skinny moustaches? Or is it their thinly striped shirts? Or their phallic loaves of bread? Sorry france, I'm just seeing a basket of overcompensation. Cut it out and stop being so french.
I still haven't got my iphone4s. The way you will know that I got it is that I will be writing like a thousand blogs a day. or at least one at some point during most mornings. And I will also probably say something like "THIS IS MY FIRST BLOG WRITTEN ON MY NEW IPHONE." That will be your biggest hint. Stupid Verizon. Just give me my iphone already. I'm impatient and irrationally demanding. Also I saw one of those Hitler dubbed over videos today about the new iphone. it was funny. You can google it if you want, but the funniest part to me was "How will everyone be able to tell that I am better than them if my iphone looks exactly like the old one!?" Such wisdom. I think I just called hitler wise by accident. I'm becoming a Zisk. Don't worry non-UD readers, Zisk isn't actually a racist or anti-semite. He just once told my dad that it was cool that my grandparents had to run away from the nazis to Shanghai. There might be some other context that I'm forgetting, but I don't think so.
Alright time for bed loyal readers. I'll let the comment crowd write your haikus because theirs are typically way better anyway. Take it away Tim/Shaq/Matt/SPFP. I know you won't let me down.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
don't suit down
i got a new reader tonight. Jay. Jay if you continue to read this blog you will realize that the only reason people keep reading is because I occasionally give personal shoutouts. This is your first one. I hope this holds you over for a while.
I got new cleats today. they're sweet. umbro. Remember when umbro went out of business or something? At least that's what all my friends in the 4th grade told me. I assume they're right because I believe everything I hear or read. This is America, and the free market regulates what is the truth. POLITICAL JOKE! But seriously umbro kills it. And their logo is sick. Simplicity is paramount with logos. That's what new sports teams don't get. Let's compare for a second hockey logos. One of the original 6 vs. some expansion team. Which is better? Obviously the B on the wheel. Be real guys. Shiny logos suck. You know what kills it? adidas. Best logo of all time. They literally monopolized three parallel lines. Every time you see 3 lines, it's adidas. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE. Here is the board meeting for when they decided what the adidas logo should be:
Hey guys, what should be our logo that will define our company forever?
How about 3 lines?
No that's stupid.
How about 3 lines, but like on a slant?
BRILLIANT
And thus concludes the creation of adidas. I love you adidas. You're just so cool.
Tonight at the bar I was talking to some girl that I really didn't want to talk to but was being cordial with anyway, and then she said "Hold on one second I just have to put down my purse." She never came back. I wasn't upset. BUT, I wish more people would just C Woosh it and say "I'm done talking to you." There is no better way to end a conversation than that. C Woosh you're an inspiration. I hope you have fun playing with puppies tomorrow.
guys. I'm playing paintball tomorrow. Guess what I bought in preparation for paintball? A SUIT. I am gonna kill it so hard tomorrow. Just James Bonding all over the place. I'm gonna bond so hard they're gonna call me Covalent Drew (chemistry joke). I'll try to remember to post a picture of how awesome I look at a later date. But probably I'll just forget and blog about how awesome I was. But really I'm not gonna be good at this. But at least I'll look like a boss. Here's your haiku
paintball in a suit
in case nph is there
he'll be gay with me
suit up.
I got new cleats today. they're sweet. umbro. Remember when umbro went out of business or something? At least that's what all my friends in the 4th grade told me. I assume they're right because I believe everything I hear or read. This is America, and the free market regulates what is the truth. POLITICAL JOKE! But seriously umbro kills it. And their logo is sick. Simplicity is paramount with logos. That's what new sports teams don't get. Let's compare for a second hockey logos. One of the original 6 vs. some expansion team. Which is better? Obviously the B on the wheel. Be real guys. Shiny logos suck. You know what kills it? adidas. Best logo of all time. They literally monopolized three parallel lines. Every time you see 3 lines, it's adidas. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE. Here is the board meeting for when they decided what the adidas logo should be:
Hey guys, what should be our logo that will define our company forever?
How about 3 lines?
No that's stupid.
How about 3 lines, but like on a slant?
BRILLIANT
And thus concludes the creation of adidas. I love you adidas. You're just so cool.
Tonight at the bar I was talking to some girl that I really didn't want to talk to but was being cordial with anyway, and then she said "Hold on one second I just have to put down my purse." She never came back. I wasn't upset. BUT, I wish more people would just C Woosh it and say "I'm done talking to you." There is no better way to end a conversation than that. C Woosh you're an inspiration. I hope you have fun playing with puppies tomorrow.
guys. I'm playing paintball tomorrow. Guess what I bought in preparation for paintball? A SUIT. I am gonna kill it so hard tomorrow. Just James Bonding all over the place. I'm gonna bond so hard they're gonna call me Covalent Drew (chemistry joke). I'll try to remember to post a picture of how awesome I look at a later date. But probably I'll just forget and blog about how awesome I was. But really I'm not gonna be good at this. But at least I'll look like a boss. Here's your haiku
paintball in a suit
in case nph is there
he'll be gay with me
suit up.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
I'm feering a rittrr ronery
you know what I've had enough of? crotch rips in my pants. Am I the only person in the world who gets crotch rips? I swear, the last like 4 pairs of pants that I've had to throw away are from crotch rips. They call me powerful crotch Drew. But seriously, too many crotch holes. People who are designing pants, fix this asap. I bet you can't make a pair of pants that I don't rip the crotch in within 2 years. I currently have 2 pairs of pants that I wear regularly that have at least minor crotch rip. Sometimes you gotta let it all hang out.
I miss the days where I didn't wear underwear on a regular basis. Now that I have palpation lab and stuff err day I think it's inappropriate. But underwear is so lame. Who needs two layers of clothes? What am I, an eskimo? My butt is hot enough as it is (pun) without having to double up layers. I was gonna write something about button up sleeveless shirts to make a point about how much I would like to avoid wearing clothes if at all possible, and then I remembered that button up sleeveless shirts are called vests. And since I'm not a high school football player at prom, I can't just be wearing a vest all by itself. Boom roasted. All of the high school football players, along with your skinny friend who hung out with you but didn't actually play football but still did the vest thing at prom so he could fit in. It's ok skinny kid, we get that you're insecure. We all were, it was high school. High stress period for everybody. We just wished that you would have been friends with us like you were in middle school. When did you decide that I wasn't cool enough to hang out with you? I thought we were so close, and then you just stopped talking to me and started wearing skinny silver chains and got your ears pierced. I hope you're happy. I miss you.
