back to the blog

well I would like to apologize for my poor blog showing over the past few days.  every once in a while I actually have things to do that encroach on my blog writing and this week has had more than its fair share.  I would like to emphasize the usage of 'its' rather than 'it's' in that past sentence, because it really bothers me when people use the wrong homonyms.  come on guys, use the proper there/they're/their.  I realize contractions have messed with your head but that's no excuse.  unless you use the wrong accept/except because those have some confusing and convoluted usages that really nobody but Mrs. Brackman from good old westwood high  can figure out.

So just a heads up, this post is coming at you from 2:19 current time in good old missouri.  And at this time I would like to announce that I, Drew "the best blogger of all time L---- (come on, I can't put my whole name in like that.  I'm gonna have patients and kids some day) is going to be an uncle in about 7 months!  I KNOW I'M SO EXCITED TOO!!  Quick poll, who among you thinks I will be the best uncle of all time?  Oh all of you think that?  Good because you're right!  I just saw the first picture of the little critter today via picture message of the ultrasound my sister got, and I'm absolutely giddy.  Can't remember the last time I was this excited.  I know this blog isn't usually about big important life changing events, but this one is too big to not write about.  I am going to kill it so hard.  Am I going to live within a thousand miles of this child for the first 2 years of its life?  Absolutely not.  Is it going to love me more than anyone else in the whole world?  YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT.  My new budget is as follows (in percentages of income):  Money spent on beer--4%  Money spent on skateboarding--4%  Money spent on things for my niece/nephew==92%.  Honestly I could get married and go pro in skateboarding and win all the lotteries in the next 7 months and not be as excited about that as I am about this kid.  BRIDGET HURRY UP I WANT TO MEET YOUR CHILD.  To be honest I found out about this like 3 weeks ago and I wasn't allowed to tell anybody.  I think I got an ulcer from the stress of holding it in.  I might as well have been  banned from pooping for 3 weeks.  absolutely killer.  but now it's out there and you all better be excited.  If you're not then stop reading right now.

I learned something else cool recently.  Celine Dion claps by slapping her upper forearm. I don't know about you, but where I'm from (218 east main street) that's what you do when you're talking about something that is not appropriate for this blog.  I have to draw a line somewhere in the content spectrum, and that's my line.  Not at poops or liquid poops or farts or sharts.  At the sound a forearm slap makes.  most of you know what I'm saying here.  especially nick MG who doesn't read this blog.  Not cool Celine.  and iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeiiiiiiiii will always judge youuuuuuu for doing the SBC (infer the acronym) clap as your normal clap.  Cut that out.

One last thing before I go to bed.  Nurtigrain bars are way way way way way way way too small.  I need a XXXXL nurtrigrain bar stat.  I'm tired of these 140 cal limp sorry excuses for a snack.  You made such a tasty bar nutrigrain.  Now make me an America sized one.  I don't want to be unpeeling god knows how many loud packages to get to your oaty blueberry-y goodness.  Just one big package.  That's really what everybody wants.  One big package.  Do you see what I did there.  That was a pun.  But seriously I want a 8"x22" nutrigrain bar.  one that takes me like 20 minutes to eat. like 1200 calories worth of grainy nutriness.  get on it people.  this blog is meant to inspire.  now do something that I say for once.  By the way, fart tennis is the greatest game ever.  Recording farts on your phone is funny every time.  I'm sorry I ever doubted you andy.  You're a visionary.

I'm an uncle soon
gonna tell stories that mom
wouldn't approve of

they call me the renegade uncle.  even though I'll be a doctor.  I like to think of myself as someone who isn't such a narrow path white person, so just bear with me here.  I realize my self image is incompatible with reality, just give me like 7 more months with my irrational  sense of self before I settle in to normal white person stuff,

did you miss me?

This is gonna be another short post since I need to get some sleep.  Busy weekend with dear old dad in town.  Plenty of golf and good food.  Can always count on that when dad visits.  for the win.

I had a question today that needs answering?  When were cookies invented?  In high school for a couple months they called me the cookie monster.  I really do want to know how and when cookies were invented, so somebody figure that out.

