I Know it's been a little while since my last post, so here is a gif to tide you over until my next real post, which should probably be this week or weekend or something. Who knows. I got the need. The need to briefly blog.
Do work son.
Monday, December 10, 2012
Monday, November 26, 2012
Post thanksgiving post
Hello loyal readers. I hope you all had a wonderful thanksgiving with friends, family, and at least one person you really dont like. Before I even get into this blog, I'd like to give you the gift of a gif. The best gif. I call it the 2012 Jet Legacy. Jegacy if you will.
My favorite part is when he realizes the ball is gone and he just lets his face fall into the dirt at the very end. It's so much more than admitting defeat. It's embracing the suck. It's a full on "I hate, so much, the things I choose to be" moment. It's everything I love about sports in one moment. It's like that moment when they zoom in on the losing fans' faces, and you can just taste their tears through the TV and they're so salty and yet so sweet. It's that moment times 100. That moment times 100,001 because i like palindromes and misery. I think that will be the new motto of this blog. For too long it's been the most important thing you'll read all day. I think at this point in my blogging career, especially since this is by no means a daily blog anymore, PEOAWAR will now be known by our new motto and slogan: Palindromes & Misery. You're all welcome.
Brittany came to spend thanksgiving with my family this weekend, and she got to kind of see how I grew up, which was clearly a huge mistake. I know Brittany will be reading this blog soon, but I will go ahead and write some things on the internet about you anyway Blittany. You are welcome.
I'm pretty sure that after this weekend, Blittany thinks that my whole childhood and adolescence consisted of giving people high fives and being best friends with the entire state of Massachusetts. She attended my 5 year high school reunion, where I proceeded to introduce her to 12 people and forget to introduce her to the other 75 people she met. Then she met the rest of my family that she hadn't yet met on Thursday, and also managed to not nap once the whole day. Pretty impressive Brit. Especially considering your pedigree as a born, bred, and raised napper. Then, on Friday she attended my high school soccer alumni game, where she met just about everyone I have ever played soccer with and then an extra 25 people. She met just about everyone I ever talked to from age 6-17 this weekend and managed to not have her head explode. So here's to you, Ms. Entire-Town-Of-Westwood Meeter. You smiled and nodded all weekend, meeting all my old friends, my old friends parents, and even some people I don't even know myself. When my friends' parents told you I was a good catch, you pretended like you agreed with them, and didn't tell them how smelly my farts are or about this blog. So here's to you, Ms. Entire-Town-Of-Westwood Meeter, because thanks to you, I look like a normal human being with a girlfriend and social skills, and nobody noticed my scraggly beard at the alumni game.
By the way, I really like the acronym for this blog. PEOAWAR. It's like I invented a new RPG. And not the cool kind that blows stuff up. The kind that you waste 2 months of your life playing only to realize that internet points don't count and you haven't showered in 3 days, and also you have athletes foot. Not because you're an athlete, but because you've worn slippers for 2 weeks straight without socks on and it rained yesterday and you didn't bother to take your slippers off even though you went outside so that you could pay the pizza delivery guy, who won't even come within 5 feet of your front door because a) it smells weird b) there's a funny green glow coming from the next room and c) he thinks he might actually be saving your life by making you walk an extra 8 steps. Life is motion people. If you're not moving forward you're dying. Figuratively of course, because sayings are stupid and metaphors are for people who can't handle the truth (see my previous blogs when I had a metaphor of the day or something, I'm pretty sure that was a thing like a year ago).
Well I think that's a good place to stop. Shout out to Tim because he's emotionally unstable without a blog shoutout. Shoutout to the Jets for having 5 points against the patriots this weekend at some point. You may have lost the game, but you won the safety battle. And that counts for something. And that something is a box full of emptiness and sorrow. Here's your gif.
OH also the world is due to end in 25 days. Here's to a mundane last 3 and a half weeks to human existence. And by last 3 and a half weeks I mean probably another hundred thousand years or so, assuming we don't kill ourselves off, and we manage to cope with global warming and that kind of stuff. And you should all follow @yaboybillnye on twitter. Dude's hilarious.
Dude kills it. Here's your gif for real.