That was a pretty solid emo blog section. I think I'm gonna start incorporating that into this blog more often. That segment will be called "Emo paragraph that obviously isn't true because I'm so awesome but seriously I have feelings too guys." Sounds promising. It'll be the best way to get all of my emotions out while maintaining my manly exterior. Because, let's face it, I'm like the M&M's that are sitting next to me on my bed right now; I have a candy shell but I also melt in your mouth and not your hand. And sometimes I have peanuts in my center. I'm pretty sure that's the metaphor I was looking for. Remember when the blue M&M came out? that was a huge deal. Wasn't it? or am I making that up. Yep, that happened. Good old 1990's. Guys, Fourstar came out 15 years ago. The raddest clothing company around is 15 years old. I have 0 fourstar clothing items, and that needs to change. My next tshirt purchase will be a 4star one. The past 3 sentences are meaningless to all of you.
Today marks the 2 week-iversary of the last time I skated. I know. Mind blowing. My legs ache for skateboarding. But my toe says no. I sprained my left big toe MTP joint. It's annoying. Toes are the worst. I can't wait for evolution to replace toes with something more useful. Feet have a terrible design. Could I do better? No, but I'm not omnipotent and I'm not an engineer. Ch-ch-check out what our feet can do. NOTHING. We can't grab stuff like monkeys. We can't run really fast, we don't have hoofs. We have these mashed up almost hands with no function but to be sore when we stand up for a long time. Come on evolution. EVOLVE ME. I have the moon stone, turn me into clefable. POKEMON REFERENCE. that link has "uniblogger" in it. I guess that guy didn't know that they call me that already. even though I'm sure he picked that name first, I get to keep it because people actually talk to me. Oh nobody talks to me? OK. Sorry.
I miss the days where I didn't wear underwear on a regular basis. Now that I have palpation lab and stuff err day I think it's inappropriate. But underwear is so lame. Who needs two layers of clothes? What am I, an eskimo? My butt is hot enough as it is (pun) without having to double up layers. I was gonna write something about button up sleeveless shirts to make a point about how much I would like to avoid wearing clothes if at all possible, and then I remembered that button up sleeveless shirts are called vests. And since I'm not a high school football player at prom, I can't just be wearing a vest all by itself. Boom roasted. All of the high school football players, along with your skinny friend who hung out with you but didn't actually play football but still did the vest thing at prom so he could fit in. It's ok skinny kid, we get that you're insecure. We all were, it was high school. High stress period for everybody. We just wished that you would have been friends with us like you were in middle school. When did you decide that I wasn't cool enough to hang out with you? I thought we were so close, and then you just stopped talking to me and started wearing skinny silver chains and got your ears pierced. I hope you're happy. I miss you.
That was a pretty solid emo blog section. I think I'm gonna start incorporating that into this blog more often. That segment will be called "Emo paragraph that obviously isn't true because I'm so awesome but seriously I have feelings too guys." Sounds promising. It'll be the best way to get all of my emotions out while maintaining my manly exterior. Because, let's face it, I'm like the M&M's that are sitting next to me on my bed right now; I have a candy shell but I also melt in your mouth and not your hand. And sometimes I have peanuts in my center. I'm pretty sure that's the metaphor I was looking for. Remember when the blue M&M came out? that was a huge deal. Wasn't it? or am I making that up. Yep, that happened. Good old 1990's. Guys, Fourstar came out 15 years ago. The raddest clothing company around is 15 years old. I have 0 fourstar clothing items, and that needs to change. My next tshirt purchase will be a 4star one. The past 3 sentences are meaningless to all of you.
Today marks the 2 week-iversary of the last time I skated. I know. Mind blowing. My legs ache for skateboarding. But my toe says no. I sprained my left big toe MTP joint. It's annoying. Toes are the worst. I can't wait for evolution to replace toes with something more useful. Feet have a terrible design. Could I do better? No, but I'm not omnipotent and I'm not an engineer. Ch-ch-check out what our feet can do. NOTHING. We can't grab stuff like monkeys. We can't run really fast, we don't have hoofs. We have these mashed up almost hands with no function but to be sore when we stand up for a long time. Come on evolution. EVOLVE ME. I have the moon stone, turn me into clefable. POKEMON REFERENCE. that link has "uniblogger" in it. I guess that guy didn't know that they call me that already. even though I'm sure he picked that name first, I get to keep it because people actually talk to me. Oh nobody talks to me? OK. Sorry.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
back to the blog
well I would like to apologize for my poor blog showing over the past few days. every once in a while I actually have things to do that encroach on my blog writing and this week has had more than its fair share. I would like to emphasize the usage of 'its' rather than 'it's' in that past sentence, because it really bothers me when people use the wrong homonyms. come on guys, use the proper there/they're/their. I realize contractions have messed with your head but that's no excuse. unless you use the wrong accept/except because those have some confusing and convoluted usages that really nobody but Mrs. Brackman from good old westwood high can figure out.
So just a heads up, this post is coming at you from 2:19 current time in good old missouri. And at this time I would like to announce that I, Drew "the best blogger of all time L---- (come on, I can't put my whole name in like that. I'm gonna have patients and kids some day) is going to be an uncle in about 7 months! I KNOW I'M SO EXCITED TOO!! Quick poll, who among you thinks I will be the best uncle of all time? Oh all of you think that? Good because you're right! I just saw the first picture of the little critter today via picture message of the ultrasound my sister got, and I'm absolutely giddy. Can't remember the last time I was this excited. I know this blog isn't usually about big important life changing events, but this one is too big to not write about. I am going to kill it so hard. Am I going to live within a thousand miles of this child for the first 2 years of its life? Absolutely not. Is it going to love me more than anyone else in the whole world? YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT. My new budget is as follows (in percentages of income): Money spent on beer--4% Money spent on skateboarding--4% Money spent on things for my niece/nephew==92%. Honestly I could get married and go pro in skateboarding and win all the lotteries in the next 7 months and not be as excited about that as I am about this kid. BRIDGET HURRY UP I WANT TO MEET YOUR CHILD. To be honest I found out about this like 3 weeks ago and I wasn't allowed to tell anybody. I think I got an ulcer from the stress of holding it in. I might as well have been banned from pooping for 3 weeks. absolutely killer. but now it's out there and you all better be excited. If you're not then stop reading right now.
I learned something else cool recently. Celine Dion claps by slapping her upper forearm. I don't know about you, but where I'm from (218 east main street) that's what you do when you're talking about something that is not appropriate for this blog. I have to draw a line somewhere in the content spectrum, and that's my line. Not at poops or liquid poops or farts or sharts. At the sound a forearm slap makes. most of you know what I'm saying here. especially nick MG who doesn't read this blog. Not cool Celine. and iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeiiiiiiiii will always judge youuuuuuu for doing the SBC (infer the acronym) clap as your normal clap. Cut that out.
