giftastic

I have just a few things to say before I commence my night of star wars 6 return of the jedi, 6-pack of coors light pounders and this laughably large bag of popcorn.  Really, my bag is actually that big (ladies.....)

1) I found a piece of black clothing on the ground outside my car this evening as I drove to the store to buy my foodstuffs.  I knelt down to pick it up, assuming it was mine, ONLY TO REALIZE that it was someone else's underwear.  I said "well this is gross" and then i tossed it gently into the empty parking spot next to mine.  I do not know why there was underwear on the ground, and I definitely want to know the story because at worst it is "someone dropped it" and at best it is "people with an underwear cannon are driving down the highway and shooting black spandex-y boxer briefs into unsuspecting residential apartment parking lots."  Is "residential apartment" redundant?

2) If I have taken a shower in the past couple hours and I'm still very clean and then I pee and my man area is not yet dirty, do I still have to wash my hands?  Really my question is am I washing my hands because my hands have come in contact with my 4th appendage or is it the proximity to pee that makes my hand washing obligatory?  Because, presumably, that should be the area that is most clean on me.  It makes the least contact with the outside world and we tend to take the most care of those parts in particular.  And as I learned from Patches O'Houlihan (who clearly had diabetes by the way), urine is sterile.  So my question to you all:  what is the reason that I should wash my hands after I pee if I have just showered?  Is that even social protocol?  Someone tell me so I know for the future.  For the sake of transparency I did wash my hands after my pee but I was wondering if it was necessary.

Also I thought up a new way to end my blogs.  They will end with a gif of the day.  and if this doesn't work out we can always go back to haikus.  here is your gif.  hopefully it's a smooth transition, because this guy is asian and all that.  Sorry for those of you reading on your phones, this may make these posts take longer to load.  I hope that last sentence made sense because it was kind of a tongue twister for me.  anyway. GIF!

space and blood

before I start this blog, look at this.  Space is cool.

Ive been on this art/science/space kick recently.  And I'm really not mad about it.  My internet browsing over the past couple of weeks ultimately culminated in finding this last night.  After minutes of frantic internet searching, I have determined that I will not be able to find one for myself, and my dreams have been crushed.  That deck literally encompasses everything I want in art.  Skateboarding and a beard.  I would put that thing on my wall so fast my wall would be overwhelmed by the impulse and there would be a skateboard shaped hole in the wall.  It's science people.  But really I am going to need to work a whole lot more to be able to afford all the crap that I'm gonna end up buying.  Brit I know I've sent you some cool stuff over the past week or so, but get ready for a pretty cool present.  At least I'm pretty sure you'll like it.  Next topic

I did something momentous today.  I drew blood for the first time.  That was pretty awesome.  And I didn't even pass out.  I don't know about you guys, but one time I blacked out a little bit from seeing my own blood.  The weird part is that cognitively it didn't bother me, my brain was just like "yup I think we should not see anymore."  I was carving a pumpkin in college and I cut into my thumb and I started bleeding.  So i walked over to the sink and was rinsing off my thumb so that I didn't die, and then like a minute after I started bleeding (not that much blood, I should mention), I was walking away from the sink to get a paper towel to apply pressure and then I half blacked out and fell into the wall.  Like that kid but  I blacked out first.  Kinda funny.  But the point of that story is that I am a really good pumpkin carver.  Right?  Seriously that's the best pumpkin I've ever carved.  Also I have big veins.  You know what that means right? Good circulation maybe?  I don't know.  I should probably know that.

Back to the initial topic.  SPACE.  When did space stop being the most interesting topic of all time?  When I was a kid space was so cool, and then I literally didn't think about it for like 15 years until like 2 months ago.  Have you all seen that scale of the universe thing?  If not, take a look.  Guess how big stars are.  Real real big.  And apparently we can't even possibly see the whole universe.  We should all have to take a space class in school.  Where there's no homework or anything like that, you just get to go and learn cool stuff about the universe.  You would just watch like my boy Neil deGrasse Tyson on youtube for like 2 weeks and that would be the whole curriculum.  And you would spend a whole class on that scale of the universe site.  And you would watch that Alec Baldwin universe movie where they talk about those giant fire circles on stars that Evel Kinevel used to fly satellites through or something.  Also, it appears that the sun supports our troops or maybe knows someone who has leukemia.  Good job bringing awareness sun.  I also appreciate the light and warmth and stuff.  Really though.  Learn about space.  It's really cool.

