The dark blog returns

hello everyone

I apologize for my recent absence.  I have encountered this thing called "having things that I have to do," which is a completely foreign concept to me.  I was recently in my favorite state that I went to an undergraduate university in, Deraware, and I was reminded that I have a blog and that I have no fewer than 2 adoring fans who apparently still wipe away the digital cobwebs and check to see if I have graced the internet with a new blog post.  And today, october 25th, till be that day.

Some of you may be asking, "Drew, what have you been so busy with that you couldn't have spent even one hour on this blog over the past 2 months?"  Well you people are not gonna get an answer because I'm not trying to talk about that tonight.  What am I talking about tonight?  What will I be talking about?  NOTHING.  That's right.  You're gonna get a classic tonight.

Does swiss cheese taste good as a grilled cheese?  I'm thinking about making a grilled cheese later and I only have swiss.  I'm kind of assuming that it'll work out fine, but you can't be sure these days.  Uncertain times we live in.  Uncertain times.  Who is going to be the next president? What will the next flavor of mountain dew be?  Will I ever be able to do laundry at the same rate at which I use underwear?  We know none of these things.  Yet we persevere.  We continue on.  You might even say we keep calm and carry on.  I'm listening to a book on world war 2 right now in my motor vehicle and it is about 25 cds long.  I am on the third cd.  France has already surrendered.  The narrator has a British accent.  Numbers and I have recently had a following out, but if 2 years of a war takes 3 cds, and the war was 7 years long, should the book not be roughly 12 cds?  It kinda makes me feel bad for France, but it a really condescending way.  The message this author is sending France with this book seems to be, "you are the worst."  You know what France, maybe you guys just don't have it in you.  Maybe the whole war thing just isn't for you.  You know what you guys do real well?  Horizontal stripes and smugness.  Maybe you guys should have invented horizontal stripes before world war 2 and then you coulda just stayed out of the whole thing and avoided the whole occupation and stuff. You could have been like (written in a french english accent) "hu hu, heetlair, we frehnch do not fight in ze battelles anymoooah!  Look at zis bagayt (bagette)!  Zis is not ze food for ze soljairs!  Zis is ze food for deepeeng in maiy taeenee glass of coffeeeeee. HU HU HU"  I'll have to let you guys know what happens after cd #3.  Maybe it'll be a new blog segment.  "What happened in world war 2, featuring Drew."  I like it.  And you all will too.

SPFP put me in his status today, tagging me as the guy in a horror movie who would have a super good plan for everyone to escape but nobody listens to him.  It made me feel special.  But not as special as when he wrote later, "but in real life mode Drew tells everyone to go outside and everyone does immediately."  That is why they call me the decider.  I can't imagine how anyone who doesn't have me tell them what to do ever does anything.  The rest of the world must just wallow in their indecision.  I like the word wallow.  It's a good word.

Alright I think this will be the end of this blog.  I hope you enjoyed this Blittany and SPFP.  This blog is for you.  Now here is your haiku and gif.

that haiku is dumb
it was too introspective
not enough fart jokes

maybe the best gif yet

I was just looking through all my bookmarks and I came across one I didn't remember.  Without further ado, here it is.  Your gif.

b-blog it out

Welcome back to your blog Drew.  You have been missed by it.  I know you've been busy but I'd really appreciate it if you'd visit more often.  I mean, come on.  It's not like you do anything anyway.  Except those days recently that you've been leaving the house at 6:30 and getting back home at like 11. I mean, that leaves 7 1/2 hours to blog right?  get it together Drew.  Weak sauce.

