somehow this ended up being all about emma watson.

so apparently I won't be gone all weekend.  I'm back today and I know you're all super happy about that.  I have some stuff to say.

I hate soft beds.  and by soft i mean the opposite of firmness, not the opposite of coarse.  I slept on a soft bed in a hotel the past 2 nights.  Impossible to get out of.  You try to push into it with your hand and you just sink further into the thing.  It's like a combination of devil's snare (2:56) and quick sand.  Devil's snare, devil's snare,  it's deadly fun but will sulk in the sun.  Call me Emma.  I dig the short hair.  We can share shampoo or something, and I can blame you for all the hair in the shower even though we both know I'm balding and you seem nice enough to play along and not rub it in my face that I only have like 4 more years of looking young and you'll look young and super hot forever because you're a celebrity and girl british accents gives me tingles in a silly place and you're only with me because you're slumming but I would be fine with that and there would be an unspoken agreement that I never ask you to dress up as a witch when we do it but I would be imagining it and you would be able to tell because my eyes would glaze over and then I would giggle at an inappropriate time and you would pretend like it bothered you but really you would think it's funny because you already read this blog and it's impressive how accurate my prediction was.

they call me the rambling man.  I love the allman brothers.  they kill it so hard.

Really I could end it here because that emma watson sentence paragraph was so good, but I feel that I at least owe you one haiku.  So here is your boy raichu writing a haiku for you.

i'm getting creepy.
first kailey, now ms. watson
really though. call me.

I'm starting a new segment called "pictures of people doing the shankar without actually knowing they're shaking."  Here's the first of what I hope is a long lasting and entertaining segment, but in actuality will probably end today.  Can you guess who it will be today?  I'll give you a hint.  George Clooney

It's funny because it's actually Emma Watson and I tricked you.  I'm not sure how acceptable it is to write about girls like I have been, but it's my blog and I do what I want.  But really sometime tell me if I've crossed some line of creepiness.  And by someone I mean Tim or Alex because I assume you'll both tell me that I haven't gone far enough.  Thanks for the advice, my brain's interpretation of Tim and Alex's advice based on my past experiences!  Yay limbic system!

So that's about it for today.  I know that earlier I said that they call me the rambling man, but now I would like to tell you something else that they call me.  And this is a real name that I am actually called sometimes. 

They call me wematanye

Wematanye calls them silent sticks to test your spirit of shutting up.  Pure comedic gold.

friday is the day that it is today

Hello there boys and girls, men and women, and Shaqtus the big galactus.  Just a heads up, I'll be out of town this weekend so you will be getting no saturday or sunday blogs.  No blog for you.  Come back 3 days.  I would like to wish you all a happy weekend. I hope all of your dreams come true.

That being said, let's get on with the show.  My boy C Woosh suggested to me via text at midnight that I write about clothes trends, especially those that are/were ridiculous.  So here we go with a new segment called "Fashion with your boy C Woosh"

1) JNCO pants

Just gonna throw it out there, I had a pair of JNCO pants in the fourth grade.  For whatever reason, jnco's remind me of juggalos.  Essentially jncos were a way to tell your parents that you hate them.  Look at how big those back pockets are.  Think of all the cargo you could bring with you in those huge pockets.  You could bring spare face paint, your meth pipe, tiny rubber bands for your little braid things that are sticking out of your head, a giant knife, and your wallet all in one pocket.  Useful? yes.  Worth it? probably not.  My grade on jnco pants: D+

2) Tying your shirt around your waist

Honestly this picture has it all.  Shirts around the waist, Tevas, a girl mall grabbing her walmart skateboard, giant knee hole pants.  But for now, we will stick with the shirt belt.  And by we, I mean me because I'm doing all the work here.  Wearing your shirt around your waist is a way of telling people "I can't properly plan my clothes for the weather."  I know it's the 90's, but just take a look at the newspaper or watch the weather channel for 2 minutes.  It's gonna tell you how hot it's gonna be.  You don't need all those layers if it's gonna be 85 out.  Not to mention that you ruin your shirt sleeves.  You can't wear that shirt on your arms anymore because your sleeves are so wrinkled.  Come on 90's teenagers.  Show a little pride and stop mall grabbing.  I mean wearing shirt belts.  Grade for shirt belts: C-.

I'll do one more of these for C woosh and then it's onto haiku time because, let's face it, I'm the voice of a generation.

3) Hats with brims up

This is a style that I could get behind.  Look at that tiny hat and funny shaped brim.  funny hats have always held a dear place in my heart.  I dont know why.  Umbrella hats, turquoise hats with self-drawn street pirates, my boy Wesley's hat in that picture.  I love em all.  I wish that I was old enough to have been choosing my own clothes during this trend because I woulda rocked it super hard.  Wearing your hat with the brim up is the best way to communicate to the world "I kill it harder than you."  Grade for hats with brim up: A.  I don't believe in A+'s because I think it distorts the GPA scale.  What, you got a 4.33 out of 4.0?  You're lying and you don't deserve to be in college.