Brittany came to spend thanksgiving with my family this weekend, and she got to kind of see how I grew up, which was clearly a huge mistake. I know Brittany will be reading this blog soon, but I will go ahead and write some things on the internet about you anyway Blittany. You are welcome.
I'm pretty sure that after this weekend, Blittany thinks that my whole childhood and adolescence consisted of giving people high fives and being best friends with the entire state of Massachusetts. She attended my 5 year high school reunion, where I proceeded to introduce her to 12 people and forget to introduce her to the other 75 people she met. Then she met the rest of my family that she hadn't yet met on Thursday, and also managed to not nap once the whole day. Pretty impressive Brit. Especially considering your pedigree as a born, bred, and raised napper. Then, on Friday she attended my high school soccer alumni game, where she met just about everyone I have ever played soccer with and then an extra 25 people. She met just about everyone I ever talked to from age 6-17 this weekend and managed to not have her head explode. So here's to you, Ms. Entire-Town-Of-Westwood Meeter. You smiled and nodded all weekend, meeting all my old friends, my old friends parents, and even some people I don't even know myself. When my friends' parents told you I was a good catch, you pretended like you agreed with them, and didn't tell them how smelly my farts are or about this blog. So here's to you, Ms. Entire-Town-Of-Westwood Meeter, because thanks to you, I look like a normal human being with a girlfriend and social skills, and nobody noticed my scraggly beard at the alumni game.
By the way, I really like the acronym for this blog. PEOAWAR. It's like I invented a new RPG. And not the cool kind that blows stuff up. The kind that you waste 2 months of your life playing only to realize that internet points don't count and you haven't showered in 3 days, and also you have athletes foot. Not because you're an athlete, but because you've worn slippers for 2 weeks straight without socks on and it rained yesterday and you didn't bother to take your slippers off even though you went outside so that you could pay the pizza delivery guy, who won't even come within 5 feet of your front door because a) it smells weird b) there's a funny green glow coming from the next room and c) he thinks he might actually be saving your life by making you walk an extra 8 steps. Life is motion people. If you're not moving forward you're dying. Figuratively of course, because sayings are stupid and metaphors are for people who can't handle the truth (see my previous blogs when I had a metaphor of the day or something, I'm pretty sure that was a thing like a year ago).
Well I think that's a good place to stop. Shout out to Tim because he's emotionally unstable without a blog shoutout. Shoutout to the Jets for having 5 points against the patriots this weekend at some point. You may have lost the game, but you won the safety battle. And that counts for something. And that something is a box full of emptiness and sorrow. Here's your gif.
OH also the world is due to end in 25 days. Here's to a mundane last 3 and a half weeks to human existence. And by last 3 and a half weeks I mean probably another hundred thousand years or so, assuming we don't kill ourselves off, and we manage to cope with global warming and that kind of stuff. And you should all follow @yaboybillnye on twitter. Dude's hilarious.
YA BOY BILL NYE
there better be cities in space before i die im tryna live on the mooooon. lemme get dat MOON HOUSE!
Dude kills it. Here's your gif for real.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Whats up fellow internet users. This will be my second blog since homecoming. It will be written today, November 10, because I get to relax a little bit today. Not too much, mind you, because I have to study and work today. But nonetheless, I will blog. Firstly, I would like to tell you about my nap yesterday. It was awesome. I laid down, and then I was unconscious for about 2 hours, and then I woke up. And oh boy was that unconsciousness glorious. I was neither awake, nor conscious, nor aware of my surroundings. If ever an enemy wanted to strike me down, that would have been the moment. I was a metaphorical sitting duck, and a literal sleeping human. It would have been like shooting metaphorical fish in a metaphorical barrel, or like shooting a literal human in a literal bed while he is sleeping. But you have missed that chance, sneaky made up enemy. You also missed the chance last night while I slept again. You are a very poor predator. You should read "Hunting for Idiots" or something, which is sort of an ambiguous name. Does it teach idiots how to hunt, or does it teach you how to hunt idiots? You should really work on your punctuation, "for idiots" franchise. Also I should probably read blogging for dummies. I need some coaching. What are these square plastic things below this glowing square? What do the various shapes and lines on them mean? I would like to know these things.
I'm going to do something I haven't done in a while on this blog, and that is have a color of the day. The color of the day today is White.