So as you can tell from that last paragraph that my blog managed to write for me, I've been busy and I also like to whine about it.  But the truth is, I don't mind being busy.  It's kinda nice.  I just find stuff to do during the day when I have breaks.  I study things and stuff like that.  Today I read the paper on my phone.  Do you know how relaxing it is to flip through the newspaper and read articles on how some jewish lady is cleaning up jamaica pond with some sort of remote controlled U-boat?  It's glorious.  You know what's less nice than that?  Learning about poop.  That's what about half of my exam tomorrow is on.  Poop.  Although at least when you're learning about poop you can make good jokes.  I know all about diarrhea dude.  I'm the diarrhea king.  I got diarrhea flow.  Irritable bowel syndrome, secretory infection diarrhea.  All over it.  You got bloody poops?  Let me take a look.  But seriously, don't because I'm not that interested in it.  But maybe I might be.  But probably not.

So tomorrow is the day that Brittany comes to visit.  She will be here for approximately 45 hours.  I will not be blogging in those 45 hours.  I will be riding roller coasters though.  And that's not even a sex joke.  We're going to six flags.  I freaking love roller coasters.  They are kinda glorious.  You sit in this contraption that goes super fast and down big drops and stuff and you don't even die!  That's some human freaking ingenuity right there.  Also I just realized by spelling ingenuity that it's the noun form of ingenious.  Sometimes it just clicks right?  Clicks like McMurray's test.  We did the knee regional today.  It was alright.

Harry potter is on right now and I'm running low on battery, so I'm afraid that this might have to be the end of this blog.  But I did come across a glorious gif yesterday.  So glorious in fact that I emailed it to myself so I wouldn't lose it.  And by emailed it to myself I mean I didn't close the safari page it was on in my phone and just now I emailed it to myself.  So without further ado or buildup that might make this gif less awesome to you that it was for me, here it is.  Your moment of gif.

sunday slobday

So today I am blogging purely because I need to kill some time.  Breaking Bad premiers tonight at 9 central (aka fake time) and it's only 5:41 as I'm starting this blog.  Also the cable in my living room is not working.  It's working in my room but I don't get HBO in my room so essentially it's worthless.  Amazing how quickly I become conditioned to luxury.  They call me the spoiled child.  I could go to the skatepark but I already showered today and everybody knows you're not allowed to shower twice in a day.  So, here I am today.  Blogging away.  In the shade.  Styling my hair with pomade.  But not really that.  But maybe I will start doing that.  But really I won't.  Here is your sunday blog.  COMMENCE.

Did you guys know that commencement really means beginning?  I love english so much.  I was about to go on a rant about how much I hate english, but then I realized how unbelievably awesome it is.  You know what it does?  Puts us all up on a pedestal.  Oh, you don't know how to speak the most confusing language known to man?  You must be an idiot and get out of my country.  And on top of that, America is so jacked that if you don't speak english you can't make it in international business/relations.  The worst language has become the default language for international stuff.  America is awesome.  You know what the most logical international language would be?  Norwegian.  My boy Daniel, the only Norwegian guy I know, told me that Norwegian is close enough to Swedish and Danish that you can have conversations where one person is speaking Norwegian and the other person is speaking Danish/Swedish.  You know what the coolest part about this little language love triangle is?  It's really just a love angle, because people speaking Danish and Swedish can't understand each other.  Danish and Swedish intersect at a point, and that point is Norwegian.  How cool is that?  That's like some super meta world peace stuff.  I mean, of course if norwegian was the powerhouse language, then only people in those 3 slavic countries would benefit, but who cares?  Also this is interesting.  Literally the only 3 countries that I was going to name with English as it's national language don't have a national language.  Freaking internet.  You only show me the most useful information.

Moving on to my next thought, I would like to give my girl Brittany a shoutout for finishing ortho without needing a psych evaluation or picking up a drug habit.  I know I tell you this all the time when you do things that don't merit pride at all, but for real I am actually so proud of you this time!  They call you the musculoskeletal master.  Nicknames are better with alliteration.  As are real names.  And really all word coupling.  I will do my best from now on to bundle blocks of words with the same starting letters.  I intentionally did it more than two times last sentence to keep my covenant.  It seems as though my blog will be using the thesaurus much more.  And now I have lost patience with this.

