on a roll

I've studied for the past 2 days in a row.  And on top of that, I'm even planning to do some more studying this very evening.  They call me the finals dominator.  And I also have a story to tell.  Blog, HOOOOOOOOO

So I was minding my own merry business yesterday, staring at some pathology words on a paper, all alone in my classroom because everyone else had left.  It was in the early afternoon.  One of my classmates, who shall remain nameless, entered the classroom and started talking to me.  I decided to engage him back.  So we get to talking, and by we I mean he told me all about himself for like 20 minutes and I smiled and nodded and gave some appropriate social feedback.  Until we started talking about his old high school.  So from there, he told me his school had a lot of Bosnian immigrants and inner city kids bussed in to attend, which didnt seem that out of the ordinary.  He told me about the Bosnian kids and how they all smell bad and had "rice burner" cars, which I am looking up right now on urban dictionary because I don't know what it means.  And I'm being told it's racist.

He then said that only about 30% of people from his high school went to college.  I was sort of surprised, being from the snooty rich town that I'm from, since almost all of my friends, even the dumb ones, went to college.  Then this person said to me, and I'm paraphrasing for the most part, but I'm gonna put it in quotes here for effect, "I don't know about the Bosnians or black kids, but out of all my white friends, you know, the people from good families, like 30% went to college."  Yay racism!  Dude didn't even flinch.  And he's just some normal guy too.  Here is how I felt, and here is how I looked.  Straight poker faced him.  Gotta love blatant, unapologetic racism.  Except the opposite.  Get me back to a northern coast please.  Maybe we still do lame stuff up there too, but at least we have the decency to keep our racism private (except the old people, who of course do whatever they want).  Hey dude, I appreciate that middle eastern food smells bad, but I'm not trying to hear about how the black kids are all from "bad families."  uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I'm uncomfortable now, I think I'm gonna go study pathology and write an apology letter to Al Sharpton for you.  He's still in charge of formal racism apologies right? Too much for me.

Well now that I've spent the past 2 days writing about religion and racism, I'm gonna go a little bit lighter here.  I would like to give you another funny thing I found from reddit.  Maybe even 2, depending on how I feel. This is a series of pictures that I saw last night while I was roaming the interwebs.  Oh my is this funny.  If you're in class, I recommend that you compose yourself fully before reading? this and then have some sort of object at hand to cover your face.  Because you're about to enter the roflcopter and take a flight over to lmaosville.  I hope that I've hyped this up enough so that you really think it's not funny anymore, aka the Big Lebowski effect.  People do that with movies all the time, but I've never seen it crash so hard as it does with the Big Lebowski.  You know who likes Big Lebowski?  Not your girlfriend or your friend whose favorite movie is fight club.  You know who does like big lebowski?  your drug dealer.  Rule #1 of the big lebowski--never watch it with anyone who has never seen it before.  It's the worst.  It's like watching a skate video with someone who doesnt skate.  You're sitting there making the occasional "OH" or "woo!" sound and the other person is playing fruit ninja lite for the 200th time even though they've already got the highest score possible because they can't afford a dollar for the real thing.  I know none of you skate but I'll assume you have some sort of correlating experience, even though I'm sure you're all shaking your head "no" right now.  I hate you all.

I have come to the realization that grad school is the worst time I could have ever got a smartphone.  I've devised a little equation here in the last 10 seconds and it goes a little something like this:

___(amount of studying I have to do)^2____  =GPA
  amount of time on reddit on my phone

You see, as reddit approaches 0, my GPA approaches infinity, and as as reddit approaches infinity, my GPA approaches 0.  However, I really just need to keep study time at about 3.6(reddit^2) so I can look smart to my parents.  This is a very careful balancing act that mostly involves going on reddit.  My current situation is sort of like in 2008 when the economy crashed and then we had like 25 other major crises (natural disasters, etc.) in like a 2 year period, and every time anyone would talk about it on the news, everything was "the perfect storm" of stuff coming together to destroy us all at once, but everybody knew that it was just a regular storm added to people being idiots.  And I'm beginning to realize 2 things:

1) I put way too much stock in stuff John Stewart says, and
2) I'm an idiot just like everybody else

It's kind of nice knowing that I'm just as stupid as everybody else.  For so long I had the burden of thinking that I was super smart and therefore had responsibility to actually do something useful with myself, but now I'm finding out that I just like looking at funny pictures on the internet.  It's like a huge weight has been taken off my shoulders and it has been replaced with like 3 really soft puppies that are actually cumulatively the same weight as the other weight but they're so much cuter.  Welp, I feel great now.  Oh and here is the other thing from reddit I was gonna show you.

insanity wolf
really has to poop in class
and you know the rest.

tebow and the pope and wrestling and such

I've been seeing a lot of articles about how it's bad to make fun of tim tebow for tebowing.  And clearly the people writing these articles did not learn from when they got made fun of in elementary school.  You know what's funny?  Tebowing.  You know what's funnier than that?  Tebowing in the face of someone who is whining really loud about how bad it is to mock someone's religion.  Remember when you were growing up and you were just doing weird stuff, minding your own business because you were 6 and 6 year olds do weird stuff?  And then your brother said "Drew stop that it's really annoying"?  What did you do?  DO IT WAY HARDER.  I believe I've made my point but I will continue to make it in the next paragraph.

Lately a lot of people have been saying stuff like "if tebow was a muslim you wouldn't do that" and "christians are the last group that it's ok to make fun of."  Well, it's also ok to make fun of fat people so that 2nd point is moot.  But as for the first point, you're right.  But, if you want to make that argument and really make it work for you, I think you need to find some crazier extremists and bombard the media with them so everybody thinks that when you get messed with, a bunch of people die.  Because nobody makes fun of the dude with the crazy cousin, no matter what's wrong with him.  Personally if I was the christian King (Jesus?) I would choose radicalism.  Go big or go home.  Or as I always say, go big and then go home.  But you're gonna have to choose your signature move.  Stone Cold had the stunner, undertaker had the choke slam, the rock had the people's elbow.  You're gonna have to get creative, christians.  It's gotta be catchy.  It's gonna start with "the."  And it's gotta get the crowd going.  How about the pope slam?  Cross yourself with those 2 fingers and then hook under the dude's chin with those same fingers, and do like a submandibular triangle slam (but with both hands for balance because that's not a midsaggital triangle.  It's just an idea (but an awesome one).  Maybe I went too far with this.  Or maybe not far enough.

You could have a whole wrestling crew and call it "the clergy" or something.  Each of you can have different clergy names and you would all wear rosaries and instead of hitting people with chairs you use a big cross or a pew or something.  Your leader can wear the pope hat and come out in a fake popemobile (Apparently popemobile is an accepted word by blogger.com by the way).  You guys would be a hit.  Your song that you come out to would be "amazing grace" or "jesus loves the little children" or better yet "I am a C"  I would pay so much to see greased up dudes in bikini underwear wrestle to that song.  In a totally straight way.  I think.

Well I'm pretty sure this is the most offensive blog I've written so far.  Haven't really come down this path before, so I guess we'll just have to see what happens here.  Also not really sure why I went the wrestling route.  But I like it.  Time for some hummus and online TV reruns.

write about wrestling
link the anatomy terms--
instant board review

Oh my

Welp I'm here studying pathology and I have a few thoughts on this subject. It is the worst. I'm essentially trying to memorize different types of anemia and cancer. Hey chiropractic school--there is a reason I didn't go to med school and it's not so I could learn all this crap anyway. Show of hands--how many of you have treated cancer with your bear hands (http://chzsomuchpun.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/funny-puns-my-bear-hands.jpg)? Like my new way of posting links from my phone? Pretty awesome huh? Copy and paste it you lazy bastards. Well back to the point. I would like to demonstrate to you all how I will be treating patients with cancer.

"well mr patient your x ray has some spots on it that could be cancer, so I will refer you to an oncologist now. Good luck with your cancer."

