Proximity Mines

I guess technically a remote mine but you get the idea

So I was at work late the other night and at the end of my shift, I went to the bathroom.  Let me further set the scene.  2 urinals, with 2 skinny stalls directly to the right of said urinals.  2 sinks on the opposing wall, each with its own mirror.  I step up to the urinal on the right, which is next to the first stall.  I see one blue and white nike shoe, facing away from the toilet.  This shoe presumably belongs to a person sitting on the toilet, and they also presumably have another shoe, most likely matching that shoe but the left sided version of it.  What I'm getting at is this person is pooping.  He definitely hears me come in, but I don't hear him until I'm about 1/3 of the way through my pee, and he lets out a little fart.  And at this point, I think we all know what's going on.  This guy is trying to quiet poop because he's embarrassed to let 'er rip because he doesn't want to make a scene.  So of course I smile to myself and immediately think, "I haven't blogged in a while."

Every part of my brain, with the exception of my limbic system, which for some reason decides to remember social norms, wants me to say to this guy who is holding in his poop, "just go for it, man, no need to be shy."  To this day, 2 whole days later, I still regret not saying anything to this mysterious, blue and white nike shoe wearing poop-holder-in-er.  The world needs to know that the bathroom, yes, even public ones that are still called bathrooms despite their clear lack of baths, are for pooping.  People needn't be ashamed of using the facilities for which they were designed to facilitate.  Take a deep breath, open that sphincter, and excrete with pride.  You deserve it.  You had the common courtesy to not poop where it has been deemed to be unfit to poop.  You mastered your bowels at some point between the ages of 2 and 18, now be the master of skid road.  

Now, I admit, I've been that guy before.  I've been a quiet pooper, a courtesy holder.  BUT NO MORE.  No more will I bow to the pressure of not farting in a public place designed to contain farts.  No more will I eek out little ppp's when sort of alone in a stall where I can still see other people's feet and sometimes narrow slits of people through the crack between the door and the far wall of the stall. I refuse to feel like this guy when I drop one in a fancy restaurant

That's not cool.

 Because you can make me poop in a room full of people, but you can never take my fecal freedom!

Hold.....HOLD.............NOW!

it's been a week. I'm still sort of on pace.

Who is your daddy, and what does he DO?  Ray Lewis managed to win in the playoffs today, but I'm going to focus on the positives of the situation.  Peyton Manning managed to lose in the playoffs today.  No more mannings in the playoffs.  Only murderers.  So I guess that's still +1 because there's 2 Mannings out and only 1 murderer in.  Hopefully Ray doesnt read this blog regularly.  But just in case, you're a great guy Ray and I'm sure they got the decision right in court, you're for sure totally innocent. Those commercials you do with kids and Paul Rudd have totally changed your image.

I took a nap today and it was glorious.  Sleeping while it's light outside is kind of depressing but also kind of not at all depressing and 100% awesome.  You know what else is awesome? Hummus.  I just ate some and it's kinda scrumptious.  I look forward to my next hummus purchase.  Also I think I'm gonna go to my first yoga class tomorrow.  That should be interesting,  New Year's resolutions: being worked on.  Also I bought a pair of shoes on the internet today.  They were only $26 doll hairs after shipping.  So I pretty much had the best day today.  Also I'm watching one of these ATT commercials where they interview little kids.  My grandma is slow.  I'm gonna be the fastest grandpa. I'm gonna have at least 3 cheetahs taped to my back.  One of my cousins growing up would call my great-grandma, who we all called "Oma" (which I think is german for grandma), "zooma" because she was so fast.  She really wasn't very fast, but the point is that if my great grandkids call me "Opa" (german for grandpa), they better call me "zoompa" and also then sing the oompa loompa song at my birthday.  And I expect to have 90 candles on my 90th birthday cake.  And it should be a cheesecake.  What I'm really saying is that I will be obese and my rascal will be called "zoompa."