There are 3 pictures of Betty White on the first 3 pages on google image search. That is more than any other human, There's only 1 wolf. Betty White >wolves according to google. I didn't make the results, I just report them.
Oh did you guys hear Obama won? That's pretty cool I guess. I kinda wonder what the next four years will look like..............(wavy screen transition).............................Four years from now we will be pretty OK. My condolences go out to those of you who think we're headed for doom and destruction, and especially to those of you who expect a thousand years of darkness (1:50). lol. We're not all moving to Alaska bro, the sun comes up and down here in the good ole continental 48. Maybe I'm young an naive (I'm not), but a thousand years is kinda a long time. Somebody is gonna figure out how to work a flashlight in those thousand years. You can make a battery out of a lemon bro. (new favorite twitter account btw).
Tim was bummed to not get a shoutout in my last blog, and wrote me a pretty nasty haiku to voice his displeasure. Hey Tim, I know it's voting season and you wanna voice your choice and vote or die or however P Diddy is getting college kids to vote this year but this blog is a dictatorship. We don't do democrablogs over here. Homie don't play that. This isn't even a benelovent dictatorship. This is on some Stalin level. Level 3 dictator. I'm listening to a book about World War 2, and Stalin is a HARD dude. He's all like "Oh Stalingrad? You guys wanna retreat? You mean our only stronghold is one factory and you're fighting Germans with knives in the dark? Well too bad I'm just gonna cut your rations more and if you retreat from my namesake city I'm just gonna shoot you anyway, so at least try to get propaganda film famous, (which is kinda like internet famous now) so the kids that you don't have will be proud of you during the Cold War. I'M STALIN SON! ANYTHING IS POSSIBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE!!"
I now realize I may have gone too far with the Stalin bit. My condolences go out to those of you who still mourn the loss of approximately 1,000,000 red army soldiers at Stalingrad. Although I can't imagine you are my target audience. Bottom line is Tim gets a shoutout this week, but only because he hurt my feelings with that haiku and I'm trying to work on forgiveness.
And now I will leave you with your blogly gif.
I'm going to do something I haven't done in a while on this blog, and that is have a color of the day. The color of the day today is White.
 |
| Best picture on this blog so far |
Oh did you guys hear Obama won? That's pretty cool I guess. I kinda wonder what the next four years will look like..............(wavy screen transition).............................Four years from now we will be pretty OK. My condolences go out to those of you who think we're headed for doom and destruction, and especially to those of you who expect a thousand years of darkness (1:50). lol. We're not all moving to Alaska bro, the sun comes up and down here in the good ole continental 48. Maybe I'm young an naive (I'm not), but a thousand years is kinda a long time. Somebody is gonna figure out how to work a flashlight in those thousand years. You can make a battery out of a lemon bro. (new favorite twitter account btw).
Tim was bummed to not get a shoutout in my last blog, and wrote me a pretty nasty haiku to voice his displeasure. Hey Tim, I know it's voting season and you wanna voice your choice and vote or die or however P Diddy is getting college kids to vote this year but this blog is a dictatorship. We don't do democrablogs over here. Homie don't play that. This isn't even a benelovent dictatorship. This is on some Stalin level. Level 3 dictator. I'm listening to a book about World War 2, and Stalin is a HARD dude. He's all like "Oh Stalingrad? You guys wanna retreat? You mean our only stronghold is one factory and you're fighting Germans with knives in the dark? Well too bad I'm just gonna cut your rations more and if you retreat from my namesake city I'm just gonna shoot you anyway, so at least try to get propaganda film famous, (which is kinda like internet famous now) so the kids that you don't have will be proud of you during the Cold War. I'M STALIN SON! ANYTHING IS POSSIBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE!!"
I now realize I may have gone too far with the Stalin bit. My condolences go out to those of you who still mourn the loss of approximately 1,000,000 red army soldiers at Stalingrad. Although I can't imagine you are my target audience. Bottom line is Tim gets a shoutout this week, but only because he hurt my feelings with that haiku and I'm trying to work on forgiveness.
And now I will leave you with your blogly gif.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
The dark blog returns
hello everyone
I apologize for my recent absence. I have encountered this thing called "having things that I have to do," which is a completely foreign concept to me. I was recently in my favorite state that I went to an undergraduate university in, Deraware, and I was reminded that I have a blog and that I have no fewer than 2 adoring fans who apparently still wipe away the digital cobwebs and check to see if I have graced the internet with a new blog post. And today, october 25th, till be that day.