Haiku time

Thanks a lot C woosh
This is a sick new segment
but now it's over

I require feedback on fashion with c woosh.  It's up in the air.  I write to please.  Myself.  All feedback will be accepted, but only if it comes from me.  Feel free to inception me.

The color of the day is eggshell white

Shout out to my boys at art-paints.com for hooking me up with this exclusive jpg from google.  Thanks guys.  I appreciate the special celebrity treatment.  I'm happy to spread the word about your website to countries like India, Canada, Germany, and the UK.  They love me over there.  I'm like the claw to those green alien toys in Toy Story.  They do my will.

I would like to write one more haiku today, because as I understand it my boy Green Thumb started PT school today and he's really the only one who cares about these haikus.
grad school in jersey
prepare for it in your butt
from roommate grandma

I know that haiku probably didn't make sense to anyone, but i'm laughing out loud by myself right now. Shout out to jablonskeet.  Sorry everyone in Missouri for none of this making sense, but I'm internationally known now and I have to cater to my massive audience.

Also I decided on a shankar emoticon yesterday
:fl
I think that's about as good as I can get.

Time for the hardest part of writing this every day.  I hope at least one of you figures this one out.

They call me the eht em llac yehT

pure silliness

I made an awesome sandwich today for lunch. chicken patty, egg, cheese, BBQ sauce, hot sauce.  Let me tell you, eating poultry (even things loosely based on poultry like chicken patties) with eggs is fantastic.  Definitely a huge slap in the face to the chicken community, but nonetheless a fantastic combo.    You know what else? I really like the little end piece of bread for sandwiches.  It's a better size for things like eggs and chicken patties, both of which are huge components of my diet.  I would say my diet is roughly 1/3 chicken patty.  Such convenience and acceptable taste, especially since I have the taste buds of a 5 year old.

That's me.  So I wear blue contacts, so what?  The ladies love blue eyes.  It's not like I won best eyes of my high school class by playing fair.  if you're not cheating, you're not trying.

I see you Bill.  Just playin dumb, stalking your prey.  Kinda like me and Hong Kong and India.  In other Patriots related news, we picked up Albert Haynesworth today.  I look forward to that not working out.  Dude is a disaster.  The things that come up when you let google finish your search for Albert Haynesworth are "stomp"  "highlights" "lays down" "gurode" and "fight"  You don't want a guy on your team whose highlights (which I assume include the stomp and laying down) are about as important to his career to his stomping on somebody's face, laying down, fighting, and whatever the hell gurode means.  I'm being told gurode is the guy whose face he stomped. 

So just to recap.  3/5 things most commonly searched for in regards to albert haynesworth are when he stomped on some guy's face.  1/5 is his laying down on the field.  1/5 is at least somewhat about his play.  Go Football!  I think I hate sports

Speaking of sports, I went to rugby practice yesterday.  I think that I'm gonna develop into a thoroughly average rugby player and I wish I had played in college.  I would probably be a huge meathead with pretty severe alcoholism, but the sport woulda been fun.  I haven't tackled somebody in a long time, and I'm kinda looking forward to it.  I imagine it will be like slamming really hard, but instead of concrete it will be on grass and people.  I think I would rather fall on people than concrete.  Higher water content in people.  That picture isn't quite relevant, but I'm gonna allow it.

Haiku time.  I'm not really sure how this segment has lasted longer than all of my other segments, but so far I like it.
Billy Belichick
don't take no crap off Haynesworth
Pride, power, badass

That was as close as I could get in a haiku to capturing the essence of that scene in cool runnings.  Also I think this is my first Cool Runnings reference in my blog.  Disappointing Drew.  That is now what they call me.

Speaking of awesome movies, here is something that makes me giggle

Now, Joi may be a Ho fo sho, but she's got a point.  You ain't got to lie, Craig.  You ain't got to lie.  So much wisdom.  Let's take a second and ponder that in a segment I will now call "a lot of lines skipped means a lot of time has passed"
















I'm sticking with Disappointing Drew today.

HAHAHAHAHA

Ok we got a view from Canada today.  I'm not sure if I should be excited about it because we all know that Canada is too close to us to be excited about expanding into that territory.  Not hating on Canada, just to be clear.  I got love for Canada.  But when the MLB and NBA have both already expanded into your country, I just can't get that excited about it.  Shout out to Canada anyway, now that the Bruins hold the cup.  More importantly, however, is how they got to the site.  I'm gonna go ahead and give this a new paragraph, because it's important that you all read this part.  Here is what was googled.

"what does my poop mean"

If that is not right up my alley then I don't think I even have an alley.  I can't tell you how many times I have thought that.  Mostly because I don't remember all of my thoughts.  This just goes to show you that writing about poop can only be good.  I'm gonna go ahead and screenshot that and post it.  Here goes.

It's funny because it's true

In related news, a reader that shall not be named told me that last blog had too much poop related content.  This post will have less graphic poop detail, but just keep in mind that "what does my poop mean" got someone to read my blog.  Or at least click the link by accident.  It's called advertising?