One last thing before I go to bed. Nurtigrain bars are way way way way way way way too small. I need a XXXXL nurtrigrain bar stat. I'm tired of these 140 cal limp sorry excuses for a snack. You made such a tasty bar nutrigrain. Now make me an America sized one. I don't want to be unpeeling god knows how many loud packages to get to your oaty blueberry-y goodness. Just one big package. That's really what everybody wants. One big package. Do you see what I did there. That was a pun. But seriously I want a 8"x22" nutrigrain bar. one that takes me like 20 minutes to eat. like 1200 calories worth of grainy nutriness. get on it people. this blog is meant to inspire. now do something that I say for once. By the way, fart tennis is the greatest game ever. Recording farts on your phone is funny every time. I'm sorry I ever doubted you andy. You're a visionary.
I'm an uncle soon
gonna tell stories that mom
wouldn't approve of
they call me the renegade uncle. even though I'll be a doctor. I like to think of myself as someone who isn't such a narrow path white person, so just bear with me here. I realize my self image is incompatible with reality, just give me like 7 more months with my irrational sense of self before I settle in to normal white person stuff,
So just a heads up, this post is coming at you from 2:19 current time in good old missouri. And at this time I would like to announce that I, Drew "the best blogger of all time L---- (come on, I can't put my whole name in like that. I'm gonna have patients and kids some day) is going to be an uncle in about 7 months! I KNOW I'M SO EXCITED TOO!! Quick poll, who among you thinks I will be the best uncle of all time? Oh all of you think that? Good because you're right! I just saw the first picture of the little critter today via picture message of the ultrasound my sister got, and I'm absolutely giddy. Can't remember the last time I was this excited. I know this blog isn't usually about big important life changing events, but this one is too big to not write about. I am going to kill it so hard. Am I going to live within a thousand miles of this child for the first 2 years of its life? Absolutely not. Is it going to love me more than anyone else in the whole world? YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT. My new budget is as follows (in percentages of income): Money spent on beer--4% Money spent on skateboarding--4% Money spent on things for my niece/nephew==92%. Honestly I could get married and go pro in skateboarding and win all the lotteries in the next 7 months and not be as excited about that as I am about this kid. BRIDGET HURRY UP I WANT TO MEET YOUR CHILD. To be honest I found out about this like 3 weeks ago and I wasn't allowed to tell anybody. I think I got an ulcer from the stress of holding it in. I might as well have been banned from pooping for 3 weeks. absolutely killer. but now it's out there and you all better be excited. If you're not then stop reading right now.
I learned something else cool recently. Celine Dion claps by slapping her upper forearm. I don't know about you, but where I'm from (218 east main street) that's what you do when you're talking about something that is not appropriate for this blog. I have to draw a line somewhere in the content spectrum, and that's my line. Not at poops or liquid poops or farts or sharts. At the sound a forearm slap makes. most of you know what I'm saying here. especially nick MG who doesn't read this blog. Not cool Celine. and iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeiiiiiiiii will always judge youuuuuuu for doing the SBC (infer the acronym) clap as your normal clap. Cut that out.
One last thing before I go to bed. Nurtigrain bars are way way way way way way way too small. I need a XXXXL nurtrigrain bar stat. I'm tired of these 140 cal limp sorry excuses for a snack. You made such a tasty bar nutrigrain. Now make me an America sized one. I don't want to be unpeeling god knows how many loud packages to get to your oaty blueberry-y goodness. Just one big package. That's really what everybody wants. One big package. Do you see what I did there. That was a pun. But seriously I want a 8"x22" nutrigrain bar. one that takes me like 20 minutes to eat. like 1200 calories worth of grainy nutriness. get on it people. this blog is meant to inspire. now do something that I say for once. By the way, fart tennis is the greatest game ever. Recording farts on your phone is funny every time. I'm sorry I ever doubted you andy. You're a visionary.
I'm an uncle soon
gonna tell stories that mom
wouldn't approve of
they call me the renegade uncle. even though I'll be a doctor. I like to think of myself as someone who isn't such a narrow path white person, so just bear with me here. I realize my self image is incompatible with reality, just give me like 7 more months with my irrational sense of self before I settle in to normal white person stuff,
Sunday, October 9, 2011
did you miss me?
This is gonna be another short post since I need to get some sleep. Busy weekend with dear old dad in town. Plenty of golf and good food. Can always count on that when dad visits. for the win.
I had a question today that needs answering? When were cookies invented? In high school for a couple months they called me the cookie monster. I really do want to know how and when cookies were invented, so somebody figure that out.
Somebody from Lithuania found my blog recently. Like within the past 24 hours recently. Their search to find me? "my shit is gokld." As is your search Lithuanian man. And as are you. I think gold poops would be pretty exciting. What is that guy eating though? Do you think he really has gold poop? What reaction in your body would give you gold poops without you eating something like gold food coloring? Has anyone ever heard of someone having a gold poop? Or do you think this guy is like an aspiring eastern european rapper who was trying to google a lyric or something? That seems like the most plausible explanation. Here is my favorite poop related rap lyric of all time. I hope some of you have heard it before. I know Matty Fresh has. Its message is just so clear and its imagery so fresh. Such a good pun. and what is hip hop without puns?
Hip hop without puns is not good.
Got my first bow tie today. No idea how to tie it yet. I can't wait to learn though, because when I get to clinic I'm gonna have diarrhea clinic attire. It doesn't work as well in this context. Bow tie tuesdays will go into effect in T-minus 11 months. My bow tie collection is gonna flourish. I want plaid ones and ones with animals on them and everything. I'm gonna kill it so hard. they call me Winston Churchill. I don't know why I always think of that clip when I think churchill, but I always do. Maybe I should learn more about history. Churchill punched Hitler in the face or something right? I don't know, we're all doomed because I don't know anything about historical figures or trends in civilization.
Alright time to go to bed. Here's your haiku, because it feels like I haven't written one in a bit.
I'm winston churchill.
saving the world from hitler
for posterity
It's always for posterity.
I had a question today that needs answering? When were cookies invented? In high school for a couple months they called me the cookie monster. I really do want to know how and when cookies were invented, so somebody figure that out.