Some of you may be asking, "Drew, what have you been so busy with that you couldn't have spent even one hour on this blog over the past 2 months?" Well you people are not gonna get an answer because I'm not trying to talk about that tonight. What am I talking about tonight? What will I be talking about? NOTHING. That's right. You're gonna get a classic tonight.
Does swiss cheese taste good as a grilled cheese? I'm thinking about making a grilled cheese later and I only have swiss. I'm kind of assuming that it'll work out fine, but you can't be sure these days. Uncertain times we live in. Uncertain times. Who is going to be the next president? What will the next flavor of mountain dew be? Will I ever be able to do laundry at the same rate at which I use underwear? We know none of these things. Yet we persevere. We continue on. You might even say we keep calm and carry on. I'm listening to a book on world war 2 right now in my motor vehicle and it is about 25 cds long. I am on the third cd. France has already surrendered. The narrator has a British accent. Numbers and I have recently had a following out, but if 2 years of a war takes 3 cds, and the war was 7 years long, should the book not be roughly 12 cds? It kinda makes me feel bad for France, but it a really condescending way. The message this author is sending France with this book seems to be, "you are the worst." You know what France, maybe you guys just don't have it in you. Maybe the whole war thing just isn't for you. You know what you guys do real well? Horizontal stripes and smugness. Maybe you guys should have invented horizontal stripes before world war 2 and then you coulda just stayed out of the whole thing and avoided the whole occupation and stuff. You could have been like (written in a french english accent) "hu hu, heetlair, we frehnch do not fight in ze battelles anymoooah! Look at zis bagayt (bagette)! Zis is not ze food for ze soljairs! Zis is ze food for deepeeng in maiy taeenee glass of coffeeeeee. HU HU HU" I'll have to let you guys know what happens after cd #3. Maybe it'll be a new blog segment. "What happened in world war 2, featuring Drew." I like it. And you all will too.
SPFP put me in his status today, tagging me as the guy in a horror movie who would have a super good plan for everyone to escape but nobody listens to him. It made me feel special. But not as special as when he wrote later, "but in real life mode Drew tells everyone to go outside and everyone does immediately." That is why they call me the decider. I can't imagine how anyone who doesn't have me tell them what to do ever does anything. The rest of the world must just wallow in their indecision. I like the word wallow. It's a good word.
Alright I think this will be the end of this blog. I hope you enjoyed this Blittany and SPFP. This blog is for you. Now here is your haiku and gif.
I apologize for my recent absence. I have encountered this thing called "having things that I have to do," which is a completely foreign concept to me. I was recently in my favorite state that I went to an undergraduate university in, Deraware, and I was reminded that I have a blog and that I have no fewer than 2 adoring fans who apparently still wipe away the digital cobwebs and check to see if I have graced the internet with a new blog post. And today, october 25th, till be that day.
Some of you may be asking, "Drew, what have you been so busy with that you couldn't have spent even one hour on this blog over the past 2 months?" Well you people are not gonna get an answer because I'm not trying to talk about that tonight. What am I talking about tonight? What will I be talking about? NOTHING. That's right. You're gonna get a classic tonight.
Does swiss cheese taste good as a grilled cheese? I'm thinking about making a grilled cheese later and I only have swiss. I'm kind of assuming that it'll work out fine, but you can't be sure these days. Uncertain times we live in. Uncertain times. Who is going to be the next president? What will the next flavor of mountain dew be? Will I ever be able to do laundry at the same rate at which I use underwear? We know none of these things. Yet we persevere. We continue on. You might even say we keep calm and carry on. I'm listening to a book on world war 2 right now in my motor vehicle and it is about 25 cds long. I am on the third cd. France has already surrendered. The narrator has a British accent. Numbers and I have recently had a following out, but if 2 years of a war takes 3 cds, and the war was 7 years long, should the book not be roughly 12 cds? It kinda makes me feel bad for France, but it a really condescending way. The message this author is sending France with this book seems to be, "you are the worst." You know what France, maybe you guys just don't have it in you. Maybe the whole war thing just isn't for you. You know what you guys do real well? Horizontal stripes and smugness. Maybe you guys should have invented horizontal stripes before world war 2 and then you coulda just stayed out of the whole thing and avoided the whole occupation and stuff. You could have been like (written in a french english accent) "hu hu, heetlair, we frehnch do not fight in ze battelles anymoooah! Look at zis bagayt (bagette)! Zis is not ze food for ze soljairs! Zis is ze food for deepeeng in maiy taeenee glass of coffeeeeee. HU HU HU" I'll have to let you guys know what happens after cd #3. Maybe it'll be a new blog segment. "What happened in world war 2, featuring Drew." I like it. And you all will too.