Now I'm super interested what this guy's (i assume it was a guy.  do girls google that kind of stuff?) poop was like, and how he thought google could know based on that what to look up.  You gotta be more specific bro.  Google isn't your buddy that can look at your poop and answer your vague questions.  I promised I wouldn't get into poop details today, but you gotta be more descriptive when you ask what your poop means.  For all google knows your poop could have just used an old expression and that you didn't understand or you could be asking some grand philosophical question, like "what do the constellations mean?"  Hell, you could even be asking what the phrase "my poop" means in english.  Step up your google game.

By the way, how big of a stretch are the constellations?  You know what Taurus is? the letter K.  Scorpius?  A line.  Orion? a virus.  Whoever made up the constellations is an idiot.  Apparently nobody even knows who made them up.  Ya, if I decided that a line was a scorpion I think I would want to be anonymous too.  Lay off the shrooms, ancient farmers.

Just realized that I only say bro on this blog.  I never say bro in real life.

You know what's worth inventing?  Shoes with built in socks.  Actually maybe that would get gross.  I'm just tired of putting multiple things on my feet.  they're so far away and I'm so inflexible.  Somebody get on that.  Shoes with built in self-cleaning socks.  Come on science.  Maybe Kailey-our-soon-to-be-ex-waitress-at-trivia's dad can invent something.  Come on Mr. Trivia Waitress.  I don't know your last name but I know that you do science.

Kailey if you read this sorry I never learned your last name.  Next week I will.  Also call me.  You've seen my ID enough times to be able to find me on facebook, and I go by Drew, not Andrew.  Also I hope I'm spelling your name right.  We'll miss you at Kriegers, I'm sorry it didn't work out with your coworkers and the distance you have to drive to work.

Here is my haiku:

Hi Kailey, what's up?
you like to touch my shoulder
is this too creepy?

I think Tim will like that haiku.

They call me the creep

Indian expansion

also I'm taking over india too.  I average .00000004 views per person in india.  Killing it.

HA.  This is the google search that I assume came from india that somehow ended up at my blog.

"how does meth ice looks like"

arbitrary post title

today I drove with no pants on.  no shirt on.  no socks on.  Just underwear and sunglasses.  I couldn't help but wonder if people knew if I wasn't wearing pants.  I mean I assume people in giant trucks could if they were trying to take a peek, but can people in normal sized cars tell? definitely not right?  I could just rock out naked and if only regular cars were around nobody would know right?  Ha those things are so ugly.

Today it dawned on me that someday I will actually have a full time job that isn't going to end after the summer.  Somehow that never really clicked.  What am I gonna do when I actually have an income?  Something tells me I'm gonna pick up a serious drug habit or something else ridiculous (ridiculous, spelled with no E).  I'm feeling philosophical right now.  Time to switch gears back into poop jokes.

I held in a poop for like 5 hours today.  Maybe 6.  I kinda had to poop when I woke up and decided (foolishly) to not let it fly before class.  Then by the time 1 oclock rolls around I realized that my butt was about to explode.  all over the place.  but mostly just into my shorts.  I really need to get my poop schedule figured out.  If there is one thing in this world that needs to be in control, it's poop schedule.  You can't be having to poop all willy nilly at all times of the day.  Get it together.  Voila.  more poop gold.  Gold poop.  If that thought doesn't deserve a picture nothing does.

There are a surprising amount of relevant results for golden poop.  I really shouldn't be surprised.  If I think it's awesome then clearly the rest of the world also does.  I should suit up more often.  Next time we go to a real bar/club/whatever they're called, I'm definitely suiting up.  I don't even know if I have a suit.  But i'll figure it out.

After talking with my boy Alex today, I think I'm gonna be a clown chiropractor.  I'll be like patch adams or something but for people with lumbar disc herniations.  I don't see anything that could go wrong with this plan.

Even if I go broke and end up homeless, that's a solid skate spot/bed.  That's not all bad.  Wake up, skate your "house" and then sleep.  I bet I could get good at stealing decks and shoes and stuff.

Ok I just got way too carried away with that train of thought.  This is another one of those times where I realize that I'm actually an idiot.  Big idiot.

Here is your haiku, I guess
sometimes my brain sucks
it likes to wander around
poop poop poop poop poop

When in doubt, poop is funny.  I just counted on my hand how many syllables that last line was.

Here is your fact of the day:
the ascending limb of the loop of Henle is impermeable to water.

At least I'm pretty sure that's right.

Bye Bye. just jump to 3:55 because I can't figure out how to make it go to that part when I make the link.  I know you can do it somehow but it would take me longer to figure that out than it is taking me to write this.  Also this is funnier for me. 

real quick

Per the suggestion of my boy Shaun, I'm gonna start collecting the sweat that I ring out of my shirts.  2 bucks a pint.  Investors are welcome.  I don't know how you invest in this project, but I have a feeling that I will lose money on this so really I just need someone to give me money.  I'M BROKE

Sweat in a bottle.  Pure genius.  Let's play a game called "google something and see what the first picture is"

Disappointing