The past 2 days it has been over 55 degrees outside.  And the month that we are in is January.  I had my windows down.  I'm not sure if I'm complaining or if I liked it too much but I would like to let you all know that this summer it will be approximately 145 degrees out for about 3 months and I think that we all might die.  Does anybody else think that the Earth might just die before we all die?  I'm curious to see what the world looks like in 40 years.  40 years ago it was 1973 and the 8-track player I bought for Aaron for christmas was the most advanced way to listen to music.  Now we listen to it in a series of tubes called the internet.  Seriously though, you should find that video of the senator who said that.  It's pretty awesome.  And by you should find it I mean here it is if you click on these words right now, you will be sent to the tube with that video in it.  Really though.  If you don't understand those tubes, you probably shouldn't be regulating the internet.  It's funny because he doesn't know what he's talking about.  Old people.  Gotta love em.  I would like to send an internet,

I think that will be all for now.  Our count-up of days that we have been allowed to live now is 23.  Countdown to graduation is a slightly less depressing but still pretty depressing 342.  Here is your gif.  You get 2 gifs today because this one is super cool but it wont let me put it on here.  Trust me, if you're in class reading this let it take the time to load.  Here is the gif that you do not have to click.

Ok it doesn't want to let me upload gifs.  So Here is another one linked.  Your judgement is bad and you should feel bad.

happy bonus new year

well I have been alerted that I told you all that I would have a countdown for the end of the world and then completely didn't do it.  It would seem that now I should do a count up for how many extra days we have been allotted.  So today is the 15th extra day that we have been allowed to live by the ominous youtube videos that predicted the end of the world.  But seriously that video is pretty entertaining.  Good rave music.  I think.  I don't really know I'm not much of a raver.  I can imagine it being in Mortal Kombat, so that's kind of what I base all of this on.  Ow Owda.

So now that it's really 2013, it means that I'm in real people clinic, which means people will be paying for me to take care of them, and it also means I will graduate within 12 months of today.  Kind of exciting, kind of really scary.  And it also means I have another countdown to start.  Countdown till Graduation.  And since graduation will be on the 22nd of December or so, that puts the countdown at a depressing 351 days.  

Also I should make it known that I bought my first bb gun today.  Here is what it looks like.

Here's the best thing about this bb gun: 350 BB capacity.  AKA I never have to reload ever.  Pump shoot pump shoot pump shoot pump shoot pump consider aiming decide against it shoot.  This will be fun for me.  Prepare to be shot it, empty cans.

I suppose the first blog of the year should have some new years resolutions in it.  So here are mine, starting with my genius idea from facebook that inflated my self worth with more likes than I could have possibly dreamed.

1) use lol in verbal conversation
2) get my body to be average-ly flexible
3) play skateboarding at least once a week
4) Blog at least once a week (we'll see if I can keep this one up)
5) Don't fail out of school
6) Kill it
7) Get paid
8) continue to be jacked and tan
9) Read books
10) end all my lists before I get to number 11

boom so far so good.

Well I think that will about do it for today.  I hope the first blog of 2013 wasn't too underwhelming.  Actually I hope it is so your expectations are low for the next 12 months.  Here's to another year full of palindromes and misery.

GIF

I Know it's been a little while since my last post, so here is a gif to tide you over until my next real post, which should probably be this week or weekend or something.  Who knows.  I got the need.  The need to briefly blog.

Do work son. 

Post thanksgiving post

Hello loyal readers.  I hope you all had a wonderful thanksgiving with friends, family, and at least one person you really dont like.  Before I even get into this blog, I'd like to give you the gift of a gif.  The best gif.  I call it the 2012 Jet Legacy.  Jegacy if you will.

My favorite part is when he realizes the ball is gone and he just lets his face fall into the dirt at the very end.  It's so much more than admitting defeat.  It's embracing the suck.  It's a full on "I hate, so much, the things I choose to be" moment.  It's everything I love about sports in one moment.  It's like that moment when they zoom in on the losing fans' faces, and you can just taste their tears through the TV and they're so salty and yet so sweet.  It's that moment times 100.  That moment times 100,001 because i like palindromes and misery.  I think that will be the new motto of this blog.  For too long it's been the most important thing you'll read all day.  I think at this point in my blogging career, especially since this is by no means a daily blog anymore, PEOAWAR will now be known by our new motto and slogan: Palindromes & Misery.  You're all welcome.