I have had the fortune of being able to go to the skatepark three times this past week.  This has been very exciting for me.  Not only does it give me the opportunity to sweat profusely and wear pants when it is contraindicated, it allows me to meet people that also enjoy skateboarding.  This is something that I have looked forward to for some time.  I have managed to meet many men manipulating man-made plywood platforms, performing perilous stunts standing and sliding solely on slippery skateboards.  Did that sentence make sense?  Maybe.  But really, that's the end of alliteration blog.  Also I'm a literary genius.  But really, meeting grown people with wives (one each), children (plausibly more than one), and houses (1+/- 1) gives me hope for the future.  A future where I can be old and skate my miniramp that I built until my body gives out.  A future where all the neighbor kids want to come skate my ramp and I chase them away with a broom, but it's really just a joke because I have 12 year old friends and I'm not even a Chester the child molester or anything, despite what my fantasy football team name and hidden file on my computer called "favorite books" might suggest.  A future where I can continue to make poop jokes and write this blog forever, but somehow people actually respect me as an adult.  I'm talking about having my cake and eating it too people.  Because this is AMERICA and I should be able to dip my fried chicken fingers into fake cheese product sauce and then throw it up after so I can still be attractive and then when my teeth rot from the stomach acid exposure I get fake teeth that are even stronger and whiter than my old teeth and I don't even notice the difference after a few years.  That's what I'm TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE.  The real American dream isn't owning a house and giving your kids a better life than you had, because my life is totally awesome and I'm way less responsible than my parents; the American dream is about skateboarding into your forties up to the point that you need new legs and then they give you titanium robot legs that make you able to ollie way higher than you ever did before.

And THAT is the kind of rant you people come here for.  Skateboarding, america, pedophilia, cake, prosthetics.  This one had it all.  Here's your gif.  I'm out.

midterms are over

Well everyone, midterms are over now so I might be able to take a little time out to blog a bit more often.  I know you're all super happy about that.  You don't have to tell me, because I know you are.  But you can tell me if you want.  But you don't have to.  But you can.

You know the best part about midterms being over?  The increase in skateboarding time.  I literally haven't skated in a month, and it's starting to eat my soul.  Just so we're clear, non-skateboarding is the same as the dementors getting to you.  Silly Dudley.  You're so fat and not very smart.  I wonder if JK Rowling will ever write another epilogue that explains Dudley's adult life.  JV girls soccer coach, a couple DUI's, maybe a menial labor job?  Who knows, they sky is the limit.  And by the sky I mean bussing tables at sky bar.  Cougars all day err day.  And by that I mean Saturday nights 8-1am.

I would also like to tell all of you that I'm essentially an adult now.  I started making my bed now that I live in a real place.  I clean up after myself.  I stay at school during my breaks and study (or blog).  I listen to books on tape.  The one thing that I don't like about having moved is my poop schedule.  I used to go home every day at lunch and have a nice poop.  But that is no more. I'm pooping in way too many different places at way too many times of the day.  It used to be 11:10 every day.  And now it's just a poop schedule that I used to know.  So sad

Another huge update on my life:  I started wearing short socks again.  After about a year of wearing crew socks I recently decided to start wearing short socks again.  My legs are so much cooler.  Not really that much cooler but a little bit cooler.  It's innovation. On a related note I really like 3/4 sleeve t shirts.  For some reason my proximal upper extremity enjoys being covered more than my distal lower extremity these days.  Ah, the mysteries of science.  Maybe particle physicists will figure out someday why these things happen.  But probably not.  But maybe.  Definitely not.

Well I hope all of you mature grad students out there are making it through your exams, because if I'm having exams you all must be having exams too.  I refuse to be punished alone.  Cameron, if you're reading this, I hope the west coast sucks and you are miserable.  If you start thinking about making friends out there, remember what I taught you in college.  NOBODY TALKS TO YOU.  Here is your gif.

blaarrrrgggghh

Good evening one and all.  Today is July 8th, and I will be blogging today.  It has been a wild 10 days or so, and you all deserve the honor of learning about my life.  I guess here goes it.