Alright well the celtics are starting now so I'm going to go to the gym now.  I think I need a new way to end the blog.  I'm tired of writing haikus.  I'll write one more though.  Here's your haiku

want to change up blog
tell me how I should do that
in comments section

Post title

Herro everyone. Feels like its been a long time again. Welcome back to the depths of my conscious. It's pretty awesome in here. Hopefully nothing really weird comes out.

I haven't eaten anything yet today, and somehow I'm less hungry than I usually am at this time of day. This revelation has brought me to a glorious new thought--maybe the more I eat, the more I need to eat. Maybe if I just never stop eating I won't ever gain any weight. I believe that this makes sense. But seriously I'm starving someone get me food right now. I'm not gonna make it till 11. I can feel my stomach digesting my duodenum and my duodenum digesting my jejunum and my jejunum digesting my ileum and my cecum spewing poop into my abdominal cavity to try to get the extra few calories left over to my surrounding tissues. It's like when you have a mirror in front and behind you but also with poop everywhere. Welcome back to the blog.

So newt Gingrich won south Carolina's primary on Monday, mostly because he went beast mode all over the moderators face. Did you people see that? "hey newt I heard you did some pretty awful things in your personal life that may have a bearing on whether or not people want to vote for you because they care about the character of the head of their country. Care to comment?"
"nope and you're a jerk for bringing it up. Next."
He might as well have just gone into a karate stance and yelled "BYAAAW!" That takes some serious balls, and everyone knows that people vote for people with balls. Perfect strategy right there. I think he should go even more on the offensive and try to convince the other candidates that they're victimizing him by even running against him. They would have no idea how to respond. If there's one thing we learned from the 2007 new England patriots its that the best defense is an obnoxiously aggressive offense. Nothing bad happened at the end there right? (lalalalala can't hear you)

In related news the patriots and the giants are playing each other in the Super Bowl for the first time ever (lalalalala can't hear you). I look forward to watching espn every day for the next week and a half to see all the new story lines that will come from just this season and not in any way from games or seasons in the past. Should be awesome. I think I'm gonna puke. Here's your haiku

Here is something cool
Search for gifs of this cartoon
"Nigel thornberry"

You're welcome. Also here is a preview if you want to know what you're getting yourself into.

http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ly5wrccz781qiczoho1_500.gif

so apparently blogger.com has a new interface that I've been neglecting for like 6 months now.  Im using it right now.  It's sleeker, cleaner, maybe more efficient, but it's got no character.  It's bland.  Boring.  Dull.  And I like it.  Love it.  Gotta have it.  God I want ice cream.  Not cool coldstone google images.  Huge mistake not buying ice cream at the store today, but it's not like google had to rub it in.  Gimme a break.  I never did anything to you google.  Sure I've used Bing a couple of times, but I was just experimenting in college.  Everybody was trying it.  I never thought you would beat me down like this google.  Clearly I'm being punished.

I've been thinking about rearranging my room.  My bed is conveniently located right next to my leaky window that makes the area surrounding the window very cold.  The only problem is that there is literally no other room organization that makes any sense.  So what I'm getting at is there are two options here:
1) keep my room the way it is and be cold all the time.
2) rearrange my room and have it look really stupid.

I think we all know what is going to happen.  Welcome to the maze that will be my room.  Actually it will probably be pretty OK.  Just like it always is.

I came across this artist the other day who makes nature scenes out of food and then photographs them.  Dude is a genius.  But also it's kind of creepy.  I want to buy one but clearly this guy has a food fetish.  If I had two bets for how much he weighs it would be under 100 pounds or over 600.  But probably under 100 because a really fat dude would have chubby fingers and chubby fingers aren't good with crafts.  But then again I kinda have a thing for food and I weigh between 100 and 600 lbs.  Oh that reminds me of something.  All my professors at school say "heighth" and non-existent words like that.  Oh and "eck cetera." Do you know how much it hurts to hear "eck cetera"?  (here is where I go on a rant)  You know those sounds that you hear through your teeth?  The ones that somehow hit the resonance frequency of you liver and makes your brain expand through your skull?  It's nowhere near that bad.  It's just kind of annoying.  And I wish they would stop.

