2 very important things.

I have something to talk about today.  This will be a purpose driven blog.  TM.  Today I shaved.  Really it was like 10 minutes ago.  Maybe 12.  And my razor was dull.  Bru. Tal.  If I could give one piece of advice to mankind, it would be this:  Do not shave against the grain with a dull razor.  Talk about a first world problem.  My face now feels somewhat windburned, and even though I kind of like that feeling I do not appreciate the minor pain that I had to endure in order to achieve an attractively smooth face.  I mean, if they're going to call me smooth face I'm gonna need to have a smooth face and I can't be putting up with all kinds of dull razors and hair tug in order to get there.  Now I'm gonna have to go all the way to the third shelf in the same cabinet that my razor is in and do that cool reload thing where I stick my "razor handle" into the "new blade slot" so I can have a "refreshing shave."  That innuendo really fell apart at the end.  Someone comment me a good pun that makes it sound like shaving my face is intercourse.  I dont know if you've been able to tell but I've been really fishing for comments this past week and only Tim and Matt have come through for me.  Come on other 8 (7?) followers.  Step your game up.  I'm blogging again and it's been a whole 3 days and nobody has noticed?  I can't believe you're all being so selfish.

The other thing I would like to talk about today is peeing.  But a very specific aspect to peeing.  So I peed this morning, and then I washed my hands in warm water, and I immediately had to pee again.  Come on bladder.  You're that sensitive to the hand in warm water thing?  That's so 1985.  AKA 4 years before I was born.  That stopped being cool when I was still a primary oocyte and you still want to get tricked by it?  Of course, I didn't bother peeing again, but do you think I actually could have peed again?  Tim don't answer this one because you witnessed my miracle pee so you're biased.

I am getting really distracted by this hummus right now.  Jalapeno cilantro hummus, are you kidding me right now?  Not only are you unbelievably tasty, you do not exist according to google images.  Even on your website there is no picture of you, only a nutrition facts label.  Talk about arrogant.  "I'm so good that I don't even have to show myself.  People will search me out at their local dierbergs in the produce section between the premade salads in a bag and the bell peppers right underneath the guacamole without even seeing what I look like."  Well you know what jalapeno cilantro hummus?  I don't like you, but dammit I respect you.  And I also really like you.  How did I even consider living my life before hummus?  The older I get, the more I question my existence as a child and adolescent.  Are you serious young Drew?  No hummus, no stuffing, NO GRAVY? NO GRAVY REALLY?  I mean come on Drew.  I refuse to let my children make the same mistakes I have made.  Oh you don't like the hummus kids?  Well TOO BAD I'm not letting you have a hummus-less childhood.  Now while you're at it develop a better work ethic than I have so you can save America, because God knows I'm not smart enough to do it.  STOP CRYING!  Use your words to communicate why you're upset so that you can work out your problems logically.  Oh you're upset because I'm a terrible father and I'm force feeding you hummus?  Well then.  You're grounded.

Ok well I told myself I would study tonight so I guess I'll get a jump on that.  Or maybe I'll just move hummusfest '11 to my bed and watch house until I fall asleep.  Either way, here is your haiku so that you don't run into the mean streets of New York and get hit by a taxi or something.  Matt knows.  Oh by the way Matt I checked boltbus and their schedule isn't up for the dates we would be going to Delaware yet. By the way guys, only one response to the beach plan for new years?  I need head counts.  now.  People in Missouri can disregard this, unless you're planning on stalking me to Rehoboth, DE for new years.  POLAR BEAR PLUNGE TO THE FACE

hummus in my face
hummus inside of my cheeks
hummus on my butt

Ha.  Butt.

it's cold out now

So I think it's officially winter now.  It's not like super freezing or anything, but it's definitely not warm anymore at any point.  I need to bring gloves back with me.  You know how when you're a kid you never wanna wear any warm clothes because you think it's lame?  Oh that was just me?  Ok, well I have officially grown out of that phase.  I'm tired of cold fingers.  I need warm hands.  Why is my butt always so warm and my fingers so cold.  "Actually Drew it's because of blood circulation and your body's tendency to keep warmth centralized when it gets cold to save your organs and" SHUT UP I KNOW WHY.  Can't a guy complain rhetorically without getting an inner monologue lecture?  I get it, finals are coming up and you wanna do well.  Speaking of finals, I found out today that I have a practical exam tomorrow.  Good thing I'm super smart because I'm gonna smoke show this exam.  And all the rest of my exams with the exception of probably pathology and fund dx.  Let's face it, my knowledge of blood disorders is not going to make or break me in clinic.  Let's play a little game called "How Drew is going to handle patients that ask questions about their blood disorder."  Here we go:

"Hey Dr. Drew, is there anything I should be doing in particular about my ________?"
"You know what patient?  I don't know about that disease but I would be happy to read up on it and get back to you next time you come in.  If there's something I can't answer, I can always refer you to someone who can."
"Ok thanks Dr. Drew you're so smart and good looking and I wish I was you!"
"Everyone does patient.  Everyone does."

Boom disaster averted and I don't have to ever learn pathology.