SPFP put me in his status today, tagging me as the guy in a horror movie who would have a super good plan for everyone to escape but nobody listens to him. It made me feel special. But not as special as when he wrote later, "but in real life mode Drew tells everyone to go outside and everyone does immediately." That is why they call me the decider. I can't imagine how anyone who doesn't have me tell them what to do ever does anything. The rest of the world must just wallow in their indecision. I like the word wallow. It's a good word.
Alright I think this will be the end of this blog. I hope you enjoyed this Blittany and SPFP. This blog is for you. Now here is your haiku and gif.
 |
| that haiku is dumb it was too introspective not enough fart jokes |
Sunday, August 19, 2012
maybe the best gif yet
I was just looking through all my bookmarks and I came across one I didn't remember. Without further ado, here it is. Your gif.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
b-blog it out
Welcome back to your blog Drew. You have been missed by it. I know you've been busy but I'd really appreciate it if you'd visit more often. I mean, come on. It's not like you do anything anyway. Except those days recently that you've been leaving the house at 6:30 and getting back home at like 11. I mean, that leaves 7 1/2 hours to blog right? get it together Drew. Weak sauce.
So as you can tell from that last paragraph that my blog managed to write for me, I've been busy and I also like to whine about it. But the truth is, I don't mind being busy. It's kinda nice. I just find stuff to do during the day when I have breaks. I study things and stuff like that. Today I read the paper on my phone. Do you know how relaxing it is to flip through the newspaper and read articles on how some jewish lady is cleaning up jamaica pond with some sort of remote controlled U-boat? It's glorious. You know what's less nice than that? Learning about poop. That's what about half of my exam tomorrow is on. Poop. Although at least when you're learning about poop you can make good jokes. I know all about diarrhea dude. I'm the diarrhea king. I got diarrhea flow. Irritable bowel syndrome, secretory infection diarrhea. All over it. You got bloody poops? Let me take a look. But seriously, don't because I'm not that interested in it. But maybe I might be. But probably not.
So tomorrow is the day that Brittany comes to visit. She will be here for approximately 45 hours. I will not be blogging in those 45 hours. I will be riding roller coasters though. And that's not even a sex joke. We're going to six flags. I freaking love roller coasters. They are kinda glorious. You sit in this contraption that goes super fast and down big drops and stuff and you don't even die! That's some human freaking ingenuity right there. Also I just realized by spelling ingenuity that it's the noun form of ingenious. Sometimes it just clicks right? Clicks like McMurray's test. We did the knee regional today. It was alright.
Harry potter is on right now and I'm running low on battery, so I'm afraid that this might have to be the end of this blog. But I did come across a glorious gif yesterday. So glorious in fact that I emailed it to myself so I wouldn't lose it. And by emailed it to myself I mean I didn't close the safari page it was on in my phone and just now I emailed it to myself. So without further ado or buildup that might make this gif less awesome to you that it was for me, here it is. Your moment of gif.
So as you can tell from that last paragraph that my blog managed to write for me, I've been busy and I also like to whine about it. But the truth is, I don't mind being busy. It's kinda nice. I just find stuff to do during the day when I have breaks. I study things and stuff like that. Today I read the paper on my phone. Do you know how relaxing it is to flip through the newspaper and read articles on how some jewish lady is cleaning up jamaica pond with some sort of remote controlled U-boat? It's glorious. You know what's less nice than that? Learning about poop. That's what about half of my exam tomorrow is on. Poop. Although at least when you're learning about poop you can make good jokes. I know all about diarrhea dude. I'm the diarrhea king. I got diarrhea flow. Irritable bowel syndrome, secretory infection diarrhea. All over it. You got bloody poops? Let me take a look. But seriously, don't because I'm not that interested in it. But maybe I might be. But probably not.