Somebody from Lithuania found my blog recently.  Like within the past 24 hours recently.  Their search to find me?  "my shit is gokld." As is your search Lithuanian man.  And as are you.  I think gold poops would be pretty exciting.  What is that guy eating though?  Do you think he really has gold poop?  What reaction in your body would give you gold poops without you eating something like gold food coloring?  Has anyone ever heard of someone having a gold poop?  Or do you think this guy is like an aspiring eastern european rapper who was trying to google a lyric or something?  That seems like the most plausible explanation.  Here is my favorite poop related rap lyric of all time.  I hope some of you have heard it before.  I know Matty Fresh has.  Its message is just so clear and its imagery so fresh.  Such a good pun.  and what is hip hop without puns?

Hip hop without puns is not good.

Got my first bow tie today.  No idea how to tie it yet.  I can't wait to learn though, because when I get to clinic I'm gonna have diarrhea clinic attire.  It doesn't work as well in this context.  Bow tie tuesdays will go into effect in T-minus 11 months.  My bow tie collection is gonna flourish.  I want plaid ones and ones with animals on them and everything.  I'm gonna kill it so hard.  they call me Winston Churchill.  I don't know why I always think of that clip when I think churchill, but I always do.  Maybe I should learn more about history.  Churchill punched Hitler in the face or something right?  I don't know, we're all doomed because I don't know anything about historical figures or trends in civilization.

Alright time to go to bed.  Here's your haiku, because it feels like I haven't written one in a bit.

I'm winston churchill.
saving the world from hitler
for posterity

It's always for posterity.

world's greatest blogger

real fast mini post before I go to soccer:

Have i mentioned how much i love hummus?  I'm on a freakin yuge hummus kick right now.  Can't get enough.  I think it's helping my farts though.  I have so many little quiet ones I'm getting frustrated.  I ended up beating Tim in our first game, albeit somewhat shamefully.  We went to 3 deuces, which is a way funnier word when applied to fart tennis than to actual tennis.  Sounds like a shart competition.  Which is something that needs to happen.  But it was ad Tim and I had 3 pretty quick kinda weak farts, at least compared to the previous standard set.  It was like I had a couple shots bounce off the net and just drop in.  I swear they were funnier in real life than via text.  Mostly because I almost piddled on all of them.  I'm putting so much effort into this game it's not even funny.  Except for the fact that it's actually really funny.  I'm telling everyone I think I'm good enough friends with about this game, and occasionally someone who I'm definitely not.  Sorry John in ASP, I know we really just met but you seemed cool so I just came on out with it.  It was funny though right?  Oh you don't read this?  Ok that's cool, I guess I'll just keep pretending like you do.

You know what the best part about this blog is?  That I can write about people that I kind of know, and then when and if (really just if) we become real friends they can go back and read about how I wrote about them behind their back on the internet when we really didn't know each other in a place that anyone can see (and honestly should see) and will last forever.  I'm second guessing myself on John's name.  I think it's John, but maybe I'm wrong.  Sorry guy who went to the Q with us last night who I'm pretty sure is named John.  I don't do well with names, and we're not facebook friends so I haven't stalked you thoroughly enough to remember anything about you.  I've never been a good auditory learner, which is why social media is so nice for me.  You can essentially study people and I don't really have to listen to what they say because I can just read about it later, which is also nice because I don't have great hearing.  And I mumble.  I'm a great communicator.  But the opposite.