So I've been thinking about moving when my lease is up here and I decided to look in the best of places: Craigslist.  I can't wait to live in a craigslist house.  I want it to be like a reality TV show.  Honestly I've had such good luck with my current roommate that I really want something to go terribly wrong in this next living situation so that 1) I can blog about it and it will be funny and 2) I can go Joe Kleiman all over them and  say "wait what?" all the time.  Shoutout to Jeff Kinney and Finberg if you still read this for being the only ones to get that reference.  Also shoutout to Joe Kleiman for being a boss.  Hopefully you google yourself and find this blog and remember me from 2007 freshman heavyweights.  Sorry for quitting.  But not that sorry.

But anyway more about craigslist.  All the deals look so good but I don't trust any of them.  Here is why I don't trust things on craigslist.  Because they have a whole section of their website for people to give shoutouts to someone that gave them a boner.  You cant trust a place like that.  Imagine the conjugate real life place to that website.  Just people wandering around in a room saying things out loud like "You were my cashier at walmart and you had the cutest gold tooth.  I think I could really satisfy you.  Tell me what brand of hot dog I bought if you've been thinking of me too."  The worst part about that is that it wouldn't even be that weird of a missed connection.  I'm gonna click 3 and copy and paste the weirdest one.  Here goes. Aaaaaaand it only took one.

"You was working and just got scared by a squirrel in the dumpster lol I guess you caught me checking you out and told me your squirrel story lol I just wanted tell you that your a little hottie! If you remember me and want to hook up let me know!"


This is unacceptable.  You can't trust the internet, people.  With or without the comma.  Definitely don't trust internet people.  If someone tells you they are an internet person, run away.  This paragraph didnt really make sense except to me.  I think that's the case more often than I realize.


You know how else I know it's winter?  I'm getting really lazy for no reason.  I got out of school early today and had all the time in the world to go skate.  Instead?  Ate chips and salsa, watched internet TV and started on this blog.  And also I'm gonna make some ringtones.  Because I can.  The cold makes you do crazy things.  The more I think about it, the more I am realizing that I'm gonna have to build my own house.  Because I want weird things in there.  I'm gonna need a basement with tall ceilings and a urinal, unnecessary doors, a hammock floor, I want a slide, all this weird stuff.  I'm not gonna have any money for kids.  Sorry kids, but your needs come after my desire for a super awesome house.  Your dad is somewhat out of his mind, but it's OK because you'll never have to walk down stairs in your house because you'll have a slide.  Good trade.

Busenitz Hammock Floor

Sorry for the shameless Berrics plug but it's the only place I've ever seen a picture of Busenitz's hammock floor to the upstairs of his house.  I'm gonna add a caption so next time anybody googles busenitz hammock it comes right here.  It's all about strategy here guys.  Let's make my blog blow up so I can get rich off it and stop talking to all of you.  Here's your haiku


It's real cold outside
but my farts warm up my butt
but not for that long

How am I the least busy with finals coming up?  Someone explain this anomaly to me.

TWO DAYS IN A ROW

Just so we're clear, this is three blogs in two days.  I'm in full on procrastination mode.  Straight college mode.  I think my brain is only capable of focusing while seated for like 2 hours a day.  And those 2 hours have to be in like 15 minute increments.  Lecture was not invented with smartphones in mind.  My god reddit, why must you be so much more interesting and witty than my professors?  Well I guess here I go again.  On my own.  Writing on the only blog I've ever known.  Just remembered that my computer doesnt do the 2 space period shortcut or autocorrect words into the proper contraction.  Expect very few contractions to be spelled correctly.

So i went to ref today like I usually do on Monday nights, only to get there and realize it was too wet to play.  So that kinda sucked.  Then I went to Walmart.  I came to the conclusion that there are 3 groups of people at walmart: the broke, the fat, and the ironic.  Often there are overlap between two groups, but almost never three.  You can have fat and broke, ironic and fat, etc.  This is based on nothing really, but we all know that it's fun to group people into narrow categories and make rules.  Structure is necessary even in comedy people.  Otherwise you end up with that weird video that Gabe gives Erin in the office to play at the halloween party that is really disturbing that she eventually turns off and tries to play that penis card game.  Don't know what I'm talking about?  Well then that last sentence should be even funnier to you because penis card game is way funnier out of context than in any context.  By the way, how nervous are/were you about clicking the penis card game link?  If you havent yet, turn you volume all the way up especially if you're in a place where pornography is frowned upon.  If you have, you'll know that I was bluffing in that last sentence.  

Do you sometimes wish that when I start on a topic like that Walmart groups thing above that I would actually finish the paragraph on that topic?  Too bad because this is my blog and I do what I want.  You know what the worst part about holiday weeks is?  No new TV episodes.  The only show to come through?  Dexter.  Given it's on a sunday so it isn't affected per se by thanksgiving travel or anything like that.  By the way, Dexter keeps killing it real hard this season.  So many twists, turns, and the like.  If you're not watching Dexter this season, do yourself a favor and catch up on all the episodes, especially if you have 9 hours or so to kill.  Really it'll end up being closer to about 450 minutes, which is about 7.5 hours because the episodes are 50 minutes long (give or take) and if you watch them online there's no wait time between episodes.  So in one average work day, you could easily fit in the whole season (thus far) of Dexter.  And given that most (read "all") of my readers are in school of some sort (read "non-med school health field grad school"), that means you're probably going into finals soon and you're really gonna want to waste all the time you can because, let's face it, winging it on tests is way more fun than actually studying and learning the material.  It's all about the thrill.  Some people go skydiving or have sex in public, or have sex while skydiving.  I take tests that I'm completely unprepared for.  Basically the same thing.  By the way, skydiving sex?  Bold move.