So tomorrow is the day that Brittany comes to visit. She will be here for approximately 45 hours. I will not be blogging in those 45 hours. I will be riding roller coasters though. And that's not even a sex joke. We're going to six flags. I freaking love roller coasters. They are kinda glorious. You sit in this contraption that goes super fast and down big drops and stuff and you don't even die! That's some human freaking ingenuity right there. Also I just realized by spelling ingenuity that it's the noun form of ingenious. Sometimes it just clicks right? Clicks like McMurray's test. We did the knee regional today. It was alright.
Harry potter is on right now and I'm running low on battery, so I'm afraid that this might have to be the end of this blog. But I did come across a glorious gif yesterday. So glorious in fact that I emailed it to myself so I wouldn't lose it. And by emailed it to myself I mean I didn't close the safari page it was on in my phone and just now I emailed it to myself. So without further ado or buildup that might make this gif less awesome to you that it was for me, here it is. Your moment of gif.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
sunday slobday
So today I am blogging purely because I need to kill some time. Breaking Bad premiers tonight at 9 central (aka fake time) and it's only 5:41 as I'm starting this blog. Also the cable in my living room is not working. It's working in my room but I don't get HBO in my room so essentially it's worthless. Amazing how quickly I become conditioned to luxury. They call me the spoiled child. I could go to the skatepark but I already showered today and everybody knows you're not allowed to shower twice in a day. So, here I am today. Blogging away. In the shade. Styling my hair with pomade. But not really that. But maybe I will start doing that. But really I won't. Here is your sunday blog. COMMENCE.
Did you guys know that commencement really means beginning? I love english so much. I was about to go on a rant about how much I hate english, but then I realized how unbelievably awesome it is. You know what it does? Puts us all up on a pedestal. Oh, you don't know how to speak the most confusing language known to man? You must be an idiot and get out of my country. And on top of that, America is so jacked that if you don't speak english you can't make it in international business/relations. The worst language has become the default language for international stuff. America is awesome. You know what the most logical international language would be? Norwegian. My boy Daniel, the only Norwegian guy I know, told me that Norwegian is close enough to Swedish and Danish that you can have conversations where one person is speaking Norwegian and the other person is speaking Danish/Swedish. You know what the coolest part about this little language love triangle is? It's really just a love angle, because people speaking Danish and Swedish can't understand each other. Danish and Swedish intersect at a point, and that point is Norwegian. How cool is that? That's like some super meta world peace stuff. I mean, of course if norwegian was the powerhouse language, then only people in those 3 slavic countries would benefit, but who cares? Also this is interesting. Literally the only 3 countries that I was going to name with English as it's national language don't have a national language. Freaking internet. You only show me the most useful information.
Moving on to my next thought, I would like to give my girl Brittany a shoutout for finishing ortho without needing a psych evaluation or picking up a drug habit. I know I tell you this all the time when you do things that don't merit pride at all, but for real I am actually so proud of you this time! They call you the musculoskeletal master. Nicknames are better with alliteration. As are real names. And really all word coupling. I will do my best from now on to bundle blocks of words with the same starting letters. I intentionally did it more than two times last sentence to keep my covenant. It seems as though my blog will be using the thesaurus much more. And now I have lost patience with this.
I have had the fortune of being able to go to the skatepark three times this past week. This has been very exciting for me. Not only does it give me the opportunity to sweat profusely and wear pants when it is contraindicated, it allows me to meet people that also enjoy skateboarding. This is something that I have looked forward to for some time. I have managed to meet many men manipulating man-made plywood platforms, performing perilous stunts standing and sliding solely on slippery skateboards. Did that sentence make sense? Maybe. But really, that's the end of alliteration blog. Also I'm a literary genius. But really, meeting grown people with wives (one each), children (plausibly more than one), and houses (1+/- 1) gives me hope for the future. A future where I can be old and skate my miniramp that I built until my body gives out. A future where all the neighbor kids want to come skate my ramp and I chase them away with a broom, but it's really just a joke because I have 12 year old friends and I'm not even a Chester the child molester or anything, despite what my fantasy football team name and hidden file on my computer called "favorite books" might suggest. A future where I can continue to make poop jokes and write this blog forever, but somehow people actually respect me as an adult. I'm talking about having my cake and eating it too people. Because this is AMERICA and I should be able to dip my fried chicken fingers into fake cheese product sauce and then throw it up after so I can still be attractive and then when my teeth rot from the stomach acid exposure I get fake teeth that are even stronger and whiter than my old teeth and I don't even notice the difference after a few years. That's what I'm TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE. The real American dream isn't owning a house and giving your kids a better life than you had, because my life is totally awesome and I'm way less responsible than my parents; the American dream is about skateboarding into your forties up to the point that you need new legs and then they give you titanium robot legs that make you able to ollie way higher than you ever did before.
