So it's been two weeks

I honestly can't believe it's been 2 weeks since my last post.  What have I been doing, you ask?  You know, class, working, looking for a new place (which I found and will be discussing later), going on awesome trips, living the dream, and also doing other things.  Sometimes you gotta grow up and actually do things with your time instead of sitting on your uncomfortable couch and writing nonsense into the internet.  But only sometimes.  And that sometimes is not now.  SO without further ado, here is some discussion about poop.

I have had an absurd poop schedule the last 3 days.  But before I discuss that, I have to tell you about my weekend.  I only pooped twice from friday at one until monday at 6.  I was in Ohio at my girl Anna's lake house, and I didnt want to punish her parents or any of the 5 dogs there, so I just held my poops until times where nobody would be bothered by them.  Which ended up being two times.  In the 24 hours starting at 6pm central time on Monday, I pooped 4 times.  As most of you probably know, I'm like a 8 poops a week kind of guy.  Simple math will tell you that was a LOT of poops(SFL).  And since then I'm on like a 3 poops a day schedule.  I thought at first I just had a lot of poop saved up from the weekend, but I see now that I clearly have AIDS and I'm going to die soon.  So if you don't hear from me, assume the worst.

Another thing I would be remiss to not mention: I think I found where I am going to live for the next 16 months or so.  And it is a seriously grownup house.  I'm talking clean carpets, sinks, toilets, and people who aren't currently full time students residing inside.  And, the best part, TWO dogs living on the premises.  Guess how many dogs I would have settled for: 0.  But I get two.  You know what that means?  I'm in dude.  You had me at two dogs.  I could multiply the number of dogs I would have settled for by a freaking infinity and not even made two dogs.  Given, I would be using the worst possible math function for this situation, but that's ok because I made my point.  And one of them is named ZEUS (yeah that dog is hercules, but that means this dog is technically his dad).  I don't even remember the other one's name because zeus is such a kickass name.  I'm gonna play the crap out of those dogs, and then help clean up the poop because I'm gonna live in a nice house.  Boom I'm an adult.  And this also means I get to get rid of a bunch of stuff.  I think I'm gonna put it all into boxes and try to sell it to  some of those dudes on the pawn shop shows.  And then they'll be screwed because I have nothing valuable.  Suck it pawn guys.

Oh I suppose the most important thing that has happened in the past two weeks is that my niece was born.  And that is why they call me uncle drew, in case those of you have been confused by my facebook status.  She is 6 days old, and already partying like a boss.  She sleeps with her hands above her head, so clearly all that party rap Bridget listened to during pregnancy paid off because she is clearly throwing her hands in the air, and she does not appear to care.  I will not be posting pictures of her on here, but if you wanna see some, just ask me and you can get a picture text.  Unless you are Zisk, in which case I will be sending it to you anyway so you can be punished.  I have also heard that she poops a lot, so we are going to get along great.  She has apparently already gone through 4 successive diapers within the amount of time it takes to change 4 diapers.  And I am given to believe that she has tried to pee on my mom as well, so that's something we have in common.  I think me and my girl Emily (who I will be calling Ice Box) are gonna be tight.  I bet she tries to puke on me in two weeks when I go home to visit.  I will high five her.  She will call me "uncle Jew" and then I will teach her about anti-semitism and world war 2 and how the holocaust was not cool.  And then she will learn how to pronounce her R's.  All in one weekend.  I have some historical reading to do.

I have had some weird dreams during my poop-infested last couple days.  The one I remember the most is the one where I kept dropping all my skateboards into the lake, and lake monsters kept trying to take it from me.  Also I had a really cool car and my friend Mike was there.  Obviously the lake represents the abyss that is grad school, and dropping my boards represents that I need to drop out of school and commit full time to skateboarding so that I can be a bum who is OK at skating.  Also I learned how to wakeboard this weekend, so that could be it.  Lake.  Boards.  Monsters.  One eyed monsters.  I'm probably gay now.  That's what most dreams mean anyway.  Sorry Brit.

As usual, here is where I promise to try to blog more, but we all know that I may not succeed.  I appreciate all of your patience and I hope that I can live up to your expectations.  But mostly suck it I'm in grad school and I have stuff to do, but also don't suck it I'm gonna try.  I'm gonna have a couple gifs for you today because my boy Tim dropped me a dime-piece today on the book of faces, and I like to give you a little gif of my own.  So thank you Tim, both for the gif and for using it as a subtle hint to write a freaking blog already.  I hope you have enjoyed my (non)jokes about teaching my infant niece about mass murder.  Here are your gifs.

OK you get 3 because this last one is really funny too.  But also I cry evr tim.

Yo dog

So school is back in full swing here in the midwest.  And with that so is my quest for a new place to live.  I went last night to check out this house that I may or may not live in for the next 16 months.  I got there and the girl who owns the house looked like 25 maybe?  Weird right?  she owns the place by herself.  Pretty awesome.  She also had her friend over, and I didnt really think twice about it butin retrospect it was definitely so I couldn't just kill her and steal her stuff.  I would have to kill at least 2 people quickly and quietly in a quiet neighborhood for that to work out.  Pretty good idea on her part.  It made me think that maybe I should have gone with somebody too, to make sure nobody raped me either.  But then I remembered, I'm super jacked and super tan, so I don't have to worry about that.  To those of you not familiar with that man, I'll see you in school tomorrow.  But the more I think about finding a place to live on craigslist, the more I like it.  I'm gonna live with complete strangers in a house in a place that I know nobody.  I'm essentially going on the real world, but probably with less racial diversity.  I'll be the crazy one from Boston who's always fighting people and my new landlord/roommate will be the white girl who always causes drama and I don't know what my other potential roommate will be, but I can assure you that he will fill a niche in the story playing out 100% in my head.  I know those pictures didn't totally make sense, but they made sense to my internal monologue, and that's what you came here for, so let's move on to something else.