You know what's kind of a funny topic that I haven't discussed yet?  unibrows.  That will be my whole discussion on this topic.

Who remembers that basketball player who had his own little webpage on the team's website?  10 Internet points to whoever remembers who I'm talking about and finds that site.  Even though I think it got taken down.  Ok I'm done now.  Here is your haiku

Tim to fix my room
keep me from getting around
punish myself now

maybe while the rest of the interner is blacked out today people will read my blog

I had another near towel poop experience recently.  I farted and let it air our for a second before I put my towel on.  But the displaced air from my towel moving literally funneled the fart right into my face.  It was uncanny.  It was like a particle accelerator but instead of for protons and stuff it was for whatever vile combination of insoluble fiber and sulfur makes farts and instead of crashing particles into each other, it crashed aerosol poop into my cranial nerve I.  I had forgotten about it until I came to write this and I immediately started thinking of my recent poop experiences.

I've been doing this thing for the past almost a week where I won't shower one day and then I'll shower twice the next day in an effort to make up for it.  It's really messing with my towel's drying cycle.  I'll have a super dry towel for my morning shower and then a really wet towel for my evening shower.  Not cool.  You know what I want?  A body air dryer.  This one.  I want to have one of those that is on the ceiling of my shower and then when I'm done showering I can get into that humiliating airport body scanner position where they can see how sweaty your armpits are because of how nervous you are that you left your nail clippers in your backpack by accident and then they have to pat you down and find that embarrassing butt cheek piercing that you keep forgetting to get removed and then half the people on your plane think you're an idiot and the other half think you're a terrorist and nobody wants to sit next to you not only because you held up the line, but also now you're even sweatier because you're more nervous and you stink and then your bag won't fit in the overhead compartment so they fake check it but really the guys that are supposed to take it under the plane just steal all your stuff and replace it with fire ants.

And then the dryer will come down from the ceiling and dry the crap out of me and I won't have to worry about towel wetness anymore.  That will be in the same bathroom that I have my urinal in because then I'll be ultra efficient in that bathroom.  It will increase my speed by 3.  And I bet it will kinda tingle in a silly place.  By the way, that's one of my favorite song lyrics of all time.  Right up there with such classics as anything that afroman writes.  Also if you google "tingle in a silly place" you get this blog with a hilarious first 4 lines and then I didn't read the rest because it looked stupid.  Not even one fart mention in the first 4 lines.  Weak.

So we have 11 months and 3 days till the world ends everyone.  I know I said that I was going to mention the end of the world in every blog and right now I'm shooting about 50%, but gimme a break alright?  The beginning of the year is the worst time of the year to make decisions about how productive you plan on being.  When is the beginning of the year? January.  What season in January? winter.  What is there a lot of in winter? ice.  What is ice?  Hard.  You know what else is hard? Rocks (you like how I didn't mention genitals like my boy Jordan?).  And that is why every winter everybody goes into pet rock mode and then fails miserably at getting into shape and quitting drinking.  Because your soul is part of you and you are 70% water so every winter your soul freezes into a pet ice rock and then you have no will to make any changes.  But you know what melts ice? Alcohol.  And that is why in the winter you have to drink before you can get out of bed in the morning.  It's science people.  Trust me, I'm a doctor.  Also I may want to seek some help.

I would like to end this post on a semi-serious note.  I'm sure you've all seen stuff about SOPA and PIPA today on facebook or google or whatever, and I am here to tell you that we must protect our house.  And by our house I mean the glorious interwebs.  Because if SOPA or PIPA pass, I will run out of content so fast it's not even funny.  I mean you can all tell I'm grasping for straws here as it is.  But if I can't find ridiculous things on the internet, then I cannot post them here.  And god knows there's enough pirated material on this post alone to bring me under.  So really what I'm trying to say here is if you care about keeping this ridiculous blog going or keeping me out of jail, at least read about what it will do to our glorious internet.  Because if you like stuff like this and don't want xzibit to be able to shut down the entire internet for unlicensed use of his image, you probably don't like SOPA.  And now you know.