Somebody from Lithuania found my blog recently. Like within the past 24 hours recently. Their search to find me? "my shit is gokld." As is your search Lithuanian man. And as are you. I think gold poops would be pretty exciting. What is that guy eating though? Do you think he really has gold poop? What reaction in your body would give you gold poops without you eating something like gold food coloring? Has anyone ever heard of someone having a gold poop? Or do you think this guy is like an aspiring eastern european rapper who was trying to google a lyric or something? That seems like the most plausible explanation. Here is my favorite poop related rap lyric of all time. I hope some of you have heard it before. I know Matty Fresh has. Its message is just so clear and its imagery so fresh. Such a good pun. and what is hip hop without puns?
Hip hop without puns is not good.
Got my first bow tie today. No idea how to tie it yet. I can't wait to learn though, because when I get to clinic I'm gonna have diarrhea clinic attire. It doesn't work as well in this context. Bow tie tuesdays will go into effect in T-minus 11 months. My bow tie collection is gonna flourish. I want plaid ones and ones with animals on them and everything. I'm gonna kill it so hard. they call me Winston Churchill. I don't know why I always think of that clip when I think churchill, but I always do. Maybe I should learn more about history. Churchill punched Hitler in the face or something right? I don't know, we're all doomed because I don't know anything about historical figures or trends in civilization.
Alright time to go to bed. Here's your haiku, because it feels like I haven't written one in a bit.
I'm winston churchill.
saving the world from hitler
for posterity
It's always for posterity.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
world's greatest blogger
real fast mini post before I go to soccer:
Have i mentioned how much i love hummus? I'm on a freakin yuge hummus kick right now. Can't get enough. I think it's helping my farts though. I have so many little quiet ones I'm getting frustrated. I ended up beating Tim in our first game, albeit somewhat shamefully. We went to 3 deuces, which is a way funnier word when applied to fart tennis than to actual tennis. Sounds like a shart competition. Which is something that needs to happen. But it was ad Tim and I had 3 pretty quick kinda weak farts, at least compared to the previous standard set. It was like I had a couple shots bounce off the net and just drop in. I swear they were funnier in real life than via text. Mostly because I almost piddled on all of them. I'm putting so much effort into this game it's not even funny. Except for the fact that it's actually really funny. I'm telling everyone I think I'm good enough friends with about this game, and occasionally someone who I'm definitely not. Sorry John in ASP, I know we really just met but you seemed cool so I just came on out with it. It was funny though right? Oh you don't read this? Ok that's cool, I guess I'll just keep pretending like you do.
You know what the best part about this blog is? That I can write about people that I kind of know, and then when and if (really just if) we become real friends they can go back and read about how I wrote about them behind their back on the internet when we really didn't know each other in a place that anyone can see (and honestly should see) and will last forever. I'm second guessing myself on John's name. I think it's John, but maybe I'm wrong. Sorry guy who went to the Q with us last night who I'm pretty sure is named John. I don't do well with names, and we're not facebook friends so I haven't stalked you thoroughly enough to remember anything about you. I've never been a good auditory learner, which is why social media is so nice for me. You can essentially study people and I don't really have to listen to what they say because I can just read about it later, which is also nice because I don't have great hearing. And I mumble. I'm a great communicator. But the opposite.
I feel a fart coming on. Hopefully after my 2 indoor games tonight I get a real big one to make up for my semi-cheap shots this afternoon. But really I'm not sorry because all is fair in farts and war, and that's doubly true for fart wars.
shwewsh
Have i mentioned how much i love hummus? I'm on a freakin yuge hummus kick right now. Can't get enough. I think it's helping my farts though. I have so many little quiet ones I'm getting frustrated. I ended up beating Tim in our first game, albeit somewhat shamefully. We went to 3 deuces, which is a way funnier word when applied to fart tennis than to actual tennis. Sounds like a shart competition. Which is something that needs to happen. But it was ad Tim and I had 3 pretty quick kinda weak farts, at least compared to the previous standard set. It was like I had a couple shots bounce off the net and just drop in. I swear they were funnier in real life than via text. Mostly because I almost piddled on all of them. I'm putting so much effort into this game it's not even funny. Except for the fact that it's actually really funny. I'm telling everyone I think I'm good enough friends with about this game, and occasionally someone who I'm definitely not. Sorry John in ASP, I know we really just met but you seemed cool so I just came on out with it. It was funny though right? Oh you don't read this? Ok that's cool, I guess I'll just keep pretending like you do.
You know what the best part about this blog is? That I can write about people that I kind of know, and then when and if (really just if) we become real friends they can go back and read about how I wrote about them behind their back on the internet when we really didn't know each other in a place that anyone can see (and honestly should see) and will last forever. I'm second guessing myself on John's name. I think it's John, but maybe I'm wrong. Sorry guy who went to the Q with us last night who I'm pretty sure is named John. I don't do well with names, and we're not facebook friends so I haven't stalked you thoroughly enough to remember anything about you. I've never been a good auditory learner, which is why social media is so nice for me. You can essentially study people and I don't really have to listen to what they say because I can just read about it later, which is also nice because I don't have great hearing. And I mumble. I'm a great communicator. But the opposite.
I feel a fart coming on. Hopefully after my 2 indoor games tonight I get a real big one to make up for my semi-cheap shots this afternoon. But really I'm not sorry because all is fair in farts and war, and that's doubly true for fart wars.
shwewsh
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
thank you sherugo
Fart tennis is the best game I have ever played. Off the top of my head I can't think of something funnier than recording farts and sending them to your friends who are in, say, a Barnes & Noble for example, and having my farts played out loud a thousand miles away for people shopping for books and also get points for doing it. As you may have guessed, Tim and I started playing today and I'm winning our first game 15-30 (He served first). Still plenty of time for game changers. Tim you will be happy to know that I held the first one in for about 40 minutes until I could get home so I could record my fart. And by 40 minutes I mean probably closer to an hour and a half because I started feeling farts coming on in the beginning of the 2nd half of my game today. The second one came about 5 minutes later right before I got in the shower. I can't get enough of this game. I just want more all the time. I'm like a crack fiend for this game. I'm going to base my whole diet on fart generation. Just cheese, beans, and hot dogs from here on out. And I'm never chewing again. Massive boluses make massive farts. Strategy people. Real life mode.
I think the only thing I miss about video games is playing real life mode. For those of you who don't know real life mode originated when cameron started hitting us with pillows when we crashed or died in whatever video game we were playing at the time (smash bros, nascar, or mariokart I think were the first 3). The best part about real life mode is that you don't have a choice. If someone decided you're playing real life mode, you were playing real life mode and you had better like it. Obviously, we took real life mode and turned it into something we would just yell at each other and eventually it had no real meaning just like everything else. like this blog for example. you are going to read the rest of this post. it's real life mode, you don't have a choice. READ IT
That reminds me of another story. Time for another installment of "one time I made a friend doing this."