Brittany came to spend thanksgiving with my family this weekend, and she got to kind of see how I grew up, which was clearly a huge mistake.  I know Brittany will be reading this blog soon, but I will go ahead and write some things on the internet about you anyway Blittany.  You are welcome.
I'm pretty sure that after this weekend, Blittany thinks that my whole childhood and adolescence consisted of giving people high fives and being best friends with the entire state of Massachusetts.  She attended my 5 year high school reunion, where I proceeded to introduce her to 12 people and forget to introduce her to the other 75 people she met.  Then she met the rest of my family that she hadn't yet met on Thursday, and also managed to not nap once the whole day.  Pretty impressive Brit.  Especially considering your pedigree as a born, bred, and raised napper.  Then, on Friday she attended my high school soccer alumni game, where she met just about everyone I have ever played soccer with and then an extra 25 people.  She met just about everyone I ever talked to from age 6-17 this weekend and managed to not have her head explode.  So here's to you, Ms. Entire-Town-Of-Westwood Meeter.  You smiled and nodded all weekend, meeting all my old friends, my old friends parents, and even some people I don't even know myself.  When my friends' parents told you I was a good catch, you pretended like you agreed with them, and didn't tell them how smelly my farts are or about this blog.  So here's to you, Ms. Entire-Town-Of-Westwood Meeter, because thanks to you, I look like a normal human being with a girlfriend and social skills, and nobody noticed my scraggly beard at the alumni game.

By the way, I really like the acronym for this blog.  PEOAWAR.  It's like I invented a new RPG.  And not the cool kind that blows stuff up.  The kind that you waste 2 months of your life playing only to realize that internet points don't count and you haven't showered in 3 days, and also you have athletes foot.  Not because you're an athlete, but because you've worn slippers for 2 weeks straight without socks on and it rained yesterday and you didn't bother to take your slippers off even though you went outside so that you could pay the pizza delivery guy, who won't even come within 5 feet of your front door because a) it smells weird b) there's a funny green glow coming from the next room and c) he thinks he might actually be saving your life by making you walk an extra 8 steps.  Life is motion people.  If you're not moving forward you're dying.  Figuratively of course, because sayings are stupid and metaphors are for people who can't handle the truth (see my previous blogs when I had a metaphor of the day or something, I'm pretty sure that was a thing like a year ago).

Well I think that's a good place to stop.  Shout out to Tim because he's emotionally unstable without a blog shoutout.  Shoutout to the Jets for having 5 points against the patriots this weekend at some point.  You may have lost the game, but you won the safety battle.  And that counts for something.  And that something is a box full of emptiness and sorrow.  Here's your gif.

OH also the world is due to end in 25 days.  Here's to a mundane last 3 and a half weeks to human existence.  And by last 3 and a half weeks I mean probably another hundred thousand years or so, assuming we don't kill ourselves off, and we manage to cope with global warming and that kind of stuff.  And you should all follow @yaboybillnye on twitter.  Dude's hilarious.

YA BOY BILL NYE ‏@yaboybillnye

there better be cities in space before i die im tryna live on the mooooon. lemme get dat MOON HOUSE!

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11:34 PM - 25 Nov 12 · Details

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Dude kills it.  Here's your gif for real.

Whats up fellow internet users.  This will be my second blog since homecoming.  It will be written today, November 10, because I get to relax a little bit today.  Not too much, mind you, because I have to study and work today.  But nonetheless, I will blog.  Firstly, I would like to tell you about my nap yesterday.  It was awesome.  I laid down, and then I was unconscious for about 2 hours, and then I woke up.  And oh boy was that unconsciousness glorious.  I was neither awake, nor conscious, nor aware of my surroundings.  If ever an enemy wanted to strike me down, that would have been the moment.  I was a metaphorical sitting duck, and a literal sleeping human.  It would have been like shooting metaphorical fish in a metaphorical barrel, or like shooting a literal human in a literal bed while he is sleeping.  But you have missed that chance, sneaky made up enemy.  You also missed the chance last night while I slept again.  You are a very poor predator.  You should read "Hunting for Idiots" or something, which is sort of an ambiguous name.  Does it teach idiots how to hunt, or does it teach you how to hunt idiots?  You should really work on your punctuation, "for idiots" franchise.  Also I should probably read blogging for dummies.  I need some coaching.  What are these square plastic things below this glowing square?  What do the various shapes and lines on them mean?   I would like to know these things.

I'm going to do something I haven't done in a while on this blog, and that is have a color of the day.  The color of the day today is White.

Best picture on this blog so far

There are 3 pictures of Betty White on the first 3 pages on google image search.  That is more than any other human,  There's only 1 wolf.  Betty White >wolves according to google.  I didn't make the results, I just report them.

Oh did you guys hear Obama won?  That's pretty cool I guess.  I kinda wonder what the next four years will look like..............(wavy screen transition).............................Four years from now we will be pretty OK.  My condolences go out to those of you who think we're headed for doom and destruction, and especially to those of you who expect a thousand years of darkness (1:50).  lol.  We're not all moving to Alaska bro, the sun comes up and down here in the good ole continental 48.  Maybe I'm young an naive (I'm not), but a thousand years is kinda a long time.  Somebody is gonna figure out how to work a flashlight in those thousand years.  You can make a battery out of a lemon bro. (new favorite twitter account btw).