I feel a fart coming on.  Hopefully after my 2 indoor games tonight I get a real big one to make up for my semi-cheap shots this afternoon.  But really I'm not sorry because all is fair in farts and war, and that's doubly true for fart wars.

shwewsh

thank you sherugo

Fart tennis is the best game I have ever played.  Off the top of my head I can't think of something funnier than recording farts and sending them to your friends who are in, say, a Barnes & Noble for example, and having my farts played out loud a thousand miles away for people shopping for books and also get points for doing it.  As you may have guessed, Tim and I started playing today and I'm winning our first game 15-30  (He served first). Still plenty of time for game changers.  Tim you will be happy to know that I held the first one in for about 40 minutes until I could get home so I could record my fart.  And by 40 minutes I mean probably closer to an hour and a half because I started feeling farts coming on in the beginning of the 2nd half of my game today.  The second one came about 5 minutes later right before I got in the shower.  I can't get enough of this game.  I just want more all the time.  I'm like a crack fiend for this game.  I'm going to base my whole diet on fart generation.  Just cheese, beans, and hot dogs from here on out.  And I'm never chewing again. Massive boluses make massive farts.  Strategy people.  Real life mode.

I think the only thing I miss about video games is playing real life mode.  For those of you who don't know real life mode originated when cameron started hitting us with pillows when we crashed or died in whatever video game we were playing at the time (smash bros, nascar, or mariokart I think were the first 3).  The best part about real life mode is that you don't have a choice.  If someone decided you're playing real life mode, you were playing real life mode and you had better like it.  Obviously, we took real life mode and turned it into something we would just yell at each other and eventually it had no real meaning just like everything else.  like this blog for example.  you are going to read the rest of this post.  it's real life mode, you don't have a choice.  READ IT

That reminds me of another story.  Time for another installment of "one time I made a friend doing this."

One time freshman year I was playing some video game with Zisk.  I think it was NCAA football, or maybe it was shit game. I don't remember.  I had to fart, so I leaned over to the side and let it go.  However, I had one of those farts where your butt isn't sure yet, and it lets it go in little fragments instead of one whole fart.  Fortunately for me, it came out in 3 different pitches.  Low to high, trumpet style.  It was from that moment, Zisk would tell me later, that he knew we would be friends.  And that is how I made a friend doing that.

I had a test today.  It went pretty well.

It's been forever since I got to skate.  I can feel the urge.  Again, like a crack fiend.  Clearly I am just a drug addict.  What will my parents think.  Today I got tripped in my soccer game pretty good.  Like a full on foot kick.  I fell down and I just laughed out loud for like 10 seconds.  Nobody else laughed, as usual.  I think that's a sign that I need to skate real bad for some reason.  I don't really know why, but I'm pretty sure it's a sign.

Why does everybody think that every bearded figure that appears is Jesus?  Hey bro, maybe it's Grizzly Adams.  Contrary to popular belief, he did have a beard.  Doesn't that seem kind of desperate?  Not that people think they see Jesus in the toast, but that they never think it's someone else.  Maybe desperate isn't the right word.  Although I have to admit, if I was jesus I would put my face on all sort of weird stuff.  like pee stains from drunk people who pee the bed, or I would make animals that look just like me.  I wanna see a cow with a spot that looks like Jesus, or a bear that has a birthmark on its face that looks like jesus.  Jesus face on a face.  That bear would be dead so fast.  People would kill the crap out of that bear.  I want that bear's face above my fireplace.  I think that's the real way you get to heaven.  Collect Jesus face tokens.  It's like tickets at Chuck-e-cheese.  Those have Chuck E's face on em, and they get you cool stuff there.  It only makes sense people.  I just got you all into heaven, and you won't even read my blog every day.  Thanks guys.  Real nice. 

Time for $3 pitchers.  And hopefully more fart tennis points.  I'm saving farts up right now so I get a good audible one.  I've never strategized so much about farts in my whole life.  Thanks Matt.

fart into my phone
so I can beat Tim at this
poop gets on my face

now THAT was a haiku

something about yoda and also underwear I guess.

welcome back to the latest episode of nonsense with Drew.  I'm in a great mood today.  Don't know why.  For whatever reason I just felt good all day.  I did do a lot of sweating while sitting down today, but not because it was hot out.  I think I'm going back into nervous giddy teenager mode.  I can't wait to get overly oily and have voice cracks every 10 words.  I'll just have to start wearing polyester shirts or flannel shirts so that nobody can tell how sweaty I am.  It is almost getting cold out, so I can start wearing flannel again.  I love flannel.  Really I just like plaid. And it makes me feel like a man.  I kinda can't wait till I'm 40 so I can say that super often.  Any time somebody second guesses me I'll just pull that one out.  Hey at this point I'm closer to 40 than I am to being born, so I guess you round up at this point right?  I'm 40 now.  Wow, I'm really unaccomplished for a 40 year old.  I gotta start having kids or something right now.  Who wants to have my babies?  Alicia? You're 40 too by my logic.  Biological clock is almost ticked out.  Your chance of having a baby with major birth defects is increasing by the day, I think it's time we started breeding.  Your move.