Here's your haiku.

post pirated stuff
US senate not approve
cell mate: new boyfriend

towel poop

I just did something that I think some of you might enjoy hearing about.  I took a shower, and then dried off in my usual fashion.  Then I was flossing my teeth because gingivitis can lead to heart disease (knowledged) and I had my towel around my waist.  Then I farted.  At first I thought nothing of it, and then I realized that I just poop sprayed the object I use to wipe my whole body off.  Literally the one thing that touches the most parts of my body, and on a daily basis.  Aerosol pooped.  So needless to say I realized what I had done, then finished the rest of the fart, and then threw the towel in my dirty laundry.  But it got me thinking.  How many times have I done this in the past and continued to use the same towel? How much poop have I wiped on myself over the years?  This is an important question.  I think there is a pretty good chance that I have wiped poop on myself tens of times, if not more, over the course of my lifetime.  I think that might have major implications in the way I live my life.  I'm not sure what they are yet, but I will definitely be thinking about it.  And I will continue to update all of you on what I come up with.

Well this is gonna be a short blog because I'm about to leave my house, but I just thought I should share that quick story with all of you.  And by all of you I mean like the 6 of you that read this nonsense.  This is the 8th month that I have written a blog post in.  Not real sure how I feel about that.  8 months and still talking about poop.  Here's your haiku.

january blogs
exactly the same as june
feels pretty OK

one more thing

I have one view from Pakistan.  That country's democratic revolution is inevitable now.  Please excuse our appearance we are remodeling, sparking change in nations across the world.  I did not know that Pakistan had uncensored internet.  They call me the oppressed nation liberator.

new semester glory

I got two new jackets over this winter break.  One is a black peacoat that makes me look like an absolute boss (and that might even be selling me short) and one is a green water/windproof jacket.  Literally for the past 10 years I have avoided waterproof things and finally I gave in this year at 22 years old and bought one because I also look super cool in that jacket.  Why did I avoid waterproof things for a decade you ask? Because I do not like swooshy material.  I do not like the sound it makes.  I do not like the way it shakes.  I do not like the way it feels.  I do not like it on my heels.  You get the idea.  But for some reason, this jacket's swooshiness has not bothered me.  I'm just swooshing left and right and doing it with pride.  I think that this is a sign of my maturity.  I no longer  discriminate based on material friction sounds.  This new breakthrough gives me hope for myself, for America, and for the world.  If I can get over my distaste for swooshy material, maybe we can all get over our prejudices and hold hands and stuff like that.  But then we will get all of each others' germs.  Let's all wash our hands first.  Public safety comes before niceties.  Fo reals.

I had a major "what do I do with my hands" moment today.  I was in my radpo lab today (for all of you not in tri 5 or later at logan college of chiropractic, that means radiographic positioning) and for whatever reason I thought it was a good idea to stand up for the whole class instead of taking one of the stools off of the stacks they were in and sitting on that.  I can say with confidence that in the roughly 32 minutes I was in that room I changed my arm position 65 times.  Here are the positions I tried, most at least 5 times:
-hands in front pockets
-hands in back pockets
-hands in jacket pockets
-arms crossed
-leaned back on the stools
-one hand in front pocket, one hanging loosely
-hands down by my sides
-hands folded in front of my UPA
-hands folded behind my back
-I'm sure I'm forgetting some but you get the idea

And on top of my constant fidgeting and my heavy-breathing classmate beside me, my fill-in teacher would not stop looking me directly in the eyes.  I swear we had like 9 minutes of solid eye contact during that lab.  Come on bro, I know I'm dreamy but try looking at someone else.  Actually I should take that back, because he did look at one other dude and the ceiling occasionally.  I honestly thought he was going to ask me out after class, and I wouldn't be surprised if he found me on facebook and congressmaned me.  Ok I know that last link may have been almost uncalled for, but it was all over TV and you've all seen clothed wieners before.  Literally every day.  I have a clothed wiener right now.  There are billions of clothed wieners in the world right now.  Get over it.  But really I think he was trying to put the moves on me.  But instead of using the tried and true Barney Stinson formula of backhanded compliments, then ignoring, then establishing intimacy through physical contact, saying my name a lot, and really intense eye contact, he just was using intense eye contact.  And just so you all know, I remembered all those steps off the top of my head.  Be impressed.  Stinson always gets the yes.