And THAT is the kind of rant you people come here for. Skateboarding, america, pedophilia, cake, prosthetics. This one had it all. Here's your gif. I'm out.
Did you guys know that commencement really means beginning? I love english so much. I was about to go on a rant about how much I hate english, but then I realized how unbelievably awesome it is. You know what it does? Puts us all up on a pedestal. Oh, you don't know how to speak the most confusing language known to man? You must be an idiot and get out of my country. And on top of that, America is so jacked that if you don't speak english you can't make it in international business/relations. The worst language has become the default language for international stuff. America is awesome. You know what the most logical international language would be? Norwegian. My boy Daniel, the only Norwegian guy I know, told me that Norwegian is close enough to Swedish and Danish that you can have conversations where one person is speaking Norwegian and the other person is speaking Danish/Swedish. You know what the coolest part about this little language love triangle is? It's really just a love angle, because people speaking Danish and Swedish can't understand each other. Danish and Swedish intersect at a point, and that point is Norwegian. How cool is that? That's like some super meta world peace stuff. I mean, of course if norwegian was the powerhouse language, then only people in those 3 slavic countries would benefit, but who cares? Also this is interesting. Literally the only 3 countries that I was going to name with English as it's national language don't have a national language. Freaking internet. You only show me the most useful information.
Moving on to my next thought, I would like to give my girl Brittany a shoutout for finishing ortho without needing a psych evaluation or picking up a drug habit. I know I tell you this all the time when you do things that don't merit pride at all, but for real I am actually so proud of you this time! They call you the musculoskeletal master. Nicknames are better with alliteration. As are real names. And really all word coupling. I will do my best from now on to bundle blocks of words with the same starting letters. I intentionally did it more than two times last sentence to keep my covenant. It seems as though my blog will be using the thesaurus much more. And now I have lost patience with this.
I have had the fortune of being able to go to the skatepark three times this past week. This has been very exciting for me. Not only does it give me the opportunity to sweat profusely and wear pants when it is contraindicated, it allows me to meet people that also enjoy skateboarding. This is something that I have looked forward to for some time. I have managed to meet many men manipulating man-made plywood platforms, performing perilous stunts standing and sliding solely on slippery skateboards. Did that sentence make sense? Maybe. But really, that's the end of alliteration blog. Also I'm a literary genius. But really, meeting grown people with wives (one each), children (plausibly more than one), and houses (1+/- 1) gives me hope for the future. A future where I can be old and skate my miniramp that I built until my body gives out. A future where all the neighbor kids want to come skate my ramp and I chase them away with a broom, but it's really just a joke because I have 12 year old friends and I'm not even a Chester the child molester or anything, despite what my fantasy football team name and hidden file on my computer called "favorite books" might suggest. A future where I can continue to make poop jokes and write this blog forever, but somehow people actually respect me as an adult. I'm talking about having my cake and eating it too people. Because this is AMERICA and I should be able to dip my fried chicken fingers into fake cheese product sauce and then throw it up after so I can still be attractive and then when my teeth rot from the stomach acid exposure I get fake teeth that are even stronger and whiter than my old teeth and I don't even notice the difference after a few years. That's what I'm TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE. The real American dream isn't owning a house and giving your kids a better life than you had, because my life is totally awesome and I'm way less responsible than my parents; the American dream is about skateboarding into your forties up to the point that you need new legs and then they give you titanium robot legs that make you able to ollie way higher than you ever did before.
And THAT is the kind of rant you people come here for. Skateboarding, america, pedophilia, cake, prosthetics. This one had it all. Here's your gif. I'm out.
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