Well Chrstmas is coming up and that means one thing for Drew--buying something silly for Aaron and Toby.  Best Saturnalia tradition ever.  For those of you who don't know the tradition, we essentially just try to buy each other the stupidest things we can find for christmas.  Like last year I got Aaron like 200 chinese finger traps and Toby got like 700 temporary tattoos.  So something like that.  This paragraph is essentially just gonna be brainstorming for my christmas presents.  Letting the creative juices flow.  Just so we're clear, the creative juices are also known as creativity stimulating fluid and are produced by the choroid plexus in the brain ventricles (science joke).  First thought- Macaulay Culkin fathead.  Either in classic Home Alone scream pose or current creepy coked out version.  Whichever one, I just want the head.  That would be pretty awesome.  And it has to be like 3 feet tall.  Maybe I should just get one of them for Aaron and the other for Toby.  Just found out you can make custom fatheads.  But they cost 70 bucks at the cheapest.  I can't wait to be rich and just squander money on silly things like Macaulay Culkin fatheads.  If my future wife isn't into strange things on our walls she will be in for a rude awakening.  I'm honestly drawing blanks here for plausible christmas presents.  I'll have to discuss it with a few of my most trusted colleagues.  Alex and Wes, prepare to help me with present ideas.  Grad school is somewhat less conducive to creativity than undergrad was.  When all you do is hang out with your friends all day and play video games and stuff, some wild stuff gets thrown around.  By the way guys, I really want to play super smashed bros during our new years reunion.  Do any of you have N64?  Because if not, we may have a problem.  I mean we could always play a day long harry potter drinking game.  I have made no progress on the christmas present front.

Well I have nothing else to say now.  I think it's time to watch some more internet TV and continue to waste my life.  Maybe eat some clementines or something.  By the way, this cereal is super good.  I'm sure it's not good for you at all, but it tastes so right.  Things really should just always taste like blueberry muffin.  Blog.  Out.

something real fast

Today I learned something that I feel is very important.  If any of you follow the NFL even loosely, you know that there is a wide receiver named Anquan Boldin.  The Patriots now have a cornerback named Antwaun Molden.  This has to be some sort of ploy by Roger Goddell to confuse me right?  I mean, these two have to instantly be mortal enemies dont they?  It would be like if there was a new NFL owner named Shmerry Shmones, or if all of a sudden there was some genius paralyzed physicist named Stephen (pronounced STEFF-in) Dawkins.  If the patriots play the Ravens in the playoffs and these two face off against each other, I demand a giant picture of it signed by both players.  Can you imagine John Madden trying to recap a play with these two?  I'm not even gonna write it out because if I do then it will be like your favorite book being made into a movie, but like one step before that when you have an awesome idea and then try to make it out of stuff in your garage and it just doesn't live up to your expectations.  Come up with your own bumbling John Madden monologue in which he eventually Lee Corso's it and says "fuck it" on live TV.  I would literally spend every dollar I have to get a signed picture of Molden and Boldin jumping side by side with both of them having their hands on the ball and somehow they're both turned in a manner that their backs face the camera.  So $45 dollars.  Boom, poor joke.  But seriously.  NFL.  Get this to happen.  And also get Molden to tackle Boldin for a safety that wins a game 2-0.  If that happened I would be able to die happy.  I might stop watching football all together because nothing else could live up to the glory of that moment.  It would be like if Rudy caught a touchdown pass to win a game that also somehow saved America from terrorists and freed all the bald eagles that were in a cage and also saved a bunch of babies from drowning and it brought about world peace and cured AIDS and put up a bunch of McDonalds in Africa that only served healthy food and it was free and it then prompted Jesus to come down and was like hey guys good job figuring this stuff out now everybody gets to go to heaven and the devil just exploded from all the awesomeness.  If all those things happened in like 4 second increments I think I would still pick the Molden Boldin safety game winner.  Alright this ended up not being that fast but this is just so cool and it has given me faith in sports again.  I think this moment kicked my sports apathy to the curb.  Hey guys! I care now!  Isn't that great!?  Sports are so cool!

Actually I just want the Molden Boldin thing to happen.  Come on that would be so cool.

Post thanksgiving celeblogtion

Well thanksgiving is now over and it's time to get back to real life. Finals time. Boy oh boy did this semester ever go fast. I'm feeling a little nostalgic and I might get teary eyed as I write this on the plane, so don't be surprised to see a few water stains throughout this blog. I did learn a few things over this mini break though. I will now list them off to you in the order in which I remember them

1) family gatherings are way funnier when you're just a little bit drunk the whole day.
2) I definitely need to live in the city after I get out of school because skating in the city is just so much better.
3) I think I need to move in with some people who don't go to school with me because I hate talking about nothing but school.