Tim was bummed to not get a shoutout in my last blog, and wrote me a pretty nasty haiku to voice his displeasure.  Hey Tim, I know it's voting season and you wanna voice your choice and vote or die or however P Diddy is getting college kids to vote this year but this blog is a dictatorship.  We don't do democrablogs over here.  Homie don't play that.  This isn't even a benelovent dictatorship.  This is on some Stalin level.  Level 3 dictator.  I'm listening to a book about World War 2, and Stalin is a HARD dude.  He's all like "Oh Stalingrad?  You guys wanna retreat?  You mean our only stronghold is one factory and you're fighting Germans with knives in the dark?  Well too bad I'm just gonna cut your rations more and if you retreat from my namesake city I'm just gonna shoot you anyway, so at least try to get propaganda film famous, (which is kinda like internet famous now) so the kids that you don't have will be proud of you during the Cold War.  I'M STALIN SON! ANYTHING IS POSSIBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE!!"

I now realize I may have gone too far with the Stalin bit.  My condolences go out to those of you who still mourn the loss of approximately 1,000,000 red army soldiers at Stalingrad.  Although I can't imagine you are my target audience.  Bottom line is Tim gets a shoutout this week, but only because he hurt my feelings with that haiku and I'm trying to work on forgiveness.

And now I will leave you with your blogly gif.

The dark blog returns

hello everyone

I apologize for my recent absence.  I have encountered this thing called "having things that I have to do," which is a completely foreign concept to me.  I was recently in my favorite state that I went to an undergraduate university in, Deraware, and I was reminded that I have a blog and that I have no fewer than 2 adoring fans who apparently still wipe away the digital cobwebs and check to see if I have graced the internet with a new blog post.  And today, october 25th, till be that day.

Some of you may be asking, "Drew, what have you been so busy with that you couldn't have spent even one hour on this blog over the past 2 months?"  Well you people are not gonna get an answer because I'm not trying to talk about that tonight.  What am I talking about tonight?  What will I be talking about?  NOTHING.  That's right.  You're gonna get a classic tonight.

Does swiss cheese taste good as a grilled cheese?  I'm thinking about making a grilled cheese later and I only have swiss.  I'm kind of assuming that it'll work out fine, but you can't be sure these days.  Uncertain times we live in.  Uncertain times.  Who is going to be the next president? What will the next flavor of mountain dew be?  Will I ever be able to do laundry at the same rate at which I use underwear?  We know none of these things.  Yet we persevere.  We continue on.  You might even say we keep calm and carry on.  I'm listening to a book on world war 2 right now in my motor vehicle and it is about 25 cds long.  I am on the third cd.  France has already surrendered.  The narrator has a British accent.  Numbers and I have recently had a following out, but if 2 years of a war takes 3 cds, and the war was 7 years long, should the book not be roughly 12 cds?  It kinda makes me feel bad for France, but it a really condescending way.  The message this author is sending France with this book seems to be, "you are the worst."  You know what France, maybe you guys just don't have it in you.  Maybe the whole war thing just isn't for you.  You know what you guys do real well?  Horizontal stripes and smugness.  Maybe you guys should have invented horizontal stripes before world war 2 and then you coulda just stayed out of the whole thing and avoided the whole occupation and stuff. You could have been like (written in a french english accent) "hu hu, heetlair, we frehnch do not fight in ze battelles anymoooah!  Look at zis bagayt (bagette)!  Zis is not ze food for ze soljairs!  Zis is ze food for deepeeng in maiy taeenee glass of coffeeeeee. HU HU HU"  I'll have to let you guys know what happens after cd #3.  Maybe it'll be a new blog segment.  "What happened in world war 2, featuring Drew."  I like it.  And you all will too.

SPFP put me in his status today, tagging me as the guy in a horror movie who would have a super good plan for everyone to escape but nobody listens to him.  It made me feel special.  But not as special as when he wrote later, "but in real life mode Drew tells everyone to go outside and everyone does immediately."  That is why they call me the decider.  I can't imagine how anyone who doesn't have me tell them what to do ever does anything.  The rest of the world must just wallow in their indecision.  I like the word wallow.  It's a good word.

Alright I think this will be the end of this blog.  I hope you enjoyed this Blittany and SPFP.  This blog is for you.  Now here is your haiku and gif.

that haiku is dumb
it was too introspective
not enough fart jokes