That was pretty bold.  I like my chances.

Does anybody else get way more farts when you work out?  My farts can sense when I'm exercising or something, because they get all antsy and want to start moving fast themselves.  They just sprint from my splenic flexure down my descending colon and rip through the curved glory of my sigmoid colon and juke my anal sphincters out of their minds.  They're like Barry Sanders or something.  They have Marshall Faulk's step back move, just making my lower GI look silly.  This is a terrible analogy.  I have a question.  How far do you guys usually follow me into these analogies before you're like OK Drew that's enough we get it your farts have great lateral movement?  I really have no idea because it's not like I'm sitting there with you reading this crap, so I'm curious when you just check out and decide that I'm a retard.  Another question:  How many of you read that "ruh-TARD" and how many of you read it "REE-tard"?  Has the Hangover really infiltrated our lives enough so that people actually have internal monologues with grossly mispronounced mildly offensive insults?  Only you know for sure.  Be honest with yourself, because God knows I'm not being honest with you.  All lies here.  Except that thing earlier about you, Alicia.  That was a serious offer.  Facebook inbox me or something.  I'll be waiting.

I learned my internet creepiness from Tim.  Tim is the Yoda of those kinds of comments.  I carried Tim on my back through parties and hit on girls as he hit me on the head with a stick and stuff.  That routine really didn't work for us.  Mostly because me and Tim are about the same size, so the whole Yoda thing wasn't successfully conveyed.  Also we were just wearing bathrobes, so that made it kinda weird too.  Tim chose to not wear underwear.  It was ok though, I wore 2 pairs, so it averaged out.

The world record for most pairs of underwear worn at once is 215.  Well done Jack.  You may only be 11 right now, but this is gonna do something for you in the future.  Probably something negative, but that's ok.  It's still something.  I'm gonna be this kid for halloween but wear 216 instead.  Suck it Jack.  Instant publicity for my future clinic.  People are gonna want to be treated by the lots of underwear guy.  I'm only doing Basic.  Also 2 sentences ago I was gonna write "people are gonna wanna be...."  but I decided that made me sound to stupid.  More stupid than my fart:Barry Sanders analogy.  If that analogy was on the GRE, what do you think the answer would be?  fart:Barry Sanders::Body odor:PeeWee Herman.  I need to start writing for the GRE.  clearly they are missing out by not having me on their staff.  let's go GRE, I'll shake up your company from the ground up.  Change you can believe in and has a 50% chance of happening.  Lowey 2011.  Yes We Can, under certain circumstances which may or may not exist.  Campaign slogan for the ages.  Political joke!

Alright time to unleash.  I'm sure you want to know what I will be unleashing, but you don't get to find out.  Premium members only, and that will cost you.  How much?  What's your best offer?  I'm being vague because that makes it more intriguing.  I'm a master salesman.  GIVE ME MONEY FOR STUFF

no haiku for you
really, I'm not writing one
for real.  there's no way.

See what I did there?  I must be the smartest person of all time.

check this bad larry out

hi there.  face here!  Feels like forever since I wrote a post even though it was only like 2 days ago.  I have so much to say!  Get ready because you're in for a good one.  I think.