That is all that I learned. I do have some exciting news too. In February I will be traveling to the great nation of Guatemala to chiropract some poor people with mom and dad. I'm pretty sure that's the correct verb. Chiropract. I'm sticking with it. They call me the word inventor for a reason.

While skating in Boston this weekend I stopped by Occupy Boston just so I could say that I did. I gotta say, their definition of 'occupy' is much different than mine own. I would call what thy are doing 'sleeping in makeshift tents in a contained half block.' If I was trying to occupy a place, I think I would try to spread out more. A for effort, F for execution. Interesting crowd in there too. Very Newton-y. Plenty of middle ages to old Jews and slightly overweight mixed race people. Not as hipster as I thought it would be. But that is all I have to say about that.

I was talking to someone last week about home alone, and I'm pretty sure it's a regular blog reader. I don't remember who exactly, but probably Wes. This person said that in the part where Kevin is beating down the wet bandits with all his booby traps, Marv takes a disproportionately large amount of the trauma. So, by happen chance (is that even a real phrase?) I watched home alone (on VHS mind you) this weekend and I took it upon myself to keep track of what happens to who in the McCallister household. I will now present to you my unbiased, double blind clinical trial entitled "Who Got Beat Down Worse?" Hopefully this will also become a staple in my blog because that's one he'll of a segment title. Here goes :

Pesci

Bb gun to nuts
Slip on stairs x3
Hot doorknob
Fire on head
Feathered/glue
Slip on cars
Paint can to face
Wire trip
Crowbar to stomach
Rope swing into house
Shovel to face

Marv

Bb gun to head
Slip down stairs x2
Crowbar to head
Iron to head
Step on nail
Step on glass ornaments
Slip on cars
Paint can to face
Spider on the face
Rope swing to house
Shovel face

I have yet to draw conclusions to this study yet, so this is just the raw data. Hopefully Slobodan can help me with the analysis. My first instinct is that Marv does get it worse, because pesci's only exceptions are fire in the head, burnt hand, and bb gun to nuts. Bb gun to nuts isnt so bad to me because he's got pants on. Naked bb gun to the junk and maybe were talking here. Plus the head fire was a big fat NBD because it had an accelerant to burn through before it got to his head and so he probably just felt a little warm. But Marv got a puncture wound on one foot and glass into both. You don't want plantar foot wounds. He also caught some serious blows to the head. But don't let me judge alone. You decide. In haiku form. Doityouwont.

More reddit all the time

Guys. I'm hooked on a new website and it is called reddit. Infinite lols. If you like Internet memes and would like to see all of them all the time, go to this website

http://www.reddit.com/r/adviceanimals

Usually I would just link that but iPhone doesn't allow that. But seriously. Reddit. Bookmark it. It's the front page of the Interwebs. And it's making me way more of a nerd. And it's making me fail every class. Worth it? Probably not. But will I continue? Most likely. Also by fail every class I do mean get the same grades as before.

WHO ELSE IS EXCITED ABOUT THANKSGIVING? I cant wait to get home. It's even supposed to be nice out in Westwood Massachusetts this weekend. Let me remind you that it is now late November. And the forecast says 63 and sunny. In new England. We got snow on Halloween. And by we I mean they because I live in Missouri now. Let me make an analogy for this weather.

63 and sunny:new England November::survival:getting hit directly by a hydrogen bomb. It doesn't happen. I have something to show ou all from reddit.

I'm sure you've all heard for the most part about those college kids at UC Davis getting pepper sprayed and probably have seen the video by now too. I'm not gonna talk about civil rights or police brutality or even bill oreilly and Megan Kelly talking about how pepper spray is essentially just a dinner spice because I'm sober. But I will show you this beautiful picture that someone photoshopped.


That's really funny every time and if you don't think so you can ggiiiitaaaaauuuttt. I hope that picture gets published in the right place or else this commentary is gonna be way more confusing than it needs to be. I'm trusting you here iPhone. Don't fail me now.

How do you think you would handle being a meme? I'm pretty sure I would handle it like a bowse. I would love to be a meme. Somebody make me into a meme. That would be such a good in for literally any situation. Any time I'm in a big group that thinks ice breakers are a good way to real the ice I would just bust that out. Hey drew tell us something interesting about yourself. Well, for the past 4 years I have been a popular Internet meme that has made me a nerd god. I get stopped on the street by fat gingers with stubby fingers that want me to take pictures with them. By the way, stubby fingers are not a good look. Get those fixed imaginary fat gingers.

Here's your haiku

I read all the memes
Warp into the cartoon world
I'm stuck forever

They call me Bobby's world.

I can't believe I forgot to blog this

Big news people--I finished another roll of toilet paper last week! It was exactly a week ago today. November 11th was the last day that I used the last roll of toilet paper. Time to do some calculations. Here we go.

So i finished my last roll on September 16th, and this most recent one on November 11th. This time I spent. I significant amount of time away from my apartment, so I don't have to make a correction for breaks. Thirty days hath September, so that's 14 days in September, plus the 31 in October, plus 11 in November. 14+31+11=56. My last calculation was 54 days for my last roll, which puts me right on target to needing to buy toilet paper in 55(8)=440 days, which will be in tri 8. I will be treating real life patients by the time I have to buy toilet paper. That feels right. I'll essentially be a doctor before I have to purchase paper poop remover.