Being back in school reminds me why I really don't know why I go to school.  Sure I'm gonna end up doing something really cool, but I'm also wasting my early twenties in the dark trying to not get caught looking at stuff I'm not that interested in reading on my phone.  Except on days like today when I got to go to the skatepark for like 2.5 hours and learn how to skate bowls.  That's a good day.  But in all seriousness, who else really just wants to drop out and be a complete leach to society with me?  I'm talking welfare, food stamps, spending it all on skateboard equipment and then never actually get any better at skating, just stockpile skateboards in my government supplied studio apartment.  I'm talking wasting all my potential and letting people use me as an example about how our generation has no work ethic even though most of us will have to work harder than our parents for a less promising future.  THANKS BABY BOOMERS THAT WAS SO NICE OF YOU I REALLY APPRECIATE YOU LOOKING OUT FOR US I'M SERIOUS YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST.  I'm talking taking loans out for a business that I don't plan on starting, blowing it all on ring pops and then defaulting on my loan payments and declaring bankruptcy, only to work really hard to get my credit back up and do it again.  Let's do it guys.  What's that?  That's a terrible idea and I'm already halfway done with grad school so I should just suck it up for another 18 months?  Alright I suppose you're right.  You guys are always so helpful.  I don't know what I would do without you.  Probably never even think of these things to begin with because I wouldn't write this stupid blog to entertain you all so that you can have a moment of joy in your otherwise life-sucking graduate school existence.  And on that note congratulations to Brittany for finishing finals today!  WOOOOOO!  You're already a year in and you're doing so great yaaaaaaaaay! (But really, we all hate ourselves too.  You're not alone, although I am really worried about you and I think you should probably go for a second psych eval).  You see that joke was funny!  But really if you want that off the internet that can be arranged.  For a price.  No filter EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

The summer has officially begun.  I know it's not that hot back on the east coast but it's hot here so it's time for some celebration.  So on that note I will be leaving you, but not before I drop a gif.  Ch-Ch-Checking this out!

I'm overdue

I'M BACK TODAY EVERYONE! HAVEN'T YOU ALL MISSED ME?  What's that?  I havent blogged in like 3 weeks and you're giving me the cold shoulder to punish my transgressions?  Well thats too bad for you, because I can never tell if you read this crap anyway and I'm gonna be writing the same nonsense anyway!  BOOYAKASHA

Well a lot has happened since my last blog.  And by a lot I mean I have done almost nothing.  And it has been GLORIOUS.  Do you know how nice it is to literally have 0 important things to do for almost a month?  It is pretty nice.  I have liked it.  Let's see, what can I tell you about?  I passed boards, so that was cool.  The scores were up for about 10 days before I got around to checking them, so that was good too.  They call me the cool cucumber.  On a related note, I got 3 new pairs of pants today.  So now I get to throw away all my pants with holes in the crotch.  And by throw away I mean cut into shorts, even though that won't at all fix the crotch hole.  But cutoff shorts are too funny to not have, so that's a plus.  And I get to be as trendy as this bad boy right here, so I'm gonna be rocking it all summer long.  But we all know that in reality I will look like this.  This is gonna be a good blog.

So I'm sure most of you have heard that my boy Barack has supported the gays marrying.  And I gotta say I've enjoyed reading people's facebook posts about it.  Because really that's the important thing in life; reading the comments section.  Most of the time I don't even bother reading articles anymore, I just read the comments, because that's where you get the realness.  What I really want to know is what Anonymous thinks about Obama's real secret agenda is and how he wants to make a time machine to go back and make America lose WW2, and also I want to know why libocrat644 thinks it's the Republicans fault that we don't have universal money fountains for people making less than $250,000 a year.  But seriously, don't real comments sections.  You'll never get out.  It's the black hole of the internet.  SPEAKING ABOUT BLACK HOLES, I've been reading Stephen Hawking's "A brief history of time" very slowly because I've been taking a lot of naps, and IT IS SO FREAKING GOOD.  You know what a black hole is for real?  Because I didn't until yesterday.  It's a star that has collapsed into such a dense body that no light can escape it's gravitational field.  Because GRAVITY BENDS LIGHT.  Also science is freaking cool.  Really go read that book it's unreal.  Your mind will be blown.  And if it's not then, well,

Seriously though.  Read it.  Relativity.  It's super cool.  I had to read the paragraph on space-time like 5 times, and I still don't even really 100% get it.  Freaking Einstein and stuff.  It's pretty awesome.

I also got a new pair of running shoes this past week or so.  They are unbelievable.  Buy new balance shoes.  They literally feel like running on clouds, but if that clouds were made of elastin and also had contractile properties that doubly sprung you forward with every step.  I'M THE FASTEST MAN ALIVE.  But really I'm not.  But maybe in an alternate universe I am.  I am all things, and I am nothing.  BOOM philosophized.  Put that on a picture of Carl Sagan and put it in the internet, because I'm deep bro.

I had a sad realization today.  And by today I mean 2 days ago.  May 8th, 2012.  I'm moving out of my apartment in early July, and that means that I will probably be sharing a bathroom.  And that means that my individual toilet paper usage counting will be coming to an end.  End of an era.  That means I'm gonna have to find some other new strange thing to write about here.  I am so sorry to all the loyal fans of toilet paper counter.  I promise to continue being strange enough on a regular basis to entertain you during your long hours in lecture.  Because all my readers are grad students.  And on that note I will have to leave you to go skateboarding.  Because I'm going to hang out with my boy Andy tomorrow and it is of the utmost importance that I can do tricks.  So here is your gif.