I had another near towel poop experience recently. I farted and let it air our for a second before I put my towel on. But the displaced air from my towel moving literally funneled the fart right into my face. It was uncanny. It was like a particle accelerator but instead of for protons and stuff it was for whatever vile combination of insoluble fiber and sulfur makes farts and instead of crashing particles into each other, it crashed aerosol poop into my cranial nerve I. I had forgotten about it until I came to write this and I immediately started thinking of my recent poop experiences.
I've been doing this thing for the past almost a week where I won't shower one day and then I'll shower twice the next day in an effort to make up for it. It's really messing with my towel's drying cycle. I'll have a super dry towel for my morning shower and then a really wet towel for my evening shower. Not cool. You know what I want? A body air dryer. This one. I want to have one of those that is on the ceiling of my shower and then when I'm done showering I can get into that humiliating airport body scanner position where they can see how sweaty your armpits are because of how nervous you are that you left your nail clippers in your backpack by accident and then they have to pat you down and find that embarrassing butt cheek piercing that you keep forgetting to get removed and then half the people on your plane think you're an idiot and the other half think you're a terrorist and nobody wants to sit next to you not only because you held up the line, but also now you're even sweatier because you're more nervous and you stink and then your bag won't fit in the overhead compartment so they fake check it but really the guys that are supposed to take it under the plane just steal all your stuff and replace it with fire ants.
And then the dryer will come down from the ceiling and dry the crap out of me and I won't have to worry about towel wetness anymore. That will be in the same bathroom that I have my urinal in because then I'll be ultra efficient in that bathroom. It will increase my speed by 3. And I bet it will kinda tingle in a silly place. By the way, that's one of my favorite song lyrics of all time. Right up there with such classics as anything that afroman writes. Also if you google "tingle in a silly place" you get this blog with a hilarious first 4 lines and then I didn't read the rest because it looked stupid. Not even one fart mention in the first 4 lines. Weak.
So we have 11 months and 3 days till the world ends everyone. I know I said that I was going to mention the end of the world in every blog and right now I'm shooting about 50%, but gimme a break alright? The beginning of the year is the worst time of the year to make decisions about how productive you plan on being. When is the beginning of the year? January. What season in January? winter. What is there a lot of in winter? ice. What is ice? Hard. You know what else is hard? Rocks (you like how I didn't mention genitals like my boy Jordan?). And that is why every winter everybody goes into pet rock mode and then fails miserably at getting into shape and quitting drinking. Because your soul is part of you and you are 70% water so every winter your soul freezes into a pet ice rock and then you have no will to make any changes. But you know what melts ice? Alcohol. And that is why in the winter you have to drink before you can get out of bed in the morning. It's science people. Trust me, I'm a doctor. Also I may want to seek some help.
I would like to end this post on a semi-serious note. I'm sure you've all seen stuff about SOPA and PIPA today on facebook or google or whatever, and I am here to tell you that we must protect our house. And by our house I mean the glorious interwebs. Because if SOPA or PIPA pass, I will run out of content so fast it's not even funny. I mean you can all tell I'm grasping for straws here as it is. But if I can't find ridiculous things on the internet, then I cannot post them here. And god knows there's enough pirated material on this post alone to bring me under. So really what I'm trying to say here is if you care about keeping this ridiculous blog going or keeping me out of jail, at least read about what it will do to our glorious internet. Because if you like stuff like this and don't want xzibit to be able to shut down the entire internet for unlicensed use of his image, you probably don't like SOPA. And now you know.
Here's your haiku.
post pirated stuff
US senate not approve
cell mate: new boyfriend
I've been doing this thing for the past almost a week where I won't shower one day and then I'll shower twice the next day in an effort to make up for it. It's really messing with my towel's drying cycle. I'll have a super dry towel for my morning shower and then a really wet towel for my evening shower. Not cool. You know what I want? A body air dryer. This one. I want to have one of those that is on the ceiling of my shower and then when I'm done showering I can get into that humiliating airport body scanner position where they can see how sweaty your armpits are because of how nervous you are that you left your nail clippers in your backpack by accident and then they have to pat you down and find that embarrassing butt cheek piercing that you keep forgetting to get removed and then half the people on your plane think you're an idiot and the other half think you're a terrorist and nobody wants to sit next to you not only because you held up the line, but also now you're even sweatier because you're more nervous and you stink and then your bag won't fit in the overhead compartment so they fake check it but really the guys that are supposed to take it under the plane just steal all your stuff and replace it with fire ants.
And then the dryer will come down from the ceiling and dry the crap out of me and I won't have to worry about towel wetness anymore. That will be in the same bathroom that I have my urinal in because then I'll be ultra efficient in that bathroom. It will increase my speed by 3. And I bet it will kinda tingle in a silly place. By the way, that's one of my favorite song lyrics of all time. Right up there with such classics as anything that afroman writes. Also if you google "tingle in a silly place" you get this blog with a hilarious first 4 lines and then I didn't read the rest because it looked stupid. Not even one fart mention in the first 4 lines. Weak.
So we have 11 months and 3 days till the world ends everyone. I know I said that I was going to mention the end of the world in every blog and right now I'm shooting about 50%, but gimme a break alright? The beginning of the year is the worst time of the year to make decisions about how productive you plan on being. When is the beginning of the year? January. What season in January? winter. What is there a lot of in winter? ice. What is ice? Hard. You know what else is hard? Rocks (you like how I didn't mention genitals like my boy Jordan?). And that is why every winter everybody goes into pet rock mode and then fails miserably at getting into shape and quitting drinking. Because your soul is part of you and you are 70% water so every winter your soul freezes into a pet ice rock and then you have no will to make any changes. But you know what melts ice? Alcohol. And that is why in the winter you have to drink before you can get out of bed in the morning. It's science people. Trust me, I'm a doctor. Also I may want to seek some help.
I would like to end this post on a semi-serious note. I'm sure you've all seen stuff about SOPA and PIPA today on facebook or google or whatever, and I am here to tell you that we must protect our house. And by our house I mean the glorious interwebs. Because if SOPA or PIPA pass, I will run out of content so fast it's not even funny. I mean you can all tell I'm grasping for straws here as it is. But if I can't find ridiculous things on the internet, then I cannot post them here. And god knows there's enough pirated material on this post alone to bring me under. So really what I'm trying to say here is if you care about keeping this ridiculous blog going or keeping me out of jail, at least read about what it will do to our glorious internet. Because if you like stuff like this and don't want xzibit to be able to shut down the entire internet for unlicensed use of his image, you probably don't like SOPA. And now you know.
post pirated stuff
US senate not approve
cell mate: new boyfriend
This may or may not be the greatest paragraph ever written
ReplyDelete"the beginning of the year is the worst time of the year to make decisions about how productive you plan on being. When is the beginning of the year? January. What season in January? winter. What is there a lot of in winter? ice. What is ice? Hard. You know what else is hard? Rocks (you like how I didn't mention genitals like my boy Jordan?). And that is why every winter everybody goes into pet rock mode and then fails miserably at getting into shape and quitting drinking. Because your soul is part of you and you are 70% water so every winter your soul freezes into a pet ice rock and then you have no will to make any changes. But you know what melts ice? Alcohol. And that is why in the winter you have to drink before you can get out of bed in the morning. "
I feel like there is no other way to describe what goes on during winter and this is why i am a devoted follower of this blog. PURE GOLD DREW! GOLLLDDDDDD