First and foremost, I have officially moved.  I moved last Saturday to St. Charles, MO.  Tis a silly place.  I now live with 3 dudes (WE NEED MORE DUDES) and two dogs.  Did I mention that I'm living with two dogs?  Because I love my life.  I also started listening to books on tape during my commute to school and packing changes of clothes for my various daily activities.  Doing adult things, you know.  Also I went an entire week without having a dresser, which was interesting.  Just living like a hobo out of my bags, but also not like a hobo because of the HBO and air conditioning and credit cards.  I have a feeling I'm going to like it here.  I also have tv now!  And I'm thinking about getting a rug for my room.  I'm all grown up.  But also not grown up at all.

Also, it was recently America Day, and I celebrated like every good American does, with barbecued food, beer from the keg, a 20-ish team cornhole tournament, and, of course, a big slip n slide.  I sprayed people in the face with hoses while they slipped and slided for like 2 hours with my boy black doug.  And, I should mention, Doug and I won the cornhole tournament.  I should mention also that never before had a game of cornhole meant so much to so few.  Never before has a game of cornhole been so insignificant.  I'm sorry that nobody who reads this anymore knows what I'm talking about.  That's just what you get here.  Jokes that don't hit the target audience.  Spray pee.  And I'm a good bbqer

Also, I went on a camping/float trip a few weeks ago.  I'm not sure if I blogged about this yet because it was a while ago, but I'll just say that we got to level 3 big time.  I snapped one of these onto my own face, managed to lose my phone and my favorite new hat, and also have a lot of fun.  Logan people will know all these stories already, but I would not like to post them on the internets.  Feel free to ask me about them privately.  The stories are good and the self-esteem is low.  But seriously, camping is awesome and I need to do it way more.  I like the woods.

Last week was also midterms.  We had a lot of tests, and I did not like it.  Friday I had 3 exams.  I did not like that either.  But seriously, this semester is already halfway over.  How weird is that?  Time flies when you're continually on the verge of heat exhaustion.  That was a joke because we've been over 100 for 10 days now, and that is a high number of Fahrenheit degrees (for all my scandanavian readers, thats about 40 C, or about 313 K.  Gotta know those conversions people.  For Science.

Speaking of science, I assume you al heard about  my boy Higgs and his Boson being found.  Cost my boy Stephen Hawking 100 big boys.  You know what's really cool? particle physics.  You know what I'm probably not smart enough to comprehend?  particle physics.  I don't know what that higgs boson picture means.  But it looks cool and I like the colors.  It's so pretty.  Also this weekend was harry potter weekend, and this week was star wars marathon.  All the best movies were this week.  Just in time to distract me from midterm activities.  I've also encountered a lot of good gifs, but I'm sure that I won't be able to find any now that I need them.  But here I will try.  Good day to you all.

in honor of hp weekend

and because it feels so right

the blogpire strikes back

I am writing a blog today because of a recent facebook post by my boy mattbnot.  I told him, if you remind him, he will blog.  And THE BLOGGER DELIVERS.  Blog to all of your faces

Let's see, what has happened since my last blog besides EVERYTHING IMPORTANT EVER.  But seriously only like 1 thing has happened.  I went home and got to hang out with my niece.  I will not be posting pictures onto this website to preserve her innocence.  Although, most of this blog is incoherent and about poop, so at her current state the two are very similar.  Poop and squirming around.  And I must say, I have never been more impressed or psyched on something that does so little.  Ever seen a baby's poop face?  Do yourself a favor and go hang out with a baby and watch them poop.  Hands down funniest thing I've seen in at least a month.  Uber concentration and maximal contraction.  And she even tucks her knees up toward her chest to get a proper trajectory.  If that's not evidence that we share a common ancestor with monkeys, nothing is.  Monkeys throw poop and humans try to poop cannon from birth.  You can't explain that.  Except you can.  Evolution!