I just finished my last exam before thanksgiving, which is major cause for celebration. I learned this week that the smell of pumpkin pie stimulates arousal in male humans. I'm not sure how I'm going to use this information yet, but I'm sure I'll think of something. After all this is the mind that brought you the Doppler counter train whistle. It is pretty freaking smart.

I'm sure by now you've all heard about that 84 year old woman who got pepper sprayed at the occupy some city. I usually don't write about political things because I have way more important things to write about (i.e., dictators, toilet paper rolls, pancakes). But this is something I feel I must comment on. But really I just have a question. Why is the stuff on her face all white? Is pepper spray white or is she just emitting that stuff from her face? I also really wonder what she was doing to get that much pepper spray. Really you can't underestimate grandma strength or mischievousness. I bet she was the most rowdy person around. Think about your own family for a second. Who is the most likely to mouth off to everybody else and just do whatever they want. GRANDMA. Grandma every time. Do I still feel bad for granny pepper face? Of course. Would I bet against her having done something crazy? Not in a million years. That's the whole point of being old. Everybody knows that. By the way I really hope granny pepper face catches on as a nickname. That's a good nickname. Trust me, I know nicknames.

Also I feel like I need to write about Tim tebow. He is by far the funniest athlete around to me and not because of anything he does. I love that everybody feels so strongly about him. I watched the jets broncos game last night with some people who LOVE tebow. Hilarious. The guy can do nothing wrong. Anything he does right is the greatest play ever and any bad play is due to lack of experience or crappy receivers. I can't even tell you how many times I heard "he's just a winner" last night. Also C woosh said "that was a great football play" last night and it made me lol.
Here is my ideal Tim tebow stat line:
2/6 passing for 16 yards, TD
16 rush for 56 yards
17-10 win, Denver wins on the final drive, tebow gets credit for final drive, shutdown defense, and kickoff return for TD that scored the other 7 points in the 3rd quarter. Also I love tebowing. It's just funny to watch him tebow all over the place. Pretty much any fad where people get in inappropriate poses in funny places is funny to me. Leisure diving, planking, tebowing. All pure gold. More tebow please.

Right now I am in class being taught how to take tests. Uh bro. I think I can take a test. Why do you think I got 2 A's in your class? How have I made it through 17 years of school? By learning stuff? Nah. It's called beating the system and I learned how I do that a long time ago. Get on my level Mr.PhD in physiology.

Alright that's all for now. Don't expect a blog till Sunday because I'm gonna be in the woods. November camping for the win. Here's your haiku

Sleeping in the woods
I want to avoid one thing
Poison ivy wipe

New awesome? Invention

I was sitting in class this morning and had an idea. Normally I would say it was a genius idea like I do for the rest of my ideas, but in reality I think this one would result in a lot of deaths. What is my idea, you ask? A train whistle that changes pitch to counter the Doppler effect. I really want one for my future personal railroad system. There would be a computer or something that measures the speed of the train and calculates the necessary rate of change in frequency necessary to make somebody standing at the crossing just hear one whistle pitch. What would be the purpose of this whistle? To make learned people of science like me hear trains and say, "oh they must have a Doppler counter whistle. That is really cool" and also to make sure that normal people are really confused and increase their likelihood to get hit by trains. Trains are dangerous people. Consider yourself warned.

Welp, that's all I have for now. Afternoon blog--complete.

Keith Hernandez

I feel like makin blogs

Well everybody, it looks like my busy part of the semester is winding down.  I mean, I do have a quiz thursday and a test friday, and finals start in like 2 and a half weeks, but I'm gonna go with it's over.  I'm in full on Thanksgiving mode.  You know how I can tell it's almost winter time?  Because I've completely stopped exercising.  Pretty soon I'll put on like 8 pounds and start to feel really bad about myself but not do anything about it till the spring because it's too dark out in the afternoon to actually go outside, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna start lifting and using the treadmill like a normal person.  It's 4:50 right now and it's getting dark.  Time for some mild seasonal depression to kick in.  I can't wait to be upset for the next 4 months.  On another note it's like 65 degrees out right now.  The date is November 15th.  Oh word? 

Midwest winter sucks.  All the cold, minimal snow, and no mountains.  I can feel the hatred boiling up in my stomach for the midwest.  If you like hills, hate sidewalks, and love driving on highways, this is the place for you!  I'm so glad I started writing this blog so I can get all worked up for no reason.  It's ok Drew, only 8 more days till you get to go home and have Thanksgiving weekend.  It's gonna be fine.  Plus, you're really good looking and you're gonna stay young forever, so that's pretty cool too.