My knee has been acting funny for the past two days.  The worst part is that I didn't hurt it doing anything.  I skated, then laid on the ground for like an hour like I usually do, and then when I stood up it hurt.  I literally got hurt from laying down.  It hurts in a really weird spot too.  Like not so much in the joint, or in a muscle, but like right in one little spot.  Although I did slam kinda funny one time.  I decided skating with my hands in my pockets was a good idea, and of course I slipped out and fell right onto my stomach.  My neck muscles must be the strongest things of all time because I have no idea how I didn't smash my face on the ground.  It was one of those super slowmo times, and I saw the ground get close to my face and felt my hands decide that my pockets were the best place for them to be.  I must have had some devils snare in my pockets or something (HP joke!), thank god I payed attention in herbology.  I thought I was gonna puke up my 1500 calorie 2nd lunch that I had eaten right before I skated.  Did you guys know I like to eat?  That reminds me of a game that I haven't played in a while, that my girl bmbobik reminded me of yesterday.  TO THE NEXT PARAGRAPH

On our first day of school yesterday, it was really hot in our classroom.  Like 85+F, or about 30C for my international readers (I'm looking at you Finland).  So in honor of the strange heat in our classroom, I would like to play a slight variation on the ever popular "did I sweat sitting down today?" and play "did I sweat sitting down yesterday?"

Yes.

Ok well since comp boards are tomorrow, I don't have class so I'm gonna go do what any responsible grad student should do and go celebrate with my boys in Ballwin.  Also I'm doing my laundry now because I'm a big boy.  Shoutout to my boy Black Doug, good luck tomorrow buddy.  I know you'll end up reading this after you take and pass comp boards, so I guess congratulations are in order.  I feel very comfortable doing this because jinxes only exist in sports.

SPORTS!  How could I forget by boy Tebow.  I laughed so hard when they scored that touchdown in overtime.  Not only because of my inherent hatred of all things pittsburg steelers, but because of how glorious the play was.  "oh no, new overtime rules, what's going to happen, high drama, what if something weird happens, this is a momentus--oh.  the game's over.  Tebow throws a pass to tebow who stiffarms the entire city of pittsburg and crushes the hopes of a blue collar city just trying to make it through a recession.  real nice tebow."  Tebows line wasn't that funny in the end, but it did have some fine moments for me.  He was a mildly entertaining 10/21 with 316 yards, putting him at 31.6 yards per completion.  Does this guy know how to have a regular game?  I hope not so that I can enjoy his career for years to come.  I love you Tebow.  Ok that's enough of that.  Time for your haiku

wednesday night tonight
biggest party night of all
I'm doctor swagoo

Back to school

Insert billy Madison joke here.

Well I'm writing this blog from the sky because people can fly now. Pretty cool I know. Not sure if you've ever heard of it but we have these things called airplanes and they go like 500 miles per hour and also they fly. So that's pretty cool. I hope all ten I my readers have enjoyed their Christmas break. If you don't celebrate Christmas then I hope you enjoyed my Christmas break. The new semester starts in two days and with it comes a fresh start. A new beginning. New opportunities. New knowledge. And, most importantly, a more regular blog schedule, along with another (33*15=) roughly 500 hours of sitting in my beloved seat two rows down from the top and roughly 4 chairs from the wall, depending on how sprawled out the Tank decides to be on any given day. Ah yes. The wonders of a new semester. Let's hope for a continuation of January spring 2012 so I can continue skateboarding and remain a likable human being. To winter semester 2012!

I saw a guy who skates at the airport today. We kinda eyed each other and silently judged each others clothing and shoes before settling on "cool that guy skates too." we skateboarders have a very strong tendency to do that. Check to see stance based on shoe wear, trick preference based on board and truck wear, etc. we're like mini Sherlock Holmeses, but without the chemistry and stuff. So really we just like to look at shoes and skateboards. We're children.