I feel like I should comment on the heat thunder game last night.  Did Lebron really go out with cramps in the fourth quarter?  I haven't read anything about it yet, but it seems as though he sat out the last 3 minutes of the game with cramps.  First of all, basketball is so incredibly undemanding that it's shocking  that anyone who has been casually playing for longer than like 2 weeks would cramp up.  Secondly, CRAMPS? are you kidding me?  Put down your pregame book and eat a freaking banana or something.  And somehow he's healthy enough to knock down a spot up 3 one second and then completely incapable of playing 2 seconds later?  Ok I just read that it really was cramps.  That's absurd.  Is he systemically hypoxic or does he have some sort of endocrine disease that would lead to some freak electrolyte deficiency?  You get a break like every 3 minutes in your sport.  How are you not in good enough shape to not get cramps?  We talkin bout cramps.  Not a sprain, not a strain.  Cramps.  See what I did there?  I wish I could like Lebron so I wouldn't look like such a whiner, but come on.  We talkin bout cramps.  Mario Chalmers is good though.  Dude's from alaska.  Looks pretty alaskan to me, I guess. 

I am going camping this weekend, and I am also going to shoot guns and go fishing.  Jealous?  You better be unless your name is Doug or Kelly, in which case you will be doing all those things with me and you have no need to be jealous.  Also it's gonna be like 97 out this weekend, which gives me a 65% chance of dying by sunday.  So thats pretty awesome.  Add that to the guns, and I have a 66% chance of dying this weekend.  Put these in the optimal order: Beers, camping, gun shooting, fishing, river floating, soccer.  If you picked any order that put Beers after gun shooting, congratulations!  You are still alive.  If you picked the opposite of that, congratulations!  You now know the answer to the timeless question, "what happens to people when they die?"  and also you are dead so you can't tell anyone.  Sucks dude.  I love shooting guns.  This is gonna be awesome.  This weekend is gonna be awesome.  Any time I'm not in lecture is awesome.  Awesome.  Time to google awesome and post the first picture that shows up.

I also like the 80's

It's already stupid hot around here.  like 90's err day.  And I'm gonna punish myself today by going for a run outside.  but then I will be unpunished because I will be beering and pooling myself after.  Oh summer semester, you saucy minx you.  Punishing me with endless hours of lecture that paradoxically eventually end and then you unpunish me with beers and pool time.  You get in my head and give me a lobotomy and then give me stem cell therapy to regenerate lost neurons in an experimental treatment that hasn't been shown to succeed except by anecdotal evidence.  It's a story as old as time.

The last thing I would like to touch on before I go back to lab to learn how to auscultate hearts like a big boy is the euro cup.  Today is the first day withuot a euro cup game in almost 2 weeks.  I already feel the withdrawal.  What am I going to do once euro cup is gone?  Talk to people during lunch?  Pretend to care about gymnastics olympics qualifying?  Guys, this isn't the winter olympics ok?  There's no curling, so stop trying to hype it up.  Wait a second.  They have field hockey in the summer olympics.  MEN'S field hockey.  Count me in.  But more about euro cup.  Every lunch period we inevitably had about 15 soccer dudes watching the game, and then like 12 guys who have never played in their lives watching with us.  Here is what I don't get about people who don't watch or play soccer.  How do you have an opinion on soccer?  How is it that people manage to have an opinion on things they know literally nothing about?  I don't have an opinion on African fashion or southeast asian politics.  I don't have an opinion on 26-dimension vs 10 dimension string theory.  Do your brain a favor and stop trying to talk to me about why you don't like soccer.  "I hate that they dive.  Why don't they just shoot the ball?  Why can't you just run the ball down the field by yourself?  Why are they passing backwards?  What's with those stupid haircuts?"  Alright I'll give you that they have stupid hair.  But that's more of a europe thing than it is a soccer thing.  Asia is worse.

OK I have to go back to school now.  Keep reminding me and I will keep blogging.  Remember what that ghost said to Kevin Costner in the book that Field of Dreams spoofed, "Blog of Dreams":  If you remind him, he will blog.  Here's your gif.

finding a gif is always the hardest part

Asians.