Boom treated. All without ever taking pathology 2 taught by miscellaneous med school professors. I'm not real happy about this. Time to go study again, but not before your haiku

Read pathology.
All words look the same to me
Chop my head off now

I just farted.

not in sleep mode yet

I made soup tonight after I reffed some soccer because it's real cold out.  I put some goldfish in it, and I had a sad realization.  Whole grain goldfish are nowhere near as good as the regular stuff.  They're not the same crispy wonderful slightly cheesy snack I've grown to love so much.  It's way harder and overall a huge disappointment.  Good thing I only bought the biggest box they sell in normal grocery stores.  Now I get to be disappointed for like 3 days while I stuff my face with letdown after letdown.  I mean did you see that little girl's face?  Blatantly mocking me.  "Oh Drew you want regular godlfish?  OOPS, I spilled some all over the floor.  Looks like you can't have any of these because it's only OK for little kids like me to eat stuff off the floor.  That must be so upsetting for you.  I would offer you a tissue but I'm gonna need it to wipe all the cheesy goodness off of my hands and the places my tongue doesn't reach on my face that somehow I'll manage to get food on because I'm a small child and my motor control isn't very good.  I still have to build some neural pathways before I'll be able to eat without getting crumbs in my eyebrows."  I hate you.

So I have my first A of the semester, 4 days before finals starts.  Thank you class for failing our first NMS test miserably so I got a whole bunch of free points that I really didnt need and making it super easy for me to cruise to an A.  So far, so good.  Doin it and doin it and doin it well.  

Also, I was reading the new skateboarder magazine today and there's a section called "who's hot" where they do mini interviews to like 4 up and comers in skateboarding, and one of the questions was "what would you do if you won the lottery?"  I started thinking what I would do, and I was pretty disappointed in my imagination.  All my answers are really practical, with the exception of the like 3 cool things I would want to do with my hypothetical house (urinal in every bathroom, basement skatepark, hammock floor).  And I've been disappointed in my ability to think of something funny for christmas this year (nothing plausible yet).  I just have no creativity left I guess.  My brain is slowly being stripped of all its glory by being force fed information in lecture 7 hours a day, and on top of that I'm definitely getting some early cold whininess.  I would call it depression, but really it's just whininess.  STOP IT DREW.  YOU'RE BUMMING OUT THE READERS WITH YOUR DEPRESSING JIBBER JABBER.   Do you ever wonder what Mr T is like in real life?  Me neither.

Well it's just about that time where I'm gonna have to actually start buckling down and studying for finals because I feel guilty not learning all the crap they want me to learn.  So I hope it doesn't cut into my blogging, but I can make no guarantees.  Most of them will probably be mid-class short sweet nothings whispered into the deep tubes of the internets.  So don't be upset with me for not giving you a mental break from your finals, because it takes about 15 times longer for me to write this crap than it does for you to read it.  So I will now leave you with a meme, because there's only so many haikus you can write.

conspiracy keanu, everyone.

Ten minute Physio blog

Let's see if I can bang this thing out in fifteen minutes. Shouldn't be a problem since I only have one thing to talk about. Button fly pants. Here we go

So I bought my first pair of button fly pants last week and I feel like a total sellout. I have been fundamentally against button fly pants because they take so long to button up and because I thought they would take a long time to unbutton. Turns out only one of those things is true. Real easy to take off. A little....too easy. But still I feel at least 1/2 sold out. Fortunately, as I get older I've become better and better at suppressing shame and just doing whatever it is I feel like doing. But this is serious. Major ethical dilemma here. Does wearing pants that I have to button 5 times make me lame? My vote currently is still yes. Let's take a look at the facts shall we?

1) I write a blog on a regular basis
2) I bought a pair of button fly pants
3) I have ray ban glasses.
4) I like plaid

That's it. I've done it. I'm officially a lame hipster. what have I done? And not only that, I've made it clear that my inner monologue is gay. I think I should probably just get it over with and move to France and start wearing a beret and dress shoes with no socks. I'm the worst. I need some time to reflect on what my life has become. Here's your somewhat related haiku

Put on my new pants
Button button button stop.
Two more buttons left

sunday sunday

Good day everyone.  I say good day because it's technically still morning here in missouri for another 2 minutes but I don't want to offend those of you who are on the east coast and clearly are now in the afternoon.  I would hate to inappropriately greet any of you.  So good day.  I said good day.

