Proximity Mines

I guess technically a remote mine but you get the idea

So I was at work late the other night and at the end of my shift, I went to the bathroom.  Let me further set the scene.  2 urinals, with 2 skinny stalls directly to the right of said urinals.  2 sinks on the opposing wall, each with its own mirror.  I step up to the urinal on the right, which is next to the first stall.  I see one blue and white nike shoe, facing away from the toilet.  This shoe presumably belongs to a person sitting on the toilet, and they also presumably have another shoe, most likely matching that shoe but the left sided version of it.  What I'm getting at is this person is pooping.  He definitely hears me come in, but I don't hear him until I'm about 1/3 of the way through my pee, and he lets out a little fart.  And at this point, I think we all know what's going on.  This guy is trying to quiet poop because he's embarrassed to let 'er rip because he doesn't want to make a scene.  So of course I smile to myself and immediately think, "I haven't blogged in a while."

Every part of my brain, with the exception of my limbic system, which for some reason decides to remember social norms, wants me to say to this guy who is holding in his poop, "just go for it, man, no need to be shy."  To this day, 2 whole days later, I still regret not saying anything to this mysterious, blue and white nike shoe wearing poop-holder-in-er.  The world needs to know that the bathroom, yes, even public ones that are still called bathrooms despite their clear lack of baths, are for pooping.  People needn't be ashamed of using the facilities for which they were designed to facilitate.  Take a deep breath, open that sphincter, and excrete with pride.  You deserve it.  You had the common courtesy to not poop where it has been deemed to be unfit to poop.  You mastered your bowels at some point between the ages of 2 and 18, now be the master of skid road.  

Now, I admit, I've been that guy before.  I've been a quiet pooper, a courtesy holder.  BUT NO MORE.  No more will I bow to the pressure of not farting in a public place designed to contain farts.  No more will I eek out little ppp's when sort of alone in a stall where I can still see other people's feet and sometimes narrow slits of people through the crack between the door and the far wall of the stall. I refuse to feel like this guy when I drop one in a fancy restaurant

That's not cool.

 Because you can make me poop in a room full of people, but you can never take my fecal freedom!

Hold.....HOLD.............NOW!

it's been a week. I'm still sort of on pace.

Who is your daddy, and what does he DO?  Ray Lewis managed to win in the playoffs today, but I'm going to focus on the positives of the situation.  Peyton Manning managed to lose in the playoffs today.  No more mannings in the playoffs.  Only murderers.  So I guess that's still +1 because there's 2 Mannings out and only 1 murderer in.  Hopefully Ray doesnt read this blog regularly.  But just in case, you're a great guy Ray and I'm sure they got the decision right in court, you're for sure totally innocent. Those commercials you do with kids and Paul Rudd have totally changed your image.

I took a nap today and it was glorious.  Sleeping while it's light outside is kind of depressing but also kind of not at all depressing and 100% awesome.  You know what else is awesome? Hummus.  I just ate some and it's kinda scrumptious.  I look forward to my next hummus purchase.  Also I think I'm gonna go to my first yoga class tomorrow.  That should be interesting,  New Year's resolutions: being worked on.  Also I bought a pair of shoes on the internet today.  They were only $26 doll hairs after shipping.  So I pretty much had the best day today.  Also I'm watching one of these ATT commercials where they interview little kids.  My grandma is slow.  I'm gonna be the fastest grandpa. I'm gonna have at least 3 cheetahs taped to my back.  One of my cousins growing up would call my great-grandma, who we all called "Oma" (which I think is german for grandma), "zooma" because she was so fast.  She really wasn't very fast, but the point is that if my great grandkids call me "Opa" (german for grandpa), they better call me "zoompa" and also then sing the oompa loompa song at my birthday.  And I expect to have 90 candles on my 90th birthday cake.  And it should be a cheesecake.  What I'm really saying is that I will be obese and my rascal will be called "zoompa."

The past 2 days it has been over 55 degrees outside.  And the month that we are in is January.  I had my windows down.  I'm not sure if I'm complaining or if I liked it too much but I would like to let you all know that this summer it will be approximately 145 degrees out for about 3 months and I think that we all might die.  Does anybody else think that the Earth might just die before we all die?  I'm curious to see what the world looks like in 40 years.  40 years ago it was 1973 and the 8-track player I bought for Aaron for christmas was the most advanced way to listen to music.  Now we listen to it in a series of tubes called the internet.  Seriously though, you should find that video of the senator who said that.  It's pretty awesome.  And by you should find it I mean here it is if you click on these words right now, you will be sent to the tube with that video in it.  Really though.  If you don't understand those tubes, you probably shouldn't be regulating the internet.  It's funny because he doesn't know what he's talking about.  Old people.  Gotta love em.  I would like to send an internet,

I think that will be all for now.  Our count-up of days that we have been allowed to live now is 23.  Countdown to graduation is a slightly less depressing but still pretty depressing 342.  Here is your gif.  You get 2 gifs today because this one is super cool but it wont let me put it on here.  Trust me, if you're in class reading this let it take the time to load.  Here is the gif that you do not have to click.

Ok it doesn't want to let me upload gifs.  So Here is another one linked.  Your judgement is bad and you should feel bad.

happy bonus new year

well I have been alerted that I told you all that I would have a countdown for the end of the world and then completely didn't do it.  It would seem that now I should do a count up for how many extra days we have been allotted.  So today is the 15th extra day that we have been allowed to live by the ominous youtube videos that predicted the end of the world.  But seriously that video is pretty entertaining.  Good rave music.  I think.  I don't really know I'm not much of a raver.  I can imagine it being in Mortal Kombat, so that's kind of what I base all of this on.  Ow Owda.

So now that it's really 2013, it means that I'm in real people clinic, which means people will be paying for me to take care of them, and it also means I will graduate within 12 months of today.  Kind of exciting, kind of really scary.  And it also means I have another countdown to start.  Countdown till Graduation.  And since graduation will be on the 22nd of December or so, that puts the countdown at a depressing 351 days.  

Also I should make it known that I bought my first bb gun today.  Here is what it looks like.

Here's the best thing about this bb gun: 350 BB capacity.  AKA I never have to reload ever.  Pump shoot pump shoot pump shoot pump shoot pump consider aiming decide against it shoot.  This will be fun for me.  Prepare to be shot it, empty cans.

I suppose the first blog of the year should have some new years resolutions in it.  So here are mine, starting with my genius idea from facebook that inflated my self worth with more likes than I could have possibly dreamed.

1) use lol in verbal conversation
2) get my body to be average-ly flexible
3) play skateboarding at least once a week
4) Blog at least once a week (we'll see if I can keep this one up)
5) Don't fail out of school
6) Kill it
7) Get paid
8) continue to be jacked and tan
9) Read books
10) end all my lists before I get to number 11

boom so far so good.

Well I think that will about do it for today.  I hope the first blog of 2013 wasn't too underwhelming.  Actually I hope it is so your expectations are low for the next 12 months.  Here's to another year full of palindromes and misery.