One time freshman year I was playing some video game with Zisk. I think it was NCAA football, or maybe it was shit game. I don't remember. I had to fart, so I leaned over to the side and let it go. However, I had one of those farts where your butt isn't sure yet, and it lets it go in little fragments instead of one whole fart. Fortunately for me, it came out in 3 different pitches. Low to high, trumpet style. It was from that moment, Zisk would tell me later, that he knew we would be friends. And that is how I made a friend doing that.
I had a test today. It went pretty well.
It's been forever since I got to skate. I can feel the urge. Again, like a crack fiend. Clearly I am just a drug addict. What will my parents think. Today I got tripped in my soccer game pretty good. Like a full on foot kick. I fell down and I just laughed out loud for like 10 seconds. Nobody else laughed, as usual. I think that's a sign that I need to skate real bad for some reason. I don't really know why, but I'm pretty sure it's a sign.
Why does everybody think that every bearded figure that appears is Jesus? Hey bro, maybe it's Grizzly Adams. Contrary to popular belief, he did have a beard. Doesn't that seem kind of desperate? Not that people think they see Jesus in the toast, but that they never think it's someone else. Maybe desperate isn't the right word. Although I have to admit, if I was jesus I would put my face on all sort of weird stuff. like pee stains from drunk people who pee the bed, or I would make animals that look just like me. I wanna see a cow with a spot that looks like Jesus, or a bear that has a birthmark on its face that looks like jesus. Jesus face on a face. That bear would be dead so fast. People would kill the crap out of that bear. I want that bear's face above my fireplace. I think that's the real way you get to heaven. Collect Jesus face tokens. It's like tickets at Chuck-e-cheese. Those have Chuck E's face on em, and they get you cool stuff there. It only makes sense people. I just got you all into heaven, and you won't even read my blog every day. Thanks guys. Real nice.
Time for $3 pitchers. And hopefully more fart tennis points. I'm saving farts up right now so I get a good audible one. I've never strategized so much about farts in my whole life. Thanks Matt.
fart into my phone
so I can beat Tim at this
poop gets on my face
now THAT was a haiku
I think the only thing I miss about video games is playing real life mode. For those of you who don't know real life mode originated when cameron started hitting us with pillows when we crashed or died in whatever video game we were playing at the time (smash bros, nascar, or mariokart I think were the first 3). The best part about real life mode is that you don't have a choice. If someone decided you're playing real life mode, you were playing real life mode and you had better like it. Obviously, we took real life mode and turned it into something we would just yell at each other and eventually it had no real meaning just like everything else. like this blog for example. you are going to read the rest of this post. it's real life mode, you don't have a choice. READ IT
That reminds me of another story. Time for another installment of "one time I made a friend doing this."
One time freshman year I was playing some video game with Zisk. I think it was NCAA football, or maybe it was shit game. I don't remember. I had to fart, so I leaned over to the side and let it go. However, I had one of those farts where your butt isn't sure yet, and it lets it go in little fragments instead of one whole fart. Fortunately for me, it came out in 3 different pitches. Low to high, trumpet style. It was from that moment, Zisk would tell me later, that he knew we would be friends. And that is how I made a friend doing that.
I had a test today. It went pretty well.
It's been forever since I got to skate. I can feel the urge. Again, like a crack fiend. Clearly I am just a drug addict. What will my parents think. Today I got tripped in my soccer game pretty good. Like a full on foot kick. I fell down and I just laughed out loud for like 10 seconds. Nobody else laughed, as usual. I think that's a sign that I need to skate real bad for some reason. I don't really know why, but I'm pretty sure it's a sign.
Why does everybody think that every bearded figure that appears is Jesus? Hey bro, maybe it's Grizzly Adams. Contrary to popular belief, he did have a beard. Doesn't that seem kind of desperate? Not that people think they see Jesus in the toast, but that they never think it's someone else. Maybe desperate isn't the right word. Although I have to admit, if I was jesus I would put my face on all sort of weird stuff. like pee stains from drunk people who pee the bed, or I would make animals that look just like me. I wanna see a cow with a spot that looks like Jesus, or a bear that has a birthmark on its face that looks like jesus. Jesus face on a face. That bear would be dead so fast. People would kill the crap out of that bear. I want that bear's face above my fireplace. I think that's the real way you get to heaven. Collect Jesus face tokens. It's like tickets at Chuck-e-cheese. Those have Chuck E's face on em, and they get you cool stuff there. It only makes sense people. I just got you all into heaven, and you won't even read my blog every day. Thanks guys. Real nice.
Time for $3 pitchers. And hopefully more fart tennis points. I'm saving farts up right now so I get a good audible one. I've never strategized so much about farts in my whole life. Thanks Matt.
fart into my phone
so I can beat Tim at this
poop gets on my face
now THAT was a haiku
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
something about yoda and also underwear I guess.
welcome back to the latest episode of nonsense with Drew. I'm in a great mood today. Don't know why. For whatever reason I just felt good all day. I did do a lot of sweating while sitting down today, but not because it was hot out. I think I'm going back into nervous giddy teenager mode. I can't wait to get overly oily and have voice cracks every 10 words. I'll just have to start wearing polyester shirts or flannel shirts so that nobody can tell how sweaty I am. It is almost getting cold out, so I can start wearing flannel again. I love flannel. Really I just like plaid. And it makes me feel like a man. I kinda can't wait till I'm 40 so I can say that super often. Any time somebody second guesses me I'll just pull that one out. Hey at this point I'm closer to 40 than I am to being born, so I guess you round up at this point right? I'm 40 now. Wow, I'm really unaccomplished for a 40 year old. I gotta start having kids or something right now. Who wants to have my babies? Alicia? You're 40 too by my logic. Biological clock is almost ticked out. Your chance of having a baby with major birth defects is increasing by the day, I think it's time we started breeding. Your move.
That was pretty bold. I like my chances.
Does anybody else get way more farts when you work out? My farts can sense when I'm exercising or something, because they get all antsy and want to start moving fast themselves. They just sprint from my splenic flexure down my descending colon and rip through the curved glory of my sigmoid colon and juke my anal sphincters out of their minds. They're like Barry Sanders or something. They have Marshall Faulk's step back move, just making my lower GI look silly. This is a terrible analogy. I have a question. How far do you guys usually follow me into these analogies before you're like OK Drew that's enough we get it your farts have great lateral movement? I really have no idea because it's not like I'm sitting there with you reading this crap, so I'm curious when you just check out and decide that I'm a retard. Another question: How many of you read that "ruh-TARD" and how many of you read it "REE-tard"? Has the Hangover really infiltrated our lives enough so that people actually have internal monologues with grossly mispronounced mildly offensive insults? Only you know for sure. Be honest with yourself, because God knows I'm not being honest with you. All lies here. Except that thing earlier about you, Alicia. That was a serious offer. Facebook inbox me or something. I'll be waiting.