I managed to get an Incomplete as a midterm grade this semester.  I didn't even know that was a possibility.  I think it's week 11 of the semester and I just took my first pathology test that counts towards my grade today.  That's cool I guess.  Speaking of things that are borderline impossible, let me tell you about a goal that was scored in the league I ref last night.  A guy took a shot from about 12 yards wide of the near post and maybe 4 yards from the goal line.  He hit near post, and the ball still managed to go in side net at the far post without hitting anything else.  For those of you who don't understand what I just said, don't worry.  Because I've been thinking about it for about 20 hours now and I have no idea how it happened.  For all the pro athletes out there who like to thank God for being on their side during games, God hasn't even been watching your games.  He hasn't been in church, he hasn't guided wars, or sending knights on quests.  He has been planning this goal and only this goal since the beginning of man.  I'm honestly surprised the whole universe hasn't exploded yet.  Don't be surprised when you start seeing chunks of sky literally falling to the ground.  The whole atmosphere is going to solidify into little chunks and start falling onto your car, which by the way will soon be made entirely out of broccoli stalks.  God is done with the whole universe guiding thing.  He's had enough, I can feel it.  The end is nigh.

Last weekend most of my college friends were back at our great alma mater for homecoming.  I, unfortunately, could not attend, do to my responsibilities as an adult.  Also I was at the best seminar of my entire life, but I won't be writing about that on this site so that nobody looking for me and that technique in the future encounters this blog.  Patients people.  Professional school.  One of my friends, however, reminded me of my last homecoming experience.  Club sports party. 2009.  Shaq and I found, yes FOUND, a trumpet outside in someone's back yard.  We proceeded to play said trumpet all over the party.  And there was a mud wrestling circle.  It was AWESOME.  The only problem with me going back to homecoming at any point in the future is that I'm going to feel real real real old.  I don't know how my psyche is going to handle being back at college.  I did get back to school last spring, but even then I felt old and I was college aged.  What's gonna happen when I'm 24 and I go back and there's a bunch of 18 year old kids tailgating with me?  The last 18 year old I was at a party with was white doug, and we all know how that worked out?  Oh you mean you don't know because most of my blog readers weren't at chirogames 2010? Ok.  That's fair.  But really I'm legitimately nervous about going back to college at any point in the future.  Like half the people I hang out with are legitimate adults now.  I mean they don't necessarily act like it, but their faces are adult faces and we drink in public because we live in Missouri.  Yeah I still skateboard and stuff, but I'm an adult?  Cognitive dissonance.

11/11/11 happened recently.  Thank god I was not at college for that.  You know what I did on 11/11/11?  I learned stuff.  All day.  And I went to bed at like 10:30.  Real life mode.  My boy Zisk did send me a text about it at 11:11am, but for the most part I didn't even notice that it existed.  I remember my very first 11:11 wish.  It was sophomore year of college, and there were these 3 girls talking to Tim in my room.  I made my wish because they demanded I did so, and within 5 or 10 minutes they left, presumably because I was being a terrible host.  My wish came true!  That's how I knew for sure that I should only use this 11:11 power for good, so I have acted like I hate 11:11 ever since.  But in reality that night turned me into a super hero.  My super hero name you ask?  Eleven.  My costume you ask?  An adult onesy with two vertical stripes starting mid clavicle and running down to the feet.  Boom.  I just super heroed all of you.  I'm so creative.  And I'm also a super hero, so that helps.  I did wish for creativity one 11:11.  The only bad thing is that my abilities are only useful in non-urgent situations.  If you have a problem at like 6:00, you're gonna have to wait five hours and 11 minutes for some help.  Also I only get one wish per 11:11.  So if you decide to become my evil genius arch enemy, you should probably develop some sort of death machine that takes less than 12 hours, because at some point in that 12 hour period I'm gonna be able to wish my way out.  Or you could like hypnotize me or something so that I fall asleep every time the clock strikes 11:10 and I sleep for 2 minutes.  That would neutralize me big time.  I'm a pretty lame super hero.  But still a super hero. But I do get mocked at all the super secret superhero conferences at that marriot by the airport.   But at least I get to go.  But I did just divulge the secret location.  But they'll probably still let me go.  But they'll probably put me at the table with the BO Emitter and Accelerated Fat Storage Man.  But those guys are kinda cool.

Here's your haiku

I ripped through my pants
there's a hole up in the crotch
I'll keep wearing them

back to the blog again

it really feels like I've been letting you all down with the blog lately.  I'm busy alright?  Grad school is actually starting to feel like grad school.  I always knew my life would be busy at some point, and that point is now.  So for all of you who painstakingly follow my blog, I apologize.  Although most of you are in grad school anyway so you really should be studying or something.  Stop wasting your time on silly websites with K Shankar backgrounds and get to work.  But seriously keep reading even though I haven't written much.  Did I mention I haven't written much? Yes. 3 times this paragraph.  Next topic.