My mom said to me yesterday "you graduate next year" and I kinda peepeed my pants in excitement. Yeah it's still two years away, but it's still next year. So suck it nerds I'm almost done. Also I snagged a exit row seat on the flight. Feeling pretty good about myself today. In feelin so nice that I'm actually giving the guy next to me a little extra elbow space because I'm in that seat with nobody to my left. Actually I just decided im taking what's rightfully mine and I also just farted to assert my dominance. Suck it guy playing mw3 on your computer. You seem like a nice guy but I do not accept the terms that you are setting forth. We will go to war if we must. Also I will be watching your game because it's really cool looking. Stop jumping for no reason.

Last night I had this dream where somebody was trying to break into my house and I saw him and yelled "BBRRRRRRRAP" and he ran away. I woke up really pissed. The weird hong was he was breaking into a window that he could see through into a room with like 8 people in it that he could plainly see. Good job with that realistic robbery scenario brain. I appreciate that you make my dreams really realistic so that I'm prepared when they happen in real life. Next time I encounter a thief with that sort of gusto I'll know that he is apparently scared by onomatopoeia that rappers use for gun shots. If brrapp doesn't work then I'll just try "blocka!" an "ch-ch-BLAOW". And if those dont work I'll just go with reggae noises. I bet saying bombaclot will really deter thieves. I'll be sure to let the police know so they can distribute that information amongst the public. I hate myself.

I think that maybe this semester I'll start trying to really learn again. Not that I didn't learn last tri but I'd like to learn like a bowse this semester. I gotta make a serious recovery from just sitting on my phone all day. I'm gonna be the best blood pressure measurer of all time. But I will not learn pharmacology. I refuse. Nope. Not gonna happen Logan. Lay off me, I'm starving (for useful knowledge). RIp Chris Farley.

Ok I'm gonna go back to reading a book now because that is what smart people do. And I'm smart. I promise. See you all in central time. Where I will be posting this. Because I'm not allowed to whilst being carried trough the air by this metal beast. Here's your haiku

Back to school today
Chesterfield my home sweet home
God I hate myself.

Welcome to the 2012 edition of drews blog

This year I'm going to make a major shift in my blogdom. This will no longer consist of the nonsense and mindless drivel of the previous 6 months. By the way, can you believe six months? Oh me oh my. From now on this will be a blog for the learned and the thinkers of the world. I will provide you all with thought provoking and insightful material about the world and such. You will all be better people for reading what I have written while I am bored in class or laying on the floor in my apartment putting off taking a shower. And on that note, I give to you my firt blog of the newest of the years: 2012.

I just realized something that completely just blew my mind. Starting with the year 2000, the age that I turn on my birthday from now until I die will, if you add up the numbers in my age (11=2,13=4, etc), add up to the same number of the sum of the numbers of the year. (2000=2, 2003=5, etc). I can feel my brain tingling with the realization, and I can also feel the disappointment brewing in that same brain that it took me 13 years to figure that out. Ok I give up. Clearly im too stupid to be giving you all smart tuff to read. Time to stick with what I'm good at. Here are some of my plans for the last year that any of us will exist ever again

1) I'm building a bow out of PVC pipe and string and I will be buying arrows to shoot with said bow at a bale of hay which I will also be purchasing. Way too much fun shooting at our makeshift ammar dicko this weekend to not do that on a regular basis.
2) I will try to mention the impending end of the world in every blog post. For some reason the end of the world is really funny to me.

That's it. Those I guess are my new years resolutions. Now I will proceed to tell you all about how absurdly fun my trip to Delaware was. Here are some I the things I did this week:
--drank banana bread beer for the second time
--ate food off of someone else's buffet. And by ate food I mean I dipped chicken into a giant dish of melted cheese and stuffed it all into my mouth
--went swimming outside
--kickflipped on a longboard
--practiced archery
--farted
--listened to Kevin's dominick the donkey story again
--killed terrorists
--actually met Cameron's family and learned that they actually exist
--slapped Tim's hands super hard
--head butted Tim and Spfp to the ground
--didn't peepee the bed

By the way, YouTube "ain't gonna peepee my bed tonight." it is glorious and you won't regret it. The bottom line is I miss my college friends and I'm upset that I will not get to see them again for a long time. We do weird stuff.

Before I go I would like to tell you all that I am siting next to a monk right now and he looks like a boss. Orange robes. Shaved head. I am very happy about this. Here's your haiku

New year is here now
Time to kill it one more year
With smart guy fart jokes