I learned my internet creepiness from Tim. Tim is the Yoda of those kinds of comments. I carried Tim on my back through parties and hit on girls as he hit me on the head with a stick and stuff. That routine really didn't work for us. Mostly because me and Tim are about the same size, so the whole Yoda thing wasn't successfully conveyed. Also we were just wearing bathrobes, so that made it kinda weird too. Tim chose to not wear underwear. It was ok though, I wore 2 pairs, so it averaged out.
The world record for most pairs of underwear worn at once is 215. Well done Jack. You may only be 11 right now, but this is gonna do something for you in the future. Probably something negative, but that's ok. It's still something. I'm gonna be this kid for halloween but wear 216 instead. Suck it Jack. Instant publicity for my future clinic. People are gonna want to be treated by the lots of underwear guy. I'm only doing Basic. Also 2 sentences ago I was gonna write "people are gonna wanna be...." but I decided that made me sound to stupid. More stupid than my fart:Barry Sanders analogy. If that analogy was on the GRE, what do you think the answer would be? fart:Barry Sanders::Body odor:PeeWee Herman. I need to start writing for the GRE. clearly they are missing out by not having me on their staff. let's go GRE, I'll shake up your company from the ground up. Change you can believe in and has a 50% chance of happening. Lowey 2011. Yes We Can, under certain circumstances which may or may not exist. Campaign slogan for the ages. Political joke!
Alright time to unleash. I'm sure you want to know what I will be unleashing, but you don't get to find out. Premium members only, and that will cost you. How much? What's your best offer? I'm being vague because that makes it more intriguing. I'm a master salesman. GIVE ME MONEY FOR STUFF
no haiku for you
really, I'm not writing one
for real. there's no way.
See what I did there? I must be the smartest person of all time.
That was pretty bold. I like my chances.
Does anybody else get way more farts when you work out? My farts can sense when I'm exercising or something, because they get all antsy and want to start moving fast themselves. They just sprint from my splenic flexure down my descending colon and rip through the curved glory of my sigmoid colon and juke my anal sphincters out of their minds. They're like Barry Sanders or something. They have Marshall Faulk's step back move, just making my lower GI look silly. This is a terrible analogy. I have a question. How far do you guys usually follow me into these analogies before you're like OK Drew that's enough we get it your farts have great lateral movement? I really have no idea because it's not like I'm sitting there with you reading this crap, so I'm curious when you just check out and decide that I'm a retard. Another question: How many of you read that "ruh-TARD" and how many of you read it "REE-tard"? Has the Hangover really infiltrated our lives enough so that people actually have internal monologues with grossly mispronounced mildly offensive insults? Only you know for sure. Be honest with yourself, because God knows I'm not being honest with you. All lies here. Except that thing earlier about you, Alicia. That was a serious offer. Facebook inbox me or something. I'll be waiting.
I learned my internet creepiness from Tim. Tim is the Yoda of those kinds of comments. I carried Tim on my back through parties and hit on girls as he hit me on the head with a stick and stuff. That routine really didn't work for us. Mostly because me and Tim are about the same size, so the whole Yoda thing wasn't successfully conveyed. Also we were just wearing bathrobes, so that made it kinda weird too. Tim chose to not wear underwear. It was ok though, I wore 2 pairs, so it averaged out.
The world record for most pairs of underwear worn at once is 215. Well done Jack. You may only be 11 right now, but this is gonna do something for you in the future. Probably something negative, but that's ok. It's still something. I'm gonna be this kid for halloween but wear 216 instead. Suck it Jack. Instant publicity for my future clinic. People are gonna want to be treated by the lots of underwear guy. I'm only doing Basic. Also 2 sentences ago I was gonna write "people are gonna wanna be...." but I decided that made me sound to stupid. More stupid than my fart:Barry Sanders analogy. If that analogy was on the GRE, what do you think the answer would be? fart:Barry Sanders::Body odor:PeeWee Herman. I need to start writing for the GRE. clearly they are missing out by not having me on their staff. let's go GRE, I'll shake up your company from the ground up. Change you can believe in and has a 50% chance of happening. Lowey 2011. Yes We Can, under certain circumstances which may or may not exist. Campaign slogan for the ages. Political joke!
Alright time to unleash. I'm sure you want to know what I will be unleashing, but you don't get to find out. Premium members only, and that will cost you. How much? What's your best offer? I'm being vague because that makes it more intriguing. I'm a master salesman. GIVE ME MONEY FOR STUFF
no haiku for you
really, I'm not writing one
for real. there's no way.
See what I did there? I must be the smartest person of all time.
Monday, October 3, 2011
check this bad larry out
hi there. face here! Feels like forever since I wrote a post even though it was only like 2 days ago. I have so much to say! Get ready because you're in for a good one. I think.
Today I was in class and I thought of a good idea. It's called "fart tennis." Really that is matt's game that I will be talking about later. My idea is to imagine all of my professors as cartoons. But not cute cartoons, like the awkward kind of gross Ren and Stimpy close-ups. Don't do meth kids. I was sitting back with my eyes closed moderately close to being asleep and I just started seeing my boy Iggy say "riiiiiiiiiiight?" but zoomed in really close to his eye and you could see all the capillaries and minor defects and stuff. I wish I could say that this awesome idea helped class go faster. My wish came true. It did. Suck it people who say if you say your wish out loud it won't come true. It's called goal setting, and it's important to verbalize. Also I saw my boy Christy jiggle his head as he said "hello?" and it went all slow motion and you could see the hairs he missed shaving that morning and all his minor skin flaws and stuff. Super zoomed in and slow-mo. Have you ever seen fat move in slow motion? Now you have. Kinda gross, but at the same time pretty funny? Like girls farting? Matt you are getting all sorts of shoutouts today. You killed the text game super hard today.
OK thing 2 I want to talk about. So I had a pretty lame weekend, and I was real stressed out the whole time. But that's not important. What IS important, however, is how I had an emo movie montage happen to me in real life on sunday night. So I went for a run at like 7:45 or so, and like a mile or so in I passed this brazilian restaurant, and they were playing "love stinks"! So obviously I started laughing really hard, and I was singing it to myself the whole rest of the run as I saw couples out walking their dogs, people riding bikes together, people talking and laughing outside at the gas station. All on a sunday night at like 8:00pm and it was breath-seeing cold outside. Come on people, go back inside. It was like a real life chick flick where I'm, like, Adam Sandler, and I just found out the girl I love is actually a golden retreiver or something (if you're reading this on a phone with no flash player, I'm sorry because that last line will make no sense unless you are really familiar with the awesome-o episode from south park). When I got back from my run I felt like a thousand times better, and I'm pretty sure it was because I had a montage. Sometimes you just need a montage. But seriously I'm depressed.