Finals start this week.  Friday.  It's about to go down.  But before finals start, I would like to show you my new favorite goal of all time.  I put it on facebook yesterday but I feel like I owe it a long-winded and hyperbolic breakdown.  So here we go.

For whatever reason I think it's even funnier to watch this goal in what appears to be Turkish?  I have no explanation why, but Turkish is just kinda funny to me.  Does anyone know what turkish delight is?  I'm gonna go ahead and google it and see what it looks like.  Hold please.  Well.  That does not help at all.  Oh you mean it's cubes with white powder on it?  I completely understand what that is now! Thank you so much.  But now onto the goal.

I'll hit the obvious point first.  He's black.  Now that we got that out of the way, can you honestly believe that goal?  The score is 4-1 in the 89th minute, and the game is clearly done for, so what do you do?  Shoulder in a ball that's already going in and try to intimidate the net off of the goal.  His teammates are like "yay that was so cool I liked how you put the ball in the goal" and he is essentially Insanity Wolf.  I finally understand what swag is.  People have been using the term "swagger" wrong for like 5 years now.  Whenever that song "swagger like us" came out, they clearly had no idea what they were talking about.  I mean, they weren't even fly like the bees in the trees, and they had never seeen that goal because it was in the future and they're not Michael J Fox.  I've never seen such authority in my entire life.  Sports Authority has less authority over sports than Balotelli has over that goal.  Mind--Blown.  If there is one thing reddit has done for me that doesnt involve me wasting all of my time every day, it is giving me way more internet to put links to on this blog.  Gotta love the blown mind gif.  Do I understand it?  Not really.  Is it really funny?  Yup.

This is my other new favorite meme. Oh what's that you're saying, internet?  I'm a huge nerd now and you're not sure if you want to be friends with me anymore?  I understand.   But seriously, Neil Degrasse Tyson, astrophysicist and overall super smart and useful contributor to the earth, and he is best known for a black and white drawing of him with a quote next to him that he didn't say.  That's the internet at its finest.  I've been saying "watch out guys, we got a badass over here" to myself all the time recently.  Unfortunately, the only person I know who gets it is only in like 3 of my classes now, so I'm essentially forever alone now.  But hopefully this paragraph will help spread the word of the glory of Neil Degrasse Tyson and I won't have to makes jokes to myself all the time.  So now you know.

So i saw Tim's facebook post about Harry Potter weekend from friday or saturday or whatever day it was, and I gotta say it made me real happy.  Not only was it about harry potter and how awesome ABC family is for force feeding us harry potter movies because they know it's the only reason people watch ABC family, but also Tim is starting to write facebook statuses like how I write blogs.  Here it is in its entirety.

"no idea how or why i'm awake right now... but the glory that is harry potter weekend is making it impossible to even consider going back to sleep. what's that you say? every 3rd weekend is harry potter weekend and it's ridiculous that you watch it almost every time? well i say to you, judgemental facebook status readers of the world, while your words are upsetting, i don't really care what you think. Filch all day."


Sound famlilar? Asking yourself questions that clearly nobody is actually asking because you're writing on your computer alone and then giving answers that you had already thought up? Anyone? Nobody? Tim loves me everyone! He reads my blog with such fervor that even my inner monologue is starting to penetrate his own. And not in a gay way. Unless you're into that. They're not real anyway so you can imagine them any way you want because they have no physical manifestation. So I guess what I'm saying here is that maybe my and Tim's inner monologues are gay for each other or something? I don't know.  Time to eat breakfast.  But first--your haiku

gay monologues drew?

that's really where you're going?

have seat over there.

They call me the Chris Hansen incorporator.  Also remember when that guy got caught diddling?  