You know what I really dont like? Fingernails.  I really wish they would stop growing.  It seems like that as an adult I should be able to figure out how to make things stop growing.  Has nobody figured that out yet?  Our best defense against things getting really big is still "cut it off?"  Come on science.  I know I ask you for things pretty often, but this seems like something you should have tackled a long time ago.  You haven't even replaced feet yet, and I asked for that like a month ago.  Last  paragraph.  Ok maybe I didn't ask science specifically, but I did whine about it.  Clearly that was a cry for help, and if science didn't get that then it doesn't understand me and maybe we shouldnt even be together at all!  What do I have to do, science? Beg?  Spell it out for you?  No.  I cannot and will not.  You know what?  I really like spelling cannot as one word.  I'm happy somebody decided that was an acceptable way of spelling.  I assume it was Britain that did that, probably back before they were Great Britain.  It kinda got a big head and stopped trying when it changed its name to Great Britain.  Like when Prince became that symbol.  Come on Prince, we get that you're weird.  At some point you gotta stop trying to outdo yourself.  Creativity is one thing, and forced creativity is also a thing.  But it is a worse thing.  That's how you end up with the Zune.  It's taking forever to image search for zune because everybody is too ashamed to upload a picture of their zune to the internet.  It might as well have asked me "are you sure you wanted to search for zune?  nobody has searched for that thing in like 6 years.  Just get an ipod brojohn."  I'm an apple fanboy.  I love you Steve Wozniak.  You're the only Steve I have left.

Oh man I have sort of missed this.  Blogging in class is just not the same.  I'm constantly worried that someone is watching me and judging me for still having a blog.  But here in my bed listening to pandora with no pants on it just feels so right.  I actually am wearing pants.  Or am I?  I am.  I recently came across a book called F U Penguin thanks to my boy Black Doug.  If you like this blog, you will probably like F U Penguin way more than you like this blog.  It's like my blog but streamlined funniness and strictly about cute animals.  So Meghan and Kristen, if you read this, get that book.  and read the crap out of it.  also F U Penguin is a website, and it swears more than this blog because the author of F U Penguin will not have patients in the future who are internet savvy.  Or patients at all for that matter.  I, on the other hand, will hopefully have patients and hopefully the internet will still exist in 3 years.  otherwise I have no idea how I'm going to spend my future time.  Not writing a blog?  Psh.  Don't think so.  By the way, in case I haven't pushed this book enough, here is another time for me writing F U Penguin.  Cut me a check BZA!  I'm broke and I haven't been discovered yet so I don't have a book deal.  Somebody owes me a book deal. I've been working not that hard at this blog for multiple months now.  I should be rewarded for this somehow.  Somebody get me a book deal STAT.  Statim in latin means immediately.  Don't believe me?  Ask Ms. Roy, former Westwood High School latin teacher.  I hope this is the first hit when somebody googles "Ms. Roy Westwood Latin"  so I'm gonna go ahead and put it in quotes.  I miss you Ms. Roy.  I'm positive you won't remember me but I always really liked you and I hope you're doing well.  Also I remember you liked Wessagusset Beach.  I think it was a beach.  "Ms. Roy Westwood Latin Wessagusset" hit me up google.

I'm not sure if I told you all what I was for halloween this year, but if I have not, here it is.  I started off as Bill Nye, then decided I wanted to be juggalo Bill Nye, and then decided that juggalo facepaint was way too scary and went back to Bill Nye regular style.  Dude, juggalos are scary.  My boy Wes thought it was funny, but very few other people would have really got the reference and it would have been a real awkward night for me.  You know the worst part of halloween?  The 2 people at every party who still think that halloween is supposed to be about scary things.  News flash bro.  Halloween hasn't been about scary things since 1800's Mexico.  It's about candy, funny costumes, and parties, just like every other holiday now.  Not trying to see your weirdly realistic gory mask or listen to your creepy voice.  Oh that was your real voice?  You had throat cancer and now you talk like that all the time?  Well I don't feel bad because you chose a really unfortunate mask to go with your otherwise not creepy but in this context pretty creepy voice.  Shoulda seen that one coming.  I'm getting a feeling I already kinda blogged about this.  Welp, you already knew this is a free website and I'm not a journalist and I have no artistic integrity.  

Guys.  Thanksgiving is right around the corner.  You know what that means?  I get to massively overeat and not feet bad about it yay!  I'm not sure if I've blogged about pie yet.  I love pie.  Wow I was weird in middle school.  I used to watch those videos all the time.  And eskimo bob.  But that's besides the point.  I honestly cant decide even a little bit what my favorite thanksgiving food is.  For years I would not eat stuffing.  Let me go on record saying I was an IDIOT.  Stuffing is one of the greatest inventions ever.  You know what happiness is?  Seeing two giant pots in the line of food for thanksgiving and having them both filled with different flavors of stuffing.  That's how awesome stuffing is.  You can make it out of WHATEVER YOU WANT and it's still the greatest food around.  And then there is cranberry sauce.  And there is warm rolls.  And there is gravy.  Are you kidding me with gravy?  Can anyone beat gravy? I mean we shouldnt even bother going to war anymore.  Let's just send the other countries gravy and they will love us so hard.  Let's take a look at countries we've been in wars with in the past.  1-England.  You know when we started fighting with England?  They wanted all our gravy and we wanted Boston Harbor tea or something.  Then we beat them and we started selling them gravy and now it's cool.  2-Germany. They had all that schnitzel and no gravy.  what's chicken without gravy?  Just chicken.  I'd be pissed too.  3-Russia.  All those potatoes, no gravy.  come on.  who didn't see that one coming.  It's history kids.  Watch the history channel. 

Alright well this has been great.  I've missed you all telling me how funny I am.  I hope you all enjoyed seeing the real life Santa last weekend.  I look forward to talking at you via the internet again soon.  Here's your haiku.  And I would also like another installment of "Comment haikus by everyone else" because your haikus are always super funny.