Tim to go to my phone to see what other funny stuff I meant to write about. Ah yes. I had a sneeze fart today, aka a snart. It was perfectly executed. Right in the middle of class, and my sneeze was just loud enough to cover my fart sound, but not so loud that if you happened to be listening for a fart you would have missed it. Who would be listening for a fart in the middle of the day in my classroom you ask? No one. And that's why I'm ronery. So ronery. So ronery and sadry arone. I know I've already posted this video and it's my second team america video in this post, but it's just so relevant and funny every time. Do you think Kim Jong Il ever saw that movie? Or do you think everybody tried reary hard to make sure he didn't see it so he didn't just start kirring peopr? Asian L/R mix-ups--always funny too.
I was watching the season premier of Dexter today (which you need to start watching if you haven't yet) and I there was a close up of a snake. This snake was probably the smartest thing I have ever seen in my whole life. Scratch that, this was on Breaking Bad. Also an awesome show. But nonetheless, this snake was killing it. He was coiled up and using his own tail as a headrest. Let me repeat that. HE WAS USING HIS OWN TAIL AS A HEADREST. Do you know how many innocent people I would kill to have a built in head rest? 0. I don't think I have cold-blooded murder in me. But I really want one. It you would be able to sleep standing up. That's all I think I need to say here. Can any of you sleep standing up? Because when I get my anatomical headrest/full body kickstand I will be able to. I want a stand like cardboard cutout people have. A right triangle coming out from my back, but I would be able to stow it away like how vacuum cords retract. give it a little tug and watch it shot back in. Ya dig.
So back to fart tennis. This game is an innovation unlike anything I have ever seen. And I have yet to see it in action. The way you play is that whenever you fart so that your opponent can hear it, you win a point. Scoring is like tennis. 15, 30, 40, deuce, etc. Matt says they usually play one set, but I imagine that could take days without dietary intervention. I have challenged Tim to a game via voice text. Only the voice I will be using is in my butt. Same premise, air passing quickly through a small space and cause vibration to create sound, just with gas from my GI instead of my lungs. I can't wait to save in farts for a whole class so I can go outside and record my fart. And by go outside I mean stay at my seat and tell all my friends (I have no friends) that I'm playing fart tennis. And after they yada yada yada me they will be intrigued and then I will make friends and then maybe I'll be able to get of this giant void in my life. Really I have issues and I need some intervention here. This is a cry for help.
Also in my phone I have written down "you don't want to get AIDS." I don't really know what the context to that was, but I think it speaks for itself.
Your boy Raichu stopped by today and he dropped off this haiku for all of you.
you don't want the AIDS
but you know what you do want?
fart tennis with me
I'm gonna start eating so many beans. It's getting cold out at night, so I can justify eating hot dog and baked beans again. I love that stuff so much. Some bread and butter on the side. Maybe some hummus? I've eaten 2 tubs of hummus in the past 2 days.
They call me the chickpea monster (see what I did there?)
Today I was in class and I thought of a good idea. It's called "fart tennis." Really that is matt's game that I will be talking about later. My idea is to imagine all of my professors as cartoons. But not cute cartoons, like the awkward kind of gross Ren and Stimpy close-ups. Don't do meth kids. I was sitting back with my eyes closed moderately close to being asleep and I just started seeing my boy Iggy say "riiiiiiiiiiight?" but zoomed in really close to his eye and you could see all the capillaries and minor defects and stuff. I wish I could say that this awesome idea helped class go faster. My wish came true. It did. Suck it people who say if you say your wish out loud it won't come true. It's called goal setting, and it's important to verbalize. Also I saw my boy Christy jiggle his head as he said "hello?" and it went all slow motion and you could see the hairs he missed shaving that morning and all his minor skin flaws and stuff. Super zoomed in and slow-mo. Have you ever seen fat move in slow motion? Now you have. Kinda gross, but at the same time pretty funny? Like girls farting? Matt you are getting all sorts of shoutouts today. You killed the text game super hard today.
OK thing 2 I want to talk about. So I had a pretty lame weekend, and I was real stressed out the whole time. But that's not important. What IS important, however, is how I had an emo movie montage happen to me in real life on sunday night. So I went for a run at like 7:45 or so, and like a mile or so in I passed this brazilian restaurant, and they were playing "love stinks"! So obviously I started laughing really hard, and I was singing it to myself the whole rest of the run as I saw couples out walking their dogs, people riding bikes together, people talking and laughing outside at the gas station. All on a sunday night at like 8:00pm and it was breath-seeing cold outside. Come on people, go back inside. It was like a real life chick flick where I'm, like, Adam Sandler, and I just found out the girl I love is actually a golden retreiver or something (if you're reading this on a phone with no flash player, I'm sorry because that last line will make no sense unless you are really familiar with the awesome-o episode from south park). When I got back from my run I felt like a thousand times better, and I'm pretty sure it was because I had a montage. Sometimes you just need a montage. But seriously I'm depressed.
Tim to go to my phone to see what other funny stuff I meant to write about. Ah yes. I had a sneeze fart today, aka a snart. It was perfectly executed. Right in the middle of class, and my sneeze was just loud enough to cover my fart sound, but not so loud that if you happened to be listening for a fart you would have missed it. Who would be listening for a fart in the middle of the day in my classroom you ask? No one. And that's why I'm ronery. So ronery. So ronery and sadry arone. I know I've already posted this video and it's my second team america video in this post, but it's just so relevant and funny every time. Do you think Kim Jong Il ever saw that movie? Or do you think everybody tried reary hard to make sure he didn't see it so he didn't just start kirring peopr? Asian L/R mix-ups--always funny too.
I was watching the season premier of Dexter today (which you need to start watching if you haven't yet) and I there was a close up of a snake. This snake was probably the smartest thing I have ever seen in my whole life. Scratch that, this was on Breaking Bad. Also an awesome show. But nonetheless, this snake was killing it. He was coiled up and using his own tail as a headrest. Let me repeat that. HE WAS USING HIS OWN TAIL AS A HEADREST. Do you know how many innocent people I would kill to have a built in head rest? 0. I don't think I have cold-blooded murder in me. But I really want one. It you would be able to sleep standing up. That's all I think I need to say here. Can any of you sleep standing up? Because when I get my anatomical headrest/full body kickstand I will be able to. I want a stand like cardboard cutout people have. A right triangle coming out from my back, but I would be able to stow it away like how vacuum cords retract. give it a little tug and watch it shot back in. Ya dig.