Today I was in class and I thought of a good idea.  It's called "fart tennis."  Really that is matt's game that I will be talking about later.  My idea is to imagine all of my professors as cartoons.  But not cute cartoons, like the awkward kind of gross Ren and Stimpy close-ups.  Don't do meth kids.  I was sitting back with my eyes closed moderately close to being asleep and I just started seeing my boy Iggy say "riiiiiiiiiiight?" but zoomed in really close to his eye and you could see all the capillaries and minor defects and stuff.  I wish I could say that this awesome idea helped class go faster.  My wish came true.  It did.  Suck it people who say if you say your wish out loud it won't come true.  It's called goal setting, and it's important to verbalize.  Also I saw my boy Christy jiggle his head as he said "hello?" and it went all slow motion and you could see the hairs he missed shaving that morning and all his minor skin flaws and stuff.  Super zoomed in and slow-mo.  Have you ever seen fat move in slow motion?  Now you have.  Kinda gross, but at the same time pretty funny?  Like girls farting?  Matt you are getting all sorts of shoutouts today.  You killed the text game super hard today.

OK thing 2 I want to talk about.  So I had a pretty lame weekend, and I was real stressed out the whole time.  But that's not important.  What IS important, however, is how I had an emo movie montage happen to me in real life on sunday night.  So I went for a run at like 7:45 or so, and like a mile or so in I passed this brazilian restaurant, and they were playing "love stinks"!  So obviously I started laughing really hard, and I was singing it to myself the whole rest of the run as I saw couples out walking their dogs, people riding bikes together, people talking and laughing outside at the gas station.  All on a sunday night at like 8:00pm and it was breath-seeing cold outside.  Come on people, go back inside.  It was like a real life chick flick where I'm, like, Adam Sandler, and I just found out the girl I love is actually a golden retreiver or something  (if you're reading this on a phone with no flash player, I'm sorry because that last line will make no sense unless you are really familiar with the awesome-o episode from south park).  When I got back from my run I felt like a thousand times better, and I'm pretty sure it was because I had a montage.  Sometimes you just need a montage.  But seriously I'm depressed.

Tim to go to my phone to see what other funny stuff I meant to write about.  Ah yes.  I had a sneeze fart today, aka a snart.  It was perfectly executed.  Right in the middle of class, and my sneeze was just loud enough to cover my fart sound, but not so loud that if you happened to be listening for a fart you would have missed it.  Who would be listening for a fart in the middle of the day in my classroom you ask?  No one.  And that's why I'm ronery.  So ronery.  So ronery and sadry arone.  I know I've already posted this video and it's my second team america video in this post, but it's just so relevant and funny every time.  Do you think Kim Jong Il ever saw that movie?  Or do you think everybody tried reary hard to make sure he didn't see it so he didn't just start kirring peopr?  Asian L/R mix-ups--always funny too.

I was watching the season premier of Dexter today (which you need to start watching if you haven't yet) and I there was a close up of a snake.  This snake was probably the smartest thing I have ever seen in my whole life.  Scratch that, this was on Breaking Bad.  Also an awesome show.  But nonetheless, this snake was killing it.  He was coiled up and using his own tail as a headrest.  Let me repeat that.  HE WAS USING HIS OWN TAIL AS A HEADREST.  Do you know how many innocent people I would kill to have a built in head rest?  0.  I don't think I have cold-blooded murder in me.  But I really want one.  It you would be able to sleep standing up.  That's all I think I need to say here.  Can any of you sleep standing up?  Because when I get my anatomical headrest/full body kickstand I will be able to.  I want a stand like cardboard cutout people have.  A right triangle coming out from my back, but I would be able to stow it away like how vacuum cords retract.  give it a little tug and watch it shot back in.  Ya dig.

So back to fart tennis.  This game is an innovation unlike anything I have ever seen.  And I have yet to see it in action.  The way you play is that whenever you fart so that your opponent can hear it, you win a point.  Scoring is like tennis.  15, 30, 40, deuce, etc.  Matt says they usually play one set, but I imagine that could take days without dietary intervention.  I have challenged Tim to a game via voice text.  Only the voice I will be using is in my butt.  Same premise, air passing quickly through a small space and cause vibration to create sound, just with gas from my GI instead of my lungs.  I can't wait to save in farts for a whole class so I can go outside and record my fart.  And by go outside I mean stay at my seat and tell all my friends (I have no friends) that I'm playing fart tennis.  And after they yada yada yada me they will be intrigued and then I will make friends and then maybe I'll be able to get of this giant void in my life.  Really I have issues and I need some intervention here.  This is a cry for help.