Blog Tub Time Machine.

writing this while sweaty on the floor in my room

I've gone skateboarding for 3 days in a row now.  GREAT choice on my part.  Today I had the little kindergarten class watching me through the windows, just making the teachers' jobs so much easier.  Hey teachers, where's my cut?  You're supposed to be occupying these kids' minds here, and I'm doing it for you.  How bout a tip or something?  A guy's gotta eat.  Even though mom and dad pay for all my food, I gotta drink right? I mean I'm only 22 here.  I have like 7 more years before it starts to get lame that I still binge drink and skateboard.  And then obviously it gets really cool again right after that.  Just look at that guy.  But really.  I'm serious.  I deserve a tip or something.  40 minutes of entertainment earns me at least like 2 or 3 bucks per teacher.  And that's lowballing myself.  My time is valuable.  I mean I'm here doing your job when I need to be blogging, watching tv on the internet, and putting off studying till this weekend.  I mean I have an exhausting schedule here.  At least offer to do my laundry or something.

Today I saw a picture of a bug that is so big that it can eat full sized carrots.  I should warn you.  That link goes to the bug.  and it is a large.  I would call it a large bug.  And since when do bugs have mouths that big?  I really only have  one question for you all though.  How hard would you stomp that bug? I would stomp it harder than I have ever stomped anything in my life.  You remember in American History X when ed norton stomped that dude's face? Or when Albert haynesworth stomped that dude when he played for the titans?  I would stomp that bug about 100000000X harder than that.  It would make the most satisfying crunch.  Like no crunch you've ever heard.  You would never be able to get that sound out of your head.  I bet it would echo.  You'd have to wear boots though.  And like those gallagher ponchos to avoid all the juice.  You would have to have like a warrior cry too.  I would definitely go with the howard dean BYAAA!  Oh my someone get me this bug so I can BYAA the crap out of it.  I watch the L word on showtime.  BYA

But seriously.  How big is that bug?  Do you think it's even real?  I mean it's on the internet so it has to be, but is it real?  How does a bug evolve to be that big?  Don't exoskeletons get inefficiently heavy at that size?  And WHO IS OK WITH HOLDING THAT THING IN THEIR HAND?  I get that some people aren't grossed out by spiders and stuff (like Zisk.  Nerves of steel that one), but who was like "hold that bug? yeah no problem I've seen bigger."  NO YOU HAVENT.  I've seen dinosaurs smaller than that.  That bug is like the size of the smallest person.  If that thing can fly I might just kill myself right now so I never have to see it fly at me.  If tha can fly I'm carrying a tennis racket with me all the time now so I can slice and dice that thing in one swoop.  Hopefully they're dumb like cicadas and fly really slowly right at you so you can dominate them right out of the air and then BYA them.  I mean that thing is a monster.  Literally.  There is a new genus in the animal kingdom and it is "monstrus" and that bug is the only thing in it.

Saying "monstrus" last paragraph made me really miss the dining hall in college when me and zisk would make the monstrosity on burger night.  The best strosity.  Double cheeseburger with two layers of fries in it.  essentially a big mac with fries in it.  That is why I put on weight in college.  And then immediately lost it because I hate being fat.  In one of my classes we had to write about what cues we have to make us exercise.  I wrote something along the lines of "I can feel myself getting fatter and I can feel my skin folding over onto itself and it makes me want to puke so then I go work out and stop eating so much."  Not those words exactly but something like that.  That has to be my least favorite feeling.  My stomach skin folding up on itself and touching other things.  I'd rather have that bug crawl all over me and I immediately take that back I don't want that bug near me.  Unless it's under my boot.  I can see it now.  I'm imagining the perfect stomp.  Sports psychology here.  Knee comes up to my chest, I see the bug look up at me with the carrot in its mouth, then BYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA and its intestines mash out from under my boot and i squish it and the crunch is so satisfying.  Get me this bug but really keep it away from me but I wanna squish it so bad.  Here's your haiku

giant carrot bug
i would like to squish your head
and see you go dead