So back to fart tennis. This game is an innovation unlike anything I have ever seen. And I have yet to see it in action. The way you play is that whenever you fart so that your opponent can hear it, you win a point. Scoring is like tennis. 15, 30, 40, deuce, etc. Matt says they usually play one set, but I imagine that could take days without dietary intervention. I have challenged Tim to a game via voice text. Only the voice I will be using is in my butt. Same premise, air passing quickly through a small space and cause vibration to create sound, just with gas from my GI instead of my lungs. I can't wait to save in farts for a whole class so I can go outside and record my fart. And by go outside I mean stay at my seat and tell all my friends (I have no friends) that I'm playing fart tennis. And after they yada yada yada me they will be intrigued and then I will make friends and then maybe I'll be able to get of this giant void in my life. Really I have issues and I need some intervention here. This is a cry for help.
Also in my phone I have written down "you don't want to get AIDS." I don't really know what the context to that was, but I think it speaks for itself.
Your boy Raichu stopped by today and he dropped off this haiku for all of you.
you don't want the AIDS
but you know what you do want?
fart tennis with me
I'm gonna start eating so many beans. It's getting cold out at night, so I can justify eating hot dog and baked beans again. I love that stuff so much. Some bread and butter on the side. Maybe some hummus? I've eaten 2 tubs of hummus in the past 2 days.
They call me the chickpea monster (see what I did there?)
Saturday, October 1, 2011
glorious morning
why do I ever even bother getting out of bed? so far I've been awake for 3 hours and the worst part of my day has been breakfast when I ate chocolate chip pancakes because I had to get out of bed. I need a super bed/kitchen hybrid. But one that defies gravity so I can cook on a vertical axis while I lay on a horizontal one. I want to a stove and countertop that I can slide in and out of my wall that has a horizontal gravity vector. That way I can cut stuff and cook right in front of my face as I lay down and not have to worry about stuff falling onto my bed. If I was a superhero I think that would be my power. Spontaneous gravity direction changes. How cool would it be if you could just make people freefall along the ground instead of towards it? It would be like that backstreet boys or nsync music video where they're in that rotating room and they're like standing on the roof and on walls and stuff. This one. But instead of being a boy band video it would be real life. I want to be able to just make people fall in strange directions. Can you imagine changing gravity like 10 degrees and watch everybody walking it some strange semi vertical orientation? That would be a good idea for the SIMS games or rollercoaster tycoon if they still make those. Slight gravity alteration mode. everybody would slide to one part of the screen. Do you think they have rooms like that in real life? Like how they have anti-gravity rooms for NASA. They have those right? I need to know. Someone help me. Please god someone help me! AAAAAAHHHHHHH eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I went back and read yesterday's post because I was curious what goes through tired Drew's head. That is one scary place. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I was way stupider, and I think that's what it's like. The scary part is that you can't even tell when you're stupid because it's all still stream of consciousness anyway. It's impossible to know that you are stupid until after you've already been stupid. I think I just blew my own mind. I would also like to point out that when you free the dragonfly from the spider's web, you may have saved the dragonfly but you have condemned the spider. The best part about that last sentence is that even if you weren't there to know what I'm talking about, you still probably understand what is going on as well or even better than I do. Let me guess. You're confused right........NOW. right NOW. NOW.
I would like to start a new segment today that will probably go no further than today, but there is a chance that it might. This segment is called "I made friends with someone once by doing this."
Today on "I made friends with someone once by doing this," I would like to tell the story about how I became friends with Jeff Todef. We were packing up the boats for a race in Philly, and they wanted us to take all the seats off so they didn't bounce around. I couldn't figure it out, so I started hitting the seat and making monkey sounds. One person laughed. It was Jeff. We were now friends. Then. We were now then friends. Then we became friends. At that moment. At that moment we were then friends. I don't understand the tense organization to that statement. Grammar is overrated, except for on comment sections on CNN.com articles.
So far today I have not sweated sitting down.
The new iphone will be announced in 3 days. That means I will be getting a new phone in a matter of a couple weeks. Start the countdown for total blog domination. Blogination. They will henceforth call me the bloginator.
I'm pretty sure I'm stupid now. My idiocy is becoming self-aware. Get ready for a terminator-type rise of the stupidity. Terminator 5: The Bloginator. No one's intelligence is safe
at concert last night
almost fell asleep standing
almost means I did
German haiku me Tim! I need to have comments on these or my self esteem takes a hit. They call me emotionally-dependent-on-my-internet-social-life Drew
I went back and read yesterday's post because I was curious what goes through tired Drew's head. That is one scary place. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I was way stupider, and I think that's what it's like. The scary part is that you can't even tell when you're stupid because it's all still stream of consciousness anyway. It's impossible to know that you are stupid until after you've already been stupid. I think I just blew my own mind. I would also like to point out that when you free the dragonfly from the spider's web, you may have saved the dragonfly but you have condemned the spider. The best part about that last sentence is that even if you weren't there to know what I'm talking about, you still probably understand what is going on as well or even better than I do. Let me guess. You're confused right........NOW. right NOW. NOW.
I would like to start a new segment today that will probably go no further than today, but there is a chance that it might. This segment is called "I made friends with someone once by doing this."
Today on "I made friends with someone once by doing this," I would like to tell the story about how I became friends with Jeff Todef. We were packing up the boats for a race in Philly, and they wanted us to take all the seats off so they didn't bounce around. I couldn't figure it out, so I started hitting the seat and making monkey sounds. One person laughed. It was Jeff. We were now friends. Then. We were now then friends. Then we became friends. At that moment. At that moment we were then friends. I don't understand the tense organization to that statement. Grammar is overrated, except for on comment sections on CNN.com articles.
So far today I have not sweated sitting down.
The new iphone will be announced in 3 days. That means I will be getting a new phone in a matter of a couple weeks. Start the countdown for total blog domination. Blogination. They will henceforth call me the bloginator.
I'm pretty sure I'm stupid now. My idiocy is becoming self-aware. Get ready for a terminator-type rise of the stupidity. Terminator 5: The Bloginator. No one's intelligence is safe
at concert last night
almost fell asleep standing
almost means I did
German haiku me Tim! I need to have comments on these or my self esteem takes a hit. They call me emotionally-dependent-on-my-internet-social-life Drew
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