Also in my phone I have written down "you don't want to get AIDS."  I don't really know what the context to that was, but I think it speaks for itself.

Your boy Raichu stopped by today and he dropped off this haiku for all of you.

you don't want the AIDS
but you know what you do want?
fart tennis with me

I'm gonna start eating so many beans.  It's getting cold out at night, so I can justify eating hot dog and baked beans again.  I love that stuff so much.  Some bread and butter on the side.  Maybe some hummus?  I've eaten 2 tubs of hummus in the past 2 days.

They call me the chickpea monster (see what I did there?)

glorious morning

why do I ever even bother getting out of bed?  so far I've been awake for 3 hours and the worst part of my day has been breakfast when I ate chocolate chip pancakes because I had to get out of bed.  I need a super bed/kitchen hybrid.  But one that defies gravity so I can cook on a vertical axis while I lay on a horizontal one.  I want to a stove and countertop that I can slide in and out of my wall that has a horizontal gravity vector.  That way I can cut stuff and cook right in front of my face as I lay down and not have to worry about stuff falling onto my bed.  If I was a superhero I think that would be my power.  Spontaneous gravity direction changes.  How cool would it be if you could just make people freefall along the ground instead of towards it?  It would be like that backstreet boys or nsync music video where they're in that rotating room and they're like standing on the roof and on walls and stuff.  This one.  But instead of being a boy band video it would be real life.  I want to be able to just make people fall in strange directions.  Can you imagine changing gravity like 10 degrees and watch everybody walking it some strange semi vertical orientation?  That would be a good idea for the SIMS games or rollercoaster tycoon if they still make those.  Slight gravity alteration mode. everybody would slide to one part of the screen.  Do you think they have rooms like that in real life?  Like how they have anti-gravity rooms for NASA.  They have those right?  I need to know.  Someone help me.  Please god someone help me! AAAAAAHHHHHHH eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I went back and read yesterday's post because I was curious what goes through tired Drew's head.  That is one scary place.  Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I was way stupider, and I think that's what it's like.  The scary part is that you can't even tell when you're stupid because it's all still stream of consciousness anyway.  It's impossible to know that you are stupid until after you've already been stupid.  I think I just blew my own mind.  I would also like to point out that when you free the dragonfly from the spider's web, you may have saved the dragonfly but you have condemned the spider.  The best part about that last sentence is that even if you weren't there to know what I'm talking about, you still probably understand what is going on as well or even better than I do.  Let me guess.  You're confused right........NOW.  right NOW.  NOW.

I would like to start a new segment today that will probably go no further than today, but there is a chance that it might.  This segment is called "I made friends with someone once by doing this."

Today on "I made friends with someone once by doing this,"  I would like to tell the story about how I became friends with Jeff Todef.  We were packing up the boats for a race in Philly, and they wanted us to take all the seats off so they didn't bounce around.  I couldn't figure it out, so I started hitting the seat and making monkey sounds.  One person laughed.  It was Jeff. We were now friends.  Then.  We were now then friends.  Then we became friends.  At that moment.  At that moment we were then friends.  I don't understand the tense organization to that statement.  Grammar is overrated, except for on comment sections on CNN.com articles.

So far today I have not sweated sitting down.

The new iphone will be announced in 3 days.  That means I will be getting a new phone in a matter of a couple weeks.  Start the countdown for total blog domination.  Blogination.  They will henceforth call me the bloginator.

I'm pretty sure I'm stupid now.  My idiocy is becoming self-aware.  Get ready for a terminator-type rise of the stupidity.  Terminator 5:  The Bloginator.  No one's intelligence is safe

at concert last night
almost fell asleep standing
almost means I did

German haiku me Tim!  I need to have comments on these or my self esteem takes a hit.  They call me emotionally-dependent-on-my-internet-social-life Drew