F U Pengiun book
stuff white people like book deal
Drew is getting screwed

They call me the resurgent blogger

One more thing

I saw Santa at Dennys on Friday night. I hope that picture works.

Quick mid chirogames blog

So far we've played really bad and our goalie has had by everyone's best estimate around 1.7 concussions. I flipped out during a game for the first time in probably like 7 years. But the parties have been fun!

I ate a deli sandwich that was unrefridgerated for about 24 hours. Needless to say I had the pleasure of reswallowing some puke that had made it 2/3 of the way up my esophagus. So that was good. Sometimes you just gotta swallow puke. I could taste the jalapeños. Aw yeah autocorrect giving me a tilde. iPhone kills it.

Alright well I gotta go get myself together for our game today. They call me captain drew. Gotta go rally the troops

Play soccer today
Play better than yesterday
No swallowing puke

Get ready people

I have officially taken all my tests before I leave for the great state of Florida for the fantastic event that we like to call chirogames. Oh baby. Oh baby. Oh baby. If you cannot tell I am excited. On the oh baby scale I am 3 excited. I've never used this scale before and I don't think it actually exists but I think that's a pretty high oh baby counter. This weekend is going to be super neato. That felt awful to type. But enough about me, let's talk about something less awesome. Aka anything else.

Today I had to take one of my exams in the makeup test room. There were three other people in the room, leaving me about a dozen desks to choose from. I choose the creaky, unbalanced one. And everybody knows that once you pick a seat you have I stay there no matter what. You can't be sitting down and moving around and stuff. What is this musical chairs? No. This is picking food out of a bowl. You can't be picking up all kinds of food and putting it back. You picked your bed, now sleep in it. I don't care that you picked the bottom bunk and Fuller is in top and he wets the bed. You're gonna stay there and you're gonna like it. Too many analogies. You get it. No backsies. Double stamp.

Today I wore my lucky Hawaiian shirt to school so that I would do well on my tests. What's that you say? You thought wolf shirt was my lucky shirt? What, a guy can't have more than one lucky shirt? What is this, Russia? I came from nothing and earned these lucky shirts. This is America and I'll have as many lucky shirts as I want. The bottom line hawaiian shirts are sick and they're worth wearing all the time. Super comfy. Super cool looking. My kids are going to hate me so much. I'm literally the most embarrassing person that you could ever be associated with. I apologize to all of you for myself. Nobody wears Hawaiian shirts except super obese people and cops. And the overlap in that venn diagram wears Hawaiian shirts with Hawaiian undershirts. Double hawaiian shirt. What does it mean? (meme reference)

I can't stop playing with iPhone. Does the smartphone honeymoon period ever wear off? When will I start to care about things other than iPhone? Will I ever stop callin it iPhone? Preliminary data says absolutely not. I'm doomed. Were all doomed and I'm first. At least I won't be the last person alive. That would be not that cool. But also really cool as long as you still had unlimited resources like my boy will smith in that zombie movie with the dog who saves his life and he's got all those rats and manakin friends and stuff. I really need a dog. Someone get me a medium sized playful dog that just wants to run around all the time. I need one. Now. But mainly in like 3 years.

Alright well I'm gonna go play some games on iPhone and ride out the rest of the day. I love the end of the tests. I get giddy and all school-girl-y. It's one of the many times a day that remind me that I'm really not fit to. Be a doctor because I'm basically a tall ten year old. Well. Here's your haiku because I'm an adult and adults appreciate art like poems and stuff.

X-rays and CT.
I'm qualified to read you
I also like farts

Expect an update from chirogames this weekend but don't expect it to be long, make sense, or even be comprehensible. See ya in Florida

First actual iPhone blog.

I know I did a mini one on Sunday, but here is my first official iPhone blog. Here we go.

Last night I gave out what I think was my first red card. Here's what happened--a grown woman kicked another grown woman because she thought that a throw in should be for her team instead. That makes sense. No i liked it. Really. Get off my field that doesn't really have lines and where I don't really enforce the rules. Who kicks people? Are you jean Claude van damme? Steven segal perhaps? Bruce lee? Jackie chan? Lu King? Raiden? Do they call you the embarrassingly light shin kicker? No to all of those questions? Ok good. You can leave now.

This feels really weird. It feels like everyone is watching me blog even though nobody pays attention I anything I do. In ortho lab today I literally sat and did nothing for twenty minutes before somebody noticed. They call me silent but deadly. And not just because of my farts. Which happen to be kind of loud actually. Like that one in freshman seminar on that wood desk while Chris mod talked about his kids birthday party. Ha. Farts. Funny every time.

Alright well I think this is gonna be it for now. But I like where this is going. There's definitely a lot of potential for in class blogging. This could replace napping all together. They will call me tired eyes. Because I will never stop blogging. Here's your haiku

Bored in lecture hall
Napping is thing of the past
Blogging my face off

I don't think I can put links in here on the blogger app. I apologize. But not really because in sacrificing my academic career for you here. A little gratitude would be nice.

By the way I didn't get that dictator job. But they did pick another white guy. I guess I'm just not dictator material. Stupid Kim Jong il.